My name's Edward. I've been on and off here for around 8 years. The majority of visitors won't drop me a line to say hello. It's begrudgingly become accepted behaviour, although I'd prefer it was the opposite. People seemingly enjoying browsing photos, leave comments on photos and taking someone at face value as opposed to taking the time to read what a person has to say. Window shoppers. It’s very rare for me to start a conversation with someone, either online or in real life. I tend to listen and observe instead of joining in. People intimidate, confuse and upset me on the whole. If I somehow intimidate you, I do apologize as it was never my intention to do so. For those who do take the time to listen, and perhaps reply, I thank you. I also guarantee I shall provide you with the longest comment you've ever laid eyes on. Certainly seems apparent that people are too busy these days, everything can feel so manic.
Most things in life are rushed; people hardly seem to get a moment to themselves or to fully unwind or contemplate. During moments when there is little else to do but sit and think, people tend to complain of being bored. But we live in the entertainment generation, you'd be hard pressed not to find something to amuse you. It's also apparent people seem to rush weighty decisions such as marriage, parenthood, buying a house etc. You need to be a responsible person before taking on such life altering responsibilities. We're all too easily swayed by emotions and impractical promises that cease to live up to expecation. Life is short, but there's no need to rush down the path you find in life, or even stick to one route.
Thankfully, in such a frantic society, a profile allows you to take time out to write down thoughts and feelings, and people can delve into your persona somewhat. It all depends on how much you wish to write and how much of yourself you wish to expose. Most people don't enjoy the idea of revealing themselves too soon. Hide behind make up, hide behind laughter, hide behind substances and hide our true selves from each other for fear of being hurt or criticized. But I think more time should be spent removing the facades than trying to maintain such an act. A profile can describe yourself perfectly. Some feel it can't, but words are powerful. You'd use words to describe yourself in real life and let people understand who and what you are, so how can a profile be redundant of such an ability?
I'm 26 years old and living at home. Always been an isolated person, even within my own family. My bedroom is a safe haven, a place for me to relax. If you met my parents and saw my house I think you'd see why I've decided to stay so long. I'm a country bumpkin; I always have been...whether or not I always will be remains to be seen. Perhaps I will become more social in time. But in all honesty I don't see the appeal anymore. Most people rely on substances to "have a good time" and it's rather tedious behaviour. I genuinely prefer my own company than that of other people on the whole. But life isn't set in stone and I could easily change my ways if I wish. In the past i've been extremely social and outgoing. But at this point in my life, I prefer being a hermit. It's a common joke to say someone doesn't have a life when they're not social, but if you're trying to insinuate i'm dead and therefore associated with either zombies or vampires, you've got another thing coming. There is a lot more to experience in life than a reliance on socializing with people to feel life is being lived to it's fullest and to ensure you have plenty of stories to tell people to appear interesting and valid.
I lost my way for many years in a fog of cannabis, drugs and socializing with people who were little more than users. The years lost to drugs were such a waste of time, money and my own health and well being. I'm of the mindset now that drugs are bad. I understand that a lot of people often experiment with them for a time. Some people outright refuse drugs and go on moral armchair crusades against them. Yet there is little validity in debating a subject with little knowledge or experience on the matter. It weakens credibility and is a rather unstable foundation for your point of view. Whether through boredom, social situations, purging troublesome emotions or past events people might turn to drugs for the pleasurable release it provides. But it's so easy to lose yourself in that lifestyle as the euphoria from drugs is only temporary and soon tolerances build, the mindset changes and the appetite for more is never fully satisfied. Drugs serve no positive conclusion; it's utterly self destructive and unnecessarily decadent. Reality is there for a reason, you can't indulge too much in substances which only serve to satisfy pleasure. Everything in life is about balance, it's often hard to maintain, but we must endure and continue to be as balanced as possible. However, a site such as this doesn't exactly encourage an abundance of stable personalities in my honest opinion. Drugs aren't cool, they don't make you cool or help you connect with another plane of existence. In fact they tend to push you away from people, reality and the responsibilities expected of you in the real world. I know plenty of people who are utterly lost to drugs, with each passing day they are more and more distant from reality and some have even died due to the choices they have made. Justify substance abuse if you wish, but I don't wish to hear your plight on the matter. Unless it's a prescription drug that is actually keeping someone alive or medically assisting them it's virtually impossible for me to see drug taking in a positive light.
I strive to be as generous as I can be; there are times when I’m emotionally selfish. But on the whole I tend to be overtly giving in nature. It often puts me in financial turmoil which easily breeds a sense of anger and resentment at myself. Money issues have loomed over head for many years; it's not a nice feeling being in a banks pocket. It acts as a constant reminder and catalyst to continue in my somewhat unfulfilling job at present. As with many people, I feel I’m overworked and thoroughly underpaid. However many people I know have less and envy me. But I know I won't be stuck here forever, and change will be forthcoming when I have pulled myself out of this self made hole of debt.
I wish to start evening classes in mechanics and welding. My dad was an engineer all his life, if anything breaks in the house he can fix it. Whether it is electrical, woodwork, plumbing or cars. My half brother works as an airline engineer. I'd like to have a hands on job, office work is tedious and energy sapping. It'd be nice to restore classic cars, either for a garage or as my own business. Buying old off road wrecks from America. The sorts of cars that cost a couple of thousand because they've been gutted and left to rot on some farm. I'd love to restore these cars to their former glory. Classic cars are beautiful. The modern designer’s sense of style leaves much to be desired when you compare it to a classic car. Not only restoration, but I’d be interested in tuning and track days. I have felt so stuck in a rut when I was a stoner. Nothing but dreaming and no positive change or action to follow up these thoughts. But there's nothing to stop me from getting there once I’m out of debt, and that's the direction I wish to follow.
A sense of purpose and direction in life is required. All I have wound up doing these past years is indulging myself and wasting my time and life. Due to a lack of direction, I ended up with many girls who were also lacking a direction in their lives. I was never fully stable emotionally and I seemed to attract the same types of people. Depressive, anxious, jealous, impatient etc. I'm guilty of all the traits myself. But in all honesty, I think you need to be content in yourself and the direction in life you're going to find someone truly compatible with yourself. It's all very well coasting along without direction for a while, but it certainly drains your sense of self worth and achievement over the years.
I went through a phase of trying to look outlandish, as many people are still going through on here. I never once thought I’d wind up with a toned down look or more conformist and conservative. But over the years I began to resent the attention I gathered from looking different and dressing different. It wasn't me, just an outlet of expression, but more so, a means to make up for what I felt was missing in my life. You don't need to have all colours of the rainbow in your hair, or a strange, theatrical means of dressing yourself to get attention. People need to learn to be less superficial, this isn't aided when people strive to look so different to get attention or to shock or display the fact they think they're going against the social norm. I had many piercings and dreads for 7 years. Unfortunately the dreads started damaging and thinning my hair. At first I ignored it, but the worry was there and it got worse and worse. Now I have a shaved head and still it continues. It's just hair, it shouldn't bother me and yet I see men at work, some severely bald, others it's starting. All are a lot older than me. But I shouldn't feel bitter or ugly. Alas, I haven't had the best self confidence throughout my life, and as with most men i'm sure it's quite a blow to self esteem. Thankfully i'm not bald yet, just thinning and a shaved head provides an illusion somewhat. I'm sure the general stress I feel day to day doesn't help matters. But that's life.
There always seem to be people who will take a look to an extreme. It could be over indulging in tattoos or piercings. Some people end up looking ridiculous in all honesty. They’d ask people not to judge, but when you go so out of your way with impractical modifications or fashion it’s actually rather foolish to expect people not to judge you. You’re deliberately going for such an overtly bold look to stand out. Maybe it's empowering, flatters the ego. Perhaps, like me one day you realize it's not practical, it's not you or the attention from others just becomes too much. Some modifications can’t be undone and I sincerely hope people have fully considered how drastically it will affect their lives, and usually not in a positive way. In all honesty I don’t see overly tattooed people, strange implants, scarification in large quantities or anything of that nature to be a good thing. Again, we revert back to the nature of balance, and these people are so imbalanced in appearance and desire to escape their original body you start to wonder if they were ever comfortable with their persona or within their own skin. I think it’s far too easy to get ink or pierced these days. It’s fashionable, it requires little thought or effort for some people and I think that’s why there’s such a craze for modification these days. I believe you’re more individualistic if you don’t go down that road in this day and age. Having said that, there is a rather worrying amount of people who all look alike. Popular culture and fashion really has tarred many people with the same brush. People feel the need to latch onto a look or social clique. Whether it's to express their closed minded view of musical appreciation in terms of their look, or simply a means to make friends. People should take more pride in themselves, what they wish to be.
Popularity is something that many people deliberately go against. Perhaps people think it shows them to be individualistic or deep. None more so than the currently sexuality fad. I don't really think it speaks volumes about someone's persona. I think many people are fantasizing about their liberal minded nature without having actually fully experienced what said sexuality truly entails. Such as pansexuality. I fail to see how so many young people have discovered the true nature of such a sexual orientation so early on. It's certainly no coincidence that there is a massive boom in people coming out as pansexual in the alternative community. But come now, it's rather laughable in all honesty. However, it should not be so surprising, the more time you spend around people who consider themselves to be alternative, the more the similarities begin to expose themselves. Clichés, hypocrites and emotionally unstable individuals. Part of a sheepish conformist group who firmly believe that the rest of society is far too conformist, judgemental and shallow to understand or give them credibility when they themselves are guilty of such behaviour too.
There is much more to life than sex, and yet, most people list their sexuality so early on in profiles. Too many people driven by sex. Sex, fucking, one night stands etc. Whatever happened to making love? People rush things these days; sex is becoming a commodity and certainly seems to be lacking meaning. Thus, I have no interest in people's sexualities. In all honesty, same sex relations often have one person assuming the masculine role and vice versa for the other. There's so many clichés and stereotypes in the gay and lesbian community that people I know of that inclination have exposed. I thought they were simply comical novelties, alas they do really exist and it's troublesome. But do as you please, I need not know about such things.
I find beauty intimidating as It breeds fear, apprehension and a dash of resentment into my mindset. Once you get to know a person, their looks don't matter at all, but we all make assumptions of someone prior to getting to know them. We are judgemental, it's whether or not your presumptions are maintained and rigid that counts. People often say they dislike judgemental people or liars. However you can't act like you're infallible. We all lie and judge; it's just how we are. People might resent and dislike these 2 traits because they dislike this side of themselves and project this distaste onto other people, but in all honesty, acceptance is better than anything. Some people simply cannot accept their own self worth or appearance. I find this moreso in women, they resent their appearance. It must be a struggle in such a media and image driven society where women are sexualized and constantly under the judgemental gaze of men and now with the supposed rise in liberal minded people; women's gazes too. From what I can gather some of the self belittling is intentional as it's used as a means to receive compliments. It's amusing to call their bluff and agree with someone's negative self criticisms. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, however people's reasons for complimenting each others appearance tends to be envy when it comes to a new item of clothing or haircut etc. Or it's simply because said person is flirting and thinking with their genitalia.
A rarity in this day and age are head on photos. Everyone tends to angle themselves or the camera to hide their face. Portraying only a portion of yourself, much like people keep their true persona's secretive from other people. Display what you think looks good and maintain an obscurity that you think adds mystery and hides whatever you feel to be negative. I'm of the opinion that the more angled a photo the uglier the person probably is. Of course we all have our own perceptions of beauty. I for one don't consider dyed hair or make up to be very attractive at all. I prefer someone who is comfortable with how they look and doesn't hide behind falsification. If you hide your whole body apart from your face and cunningly use your hair to hide your facial width, along with a severe angle you're probably over weight. Not that there is anything wrong with larger women at all. Other people use such severe lighting you see no detail except for a general outline of features. Such photos are so far flung from honesty and we haven't even touched on the subject of photoshop yet. I'm not sure if we need so many pictures though I must admit. I might take a new picture of myself once every 2 or 3 months if I'm not dating. I see no point in daily or weekly photos, I know what I look like and I don't appreciate commentary analysis of my face. Picture comments tend to just be seedy, especially comments left by men. I find it abhorrent behaviour, but I am not partial to flirting in general.
Excessive jealousy is something I am faced with on a daily basis and the slightest action by a person; whether it be a fleeting inconvenience or something more valid will cause me to seethe jealous, anger and hatred. Whether it is someone talking to a friend of mine and feeling left out, to a friend talking about a new relationship or success they've had in their lives. It tends to result in a rapid, angry train of thought racing through my mind until it finally derails. More often than not resulting in me collapsing in on myself under the self created burden of negativity. Feeling utterly consumed with resentment and bitterness which usually concludes the conversation then and there with uneasy silence and a self imposed facade of apathy to save face. It's a very negative trait in all honesty, but that's an obvious analysis.
I don't trust people; I immediately think the worst of people when they're not in my company. I worry and fret and pick apart most situations over and over again in my mind. It may not come as a surprise that I suffer from anxiety. After 7 years of chronic cannabis use I started to have panic attacks. Within an instant, the safety and normality of everyday life was torn away. I felt alienated, scared and unsafe within my own body. Life began to fall apart from there. What started as panic attacks grew into chest tightness and pains, endless hospital and doctor visits. The worry and fear snowballed and the pains continued in more creative ways. From stomach aches every hour of every day for 2 months solid, to headaches lasting fortnights at a time, derealisation, dizziness, nausea, stomach pains, arm pains, neck pains. I kid you not, every hour of every single day for 2 years I have been in pain. Sometimes so severe I just wanted to give up; sometimes I will just cry or hurt myself to counteract the pain the anxiety causes me. Stuck in a vicious cycle of worry, leading to more pain, leading to more worry. Fear of death, constant "what if's" racing through my mind, health anxiety, hypochondria and such an overactive and creative mind working against me in every conceivable way. An utter feeling of helplessness and disorientation. It's a common saying, but I truly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's utterly debilitating. Thankfully I’m on the road to recovery and it's not via drugs or some "instant cure" as no such thing exists. But by removing the fear, accepting the pains and symptoms as signs of a tired and stressed out body I’m much more equipped to cope and allow my body the time it needs to recover. It won't be a quick fix, but I thoroughly believe I will overcome this. If anyone does suffer from anxiety and has actually read this far, I’d be happy to share what I have learned over the past 2 years of daily study and reading into the subject.
Anxiety often pairs itself with depression, sometimes vice versa. It's a double whammy of life altering problems. It's very overwhelming and all too often it feels like a struggle to cope. For people who haven't suffered through such issues, it's hard for them to often see how debilitating it can be to lead a life through such woes. It's hard to ask help, most people are self-centred and everyone has enough on their plate. For those who listen, it's often not enough. The advice they give seems unrealistic, unfeasible or incompatible with your situation. You can become angry with yourself and sometimes wind up lashing out at people who try to help. Smouldering resentment paired with depression and you can end up pushing away and offending the very people who attempt to help you.
I often talk to myself. In my own company, away from people I tend to be extraordinarily hyper active. Flailing around, making odd noises and generally being a complete kid. It's fun, embarrassing if anyone catches sight of it. When I was a kid I used to sway from side to side in the car. So much so that I wore down fabric on the back car seats. Parents got fed up with it by the time I was around 12 and asked me to stop. It was hard to do so, but I finally did stop when a kid at school saw me do it and confronted me about it in front of a lot of people. I denied all knowledge of it of course. To this day I continue to do it in my own company. Sat on the floor, swaying from side to side.It's certainly one of the strangest traits I have, but I don't mind. I find it relaxing and doing it for hours each day for over 20 years has toned a lot of muscles. A couple are odd, such as these muscles around the hip are stupidly buff. Shoulders and stomach too. One day it might give me crippling arthritis, we shall have to wait and see I suppose. If I’m comfortable around people I befriend the odd side will come out, and at that point I’m not so concerned if other people hear me making my weird noises or very loud strange voices because I feel safe in the knowledge that at least the person I’m with is laughing...could be with me or at me. There are times I can clearly tell my social awkwardness is a bit too much for some people to bare. But socializing on the whole seems to be reliant on a lot of joke telling. Everyone's always laughing, cracking jokes. This can be very uplifting, but also quite troublesome if people don't get the sort of humour you provide.
I have decided to choose accessible and unoffensive music for my playlist. However more and more will be added. But the last thing I wish to do is scare people away with introductory songs that make you feel angry or disgusted. I truly am obsessed with music. I will play music from the moment I wake up (my phone alarm), waiting to go to work, driving to work, at work, on the way home and then most of the evening. Alas I tried several instruments but lacked the creativity that I have with drawing. Instead, I simply learned songs and never made my own music or really grasped the true nature of music making. However, I do love listening to and appreciating music. I have collected a lot over the past 10 years. I have spent thousands, possibly even over 10k at this point. My music collection is vast and elaborate. I've had to whittle it down many a time as it got too large. Seeing as I only keep what is now 4 or 5 star rated in media player it seemed like a sensible option. Even then I only really listen to 5 star songs, of which there are over 2000 when I fancy taking a break from exploring new music. I am always looking for new music. I tend to dedicate myself solely to one genre for several weeks. Working my way through band after band's discographies. But listening to new music, processing it, comprehending it, going through the emotions it bestows upon me is a very tiring affair and I tend to feel utterly exhausted from a day of listening to new music. That might come as strange, but music should unlock emotions within. There is only one genre that doesn't agree with me and that's pop. I listened for many years to it on the radio every morning and afternoon to and from school. I don't find it enjoyable, it's quite bland. However, I understand that they do have many fans, and people get the sort of pleasure I get from the music I love. But you shouldn't make hardline comments against genres unless you've truly explored it and realize that it's not for you. Even then it can be insulting for others to hear your opinions if you are needlessly abrasive about it. A lot of people seem to attach themselves to specific genres and all too often disregard many other genres and forms of music as rubbish. Yet I get the feeling people are too quick to judge without truly exploring and making an informed decision.
I game a lot. I got my first console 21 years ago, from then on I was lost in the magical world of gaming. However the past 5 years i've slowly given up on consoles and these days I dedicate myself entirely to the PC genre. I build my own gaming PC every couple of years. After each build comes a bigger bill, more and more top end hardware. One day I will build the best of the best, however this would cost over £15,000 at the present time. My current PC costs in excess of £6,000. A complete waste of money some might say, I do however use my PC constantly, and PC building and general messing around and tomfoolery as well as gaming is a real passion of mine. I also enjoy having extremes of power at my fingertips and knowing that my PC will handle and game I throw at it. A recent monitor upgrade kicking out 2560 x 1600 resolution has left my PC struggling somewhat on certain games, which means, it's time for an upgrade soon. I cannot stand any form of lag in any game and I always upgrade when my hardware can no longer perform how I expect it to. This means most builds last an average of 1-1.5 years. I give my old builds and hardware away at hugely discounted prices. In general, I like to be giving and will sell anything I have at such a mind bogglingly low price. Guarantees a quick sale and genuinely makes people so happy to own things that they otherwise wouldn't be able to afford.
Other hobbies I have are rather few and far between. I enjoy fire staffing, it was the only hobby I really had a flare for. I had a real passion for it when I first started and would staff 4-8 hours every day. Going to university became somewhat obsolete as the first time I staffed on campus on a small square of grass away from everyone, I had a security guard come over and give me a health and safety lecture and a telling off for endangering people by practicing staffing away from everyone. Makes sense I thought... I took the staff into uni defiantly the next week and after leaving class I walked around this corner and literally walked into the same security guard again. This time he seemed to have an even bigger stick up his arse and ranted and raved once again about health and safety. From then on I simply staffed every single day in parks around Cambridge. I learned a lot of tricks very quickly, surpassing everyone who had been staffing for years and were willing to teach me tricks. That was about 4 years ago, since then I haven't learned any new tricks in 3 years. The lack of uni attendance wasn't aided by the fact the relationship I was going through at the time was falling apart and I simply had no focus or enthusiasm for university. needless to say I wound up being a drop out. I left officially with signing forms etc. A few weeks later the student loan department demanded immediate repayment of 50% of my loan which financially screwed me over for many years to come. Annoyingly a friend of mine who simply stopped attending uni and left them to figure out the rest never had to pay a lump sum of his loan back immediately.
If I make plans with people to meet up or go out I seldom see them through. I truly am a flake; I cannot maintain any form of routine no matter how simple. I think i've annoyed people in the past with apathy towards friendships. It's strange as I prefer giving rather than taking. Yet when it comes to people wishing to be social with me I tend to get horrifically greedy and proceed to horde my free time. I dislike change I must admit, so when I finished school, college and university I didn't seem to have the drive to keep the friendships going as strong as they had been. I'm a bad friend in that sense, yet I sincerely do try and aid friends wherever I can. However people who have known me for years understand that I don't excel at being pro-active to keep friendships going other than talking to people online. It might be considered more acceptable for friends who live on the other side of the pond (US of A), but for people closer to home it's harder to justify my laziness. A lot of people have grown distant over the years. Of course there is regret, I regret and apologize for absolutely everything, even things that really weren't my fault to begin with. I'm often disappointed in myself but I tend to fixate on other things when I start looking introspectively. I'm a classic over thinker and often with such a mindset you tend to pull apart your very being and think yourself into a hole which can be troublesome to pull yourself out of.
Eating with a cold makes you feel like you're suffocating at times. Why does a blocked nostril change sides during the day? Perhaps with so much sniffling you suck it all up out of the one nostril and it lands on the other side. Using tissues so much your can barely touch the underside of your nose because it's red raw and yet tissues are soft. may as well be blowing my nose on sandpaper for all the comfort these super soft tissues give me. Having a stuffy nose robs you of the sense of taste as well, which is hideous as I love to eat. Being ill always makes going to work feel a lot more difficult and drawn out. A bit like the summer, when it's too hot I can't really function. I prefer winter so much more; it's so easy to stay warm in winter with more layers or sitting in front of an open fire place. But keeping cool in summer is very tough without A/C or some such. I only have a rubbish desk fan, but last summer I decided this wasn't enough and took every single spare PC fan I had from previous builds and tied them all together making a wall of fans. It was powered off my old PC. A cunning cooling solution, all be it very loud.
I attended a private school for 11 years of my life. I ended up resenting being towards the end of my time there. But in all honesty, I look back on it with fond memories. It was an old, large Victorian house, covered in ivy. The headmistress was quite strict, she lived on the top floor of the school with her husband and their adopted and natural children. She had lots of pets and the school and playground had many cats roaming around as well as a small whippet dog which used to get bullied by the cats. Poor little might used to literally shake with it's tail between his legs. Such beautiful big eyes though. Silly pooch didn't have it's nails clipped and used to struggle finding any grip on some of the wooden floors in the school. My favourite cat was everyone elses least favourite. An old grey cat called Tuffle. I knew him since I was a young child at the school, but by the time I was about to leave he was very very old, loosing a lot of his fur. Limped around a lot and had a lot of scabs etc all over him. I could care less though, he used to hobble over to me every morning when I got into school. I really do love animal, I think I prefer dogs in all honesty. After the headmistress passed away the cats were given up for adoption. We adopted two of them. Lucky who is an all black cat with an extra toe on each paw. She was bought as a kitten for one of the headmistresses adopted daughters who unfortunately contracted terminal cancer when she was only 15. The second cat is Cascia, a feral cat who was originally found on the streets of Glasgow. Both were very nervous cats at first and a little unpredictable because one of the headmistresses adopted sons used to kick them. But they've lived here most of their lives and are now quite old. I'll certainly miss them, but I think it's best to get a new pet as soon as an old one passes so that you don't wind up feeling too sad over the loss of your pet.
More to come, this is a work in progress...
We always complain of a lack of time, yet we find so many ways to squander the time we have.