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'But when I look into those two gems of chameleon, I can see her fiery love and basking white glow of devotion shining out to me.'
~Xain
Jes..
The Angel That Saved Me..
The Love of my Life..
My Angel of Darkness..
He’s the one.. the one person I thought I wouldn’t find until much
later. Some say there’s no such thing as twin flames or soul
mates, but those are typically words from the bitter. I know he’s
the one that was created for me, and set on a path of destiny by
Providence. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve never had
a literal psychic connection with someone, where I could think of
him, and he’d instantly know it, or vice versa; or even feel pain
when the other is in pain. Its scary and beautiful all at once,
and that’s what I adore about our Love. Even as I write this, I
tremble with joy, just like the first time he told me he loved me,
or when he gave me a Promise Ring, or when we first kissed, when
we first became one. I have to say, I’m blessed. I don’t deserve
someone like him. He’s the man that most women say is a myth. He’s
brilliant, gorgeous, loving, generous, devoted, faithful, funny,
playful, serious, hell, he even knows what shampoos work best!
He’s amazing. I once wrote a list, it was a silly list really, I
was about 14 when I made it, but he met every single one of those
criteria, even the “Must like anime” rule. We match on all levels
of compatibility. He’s my best friend and lover all in one. I'm
grateful to him in all he does.. he loves me, makes me feel like a
decent human being, lets me love him.. he's my companion.. he
spoils me, compliments me, completes me, takes care of me, worries
about me, makes sure im okay, dedicates most of his time to me..
the list goes on and on.. I’ve never felt such a spiritual bond
with someone as I had him.. when our hands linked together in such
a perfect way..
“I knew I loved you then..”
I'm back May 09, 2008, 04:03:pm
I'm alive and in Houston with my lover- FINALLY!!
This is my third day here and I'm still excited about it all.
Living with him is as awesome as I had hoped and imagined. One minute I can be just laughing and talking with my best friend in the world.. the next I can be kissing the love of my life.
I'd like to thank my friends who all kept me in their thoughts and prayers, along with encouraging me.
RETROSPECT
On the 2nd, last Friday, I left my empty dorm and went to stay at my uncles for the next 5 days. I did odd jobs for him, like painting, mixing concrete, and moving dirt and gravel, and got plenty of injury but it was worth it. I got an extra $40 in my pocket because of it.
My nerves were like ocean waves. One moment I'd be anxious and nervous, mainly that I couldnt make my "great escape", the next I'd just be calm because I was so tired from being jittery.
Luckily, everything went super smoothly. Wednesday morning (the 5th) my cab arrived on time, and, although the driver looked like Uncle Fester and sort of creeped me out, especially when he took down the camera in the car to adjust it, I arrived at the Indianapolis airport safely. It was easy to get through and I was able to check in and go through security in under 30 minutes, maybe under 20. I then waited in the lobby for over 3 hours. Right before I boarded, I made friends with a woman who was maybe in her late 40's, one of those old rough biker women, wearing a bright pink jersey that said "Hottie". She first just started talking to me, and I'm not sure why, but it turned out she too was going to Texas to live with her husband. She said the 2 months seemed like years. Then I told her about how I'd been away from my significant other for 6 months and she was impressed. We talked a bit, told her about going to IU and being a pre-nursing major. She told me about her grandkids and her love of Harleys and country music. She was what I needed though. I changed my single seat to sit paired up with her. She was a good travel companion, and helped me get over that tiny anxiety I had of flying. Though, thinking back to being cramped in a tiny ERJ-145, with nothing but tiny buildings and clouds below us, along with a gentle rocking of turbulence, seems like a dream still. But I did love flying.
When I got to the Houston airport, it was a bit tricker. I had to do a lot of walking and follow signs to where I needed to be. I got my baggage (but somehow, my nurse's cap is MISSING!!)and went to wait to get picked up. Jes and I played a bit of phone tag before he finally got to the right place. As I waited in the airport for him, it finally struck me, I was 1000 from basically everyone I grew up with and held close. But I wasnt scared at all, just excited to have my own life. I stepped outside when he called and said he was there. I didnt see him at first and he had to get out of his car and flag me down. I saw him finally out of the corner of my eye flagging me. He had on this blue Hawaiian shirt and jeans, which was dorky, but I found it cute and endearing on him. After giving him a quick hug and receiving a loving kiss to the top of my head, I jokingly threw my bags down, "Now take these".
He chuckled a little, "I missed you too".
When I got in his car, there were white roses on the dash for me. I gave him a sweet peck on the cheek and his stubbly whiskers tickled my lips. We stopped for gas and he went in to pay as I got adjusted to the heat and sun. We then went to the apartment office, after a long car ride. Despite our long time apart, it felt like we picked up from October.. like the last 6 months didnt even exist. It took no time at all for us to be holding hands and talking like the best of friends. So we went into the office for me to fill out some paperwork to live here and I met one of the managers.. or someone. She was super friendly towards us. "Hi Jesse!" she chimed before turning to me and smiling, "and you must be Jesse's girlfriend." I smiled and we introduced ourselves. I then filled out the paper work as she started making conversation, maybe because she saw my ring on my left hand. She asked if we were engaged. We hesitated then I said "No",not even looking up from my paperwork. He then said "well, not yet". She was then like "oh, sorry. didnt mean to put you on the spot" and they both agreed, "too late". She then figured out it was a promise ring and gave the typical girly "aww".
I explored our apartment briefly but excitedly. We sat together on the green, brown, and black love seat (which still looks oddly familiar to me, maybe deja vu)and finally kissed deeply and lovingly for the first time in 6 months. He noticed I was tired from the long day and suggested we go snuggle. It was nice- the first time I felt so content and at equilibrium in a long time. His kisses and intimate touches, like water to my parched soul, were balanced perfectly with the way we talked about anything and everything as he held me. It was all heavenly, lying on our bed, with my angel, in an all white room with a white, fluffy, down comforter. Around 6 we went out to chinese. Honestly, it all really sucked. It was too salty and tough and what they called sushi was straight ghetto- cubes of pork with bell pepper wrapped in sticky rice (!?!). That is ghetto.
Then we did some light shopping at Walmart and came back. My day had been exhausting. It was a frustrating moment of having soaking wet desire but no energy. I told him I was going straight to bed and he stopped working on putting a chair together to come with me. After changing in my HUGE walk in closet, into a comfy over-sized black tee shirt with a flaming skull on the front, I crawled into bed with him. He held me close and intimately. We talked for some time before I fell asleep for a few hours. We woke up periodically during our sleep, almost simultaneously it seemed, and just enjoyed one another's company. That's all I'll speculate, since I'm such a lady. You readers can imagine the details as explicit or pure as you like. ;)
The next day, Thursday, we went out after a guy came to hook up the internet. We got about $30 worth of stuff for the apartment from the Dollar Tree, then went grocery shopping, and made a final stop at Walgreens, where he was wanting to know if I liked the "Glow in the Dark" by J.Lo scent. I did, and he hinted he wanted to get it for me. (SPOILED). We then came back. The night consisted then of snuggling, southpark, turkey sandwiches, and then some more of those 'explicit' moments. All I can really elaborate on is that my 6 months of celibacy was finally over then, and I realized, more than ever, I'd really missed all the intimacy.
This morning was pretty relaxed. I cleaned a lot, which is how I get into my element, as he looked around at prices of stuff online. We then watched some moving about a homeless guy who tricked a journalist into thinking he was some boxing champion. Then, unfortunately, my love had to go to work. As I write this now, I'm alone in our apartment, but time apart for us is good, so we wont suffocate one another. We do, luckily, have a nice night planned out when he gets in, around midnight.
I already love living here. Its hard for me to believe I've already been here for 3 days. I'm finding his quirks I never knew about, like keeping stuff in plastic to stay clean, like his Hawaiian shirt- cute and endearing.
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The sort of thing that only happens in a romantic comedy May 10, 2008, 11:17:am
So, as some of you may know, last night was my first night here at the apartment alone by myself. Jes went in at 3 and wouldnt be back until after midnight. So, I kept myself busy, talking online, and cleaning up the place. Then, I decided to go ultra-romantic for him as a surprise. I slipped into one of my fancier corset outfits. I tore apart one of the white roses he got me and threw it on our bed. I got out some glass wine goblets, which were cute because we bought them at the dollar store the other day. I then lit almost 50 tea lights. Some were on the counter in the living room, some were on the kitchen counter, some were on the bathroom sink, some were on the toilet top, and about 20 were lined up neatly on the floor near the wall in our bedroom. The entire apartment (tiny) was lit up so bright I didnt even need to turn on lights. I even put on some black pumps with the corset and waited for my love to get in.
Around the time I was expecting him in, I heard "When Love and Death Embrace" playing on my phone, which is his ring tone. I answered it and he told me he'd be in around 12:45 because he was stopping at Walmart to look for a microwave he wanted. I sighed and said okay. The whole time, I was getting more uncomfortable. Adjusting my matching red jewelry, retouching my makeup, playing some soft love music.. my feet were starting to ache from the pumps, and the corset's tight steel boning made it uncomfortable to sit down. So, it hurt to stand and sit. So, I took it like a champ and stood around, with the blinds turned just so, that I could see him when he was about to come in and greet him in my lingerie.
So, about half an hour passed. It was around 1:30. I'd called and texted and got no responses and started to worry like crazy. I then lied down, holding to Little Jes (most of you know, the bear he got me V-day in 07), listening to the music I had set, watching the flickering candles, and worrying about him. Finally, I heard the door open and keys jingling. But I just lied there. It'd been quite a night, and suddenly my mood was lost. When I think back to it, I probably looked kind of pathetic, lying there in the fetal position, huddling to a bear, half asleep as candles burned all throughout the apartment.
I felt him touch my thigh softly and told me he liked the candles. I knew I couldnt stay upset at him and sat up, hugging him and telling him I missed him and was worried. He then hugged me tight and kissed me, telling me he thought my dark shade of lipstick rocked, and that I smelled "really damn good". We drank a bit of wine and sat together on the love seat and he told me he liked my corset. We then went into the bedroom to get more comfortable and lie together. He once again told me how cool the room looked and how impressed he was with how romantic I made the place look.
Now, this is all sweet, but here comes the funny part.
While we were on the bed, too focused and lost in kissing and foreplay, we suddenly hear a beeping. I open my eyes and ask if that's the smoke detector. I figured just a candle set it off or something. But, we decided we should go shut it off. We then sit up.. he'd been blocking my view of the wall and his back was to it.. and as we sat up we beheld a ring of fire on the carpet. We both freaked and started to fan it, then ran to the bathroom cupping water to throw on it. Jes basically saved the day. We then had to go to the smoke detector. We couldnt turn it off, all we could do is fan away the smoke. Which, im sure our neighbors werent too happy since it was like 2 in the morning. I have to commend my love. He impressively kept his condom on during all of this (HAHA) and after all of the fire, drama, and me saying how sorry I was about 50 times, the night got better to say the least. The best way to end is when your partner says something to the effect of "I didn't know you could do that"
**********
Meeting the family (day 5) May 12, 2008, 02:25:pm
Yesterday was quite a day.
(I didn't really write much about Saturday, because nothing eventful really happened, or at least, nothing I can share. haha)
When he got in Saturday, he told me his aunt invited us both to a cook out for Mother's Day. So, of course I said yes, and to be honest, was kind of nervous about meeting his family.
Sunday, I woke up, got dressed nicely and ready, then, ironically enough, I find out its not until later that night, yet I was thinking it was in the afternoon. So we watched Young Frankenstein together (the first half anyway) and he browsed online for deals and tv's. I wandered around a bit, like I often do, cleaning and organizing. It really puts me in my element. We then took a nap together, which was really refreshing, since neither of us got much sleep the night before. Then, around 7ish, we started getting ready and left by 7:30. It was a nice long drive into a really beautiful, semi-wooded area, called Spring (fittingly). So we pull up to his Uncle Jes's (whom he was named after) house. We walked around to the back where everyone was, and they all greeted him in his christened name. He then introduced me and I was pleasantly surprised how kind everyone was to me. His uncle even sort of hugged me, and one of his aunts kept offering me drinks and things. There was a tiny dog there too that was really cute and seemed to like me. I then met his brother and cousins, a typical group of rough neck teenage boys amusing themselves in anyway possible, but I admit, they were charming and fun to watch. It kept cracking me up how they were teasing Jes by calling him Jesus, with the English "J" pronunciation, rather than the actual Spanish "H" sound. There was this absolutely adorable little girl running around too, and I just couldn't get over how cute she was. The youngest there was his aunt's baby who was just an infant, who slept most of the time. The food there was awesome. Grilled chicken, deer sausage, and ribs..really really good fried rice with this really good onions in it.. corn tortillas.. and a really delicious pina colada. I was really impressed too how he acted towards his family. He's such a gentleman. He ate after everyone else, and was constantly up serving people stuff, including myself. I had to eat twice actually, since I ate before he did, then he wanted me to eat with him later on. Everyone there who spoke to me knew English too, so there weren't many moments I was lost in translation fortunately. It was a really nice night all in all. I met his mother, who was really nice, as well as a really good dresser. I was happy to she wasn't like a 'monster in law' or something. (haha) The only complaint of the night I had though, was damn mosquitoes attacking me. Everything else was perfect. Even the typically hot Texas weather was cool without being the least bit humid.
So after the barbecue, it was around 11 I'd say, we went to Walmart to get more stuff we needed. We got a shower curtain, more hangers, vacuum, a white tooth brush holder and white rug for the bathroom, a much needed microwave, swim trunks (I STILL WANT TO GO SWIMMING!!), and my absolute favorite, were our blue see-through bowls and plates, and green see-through glasses. Every day I'm here I love it more and more.
Pre-marital co-habitation rocks!!!XD
So then after everything got put up, and I comfortably changed into a comfy oversized night shirt, we cuddled on the couch and watched the rest of Young Frankenstein.
Last night I had a strange dream though. I dreamed I was dating two men. But, in a way, they were both Jes, but only one looked like him and bore the same name. But all of his traits were divided into two vessels. Even the history of him was divided between them. Example: Jes A looked like him, is living with me, spoils me, has a sense of humor.. Jes B had short hair, and a different name (i dont remember) but was the one that visited me in Bloomington, was with him longer, wrote me poetry, and was better in bed. The dream was so strange because its like I suddenly snapped out of a black out and realized I was cheating on both of them with each other. Then I had to choose which one I wanted, which I couldnt do, since I loved them both equally and didnt want to hurt either one of them. I woke up before I made a choice, basically because SOMEONE moved and woke me up. But that's alright because at least there was only ONE of him.
**********
He really is my everything May 13, 2008, 07:15:pm
Well, readers, it's my seventh day in Houston, living with my love. It's been wonderful, even though it's flown by so fast. Everyday I find more things about him to love and adore..the way he makes fun of ghetto people, how he kisses my hand, how he falls asleep so easily, how he laughs about something, then repeats it and laughs a gain, how he gets this cute dimple on the left side of his chin when he grins or laughs, the way he hugs me close and kisses at my neck. It's all been wonderful. Every passing day, I know he's the one that was destined to me.
Yesterday was fun too.. we got to go swimming. I kind of suck at marco polo too, or, he's just really really good. Anyway, this is a short post, but things are doing great. As of now, I'm waiting for my love to get home and downloading stuff for him. Looking for jobs too. If anyone in the Houston area can hook me up somehow, I'll be eternally grateful.
What is there to say about my angel?
He's my world.. that's for sure.
He's changed my life for the better.
I realized I would sacrifice anything for him.
Anymore, all my dreams are of him;
all my conscious thoughts are of him;
most of my actions are done with him in mind.
After a year and three quarters, I'm still madly in love with him.
Why he's just so perfect for me...
I can tell it just from the way he looks at me..
The way he speaks to me.. the gentleness in his voice..
The soft and warm way he touches me..
The way his eyes shine when looking into my own..
From September 23, 2006
I WANT THE WORLD TO READ THIS:
Just five months ago.. my life was at its ultimate low point.. my life had been shattered. And I was trying to put it back together. I lost almost everything.. my father.. my home.. all I had were my earthly possessions and memories. I felt just like a hollow shell.. and empty soul. But then, fate tossed me a life preserver.. his name was Jes. Our meeting was unplanned and accidental, but we seemed to click. The more I learned of him, the more I loved. Inside I had a fear that something so wonderful would easily be taken from me.. but I’ve held on this long.. and have no intentions of letting go.
Now, currently, I have 24 poems in my journal dedicated to my love. But, today, I thought I’d do something different.. and with such a title to get one and all’s attention.. something that the world NEEDS to know. The reasons that I can be so bold as to say I love this man.
BODY/SOUL/MIND:
Beautiful eyes.. dark.. like the color of the rich earth after a rain. Long raven tresses, which I find to be dark and sexy. Just over all handsome features. A tall and powerful frame.. 5’11 in fact.. which I really really dig ^_^. I love his smile.. unlike most, who just smile with their mouth.. when he smiles, his entire countenance seems to glow. I think it’s cute when he falls asleep. I love his tender affection towards me. I love the praise of his mouth for me.. and the promises he gives me.. the promises I know I can trust in. His voice soft.. with an effect that could calm the mightiest of tempests.
Very creative and sophisticated. Good at writing and has intriguing theories about many different topics. Has a big interest in the future.. inventions.. Excellent common sense and perspective. At times it seems we can read one another’s thoughts.. and we see eye to eye, both spiritually and intellectually. I like his humor.. even when its sometimes lame. I love all the cute things he comes up with. All of the sweet nothings he tells to me. Sure, can be a perv at times.. but I find it funny.. He teases me a bit.. but its only in the most loving way..and never cruel. I feel like I can tell him anything.. and not only am I crazy about him and adore him.. but I respect him greatly.. and very few people have my respect. He is extremely wise. Understands the great importance of family. I love his special nicknames for me.. from Pale Moon, Doll, Beloved…Gorgeous.. Lovely.. to the more playful Silly Woman and Hooker.. Not only my love.. but one of my greatest friends.
A hopeless romantic like myself. A dreamer.. always looking deep into his dreams.. an aspiring inventor. A very devoted and caring lover. Kind hearted. Always a complete gentleman, which is rare now days. Sees women as equals to men. He realizes that he can be a man, and still be in touch with his human emotions. It doesn’t matter what my day is like.. he always can make it 20 thousand times better. Sometimes.. he’ll call to me in his mind.. and I can feel it.. hear it.. and answer it.
MANY THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON:
Understand the profound beauty and power of thunderstorms.
Our zodiac signs [ Cancer and Aquarius] go well together..
Our locations seem to be linked by weather.
We have the same views on things such as society, morals, marriage, ethics, beliefs..
We are both writers.
We both love blades and video games.
We love The Crow.
Our favorite color is purple.
Introverted and sometimes just like solitude.
Prefer cats to dogs.
We both describe ourselves as a yen yang.
Both poetic.
We love the Victorian Era.
Both like mythology and fantasy art.
We enjoy comedy central, including Dave Chappell.
Our senses of humor are much alike.
Prefer Wendy’s to BK and Mickey D’s..
Citrus drinks to cola..
Vanilla to chocolate..
Cappuccino to coffee..
We both have been in band with some sort of wind instrument.
We are animal lovers.
Neither of us have had a college education ~yet~..
Both bookworms as far as school work is/was concerned.
Neither of us think of ourselves as attractive.. but find ourselves extremely attracted to one another.
We both have 3 siblings. {although I am the youngest of mine and he is the oldest}
We both at one time or another felt outcasted from the world.. wanting to just escape it all.
We both really appreciate sleep.. and heed the wisdom of our dreams.
We have similar taste in music.
Neither of us fancy the government.
We neither smoke or drink heavily or do drugs.. but agree that we are each other’s addiction.
Our birthstones are the only two purple stones out of the 12.
If I were to switch my first and middle name (or if he were to).. the last letters of all 3 of our names would be the same.
Understand the shallowness and publicity of celebrity couples.
Can be both serious but also very playful.
We both like the scent of lavender incense.
Both have scars on our right knees ~Freaky~..
We both try to suppress our secret pyromania.. perhaps it could even be called pyrophilia..
The numbers of our addresses (his current.. my old) are eerily similar.
Both believe in ghosts and consider a great possibility of life on other planets.
Both love cathedrals.
Share common paranormal experiences.
Sometimes it seems our emotions can transcend words.
Both have been hurt before.. but are nursing each others wounds.
And..
most importantly..
we understand one another..
something that has happened to neither of us in our lives..
He Transformed Me.. From a Girl to a Woman..
The Rose
"Take my hand and lead me away,
In the darkness of night, in the brightness of day.
Lead me among the old oak trees.
Teach me of the birds and bees.
I give you what I can give only you.
I give only once, not to many, nor few.
Take me now, lie me down
Upon the grassy, earthen ground.
Merge with me my awaited prince,
The act of what love represents.
Pierce the rose until it bleeds,
Fulfilling all our dire needs.
Pierce my rose and pierce my soul,
Merge with me and make me whole.
Kill all that makes me innocent,
Kiss me once and don't repent."
The Rose Recourse ( T.R.R.)
"My beloved rose, still innocent for me.
So crimson in petals they all seem free.
Past the withered oak trees, upon the earthen ground.
Emerald leaves would fall from aloft to the ground.
The world would stand still in a moment in time,
As I looked deeply within her orbs divine.
We would embrace each other in a kiss so soft.
Reaping the rewards of a love brought.
The final act of what love can bring.
I would deeply pierce within my queen.
Hard as can be, or gentle we can play.
We will be like one, forever and a day.
As our rivers of white grow and flow aplenty.
I will eternally hold you close and plenty.
My beloved rose, was innocent for me.
Another reason to love her forever,
for the gift she brought only to me."
It is indeed true what they say.. you do not fall in love.. but rather grow in love.
Forever entwining yourself to another person..
your other half.. your soul mate.. your twin flame.
It's been so long... and I've felt so much happiness..
still going so strong.. over 700 days.. that I've finally felt alright..
like all is truly well. I've found happiness..
that reason to go on.. and am now more positive than ever..
that he is who I was waiting for.. who I was needing.
Each passing day, our love grows stronger..
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