Sometimes writing these columns doesn't go as planned. There you are, just about to publish some charmingly lurid piece of obscure history, and then a piece of red hot and right now drops straight into your lap. And it's simply so magnificently bonkers that you've just to drop everything and leap on it straight away. So I'm going to have to postpone this week's planned column (it was on Russian cannibals, if anyone is interested) and pose a very pressing question.
In case you hadn't noticed, a certain young lady called Stormy Daniels has been in the news. My sources tell me that she is some sort of actress in artistic films for the discerning gentleman, and something about some politician. I'd lost interest by that point, to be honest. Anyway, it's this Stormy Daniels who was arrested and it's the reason why she was arrested that qualifies the story for "World of Weird". Here is Ms Daniels-
That was the only photo I could find of her where she didn't have her mouth full. Based on what I've seen of her so far (and after a couple of Google image searches I've really seen just about all of her) she's an outgoing lady who probably has great people skills. For some reason or other (blah blah politician blah blah) she was doing a striptease show in Ohio where she was arrested, and the legal basis for her arrest BLEW MY TINY MIND CLEAN AWAY. It begins like this-
"An Ohio law known as the Community Defense Act proscribes anyone touching a nude or semi-nude dancer"
Let's pause there for a second. What we have established there is that Ohio is cool with stripping. If you want to get on stage and show the audience your most intimate nooks and crannies, Ohio will proudly uphold your right as an American to do so. BUT- if you touch anyone, even if it is in a strictly non-sexual way (as appears to be the case with Ms Daniels) suddenly you've got a major legal problem.
That, in itself, is pretty mad. But there is an exception to the law, and that exclusion is truly priceless. Are you ready for this? Here we go-
"....unless they are related."
Gentle reader, let me demonstrate how this works by writing a short play. It opens with a stripper entirely naked on a stage-
STRIPPER- "Hi, I am a stripper. I am completely naked on the stage. Here are my genitals. Do you like them?"
POLICE OFFICER- "Hi, Stripper. I am a police officer watching the show. I do like your genitals, and I am proud to uphold your God-given American right to wave them at everybody. Please carry on."
STRIPPER- "Thank you, Police Officer. I am now going to touch a member of the audience on the elbow in an entirely non-sexual way."
AUDIENCE MEMBER- "I can confirm that I am a consenting adult being touched by another consenting in a non-sexual way."
POLICE OFFICER- "WHHAAAAAAT!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!! GOD DANG IT, WHERE'S MY TAZER AND HANDCUFFS!! YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO JAIL, FILTHY PERVERT!!!"
AUDIENCE MEMBER- "Don't worry, Police Officer. There is something you should know that makes this all OK."
POLICE OFFICER- "WHAT THE DANGING HECK COULD POSSIBLY MAKE THIS TORRENT OF SICK FILTH OK, COMMIE?"
AUDIENCE MEMBER- "She's my sister."
POLICE OFFICER- "Well, shucks that's just fine. Please do carry on being touched by your naked sister in that case. It's absolutely fine. Incidentally, your sister's vulva is one of the nicest I've ever seen."
AUDIENCE MEMBER- "Thanks, Police Officer! You're the best!"
EVERYONE- "GOD BLESS AMERICA!"
My initial plan was to expand this article into an exploration of other bizarre public decency laws in the USA, but within five minutes I'd found out that in Texas it's illegal to own more than five dildos. I had to stop there before I lost all hope for our future as a species. The Russian cannibals will be covered next week, unless Ohio legalises penetrative anal sex in kindergartens as long as none of the participants is impersonating Henry Kissinger. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me.