On account of my dad lives in china and live my siblings, therefore, with their mother. Unfortunately, we found out for 1 and a half years ago that she has a drinking problem. What did that with local authority tried to get it stopped on the way that she would get help. Unfortunately not improved and now my two siblings forced removal from the mother and the foster family. This makes the incredible pain in my heart and I will seek every opportunity to perhaps could be their guardian until my dad can come home to Denmark with his wife and my little baby brother. But still after hear the bomb around the foster family, I began to cry and could not stop. Because for me are my siblings not just siblings. They are my life, my love and also like my kids..
I have taken care of them as small and I have been responsible for their well-being. I have lulled them to sleep and more .. I was very responsible because the mother never really was. So now my heart into a thousand pieces and the only thing that holds it together is a lovely person who is in my life right now and I do not give up fighting for them to feel good.
I will have to try stay strong and happy.. and i will REALLY try to keep smilling but..
my heart is crying and i feel hopeless..
In my thoughts far far away I save a little bit of the things I miss the most. Sometime in between they come to the surface because I feel something pulling me that way. In fact, I end up with regret and once again I will pack everything away and this time put it in farther behind all the other things of thoughts and feelings that just had to be stored away. I am like a turtle. Tough on the outside, but very soft and vulnerable within in. Most of my time I save myself inside my bowl, but when I finally feel I'm ready to get out with my soft side I end up often to disappoint myself. So i go back and this time do i not putting my head outside, for giving you an answer. I will give it from my bowl.
This is the thing i wish to change..
I wish that i did not feel so scared al the time when it comes to feelings or other emotional stuff!
I wish that somebody made me feel safe..
Maybe being a turtle is not that bad?!
Mood: im confused .. Music: Mads langer - Last flower (
Funny thing is that i really don't need a boy-friend or a fuck'buddy..
But i miss having a bit of sweet comments once in a while..
or a hand that strokes my hair/body..
a person who doesn't mind if have to bitch over things for 10 min. over something stupid and then am i all happy again..
Just miss being seen..
getting a bit attention..
Even if i was at a party last weekend where all people told me how wonderful it was to meet such a warm and happy person..
i just miss that one person that i might think was cute as well, would think that i am amazing..
wauw .. look on all my self pity..
i just miss that feeling of tingles in my tummy..
Im still happy and everything..
It is just a while ago since i felt that funny awkward feeling.. <3
Mood: Happy - it is weekend ff'sake Music: actually nothing right now §
So here in the past few days I have tried quite a few new and exciting things.
Besides that, I have an X who's a pain in the ass. I do not feel the need to fall in love as most guys I meet do not make a special effort to things remain pink or confirm me the love they have. Actually I think just most guys sees us girls as a toy .. when we are not fun to play are they quick to move on to the next girl..
Therefore I do not see me needed to waste my time with love declarations. However, it would be nice with a little attention and compliments when my self-esteem is missing a little boost.
I have in the past must admit that I actually can not see what my future would bring, other than hoping something exciting content. I do not believe I ever find a Danish guy who is my future. Have always felt that it might become one I share my English with. But the future is still overrated ..
I believe that my life will end beautifully, but why think I still wonder what will happen tomorrow ..
Not that I think to much about my love life ..
However, currently hangs my confidence a place where I can not really find it.
Just think my lack of faith in that I'm still a little worth and that my x continues to destroy me, makes me think more about what happens in the future than usual.
Im going to Belgium for Bassleader ( a event )
So maybe i can forget a bit my thoughts there!!
Have a lovely day <3
Mood: smilling but thinking to much Music: nothing actually..
My - LOVE - I now send out is for someone who took me in as his own and spoiled me as his own, which helped me as his own and never made a difference in my siblings and me. My step-grandfather is our family hard rock that no one could shake out of our hearts and not be able to erase from our minds. A warm and sympathetic man of very few words, but so much love. Unfortunately I have to with the rest of The Family, Continue without him in our lives. It is very hard to realize that a piece of my/our heart will be missing someday very soon..
After a long time really sad and tried to keep up with everything in a relationship..
Will i tomorrow make the final call..
I simply can't do it anymore.
I am scared because i do not like hurting people..
But i don't feel anything and i just been here for fare to long trying to make things work out!
Now i "don't care" anymore..
Just need to get away from it before it eats me up inside..
Hope you guys will know how important it is to stop before you used all your energy like me..
it's never worth it!
Mood: nervous about how it all will be received .. Music: ...
I think I've got mental breakdown.
The last three days I have behaved like a lunatic.
Normally I'm not so good at expressing emotions and people often mention that I am either too cold or then I say a lot of things that make no sense.
I'm just afraid to share everything that hides inside me because of I often see that when I share with people how I feel, they go the other way.
Now I sit here with lots of thoughts and can not even explain how I feel today. Do not know if I'm sad or happy.
Last night was my brain completely broken. I think I thought of everything and ended up getting nosebleeds.
There are some people I'd like to tell you that they make me happy and there is someone I wish I could tell they hurt me, but it will not now because I can not get myself to say it without me getting some sort of panic in the body.
I choose to call myself crazy.
For right now are my feelings at the highest and does not make sense.
I would most like to see that one person took me by the hand and laughed a bit of me and said it's okay.
Because I can not even see where or when it is okay.
Can not be stressed out otherwise I think just end up with yet another bloody nose.
Forgive me for my more or less depressing log.
I just have one of those periods where my feelings go past me.
Mood: Strange Music: The Script - Six Degrees Of Separation
There will soon be gone 2 years down here in Switzerland and i have had a relationship that really sucked big time. Fortunately for me, is it soon all over. I look forward to returning to DK and get me a job and maybe do some traveling around the world. It can happen that i might fall over mr. right/miss. Right <3
so i have'nt done a journal in a long while idk if any wants to know how i am but im crushed no one to talk to and i find myself sitting at home with a broken heart no one is ever home in my household so its judt me, three annoying dogs, one trouble making rabbit, a curious cat, and two rambunctious ferrets...who might i say are all annoying my ex is beyond killing me;( hes calling me drunk blaming me saying its my fault he cheated on me and broke up with me because i apparently didnt give him the attention he needed... im broken and scared and in need of a good hug or rescue please someone save me;(
For the past 3 years of our marriage we have been separated because you lack the balls and courtesy to actually behave like a man.
Then when you decided to finally grow balls
( from what i thought )
You tell me you wanted to make this marriage work.
Then you have the audacity to go behind my back after spending a week with me for my 24th birthday telling me you wanted me to move to the states with you in December FINALLY!,
But then not even two weeks after being back in the states you go behind my back telling me you've fallen for another woman and its just not going to work because i cant have sex with you 6-8 times a day, im sorry im not a complete horn dog and sex fiend like yourself.
And to be honest, you're really not marriage material if you throw shit fits in the middle of the night because you cant get sex because im just " not in the mood ".
You want sex?, turn me on. Don't just do missionary style and hope i get off cause i don't, i like to be pulled, yanked bitten and slapped, i love rough sex sorry it didn't last.
And to be stupid enough to post on facebook this shit and pictures of you with this new woman,
im not bitter.
Im pissed that you would do this to me,
You're paying for the divorce, I want my cat misha back i have all of her paperwork, and shots spay and neuter from MY GOVERNMENT, you have only paid for her food and kitty litter.
If i dont get my cat back in one piece and alive i hope to your god you have a good fucking lawyer because i have all the proof i need to take you to court for alimony,
and if your dumb ass doesn't know what that means;
[al-uh-moh-nee] Show IPA
Law . an allowance paid to a person by that person's spouse or former spouse for maintenance, granted by a court upon a legal separation or a divorce or while action is pending.
supply of the means of living; maintenance.
So to send me cat to me it would be $100. and you can pay for the divorce at your courthouse you got us married at for another $50.
If you dont do that,
you're looking for alimony pay outs to be at least $500/month, and that will be given to me until i re-marry IF I RE-MARRY.
Be the smart one,
gimmi back my cat and pay for the divorce
its the least your fat ass can do after you tore my heart clean out.
so anyone in the ottawa surrounding area,
i made an appointment with "junk removal".
they also help with last minute moves,
i gave them a months notice. BOOKED A MOVED.
and they called this morning cancelling on me.
So if anyone could help me move my stuff anytime before the end of the month i will pay in cash, food and booze . you dont have to lift anything just have a car or some form of vesicle