Everytime when I think of him, I have a lot of butterflies in my stomache.
No one in this world means that much to me and no one will ever do!
I'm feeling like a little teenager right now... But I needed to share this
In case y'all were wondering, I recently made this for a Tattoo showcase in a cult, so I thought I'd share it here too
1. Live, Love, Be, Believe. My first tattoo at age 20. Recognize the line by darkwave band The Crüxshadows. To me, it contains everything in life that makes it worthwile.
2. The Japanese tattoos on my sides. The right says ‘Zetsubou’, meaning Despair. The left says ‘Akatsuki’, meaning a New Dawn. Symbol of my rough paved path of life with great highs and greater lows. I am having these expanded with background image and coloring this year.
3. The answer is 49. Bringers of bad luck, because of Japanese grammar and old spelling, these numbers form the sentence ‘Suffering until Death’. 4 is the number of Death and 9 the number of Suffering. They mean exactly as they say.
4. The black rings around my ankles. The first tattoos I got for esthetic value. I’m a sucker for the modern tribal blackwork.
5. Skull and Flowers. My greatest and most beloved piece so far. As we die and wither, our bodies will be swallowed by the Earth and returned to the cycle which is life (hence: the flowers). The tattoo artist made this piece when I asked to put the song ‘All pain is gone’ from Combichrist into a drawing. This came out and I fell in love at first sight.
6. The Anchor. My family. The bonds that cannot be broken, that keep me safe and at bay.
7. The Blue Lily. Done at the Brussels Convention in 4.5 hours of none stop pain. It was believed in Ancient Egypt that this flower emerged from the water in the morning and submerged again by night, as a symbol of the cycle of Life and Death, birth and rebirth. Used in many of their artforms, it became a symbol of divinity and all that is pure. Let it be a reminder that everything is but an endless cycle, that there is no end and no beginning.
Tkx everytbody to remenber it i really had a good time whit few friends and when i finally start to get drunk i had to came to work ahah but im totally ok i can get and im very happy too Xx.
in my life since growing up my life was,nt great lost family pets,my confidence. been hurt emotionally physically mentally found it hard to trust been cheated on and found it difficult to talk about things like what i love,care about some people dont think i care when i do.wish people believe.
It sounds cliche when someone says they've lived they same, but for the most part I have thus far. Obviously our experiences will be different we'll learn different lessons, but the core idea of being constantly screwed over in life is still pretty consistent.
You aren't alone, is my point. Although while you have issues talking about how you feel, I have issues getting anyone to care when I talk about mine. But, I assure you that it's healthy to talk about things and hopefully this site will help you meet not-so-shallow people that will genuinely care. Just hang in there, 'cause you never know. Life might surprise you.
I think for the most part everyone goes through this in some part of their lives. If you are saying it all happened at once, then that I'm sorry to hear that. I think the trick is, is to sort of get over it and move on. Keeping yourself occupied with something can help you a lot; working, school, a hobby etc. Those kind of things. Hopefully all goes well.
i agree with kelmire and darkside, they are right on with good pointers on how to keep your head up high. life is a bitch but it might surprise you. i have also had a tough childhood. and i have lost 3 members to my family from cancer, just recently who i lost was my mom, and it fucking hurts.i was told on my 21st bday that she was going to die from hospice.my moms last words to me was "not on your birthday" and she could hardly talk.a couple hrs into the next day my mom died in her sleep and while all this was going on i found out my bf cheated on me with my bestfriend. btw all this i had to quit college so i can support my dad and i recently lost my job. and i have my moments that i feel so depressed and i hate everyone and i feel like nobody cares. and i dont have a family cause well there gone. but i know things will get better im not letting this get me down. i refuse to because i know life is going to throw in another obstacle soon. they will always be there. but im a happy girl and i do try and talk to my friends about things or even strangers just for advise cause im only 21 theres alot i dont know. and i do try and keep busy, my job helped me alot through all this. but you have to tell your self, your a strong person and you will get over it and move on. dont let anything get you down, no matter how hard or difficult it might be. you can get over it. im sorry to blab i just hope it helps alittle, for it to show your not alone. other people go through similar things even worst things.
So, as some of my friends might know, the last couple of months I have had some contact with a girl from BNN (a well known TV station in the netherlands)
They wanted to film me because of all of my body mods and stuff.
Soooo, I had a little talk with that girl in Leiden 2 weeks ago where she asked me all kind of things about my life so she would know a bit more about me for the program.
She said there were other candidates with me, and that they would have a small meeting with all of the people from BNN to discuss if they want to film me or not.
Soooooo..
I got a new mail yesterday.
And....
I'M GOING TO BE ON TV
They are going to film me and my lifestyle, and my bodymodifications (needleplay, bloodplay, piercings, etc.)
So yeah, I'm pretty fucking excited for this ^^
The program is called "Je zal het maar zijn" and it's about people who made special life changing choices in their life's.
my world is a crazy place when some people judge you and go on but I am proud to be me.my world is full of. darkness and cold I rather be in the dark where I am safe and alone in pure darkness and spirits I love who I am and nobody can change me it will fail if people tries. my heart can be black dark and cold and I dont let anybody in all my thoughts are locked up safe so nobody can get them. I am dark misterious and darknessx
Mood: cool Music: bullet for my valentine things i hate
Dear friends and strangers, this is for you who botter to ask me how is it going, so things are not so good to my ass i need to be operated to my back again cuz i got one infection in the same place of the last operation, its gonna be on friday and im gonna stay home like 5 days cuz im not a super women and i dont have the power to heal myself as soon as i wish so...short story if my damn life.
A poem I stole from slam poetist Ken Arkind.
This gave me goosebumps when I read it, probably one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read, so I wanted to share it.
I was seventeen,
with a smile so bright I could give a blind man sunspots.
Chin against my chest,
laughing for no discernible reason,
in a hoodie,
dirty with what it means to be young.
Shuffling my bare feet across the snow on top of the asphalt,
like two fingers streaking dust off a TV in a room with no lights,
I held the tips up to your nose and said:
“inhale.”
And you've held your breath for so long now that your vision blurred the world
into a collection of painful colors so,
I will paint you a picture, pretty.
Paint you a picture of a girl,
who has a collection of seventeen razor blades for every year of her life that she hasn’t had to use one, a girl who’s every breath is the hiss of a radio falling into a bathtub,
who’s heartbeat is the rhythm of a dog’s leg kicking on the side of the road.
A girl who collects unfinished poems, things left unsaid,
holds onto each and every regret like a shoebox of bullets kept beneath the bed,
I handed you the gun and said:
“I love you.”
And with a tongue that kisses like hanged men dance I left you rope burns on your lips,
gasoline upon your fingertips,
forced you to pull the trigger,
and then asked if we could still be friends.
Made my body a diary,
left the ripped out pages of golden hair in the sink,
and puddles of blood in the shower like spilt ink,
Covered up each one of my rough drafts with steel so that no one would notice my mistakes,
left two scars like questions that I wish that I could answer on the page of your left breast,
carved into my wrist seven lines of ugly poetry,
pulled me close to you like an alcoholic to his whiskey and said:
“This is my story. So read me because all I have left to give you, are these left over pieces of ugly.”
So at night,
when I cry,
You will hold your ear to my belly,
and pretend that you're listening to the sounds of the ocean.
This morning I looked in the mirror,
And I whispered:
"Silly girl,
didn’t you know that halos are supposed to go around your head not your neck?
Trust me, pretty,
you can still fly.
You’ve just burnt all the feathers from your wings to keep yourself warm,
and they will grow back.
Because people are like windows,
once you’re broken,
you can never be fixed,
but what you can't see now is that the shattered pieces of glass reflect light far more brightly than they ever could when the window was whole,
and you are a stained glass window.
Shining beautifully red mahogany from all the blood that you’ve spilt to make yourself ugly."
And when you sleep, that shadows dance off of your face with the same joy they show when cast by children on play grounds,
kissing your eyelids turning your lashes to gold so that you may see yourself as brilliantly as they do.
And I, I would slit my wrists to grease the gates of heaven so that they wouldn’t creek as you walked through.
Trust me that when I tell you that there is more than enough blood between us to spare, because kids like us aren’t built with hearts,
foolish enough to start earthquakes.
And there is a tsunami rising in my chest.
Will you hold me until it breaks?
A thunderclap snap of waves to wash the taste of copper from your kisses,
to teach you to sing in the hymnals of a high tide,
drifting inland on waters reminding you of what it means to be alive,
to be able to fly,
to let go,
to bury the gun,
to wash ashore,
to parts your lips,
to kiss the soil,
to let your lungs collapse, and just…
I'm so very happy for you! 
