i hate it when i get in those moods where i just hate everybody and dont want to have anything to do with anyone. i just hate people and want to crawl inside of myself but i cant crawl any further in..... ugh... its 130am. cant sleep. wide awake. thoughts racing. hate surging. want to hide away but cant. no reason for these annoying depressive feelings but i really cant help it. the thought of associating with people just makes me cringe. go away people. just go away.
I've been sick and feeling really dizzy and nauseated.
Yesterday I was freezing cold and it was super hot outside.
I kept falling asleep all day...and I threw up a bunch.
Now today I was just super dizzy and nauseated.
Well my Manager said I needed a doctor's note...
So I end up going to the doctor's and they ran all these tests.
Drew blood and had me pee in a cup XD
Well anyways after waiting forever they tell me I might have vertigo and allergies.
The doc also said my white blood count is low so it would appear I am fighting off a virus. or did??
so now I have to take these meds that are suppose to help me not feel dizzy or nauseated. I have only taken 1 so far and I am not sure if it's really working yet....
But umm tomorrow I have to call to make a follow up appointment for a week out... to see if I have vertigo for sure or not...
Kinda scary and odd tbh.
I know I have been getting dizzy a lot every since i was little,but I always thought I just didn't have enough iron or stood up too fast or something... but it turns out I could of been underestimating it.
Anyways I wanted to ask:
1.Do any of you have vertigo?
2.Or do any of you know someone with it?
3.How does it affect them?
4.Do you have any advice for me??
Ummm I thinks that it.... sorry I'm hyper and thought I would share this with you all...
Mood: Hyper,Curious,Sick Music: the sweet music of the fan lol
I have migraines too Amanda and I know what you meanIt sucks!!But I'm hoping I get it figured out soon otherwise idk if i will be able to keep my job :/@warhammer432 Okay i will try that and see if it helps
Brina~Aww thanks darling Scarlet~ ty hugs help yes Alex~Well i think i have always had it as well i just never brought it up to a doctor... But thank you that helps calm me
It’s like being stuck staring out a window and you can’t bring yourself to going outside. You stand there and watch the world go by. Sometimes it creeps on by and you are able to digest each frame per second and sometimes it shoots by so fast that everything blends and you’re left standing still with your head doing a full 360. I like going for walks at night. Most everything is quiet and at a standstill as everyone winds down and eases into the comfort of their beds for the night. Why am I the only one awake? And why am I wandering these streets, aimless without direction or purpose? Even when I’m out and about I still feel like a weirdo peering in on life because it’s like I don’t belong here at all. This place was not meant for me but somehow I got entangled in its many fibers and now I’m stuck here watching the people who are supposed to be a part of it get on with their lives. It’s like I can’t bring myself to be a part of them let alone want to be a part of them. I feel like I’m on another planet, yet they’re all standing in front of me, within arm’s reach but I still can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone. I’d rather stay on my own planet, retreat inside of myself with me, myself and I to drive me crazy. All my life, people were an inconsistency in their presence. The only thing consistent was them being a disappointment. I’m tired of setting myself up for failure. I’m tired of a lot of things and just plain tired. I’m tired of the days that my eyes leak like crazy and I can’t seem to get it to stop. I wipe it away and just as quickly, my eyes tear up again. What is it that makes me so sad? I cannot think of a reason. All I know is what I feel and how I feel and that I hate myself for how I feel or how I allow myself to feel. It is my fault, isn’t it? I don’t fight hard enough against the tides that want to drown me. I give up too easily. I push people away too easily without question. It’s my fault, isn’t it? The tide is an uncontrollable force but I’m the one who chooses when, where and how I would like to drown, or if I’d like to even drown at all. The world is pressure. Gravity is heavy and pushes down too hard on me. I feel myself capsizing. I just want to curl up and go away, so I do but the problem still exists and I get stuck in a place where I cannot retreat anymore as much as I try. This is when I end up on the streets at night trying to figure this all out. I take everything in and try to find a reason but there’s nothing special. There’s absolutely nothing special about that guy walking his dog at night or the second car to make an illegal turn on the same stretch of road in ten minutes. My feet take my everywhere, like to the park and sit on a swing and through the graveyard. The graveyard might be the encompassing of all things depressing but I find calm in it, all those dead bodies having their final slumber in a giant bed. It’s like a never ending slumber party. The end is peaceful because it’s final. In being final, there is no more and you know there is no more so you know there is no more fighting and you can finally rest easy. The dead have it easy because their fight is gone. It’s living that is hard and finding any excuse to get you to tomorrow. But we all run out of excuses eventually. Hope dies just like everything else. By the time I get home I still have no answers and am left to repeat the process and a feeble attempt at finding some drive to get me there. We all run out of excuses eventually. I know I need an anchor but my anchor is in part what drives me away and makes me want to give up. I just get tired of fighting. I get so tired. And all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. Life is too difficult to keep fighting when you don’t even have a valid excuse as to why you’re even fighting in the first place so why not just roll over? It’d be so much easier that way.
awe hun.. I definately know that feeling, half the time i feel like that is me.. but I hope there is hope and reasosn to ccontinue on. I'd hate to lose you.
I got three words for this.....Im speechless. The text here is soooo fucking deep and to write a comme to answer it all would take AAAAGES. So many details , sharp edges , turns around the corners , diffrent views and perspectives.
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the ghosts in your closet can be a real bitch sometimes
April 29, 2013, 08:28:pm
It kills me inside to see her for who she is. I see her fading, regressing and becoming more distant; less of a person I used to know, let alone called my mother. A hundred pangs of guilt for a hundred reasons. I should have been better, done better. Where do I point a jagged finger? Blame their God for being cruel? Blame my dad because he should have maintained his temper? Blame myself that we’ve become so distant and disconnected and I don’t have the strength to put things back together because too much time has been lost? Too much time I’ll never get back because the more time that passes, the more of my mother I lose. I live an hour away now. I only see her on holidays. Each holiday she fades a little more. This past Easter, family dinner was enough to make her beyond tired. This past Christmas she fell again. Shes always falling down anymore. I can’t find it in me to just pick up the damned phone for just five minutes of useless conversation, even though just five minutes would probably mean the world. I guess when you start to lose your mind you learn to appreciate the subtle things in life. Like this scooter her boyfriend bought her. She gets so excited about her little scooter that she drives around. And you can’t forget about the horn because that’s the coolest part. I don’t know where it all began, all I know is where it’s ending. I don’t know when she started to lose her mind, I just know it happened and that’s how I was raised. Is it terrible of me to say that she’s not my mom anymore? Hasn’t been for quite some time now. My mother’s mind has been replaced with that of a child and she continues to regress more and more. I wish I wasn’t so angry when I was a teenager. I wish things could have been different. I don’t know how to make it ok. Seeing her get more and more depressing the further she regresses. Every other week she has a new shiny bruise from losing her balance and falling. I’m still full of guilt with how everything went. Fights on a daily basis. Six years of hell because 14 is when it all started. I was just a kid. Just trying to find myself and find where I belong. I acted out horrifically and she got the brunt of it all. The things we did to each other. Chase me with knives, dump boiling soup on me, yell at me. We would throw plates at each other, she would lock me out of the house. I would call the police on her for threatening to kill herself and running out of the house with a knife and pill bottles. Everyone saw an angsty teen, lashing out at her mother. Because my mother had a mental condition, they couldn’t accept that she participated in the arguments as well. How was I supposed to understand that it wasn’t her fault the way that she behaved? When I cleaned out the refrigerator and she clung to a moldy jar of sour cream, wrenching it from the trash can and running away with it, what was I supposed to say? To think? When I entered my four year, abusive relationship from hell she got an even larger dose of abuse from me. But it didn’t help that she would tell me my baby hated me because of how bad I would throw up those first few months. I pushed her down when we fought. She bruised her arm. I could cry remembering all of this. To tell you the truth, I am. So much guilt wrapped up in our six years of hell because I can’t take any of it back. And I don’t want her to die with the memories of our hatred for one another. She won’t let go because she doesn’t know how to. Our relationship is estranged and I feel so guilty because I don’t know how to make it better. I’m scared she’ll die and that’s all she’ll know me for but I still can’t find it in me to pick up the damned phone. I know she’s not my mother. She’s something else entirely. She’s fading. She doesn’t understand. How do I explain my feelings? When it comes down to it, she always asks me if I hate her. I am even unclear of my feelings because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I want to do better, to be better. I am better and I do better. This is still, all so frustrating. It’s out of my hands and out of my control. Most days I try to place these things in a dark place of my mind that I will not venture. The guilt is too much to handle sometimes. But one thing I have learned is that to do better and be better, you have to be able to understand the darkness of humanity. I understand it through myself and my actions as well as that four year relationship I was in. We carry our past around with us like a heavy weight. Sometimes it’s so heavy we have difficulty moving forward. The more you try to run, the harder it is. You have to learn how to pick up and carry the weight that is your past by chipping away at it, bit by bit, making your peace as you go. Understand why things had to be that way and figure out what lessons you learned. Running from your past only leads to dead ends and feeling like you’re trying to run through quicksand. You have to break it apart to be able to move forward. Not all of it can be broken apart. Some pieces take longer to get over. But the cool thing about chipping away at your past, is that you can take those chipped away pieces and turn them into something better; a different perspective that says, “This was my experience that led me to learning how to be a better person, that things happen for a reason.” Life is out of our hands and out of our control but it doesn’t mean that we’re aimlessly wandering. Find your footing. Take hold of life, however that may be. Sometimes there are no answers or reasons for why things happen the way that they do but that’s just another lesson; acceptance. Acceptance of the things that we cannot control. Life happens but it does not control us. We make our own choices. I still hate who I was and the things that I have done. But I strive to be a better person because that’s what lets me sleep at night. I’ll make my peace the best that I can in any way that I can figure out. No one ever said that life was easy. But we do the best that we can.
Mood: still trying to figure shit out Music: explosions in the sky
nobody ever likes the person they used to be. over years of experiance you learn.. and its a very difficult situation you're going through. Ican't imagine all we can do is live life and take whats handed to us.
yeah. it sucks sometimes. at least i can be open about how i feel about it and talk about it. it doesnt change anything though. sometimes i dont know what to say or do anymore. i was at fault and i dont know how to make everything ok. i do the best i can. its rough.
i was at fault though for how we treated each other. it was bad. its really hard to just let it go and it doesnt make it any easier with her condition because i dont know how much she really processes anything anymore. i have resentment for how i was raised and not having the best childhood and getting bullied in school my whole life. its hard to let a lot of this go and i know my mom probably still feels the same. its really rough. its taken me up until recently to be able to be open about it. i want to write a book about the things ive been through so that i can be supportive of other people who are going through their own issues. this is part of it.
its a wonder i still try anymore. its a wonder im not an even bigger antisocial hermit than i already am. people are nothing but a big, fat disappointment. its a wonder i expect anything else to come out of anyone. you call yourself a friend, family but you dont know anything about me. we dont even hold a conversation once a week. our conversations consist of hi, how are you. good and you? maybe once a month. you dont know me and it is completely unfair of you to tell me that i am slacking and my husband deserves better out of me because he works and im a stay at home mom with the kids. i cook and clean every day. he barely lifts a finger to help with the upkeep of the house. most of the time, it doesnt get on my nerves. up until 9 months pregnant i was taking my 2 year old to the grocery store on foot with a backpack to carry food home to feed everyone. i must have carried at least 50 pounds home. dont tell me im slacking and not holding up to my end. just because my husband works and im a stay at home mom does not make me less than him. way to make me feel like a useless piece of shit. thank you very much. no, i am not putting words into your mouth. your statements make me feel as such. no i did not ask for your pity party and no my statements are not me pitying myself. how dare you? being a stay at home mom does not by any means make me worthless. this is not your relationship and you have no clue the shit that i do. im so worthless i walked 8 miles to take my son to the doctor and went to the auto parts store to get a part for my husbands car. although he went with me. his license is still suspended because penndot goofed. he paid his ticket but they still need a receipt. a year later his license is still suspended. we got pulled over and he now has a 300$ fine and no way to work. we didnt know it was still suspended. said friend is disappointed in me because im supposed to have my license to drive my husband to work. said friend expects more out of me. said friend says im slacking and husband deserves more out of me. fuck you. i take care of my husband and two children. im 60% done with my associates. what do you want from me? other than to put them in daycare and get a job thats not going to provide an income other than paying for daycare? i miss being an antisocial hermit. why do i continue to bother to hold onto relationships with people?
Yeah. He calls me family but i just feel like his best friends girl friend. My hubby tried playing middle man by letting me know his intentions and same for him. But it doesnt matter. His words still leave me feeling like mega shit. He caters his pregnant girl friend and does all kinds of cute shit for her. My hubby? Nothing. No 1st anniversary, no christmas, no birthday and as i said up till 9 months pregnant i was STILL carrying up to 50 pounds of groceries home on my back while carrying 2 fistfuls of groceries by myself to make sure my family ate. And i never complained to his face about it. I just took it. How he can he tell me im slacking?? Acting like my husband deserves better from me because i dont work?? I need to quit slacking? Fuck you. Im so offended its not even funny. He babies his girl friend and his girl friend shits on him. Ugh. The whole thing really bothers me. I can respect my hubby not wanting to get in the middle and not choosing sides but he could have stuck up for me a little better. I feel like crap. I told him that everything he said makes me feel like shit like im not good enough. Hes like i never said that. He didnt have to. I take it as an underlined implication because he feels as though im not contributing enough. Grrrr.
I know i cant financially provide but i do what i can to make up for it. I never get anything back but i dont complain. A roof over my head is enough. I dont feel like talking to either of them. Im still super annoyed and feel shitty.
?
Alex~Well i think i have always had it as well i just never brought it up to a doctor... 
all we can do is live life and take whats handed to us.
