I have never loved anyone like Jeremy. The boy who was my first gay lover and my first best friend in the earliest of my teen years. Letting go is the hardest part. When there are people who made a remarkable part in your life, and made things extraordinary for you, it's really hard to try to forget them.
Though the great and terrible things remain, fresh little memories and detail unfold the more you think of it. Well, when I think of it.
The tiny details that leave my skin to prickle in chills, my stomach to churn, my eyes to water, my lips to curve upward into a smile.
Just the little details of Jeremy are replayed over and over...
His cold hands brushing against my cheek to stop my bawling at the park after being freed from the terrible psychiatric hospital.
When he would deny that he loved me multiple times then finally gave in and we were finally happy.
The Avenged Sevenfold hat that he always wore backwards, and the makeup he poorly drew over his eyes.
His piercing laugh when he broke my heart the third time.
His dark wet short hair, dripping past his eyes in the rain as he begged to take me back.
The way we would talk on Myspace, sending IMs, blogs and poetry to each other.
I could still feel the warmness in my heart every time I think about him, still pretending that he's still here with me, watching over me like an angel. Though I know he has been.
I remember when he told me his dad slapped him when he found out he kissed a boy, and Jeremy swore that he would butcher his arm in half and that he didn't want to live anymore.
The way he held me at the skatepark, his arms around me and didn't care about the other boys who yelled and screamed "faggot as they walked by."
His friend Greg was the only one who had a car, and took us everywhere we needed to go to get away from this homophobic world.
Our promise that we would love no one else but each other.
The slang text messages he sent me the night he died, about how he couldn't take his family, their homophobic bullshit, their evil threats. And I tried to get there as quickly as I could yet it was too late. He shot himself dead.
His still, glossy eyes of pure relief, the blood shining across the bathroom floor, the smug on his face, the crumbled note in his hand.
The many days I've stayed still, all throughout the day, wishing that God could take him back. I pretended it was just a nightmare. I pretended I never met him though it made it worse.
Nightmares crawling into my soundless dreams.
Memories stuck like tattoos... I wish they could stop so I can move on.
And that I can be comfortable to love someone else.
But in the back of my mind, I can always hear him whisper, "No."
Living with Neurofibromatosis is painful... As you may already know from reading my journals...
The past two days I have been in the Highest pain I have been. Neuropathy pain, pain in my bones, I get pain all over my body... And now recently tees past two days I have gotten flesh pain... Never experienced it but it's painful... Bone pain aches, feels like a needle going through your bone, hurts more with the cold...
Neuropathy pain, feels like pins and needles on the nerves and different parts of your body... Sometimes I get the feeling of a being poked by a hot nail in my hips.
My joints hurt the worst. So do the currently 10 tumors I have....
And now this flesh pain I have been getting... It feels like your flesh is being pealed off or torn off your muscles and bones...
I am not complaining or bitching about it. Just simply stating it in case I don't reply, I am in a bad mood or depressed you know why now...
Pain pain and more pain
December 07, 2013, 12:14:am
Well I had my blood test today but my doctor didn't check for cancer. I checked the blood test sheet and it was just basic stuff CBC, the 14 blood test where they check thyroid, liver, etc my lipid platids and some other stuff.., I would just want to know why I have to be in pain everyday? I know there is a purpose for everything. I believe in God and have faith. I would just like to know what plan he has in store for me? It may sound selfish but I think it would put my mind at peace
Tomorrow is the day I turn 20. After years, I never thought I would live this long. After my traumatizing past and demented exes, I thought I would have snuffed it by now, just release all the frustration out on myself. But a birthday is another day to me. My father is too stubborn and bitter to visit my new apartment for a late Thanksgiving or my birthday. Though I am grateful for the day off my boss gave me for my ambitious efforts in his business, he was sentimental enough to grant me a vacation for a week.
Everything's fair and everything's not worth to complain anymore. Times get bad, but I still ride out the depressing rain, read my favorite book, take a sip of Mascatto Wine, and sleep comfortably in my own living. And remind myself how far I've gone and that I have my own life now. I set my own rules, I plant my own destinations and goals. I pay my own taxes and bills without being financially disrupted. I partially love it.
I just don't know what to do... TOMORROW that is.
Maybe I'll just dine at my favorite restaurant.
i just watched an episode of cold case dealing with skinhead neonazism and it pissed me off. like seriously white people should rule and kill all the other races? im not racist i dont dislike people on race but honestly i think that white people are worse than other races. it just urks me we are not better than any other race. i wish this damn race feud would end. what ever happened to not judging people by their skin color,race,sexual orientation,gender etc but for their character. 9/11 was scary yes but that was 1 man with a group i doubt every arab thought that way. and same with stupid gay to straight camps run by christian people dont get me started on those. i wonder how they would feel if the majority were gay people and the minority were straight people.fuck people get over its 2013 not 1940.
end of rant
You started an interesting conversation but when you wrote "9/11 was scary yes but that was 1 man with a group i doubt every arab thought that way", you lost it. You need to re-read and re-watch WHAT exactly happened that day. But LIKE because you add a thoughtful Journal Entry in here...