to others I like to put up this image of a strong and strong-willed guy, I like people to think of me as level-headed and rational. someone who you could trust and come to for emotional support youknow? don't get me wrong, I do like helping others, in fact I wish I could help everybody! but, unfortunately for me, i'm not as strong as I appear to be, i'm emotionally damaged even though I haven't had too bad a life in comparison to others. I am easily hurt by the smallest gestures of indifference or unkindness, even though I might not show it. I honestly feel weak and powerless but I do try to fight it as best I can. I wish that someday I will be as strong a person as I have portrayed myself to be.
1. Customer uses like 4 coupons, gets about $100 off and asks if there are any more coupons.
Me: Um...no....you just used them all
Customer: Do we get an additional discount for charging it on the K's card?
What I want to say: That IS the discount for using the card, you stupid fuck.
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2. Customer brings like 3 K's cash and tries to use them all. You can them and find out that they returned an item
Customer: I didn't return anything!!!
Me: It says you returned an item today.
Customer: No I didn't.
What I want to say: YES YOU DID GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Y.O.U. D.I.D. It says on the fucking system.
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3. Customer asks you to scan the $10 off first and THEN the 20% off.
What I want to say: Mam, its the same fucking thing. The system is 100x smarter than you are. It will readjust EVERY time. You are outsmarting no one and are making yourself look like a fool.
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4. Customer: Are you open?
What I want to say: No, i'm actually just standing here for NO fucking reason you filthy animal. I just like to stand here and say hi welcome to (store name), and ignore customers even though I am on a register.
Even the stupid mexicans who don't know english know how to ask "Are you open" except it sounds more like "Ahhhrrrrr yaaooouuuu oooohhhpeeehhhnnn!!!!!?"
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU THINK IM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANT TO BE HERE!? SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME SCAN YOUR ITEMS YOU DUMBASS BITCH.
I don't even answer this question anymore. When they ask if im open I say "Hello" as if they never asked at all. Or I say "I can help you over here." I never answer that stupid fucking question anymore.
Ahhhhrrr yaooou opppeeennn? Shut the fuck up already. EVERYONE asks this. There's a fucking line, i am obviously helping people, come over and lets finish this shit.
Some people are actually so god damn blind and stupid that they will ask me this WHILE I AM HELPING A CUSTOMER ON THE REGISTER. FOR FUCK'S SAKE
Some people are really that fucking stupid that they shouldn't be allowed to breathe air.
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5. Customer finds out that the item they want is $1 more than what they thought it was. Usually a mexican.
Mexican customer: I don't want it. Too expensive.
What I want to say: Then go put it back you worthless shit. If your income is that low that you can't spend an extra dollar, you shouldn't be shopping here. Go shop at good will. You are overestimating yourself.
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6. I ask female customer if they want to apply for a K's card. Their husband shakes his head.
What I want to say: Hey, ugly fuck, does it look like im talking to you? You shake your head one more time and I'm going to jump over this register and knock your ass down. That mustache isn't fooling anyone. You look like a pussy and your life probably sucks. Now let me talk to your wife, you loser.
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7. Customer walks away without saying thanks.
What I am thinking: I'm glad I was an asshole to you. No piece of shit like you deserves good customer service. Suck it bitch.
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8. When they ask me if I 'have' to say Hi Welcome to (store name) to every customer.
What I want to say: Just as much as I have to punch someone when they ask me that.
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9. I ask them if they want to apply for a K's card.
Customer: I already have one but I'm not going to use it today.
What I want to say: I don't fucking give a flying fuck if you're fucking going to fucking use it fucking dumbass. How would that fucking help me AT fucking ALL? I want to fucking know if you fucking HAVE ONE so i can fucking get your ass to fucking apply, stupid fuck. God you guys are fucking stupid. Soooooo many fucking stupid fucking people around fucking here. Like fucking cattle. Except you can not make fucking milk or hamburgers. Completely fucking useless.
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10. Customer wants to do a payment on the K's card, and tells you that they dont have their card with them at the LAST possible moment.
Me: I remember the last time I beat the shit out of someone.
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12.
Me: Hello there
Customer: HALLOW
Me: How are you today?
Customer: Si
Me: Do you want to apply for a K's card today?
Customer: Si.
Me: *gets application ready*
Customer: *pulls their K's card out of their purse*
Me: ...Mother fucker *puts application away*
This only happened to me when I first started working there. I don't even take these fucks seriously anymore.
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13.
Me: *tries to do an even exchange* .... .... this is not an even exchange.
Customer: The girl in customer service told me to come to you
Me: *looks behind me and sees who is working in customer service* ....That girl is a fat bitch who doesn't know wtf she is doing. her life is awful and she tries to make everyone's life miserable. the last thing on her mind is helping you. go back there and try again.
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14. You are assisting a customer and you hear this on the intercom.
Person who sounds aggravated: I SEE 30!!!!!!!!!! I SEE 30!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE NEED TO GET THESE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: ...Ummm...so...anyway....is this going to be all for you today?
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15. I ask the customer if they want to apply for a K's card and get 20% off their entire purchase.
Customer gives me a shitty almost teethless smile and shows me that they already have a 20% because we were giving them out last week.
What I am thinking: Why the fuck are we giving these out again?
Let me get something across first. I actually really like my job. I like all of my co workers, and every job has its frustrations. No matter where you work. I'm just going to vent them here and nowhere else. The order that I list these things does not range from worst to best, or best to worst. They are simply listed and most of them are things that I hate equally.
I will not tell you where I work unless I know you, and if you already know and are reading this, do not comment and mention the name of the place where I work. I don't want to take even a small chance of anyone finding out.
Here goes. This is the shit that I hate about where I work.
1. When people hold up the line and even apologize several times. Why didn't you THINK to look for your money and all your damn coupons before you came to pay with me? Fucking dumbass. "I'm sorry, omg im sorry" shut the fuck up. -_- I'm here standing watching them look through all their crap. Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm....doo doo doo.....(hurry up).....hmm hmm....(hurry the fuck up god damn it)
Customer: Omg im so sorry....I should have done this before....
Me: Its okay (Yes you SHOULD have, hurry the fuck up or get out of the way fucker)
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2. "I forgot my coupons."
Do you have Alzheimer's? Because I swear to god every fucking time you come here OH NO I FORGOT MY COUPONS!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY?
You go to any other fucking store and ask them if they have any coupons. See what they say. Seriously are you fucking retarded? Do you think we are a charity that loves to save you money and gets off on it? NO!!!! We are a fucking business. All of us are here to make MONEY. You are there to lose your money to benefit US. Seriously, show up and tell any of us that you are here with absolutely no money and that you want something for free. Notice the look we give you after you say that? That's how much we really care about you. Nothing. 0. You forget your coupons that's YOUR fucking problem.
"Oh but the other guy that was here last time, I don't remember when, but he gave me the coupon anyway"
That's called a scratch off, you stupid mother $%&#er. That's a promotional day. Not EVERY day.
And then you kindly let them know "If you bring your coupon with the receipt, we will give you the difference back"
Customer: *uninterested and whiny like a bitch* Ah yeah but then I have to come back.
Oh right. I forgot that you're a lazy fuck that probably doesn't even work for their fucking money and never has. And you feel like you are entitled to own shit in the store that you don't even want to pay for at all. Look, you still saved $50. But you're too whiny to care so get the fuck out. Prick. I'm glad I didn't go the extra mile for you. I'll save it for someone who is less whiny.
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3. When the customer asks "What's that 'I see fifteen, I see fifteen" that I keep hearing on the intercom? What does that mean?"
Proper response: You shut the fuck up, that's none of your business, give me your money and get out.
What I really say: Oh, I don't know. It's not for us, its for the other people who work on the floor.
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4. When the customer says "I couldn't find anyone on the floor."
What I want to say: What do I look like? The manager? Do you REALLY think I give a fuck? I am worried about MY work not someone else's. Quit your bitching and just buy your shit so you can leave, please.
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5. When the customer brings an item that has a shitty yellow sticker that says $8 and when you scan it or type in the UPC it shows up for $15 or more.
Customer: The yellow sticker says its $5 so that's what it is.
What I wish I could say: Nope. You shut the fuck up. It's not that price. This is the real price.
Customer: Then why does it say its $5? You guys are lying to us
What I want to say: How about you close your eyes, I put a $5 sticker on your forehead and then I buy you for $5 so I can knock the ****....its not that price ok. Just accept it.
Customer: Let me talk to your manager
What I really say: Ok
*manager comes and explains that its not the real price, just like I did*
Customer: *makes a scene and usually still doesn't get her way
What I want to say: Take that you bitch
*when the customer DOES get their way*
What I want to say: .....Prick. Get the fuck out.
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6. When the customer gives you their signature for a payment and asks you if they should press "clear" or "accept."
Um hello? Are you retarded? Seriously, think which one is the better option THINK. Which one makes more sense? Dumbass....
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7. Customer asks you where the receipt is when you just barely put the money in the register.
Can you fucking WAIT?
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8. Customer uses 20% off and then uses their (store name)'s cash and complains when the 20% off becomes less than what it was before.
Customer: I thought this worked just like real money? It's called cash and its green.
What I want to say: A store gives you $50 fucking dollars and you are still complaining? This is how it works, just deal with it.
Customer: You guys are ripping us off. This isn't right.
What I want to say: Then rip up the money and don't use it at all you dumbass bitch. Write your name on this list so I remember to not give you anything after your purchase. Ungrateful asswipe.
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9. Customer who doesn't know English shittily attempts to blend in and pretend to know English but is able to answer absolutely none of your questions because they know 100% nothing of the language.
They say "uh huh" and "ah hah" but when you actually ask them something that requires more input they say "que?"
What I want to say: Nothing, you stupid son of a bitch. Nothing. Forget it.
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10. Customer knows English but replies to you 100% in Spanish
Me: *pretends to not know Spanish at all and forces them to speak English*
What I am thinking as I do this: Take that, you filthy animal. We are in AMERICA. SPEAK MY LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!
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11. Customer who does not know English asks you how much an item costs. I show them the second screen (that is there only for them and not us) where they can see the shit I am scanning, they say "mhm" and immediately continue to ask me what the price is as I keep scanning shit.
Our numbers in English aren't different than the ones you use, you stupid fuckers. READ THE NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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12. The fact that there is a 99% chance that when a mexican customer approaches you, they will say "I don't want these items" and leave your register with 50 things and only buy like 5. I say this being mexican myself. I'm sorry to sound racist but they are the only ones who do this shit!!!! GO PUT IT BACK. Fuckers.
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13. When they act all "Aw fuck it doesn't have a price? Damn!!"
What I want to say: You shut up. 1. You probably already knew. 2. You're only making this more annoying than it already is. 3. Go get another one for me or keep your mouth shut
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14. The people who KNOW English and bring you coupons that haven't started yet. Jesus mother fucking christ how fucking stupid do you have to fucking be TO NOT READ THE DATE ON A FUCKING COUPON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I the only one in the world who makes sure that a coupon has started or not expired before I fucking use it? You fucking dumbass. READ IT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
I'm gonna stop for now -_- this is making me angry.
I used to work as a cashier at probably the largest retailer in the country. All of this, except the whatever-cash. The ones I hated dealing with were the assholes who tried to give me faulty price matches. Or the ones who knew enough English to price match, but are all like, "mande?" when you ask them a question. I used to think to myself every time someone said that word "No, not Monday, you asshole, today!" And I figure that I shouldn't be expected to know any Spanish, considering that I'm white, but bitches still gave me an attitude for not speaking it...this one lady gave me a royal ass chewing for it once. That was two years ago, thank goth I was such a nice person back then, LOLz.
I had a hard time coming up with the name for this journal entry. "May 4, 2013" seemed like too half-assed a title, but anything else would have been too cheesy, so I kind of did both. I made the date a title of sorts, without making it just a date. Hah.
May 4, 2013 was a crazy day. It started off pretty normally. I went into work at 9AM (having gotten out of work at 11PM the previous day, it was annoying to go home and sleep, only to come back to work upon waking up) and got out at 5PM. I didn't expect anything unusual to happen whatsoever. I had work the next day too, so I was just expecting to rest and talk to people before the day ended.
On my way back from work, I caught a glimpse of the street that leads to the park. The park is nothing great. In fact, nothing around this area is really all that great at all, but it reminds me of when I used to walk that path all the time with my friends at night. We would walk there to go have a smoke and get the liquor before heading out to drink somewhere. It reminded me of how wild we used to be, even just one year ago. When drinking was all we did, all we lived for in the present. We all had goals and everything but the future was far away to us. The present was now, and getting fucked up was too fun for us to move on from it.
I shook the thoughts away. It was nice to remember, but I didn't want to think about it more, because if I did, I might end up doing something stupid. Fat lot of good that did me.
I got home, I ate, and I passed out on my bed for about half an hour. 30 minutes isn't much, but its enough to get rid of that "I'm about to pass out, can't keep my eyes open any longer" feeling. At work, its hard to feel tired because you're on a roll. You have duties to perform, so feeling tired isn't an option. But once you get out, comfortability sets in. You breathe it in like a sleeping gas. I was still a bit tired, but I hate sleeping. And I 'especially' hate sleeping and letting the day go to waste. I only sleep when I know damn well that there is nothing left in the day for me to do. Or if I'm just so damn tired that I can't do much else (which is usually the same thing, at the same time as the former option.)
I checked my Facebook and I saw my friend Christian like my statuses. They were old notifications that were somehow appearing as new again. Possibly because I had only read them on my phone and not on my computer until then. It prompted me to message him and say "Yo."
"Yo," coming from me, means "I'm bored...Hi." When I actually say "Hi" or "Hello" it probably means that I barely met you and I'm looking to start genuine conversation. I wasn't expecting much of a response. I was expecting a "What's up" or maybe some random conversation or something. My friend Christian had other things in mind. He said "Hey what's up dude. I wish we could drink today."
Now, while that may seem like normal and typical conversation to you. To me, it knocked me back like a shockwave and I opened my eyes, no longer being the tame person that I have become who was only looking to enjoy a normal day. When I read those words, it felt like it was already decided that I was going to join him. I had just been given the ability to change this night from a normal boring one, to something seemingly much greater. And that is exactly what I opted to do.
Except, when he came over, (after watching two episodes of Batman Beyond which is a great show btw) it wasn't much greater at all. We ate, and then we went outside and all of a sudden we felt very unenthusiastic about the whole thing. We had already bought the liquor and everything so it was too late to change our minds. We were still going to continue because it has been proven, time and time again, that even when a night starts out shitty, it can end up being great.
We sat around with the bottles, still unopened. Neither of us wanted to take the first shot. Whereas in the past we would have started right away with mountain-high enthusiasm, we began to question ourselves and our reasoning. What was the point? In a nutshell, drinking used to be a whole new dimension - another existence where nothing mattered. And now, it can still do that but not with two people anymore. We needed more than that to make it even further an existence different from what we are used to. But it was only us. It was the same thing all over again.
What were we going to talk about this time that we hadn't already talked about? I mean sure, I'm getting an apartment with him and another friend in about two months, but there wasn't much to talk about concerning that. The only thing left to do about that, is to just make it happen and that's that. It wasn't something to discuss for a whole hour let alone four or five. Its hard to want to play BlazBlue drunk like we used to because we have already done that a million times. If we had more players, maybe. But us two? No...not until the new one comes out. And even then...hmmm.
I said "Let's just start," I said. "Let's see what happens." We both took a shot of rum. Nothing, of course. One shot is nothing.
(Let me make it clear, first, that when we take "shots" most of the time it is about 1/3rd of a real shot. Not all the time, but most of the time. We don't take real shots because we like to take more of them, if that makes any sense. The "less" we take, the longer we last, the more we have fun, and the more shit we can toast to like when we hear something really cool or something really cool happens) But we do take real shots from time to time. It's not like we can't, we just don't want to do it all night because then "all night" won't be very long. And we all really like to take our time with this enjoyment.
We took about two more and then I sat down and said "You know...this sucks." Christian agreed. I suggested that we go walk down my street, for absolutely no reason, and he said "I'm down actually." We left. I was just planning to have a smoke or something. I wasn't expecting anything spectacular. About five houses down, on the opposite side of my part of the street, I saw a car at my friend Josh's house. I heard someone laugh and I figured it might have been one of his friends. Maybe he was home? He was always down to drink. He just isn't usually home anymore because he is usually out with his girlfriend nowadays.
I wasn't planning to approach the car, but I kept looking at it time and time again. Christian wasn't too fond of Josh so I pretty much made up my mind that I wouldn't go across the street to investigate. But as I kept walking and we almost walked past it, I couldn't stop myself anymore at this point. I said "Hold on man, wait here." and I walked across the street to go see what was going on. I wanted to see if he was home. Maybe this was the key to making this shitty, boring night something that was at least fun. Its almost always guaranteed to be better when you drink with 3 people instead of 2.
When I got close to the car, I noticed that it was Josh's older brother Rick. When I say brother, you probably don't have an accurate estimation of what he was like or what he looked like. This brother of his, is actually 20 years older. He was old enough to be my dad, but he's one of those older people that (despite being much wiser) still have fun like they are 20. You might say that's a bad thing, but some people are really cool with it instead of lame. They have grown up but they haven't forgotten what it means to have fun either.
Rick said goodbye to the woman he was with, inside of the car. She drove off after some laughter was shared between them.
IWhen she left, I said "Hey man. Is Josh home?" And he said "Hmmm...I bet you $25 he's not." I completely understood. Fucker is never home anymore. I noticed that Rick was carrying two beer cans. Tallboys. I said "Yeah..me and my friend here are just bored as hell. We are drinking over at my place. We just figured we could use a third person to join us."
He said "Ah" and then he took a moment to think. "What are you guys drinking?" he asked. I said "Castillo spiced rum." He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes. Then he thought more for about a minute. And asked "Well....how about this. How would you guys feel if I went over for a little bit?"
I said "Sure man. I don't see why not." He thought again and said "Okay. Let me go inside the house, and I'll be right back. Give me about two minutes." I said okay, and I walked back across the street to Christian. I explained everything to him. I said "Okay, this is pretty random. Not sure how this is going to turn out, but his older brother is going to hang out with us." He gave me the sort of open-minded "fuck it whatever" kind of way of saying "Okay, sure."
We waited for what was probably like five minutes. We joked that he wasn't going to come out but eventually the door opened and he came out. I had no idea how this was going to turn out. I even thought it might end up being really lame. I had seen and spoken to Rick before but we never really spoke, spoke. I knew next to nothing about him and had only taken like one shot with him before. I figured that we would all just be standing there maybe for like 20 minutes and that he would decide that this was boring and leave.
After all, we were just drinking at the side of my house. Like old times. It's like a small hallway kind of thing by a fence. During the day time, you wouldn't be able to imagine anyone having any kind of fun there. But at night time with 2 bottles of liquor, a lot can change. A lot. But he didn't really have a problem with it. Maybe he was just planning on drinking those two beers and then watching TV or something. Hell if I know. But drinking is always much more fun when you're with other people.
When we got to my place, I lit up another smoke. I don't smoke sober anymore, but when I drink, I take advantage of that fact and chain smoke. Good thing that I don't drink very often. I started playing music from Cowboy Bebop, the anime. This was the start of a long night.
Despite the fact that Rick knew absolutely nothing about Christian and I, and we knew absolutely nothing about him, we got along pretty well at first. We started off talking about what his life was like growing up in the 80's. He thinks that Twitter and Facebook are fucking retarded. "Why do I want the whole world to know that I am taking a shit right now? I don't need everyone to know my fucking business." I thought that someone, who grew up in his time, must think that FB and Twitter are fucking retarded. Guess I was right.
He told us that there used to be a small arcade near where the 7-11 is by my house. I thought that was pretty crazy. I live walking distance from it, and its been there my whole life. It was always just a convinience store to me. Apparently people used to be able to go and play Pac-Man there. He explained to me how he had seen this place change over the years. Then we started talking about his life outside of El Paso. He had lived in Kansas at one point. That surprised us, because Christian is moving to Kansas in about half a year too. But it ended up not being the same Kansas.
What really made the conversation take a strange turn is when we started talking about Religion. First of all, I pretty much hate talking about Religion at any given point. I just feel that everyone should believe whatever the hell they want and that's that. I'm never in the mood to discuss it. But, somehow, we ended up talking about God. Being what you could call a "confused and former catholic," I didn't really know shit about the specifics of religion. So I would ask both Christian and Rick questions. I think there is where they both really bonded, because they were both very informed about it.
They weren't talking about God like the boring shit that you would expect to hear from anyone else. They managed to make it interesting, somehow. We were doing all that with shots in between, so we kept getting more intoxicated too (which made it all better.) Honestly, I'm not even sure that my writing ability isn't even enough for me to properly show you what it was like. There's no way for me to make it seem as interesting as it really was.
What made the conversation really crazy for me is that Rick knew who my dad was. I had already known this for a really long time, but I had never really spoken to him about it. My grandpa fathered 3 sons. My dad, the oldest, named Edward like me. His younger brother Chris who lives in Dallas and is a Lieutenant with the Dallas Police. And their younger brother, who I will not name because he is a moron. Rick told me that he wouldn't really hang out with my dad much, but that he would hang out with Chris. But he did mention that my dad showed him a "book" at one point, that was full of many lyrics that he had written for music.
My dad and I are like two sides of the same coin. And the way we wrote showed it too. I was on the narrative side, and he was more on the poetic side. I can't do what he does, even nearly, and neither can he do what I do.
I eventually ended up telling them my story about how I ended up in Alabama, about how my dad had died, etc. We started discussing whether or not my dad was still out there somewhere. Rick asked me if I "felt" like he was out there. I said, Yeah I do. We talked about miracles that had happened, we talked about stories in the bible, movies, all of this seems pretty lame to you I'm sure. There is no way to describe how awesome it was in person. To even try would just be a waste of time.
Religion wasn't the only thing we discussed. We also talked a lot about music, about how video games have changed over the years, and about how I'm going to join the military. Rick asked me if its what I really wanted to do. I told him how four years ago I was going to join and ended up backing out because I didn't want to anymore. But that now, I found myself walking that path all over again, and that this time I was sure. He said that if that's what I felt like I should do, that I should do it.
Soon enough, we all felt like we had known eachother for years.
Have you ever read Harry Potter before? If you know who Sirius Black is, then that's who Rick is. That's E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. who he is. He even somewhat looks like him too. He told us that he had never taken a razor to his mustache, not even once, and me and Christian thought that was pretty impressive and we shook his hand and took a shot to that. That's fucking intense.
He also told us how he and his wife ended in a divorce, which I won't discuss because its really personal, and how he has daughters that he hasn't seen in almost a decade. Not because of him, but because of his wife. We all talked about our lives, and he told us what he had seen, what had happened to him, about everything. It was really inspiring to have someone who was twice our age hang out with us and tell us about life.
It made us realize that we were all just like eachother on the inside. We were all born in a different time period but we were so much alike. It was unbelievably inspiring. We hung out for a long time, discussing many things, and eventually it was like 1 or 2AM. Maybe even 3. He was pretty drunk (so were we), so he decided to head home. It was such a great fucking night. We were both glad that I had decided to walk across the street and invite him over.
It made me remember that there are still great nights to be had in the future, that everything would be okay in the end as long as you didn't give up. It made us remember what the beautiful side of life looked like. It was pretty amazing.
I've always had this one particular problem throughout most of my life. Despite the other things that I was sure of about the world around me and myself,I have never known what I was going to do with my future.
I mean, I had somewhat of an idea whenever I had a girlfriend. I would think about us, about our future, about the relationship. But about me? I rarely ever thought about "me". About what I wanted. And when I did, I would make choices that would break my relationship apart.
Why? Why would my relationship break apart once I realized what I truly wanted? If you asked me even a month ago, I wouldn't have had an answer for you. But now I know something that I didn't know before. I hate being comfortable. It's all over me. That isn't to say that I don't like to chill out and take it easy. Who doesn't? But its almost like it makes me feel guilty. Isn't that strange?
When I first noticed it, I started to think more and more about it. And it become more apparent to me that it was true. When I lay in bed with a girl and we cuddle ...I have fun and everything but it bothers me. I feel like I should be out doing something instead of, you know, just laying down and being...weak and dependent. That's what it makes me feel like. Like I need support. Like I can't live without the other person.
What bothers me even more if that I seem to like it more when they hold me, rather than when I hold them. I'm a man. I'm supposed to hold a woman and let her rest on my chest. Why do I like it when its the other way around?
Maybe the whole relationship thing only bothers me because I have spent many years of my life only focusing on having a one. I was focused on maintaining the ones I had, and seeking others out when I didn't have one. That's been the focus of my life for quite some time. Now, that isn't to say that its the only thing I did. I played a lot of video games (I have a major passion for that) and I hung out with my friends and we went many places. It was awesome. I did many things with many people. But the number one thing; the main thing that I cared about was having a girlfriend.
And I realized just a few weeks ago that it's not that great. Sure, it depends on the person. The person has a lot to do with it. In fact, they have everything to do with it. The way they are, the way they look (lets be honest here), the ambitions that they have, their goals, their past, what they want for their future, how they communicate; all of that plays a role.
But is that really all I want? To have a wife waiting for me to come home while I work every day. I go to work, come home to my wife, get all lovey dovey, go back to work, come back, go back, come back, go back, come back...
I know its not that simple. There's a lot more to it than that. It's deeper than that. You have to make it interesting and change things up and whatnot. But, at the same time, the whole idea really turns me off.
Wouldn't it be more exciting to, say, have someone that you really care about - a girlfriend that you know really well. And both of you live in your own houses, but you can visit each other any time? Think about how well that would preserve the relationship in itself. I'm sure that when people get married and settled in that they start to eventually miss the days when they would live separately and go out to eat or a movie, or out of town. They think back and tell themselves "Yeah, those were the days!"
I don't see why it can't continue to be that way. Live in separate houses, if you want to sleep with your boyfriend/girlfriend then just stay over for a night or two. Maybe even 3. Even if you stay for 10 days it'll be better than staying with them for the rest of your life.
You'll get alone time, you'll get cuddle time when you need it, you'll be able to have your decorations and shit where 'you' want it and won't have to compromise with living conditions anymore. It'll be sweet. Life is more enjoyable when you spend time with someone else, but it is NEVER more enjoyable when you spend time with someone else ALL THE TIME.
Even if you can function with that person and spend the rest of your life with them, it will never be better than it used to be. It will go from amazing to great to good and then okay and then manageable.
I understand that not everyone feels this way. Some people can cooperate really well and compromise (which is the basis of a relationship to begin with, along with trust) so that they can make it happen. But even then, it seems like it would still be greater if the two people lived apart.
Think about the benefits. You could have your friends over and do guy things without pissing off the wife, the wife could watch all of her "stupid" shows and invite her weird ass friends over. You can do your own chores and your own laundry. She can do her own chores and her own laundry. You can have a pet dog that she doesn't like, she can do the same, etc.
I might not even end up doing it myself, it really depends on who I "end up with." But, regardless, I think its a great idea that deserves a fair shot.
I remember I used to be able to go on a date, even just a year ago, and make out with a girl the whole time. Like go "see" a movie, kiss her the whole way through, not know wtf is happening in the movie because you aren't paying attention.
And now, I will still do that but maybe only like the first date or the first 3. Probably not even the first 3. After the first time, I will want to watch that movie with the person and comment on it. About how cool it is, or about how something is funny, or about how the actor looks stupid, about the environment, etc. That appeals to me more.
Wow, what is happening to me? Haha. I just don't want to be that couple that does romantic shit 24/7. Kissing, holding, having sex. Is that all that there is to a relationship? No! I want to get to know someone, I want to talk to them, I want to travel with them, see their point of view, not just kiss and fuck I mean come on. If that's all there is to life then I honestly want out.
And yet, for some people, like the old me, that's enough.
Well. I want more now. Much more. I want to do more, see more, feel more, I want everything. Not just a few things. That isn't enough for me anymore.
I'm a stronger and more open minded person now. And that requires much more fuel than I ever did before.
I often just put the current date instead of coming up with a title when I just write for the sake of writing.
Today was supposed to be my day off, but I decided to go to work anyway. They called me in at about 11AM when I was laying in bed. At first I didn't answer, because fuck that shit right? But then I remembered that I have shit to pay off, and that I told myself I would work as much as possible. So I called them back, they asked me to go in (like I knew they would) and I decided to go.
It wasn't too bad. Was only a five hour shift. Someone didn't show up, so they had me go in. Strange thing was that as soon as I went in, that same person showed up too. She was supposed to go in at 10AM and thought it said 1PM somehow. So they made her stay till 8PM instead of 5PM and I got to stay since they already asked me.
It was a pretty chill shift. And honestly, it feels like I never even went. I knew it would flyyyy by so I did it.
Yesterday was a much longer shift (and much more arduous) but man was it hilarious. I have a co-worker named Ismael. He works in the kids clothing department and basically folds all the clothes which sounds MUCH easier than it really is. When you have kids all over the department destroying shit and flinging it everywhere, every table with clothing becomes the head of a hydra ready to regenerate once its head is cleanly severed.
Ismael is fucking hilarious. He is always bitching about the customers in spanish. And we have a supervisor, who I will just name Lorene, who he bitches about too. Yesterday, when I was helping him fold several tables, he said "If that fucking BITCH would come fucking help us over here, we could get some fucking shit done. That fucking bitch with her fucking cigarette just smoking in the back. You don't notice this shit because you work as cashier in the front, but she does it all the fucking time. I fucking swear, if it was up to her, she would be on a hoveround driving all over the store with a cigarette in one hand and a burrito in the other."
Lmfao!!!!!
Me and Lorene have always gotten along, but now that he mentions it, its true. She does seem to be pretty lazy. I never see her folding anything but I see everything else folding shit at least a few times. Even our general manager folds shit too when its bad but I never see her doing a damn thing. Hahaha. I couldn't stop laughing when he said that.
Also, a few weeks back, when I called the housewares department he answered. The customer was looking for a price for a weird small pot thing. I asked him for the number to punch in so I could get the price, and he said "Oh, that CRAP?" and then he started cussing out the customer in spanish (although they, of course, couldn't hear him because he was on the phone.) He said pinche' vieja culera me tienen caminando pa todos lados!!!!!!!!!!!! digale que se valla a la verga!!!!!!!!!!
Which basically translates to "Fucking bitch has me walking around the WHOLE fucking store!!!!! Tell her to go suck a fucking dick!!!!!
And here I am on the phone trying not to laugh my ass off in front of the customer while he says all that shit. Haha.
Well, that's been work lately in a nutshell. I'll leave the regular life stuff for another time.
EDIT:
I was suspended on fucking GameFAQS because I asked these questions in the Military Life section (where you talk about the military and whatnot.)
After I asked the real questions that I wanted answers to, I made a thread that asked these.
1. Is there a Red Lobster and Long John Silver's in every NAVY ship? Can you try to catch the food if you work there?
2. Does it ever happen sometimes where you are cruising to, say, hawaii and all of a sudden you hear. BUM BUM. Bum bum bum BUM BUM BUM willy diddly wong!!!! BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM!!!!!!!!! widdly diddly diddly diddly wong!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you see a big ass whale that tries to attack the ship? Is everyone authorized to use their AK 47's to shoot the whale before it destroys the ship? This is like the main reason I want to join.
3. What happens to the whale meat after you kill the whale? Does Red Lobster get it or Long John Silvers? Or do they fight for it?
4. Do they let you jump out and swim in the ocean as long as you tie your legs to the end of that boat so you don't get lost? Can the sharks see you if you are wearing the camoflauge? Is it worth it?
5. Is it true that the reason the whale attacks the ship is because it can smell the red lobster and tries to free its fellow sea animals? Did you ever put a grenade in the blowhole of the whale? What happens?
6. If more sea animals come to the aid of the whale to attack the ship, is that why we carry planes? So we can fly away to safety where they can not follow? Can any of the sea animals follow you even when you fly?
7. I heard that despite all of the mean sea animals that you can feed the walionruses (sea lions) fried chicken and they will stick around and let you pet them is this true? Is the fried chicken bad for them? What about fried doughnuts? They're so damn cute. Can it be KFC or churches?
8. Do they let you smoke a cigarette and drink a beer under the water if you tie your legs to the end of the boat?
What a week! Last week was such a rollercoaster ride. I really haven’t had a chance to catch my breath til now. At work it was mostly deep shit, of the highest degree – but on wednesday, as we warmed up for Antimatter and Vic Anselmo in Semifinal, Helsinki, I witnessed something utterly breath-taking, that really got my spirits up! Vic Anselmo played with my Nord Electro for her own solo-show plus the Antimatter show, and I must say that I really haven’t seen or heard anyone play the instrument so beautifully. It was magic.
We started the evening quite early with our 30-minute acoustic show, and it went quite well, considering the amount of rehearsing. Some songs worked outstandingly well as acoustic numbers, but a few songs still need some re-arranging. Well, they didn’t sound too bad, but we all noticed that without the rhythmic base from the drums, the songs seemed to just wander about, without ever reaching the dynamic climax. And It Remains, on the other hand, with its’ new acoustic arrangement worked really well. I decided to play slightly distorted bluesy organ in the chorus, and it instantly took the song into the Pink Floyd-department. And it was great! The closing, new song in our set was the new rough arrangement of a song called Days To Come, and it also worked quite magically well as an acoustic piece.
Then, after a short breather, Vic Anselmo took the stage and played her solo material, just singing and playing piano. And let me tell you: it was pretty fucking epic show! She played and sang with such a talent, I think my jaw dropped open. It was simply amazing. After the gig I had to buy her cd – signed by her, of course!
Finally Antimatter got on the stage: Mick Moss on acoustic guitar and Vic Anselmo on piano and backing vocals. The show started with a cover of a legendary Richie Havens number, an old negro spiritual Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child, in honour of this great musician who just passed away the day before, on April 23rd 2013. As Mick was playing this song in the soundcheck, I knew I had heard it before, but I just couldn’t figure out whose song it was. Not until he announced it later that night. Richie Havens, of course! I think Havens didn’t actually write the song, but he made it famous with his Woodstock performance in 1969. Originally Richie Havens was supposed to be the 5th artist on this legendary festival, but due to the fact that all the four other bands and artists were running late, Richie was to open the whole festival. He played for 2 hours and 45 minutes (!) - the audience demanded an encore after another, and when he came back to the stage, having played every song he knew, he played his own interpretation of this old spiritual song. When I first saw the Woodstock documentary with some live footage of each artist, this song really made a huge impact on me. Havens’ performance was so emotional, so spiritual. What a way to open the festival! And what a song to open a gig with! Antimatter really served justice to the song. It gave me the chills. Like the whole show.
I have to be honest and confess, that I’m not very familiar with Antimatter’s material. Of course, I have checked out some of the songs, but I didn’t really recognize any when they played - maybe the setlist was mostly newer songs that I hadn't heard, dunno. I really recognized only one other song, another cover. This time it was The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood – one of my favorites from this notorious 80’s synth-pop band. I had the double vinyl back in the day, and I remember that this song was the opening song of one the sides. I used to listen to it, time and time again…you know, in the age of vinyls you had to pick up the needle and place it back on the first groove. It was almost as a ritual of a kind. I think I will have to get that album back in cd-format. I haven’t really listened to it in years. Nevertheless, the Antimatter originals all sounded awesome. I think I oughta get the whole back-catalogue! Mick Moss has such a deep and evocative voice!
When Antimatter comes to Finland the next time, I will be there! If not warming up for, then at least in the audience.
Its funny. Four years ago, when I initially tried to join, I made it past MEPS and had my job assigned to me. I was set to go, all I had to do was graduate high school.
Long story short, a girl that I had for class was amazingly able to talk me out of it. She didn't tell me not to join, but she told me what she knew it was like, because her boyfriend was in it. Can't remember exactly what she said, but after she talked to me, I backed out. Crazy...because all of my close friends were unable to talk me out of it. When I left, the major (who was in charge of the local delayed entry program at the recruiting office) told me "You'll see, you'll come crawling back to us. And when that happens, you can join the Army or the Marines because we aren't going to take you back."
I replied "We'll see about that."
I was 18 back then. Now, I turn 22 in two months. That was my wake up call. 22...Twenty Two. And what am I doing with my life? Honestly, I have never been able to answer that question since the last time I wanted to join the Navy.
But I was much more naive back then. Much more gullible, much less informed, much less motivated, much less everything. I haven't done much with my life since. I've had jobs here and there, I had an apartment, I moved to Alabama for like 4 months, I joined a University but failed out of it because I just couldn't care. On top of that, I drank a lot for two years. Haha. I didn't even drink at all or smoke the first time I wanted to join the Navy.
At the very least: I am much more of a man this time. Much stronger, much more motivated, much more capable than ever before. After I quit drinking so much, I found confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I have severely underestimated myself. I am much more powerful than ever before.
The thought of the military still sucks for me, but I understand something now. Despite the so-called "harsh conditions" (lack of freedom, being away from family, etc.) that the military has...which really don't seem so harsh right now, it seems WAY better than being at a fucking college. What am I going to go? Keep living with my grandpa and take the bus to school every damn day and watch the years go by...I mean yeah its productive but fuck, I don't even know what the hell I want to study for. It's just not for me.
Being on a ship, traveling the world, and working my ass off. That sounds like the stuff that real men are made of. At the very least, even if I end up not liking it, it will turn me into a man. You don't just magically transform a man when you are 18 or 21. You have to become one with dedication, hard work, and survival.
I still won't be joining for another six months. That's a rough estimate. I have a few things I want to do first before I go out there for years. But I am so ready to get the fuck out of here again. But this time, its not just about leaving this place. Its about bettering myself, seeing the world, and doing something with my life. And for that, I will pay any cost.
I did my research, and despite what the major said, they will take me back. It's been four years. The guys that were there when I went might not even be there anymore. And even if they are, I'm still joining.
A lot of people knock the military. I enjoyed my time in, and Mel has done quite well with her own decision to join the Air Force. It will give you a solid foundation for later on down the road. 4 years is a drop in the bucket, especially when you are younger.
Enough about that bullshit. Let's start new again!
April 23, 2013, 04:06:pm
Okay, so today is April 23, 2013. I haven't written journals in like a month (aside from my previous two) because I got suspended by one of the pussy admins on this site. Of course, they always leave some shitty message after they block you because they like to feel omnipotent.
Like, in my case, this one.
"Keep your homophobic comments off of this site. Next time you get deleted, no more warnings."
What the hell is that even about? First of all, let me go ahead and say that I don't have a problem with people who are gay or really any other kind of sexual preference at all. But I argue with so many fuckheads on this website sometimes that they go and report me to the mods, and whatever reason they tell the mod was the reason for the argument, the gullible mod
Who probably looks like this:
believes them and then suspends me. Big deal. I dealt with the suspension, its not like I didn't have other things to do, its just annoying that morons like these are the ones who are in power. -_-
Enough about that loser, though. Actually, if it wasn't for him suspending me, I wouldn't have started talking to Lexi again so it kind of worked out. Despite the fact that me and Lexi didn't work out (and only lasted like a week haha) it gave me a chance to get away from home and stay in the west side for a few days, which felt like a much needed vacation. It also changed my perspective on things. I don't think I have ever changed this much in such a short span of time. Months of development in just a few days. Hmmm.
My paycheck this week is going to be super small because of all the time off I had though <_<; but I'm already working again, so the one after that will be pretty good. I get paid weekly, so that's always nice.
Other than that, it was nice to drink with my friends again a few times. I talk about this a lot, but for people who are new to reading my journals I will just say that I drank A LOT for like two years. I don't really want to get into it because there are plenty of other journals about it, but I started off 2013 being guilty about it. And now, I don't feel guilty anymore but I also have control over it. So I am finally able to enjoy it from time to time instead of having that "all the time or none of the time" mentality.
We had some great nights. But its time for me to take a break from it again. We didn't let it get out of hand, but I have other things that I want to do. And I know that when I drink again it will be pretty bad ass. More than likely in May when I go camping with my friend Jesus. He's my work out/jogging partner. I knew him in high school but we never really spoke back then.
Hmmmmm. I'm not sure what else to write right now. I suppose I will just leave it this way. Thanks for reading.
I'm proud of you. You're probably one of the only people that's ever taken my advice. I'm glad you've reached that comfort zone with your drinking and that you've taken control of it. Good job, Edward. *high five*
Why am I still writing about you? I liked you but not THAT much. Hmmmm....
I don't really think about you much anymore. But sometimes, when its quiet and there's nothing to do, I do look back and think about something in particular.
You made me realize something. I'm not sure if I can ever live with a woman. Or...be with one. I mean I come across people who like me fairly often. Not really often but from time to time. And sometimes I like them too.
But being with someone makes me feel weaker. If there is such a thing as too comfortable, that's what it is. Almost like there is no reason to better myself. That is not what I 'believe' it is just what I feel. Cuddling and watching a movie instead of going to the gym...that sort of thing. What am I even saying? I mean, there's nothing wrong with getting comfortable..but for some reason I hate it.
I don't want to be that guy who is 30 or 40 who let himself go and talks about the past all the time. No way! Even if I do end up with someone, I won't ever do that. It's just the temptation that bothers me. Sigh.
And yet, I find myself thinking about the past more than the future. Always about my past. Always about the people I met, the people I lost, people I won't ever speak to again, memories I won't ever get to relive.
But it shouldn't be that way. I should think about today, about tomorrow, about the future. But somehow, it never feels like there is a future. I never feel alive. I go out and I do things but I always feel like I am dead. Like a ghost. Like no one can see me. Not because of lonliness, I have many friends. But I continue to feel that way regardless. Maybe its because I feel like no one can understand me. Hmm....
I'm not hung up over you, I wasn't even sad when we ended whatever we had (whatever you want to call it) but for some reason I feel like directing this to you. And yet, at the same time, I don't. Because in reality we only hung out for a few days and saw Batman movies. Haha...that's so lame. But there isn't much more to do around here with such a schedule on top of it too.
I just hate the person that I become when I am with someone. I feel weak. And I especially hate when I do more for someone than they do for me.
You need to learn how to still be the person that you are normally whilst being with someone else. A lot of people have this problem, hence why a lot of relationships don't work out.
I showed you my journals and you read all of them in about an hour. That was impressive. You went from knowing nothing about me to knowing all of the important things in such a short amount of time. And now, here's the most recent entry. The only one that you will likely not read.
Why? Because we are through. We are done. I was not who you thought I was, and you were not what I thought you were.
We turned out to be incompatible, despite all the things we understood about eachother and the things we 'thought' we had in common at the beginning.
To be honest, I don't even know why I am writing this. Is it for closure? We talked many times in the past and it didn't end well. This last time was our biggest effort on both parts. We finally saw eachother in person again for the first time in years.
Everything went so well in the beginning. It usually happens that way. It's a major set up for things to fuck up in the end. A part of me knew from the very beginning that something was off. Something was wrong. But it was so fun, and it was nice to like someone again, so I just wanted to enjoy the ride while it lasted. But every time I saw a picture of you, I just knew we weren't compatible. It wasn't because I thought you were unattractive. You are attractive. And im more interested in personality than anything else, but when I would see pictures of you I would get that feeling, deep inside, where it feels like 2 people just like eachother just because. Just because.
Those kinds of relationships can never form anything solid.
Without turning this into a rant, I just want to say a few things. Next time you start seeing someone, do them a HUGE favor and don't talk about your ex allllllllllllllllllllllllll (I could put so many more l's) the time. I even told you that I don't like him and you kept talking and talking and talking and talking about him. I mean really?
It was really annoying when I hung out with you the sunday after the party and you were texting him most of the whole day. -_-
That really, really, really killed it for me. So much. Do not make the next person go through that shit (you probably will anyway since you seem to be obsessed with your ex.)
I could say a lot more, but I'm not feeling in the mood to continue this journal anymore. We wasted enough time with eachother already. I guess I just wanted to write about it, since you took the time to read my other journals. You can now see a very small piece of what I felt during the time I spent with you. Well, goodbye Lexi. I'm not hurt at all, only relieved. I don't hate you, but the things you said and did were extremely annoying most of the time.
But, I won't lie, we had some fun. It was a nice vacation from reality, even if only for about a week. Goodbye, Lexi.
Those of you stalking our Tumblr updates on a regular basis, already know this. I've got some good news and some bad news. Being such a party pooper, I'll let you in on the bad news first. The thing is, after a 4-year rollercoaster ride together, our dear friend and a magnificent drummer Lauri decided to quit the band. For a number of reasons, one being the fact that for the past 12 months or so the band has obviously lacked a bit of direction and drive. During this time we have only managed to complete one new song for our live-sets. One song in 12 months ain't much - despite the obvious fact that the song came out pretty fucking good. Of course, there were other reasons, too, but I think this was one of the biggest and nastiest things that bugged him for all this time. Yeah, lazy li'l cunts we are. So, basically we don't have a drummer for now. Not that it matters so much, as we already decided to focus on an acoustic EP next. We might need a little bit of percussions here and a teeny bit of single shots of various drums and rhythmic stuff there, but I'm sure Lauri will lend a hand when needed. After the release of the EP, we're a bit fucked, to be honest. Lauri was/is such an intuivite sort of a musician, it will be really hard to find a replacement of equal caliber. Plus, if we don't get our shit together by then, anyone with enough skills and ambition will not tolerate our lazy ass approach for long. We need to straighten up. Sad little cuts, we. The project with the EP will keep us occupied for the rest of this year, for sure - and if the usual perfectionist inside our tortured souls rears up its' ugly head at some point, the project will probably blow up in our faces and take longer. But, the sunny side of it will be, to us and to our fans, that instead of just warming up some leftovers from our previous EP's, we will record a bunch of new acoustic songs on this EP. Yeah, we have a few in the making, and they're all good. And as I'm going to be in charge of some of the sessions, I'm going to be the sick slave-driving fascist to whip out the best performances out of my bandmates - pretty much like the last time around. Not much editing, real organic musicianship. The old school way. There's gonna be all kinds of acoustic instruments, like cello and violin(s), saxophone(s) - and a bit of electric piano, the vintage stuff, and even some blues organ. So, semi-acoustic, actually. And as luck would have it...
...the good news is, that we are very honoured to inform you, that Carved in Ashes will be warming up for Antimatter (UK) next week in Helsinki! It will be an acoustic gig, just like the previous gig in Boothill - only this time, I will be playing the keyboards. (Last gig it was Lauri who replaced me, as I couldn't make it).
And after the gig, we start tracking the acoustic songs. And I can't remember if I told you already, but we'll start making a low-budget music video for Midnight Solitude in June. The screenplay is in the writing - the rough synopsis has already been written. And because we can't really afford to have explosions and strippers, let alone any state-of-the-art, hallucinatory digital effects, we decided to put emphasis on a good storyline instead. We've no idea how long this project will take, but...we'll keep y'all posted!
I'll leave the regular life stuff for another time.
i missed you
I missed you too 
*high five*
