It's been a long while since I wrote one of these. But things have been good to an extent I suppose. While at other times it's been tough. Everything from matters of the heart to the soul, to life and in between has happened since last. And I think it maybe time to get some things off my chest. We all need to let things out every once in a while or we go mad. Some even madder than others. So where could I begin? Heart? Soul? Goals? Life? Love? Sadness? Excitement? Hmmmmmm I guess it should just start from the beginning.
So lets start with the heart and love. Lately I feel as if it's true what my friends tell me. "Why do you only date hot girls, don't you know they're crazy?", I get told. My response? What hot girls? I just date who I like and who I can connect with and have fun. I don't set some bar or limit most people can't reach. I've dated all shapes, sizes, ethnicities and colors. If you're an amazing person, well why the fuck not. But yes a majority have issues, hang ups, regrets, and problems. But who doesn't really? Can't let that stop a person from searching for love right? That would be stupid. But in some cases I can see it. Lets take for example my last relationship not too long ago. In the beginning this person was sweet, had everything I thought was there then by a stroke of luck I ended up with for a bit but wasn't aware of the baggage that came with her. We're talking a whole moving van. It was horrible. Sure she was pretty, but that was it. For me it's not just looks. I love brains, drive, spirit, motivation and determination. Add love and dedication and heart and bam. That's me. But she had that plus denial, lies, insecurities, manipulations, depression, drug abuse, and the worst part. Was the fact she didn't want to grow up and abandoned her kid all because she didn't want to mature. Now that's a red flag. I just can't see myself with a person like that. I was nice but it didn't last long. I helped, I was nice, I took her in when she was homeless to help. But in the end, even when I broke it off easily and honestly. She turned and let those who manipulated her control her again. After that I spent time alone, not that I like it, but I suppose it's just easier to be that way not to get hurt or get led on. Plus I was tired really...... It was never this hard, but people today. I don't know why they make it that way.
Then lets fast forward. Meet someone, they tell you nice things. And again those things start to open you up heart and soul. But again, red flags always raise. And you don't want to see them but you know the patterns. I never understood most of that till now really. Maybe it's been all the times I've been crushed emotionally or even the times I've learned my lessons. Still you eventually understand. This one, says nice things, will tell you they love you. Tell you they miss you, say they wish you were near in moments. You think you're on top of the world. Then one moment you see them telling that to another person. Starts throwing themselves for attention and then eventually moving on after they played you till boredom and just ignore you all while just going on doing the same thing over and over. That's just as bad as those people who change physically then all of sudden their attitude changes and they easily forget they had flaws that took work and now treat others like they never existed yet they were there when no one else was. It's almost like a low standard of douche-ness. Never did get those people. Like getting sexy and beautiful meant turn into a twat, cunt waffle. The logic definitely isn't there. Oh how we all know some of those. It's sad how some people turn. And I met many from all walks of life. They become so fake. So plastic, so false.
What fools our hearts make us, but even more so when you're a nice person and you try to see the good in people. To where they don't appreciate you and all you have to offer. Then reality snaps in and you realize, they have nothing to offer back or they never will because of the illusion of who they say they are to how they really are. It's quite the struggle for the heart, especially those so scarred it almost doesn't look like a heart anymore. Like a tattered sewn together leather bag with stitches crawling all around it. That's what I deal with constantly. And as you get older it never gets easier. Especially when you believe yourself having nothing to offer only because you doubt in yourself to everything. From how you look, to how you dress, to how you act, to what you own and more. It's always a battle within oneself. Still we search, hope we find someone sweet enough, honest enough, hard working enough, motivated enough, happy enough, driven enough, supportive enough and loyal enough to help you reach that next level where you can ask them to join you eternally along the journey to make it less alone. Still we search..... and search.
But don't get me wrong, sometimes it's not so bad. You do meet the occasional surprise person and you enjoy them in a whole sense. Conversations, laughter, connections all good things you want in a person. Looks, a brain you name it. And it's great. Even if there is a little fear that you want to tell them you think the world of them or like them because of all the other stuff. It's still great. I've met a few like that. I don't know signs or anything so I wouldn't know if they would like me like that but I do enjoy the varied connection. Makes you feel good. And personally I like feeling good. Helps me forget about the self consciousness issues that people plant and also helps the heart mend right. It's a good feeling. Not to mention it feels good to see others attracted to you. And that you get their attention. Even if it's in a plutonic way. We all like feeling special.
That's not all to life though. It's been rough at home. Working to help support everyone on your own. Sacrificing more that you really shouldn't have to all because you see one person who have the drive of a champion change and lose that drive. That's rough, mentally, emotionally and physically. It prolongs plans and can really hit the old psyche. Still we fight on.... even when we sacrifice all we have with little to no appreciation at all. We do it because it's the right thing to do. We never give up on family. That's the lowest thing a person can really do. And family sometimes is more than just blood.
Still don't let the rough keep you down I always say. A lot of good has come about from all the sacrifices though. I've recently started getting more gigs again. In various cities and states. I've completed a new album that will be out soon. I'm working on events again throwing raves in SoCal and other cities. I've started traveling again enjoying life. My art and my studio have come back to life. I'm confident, I have more tattoos, I'm back in the gym. I'm healthy and happy. I have my friends again. I've mended bridges and plan to mend many more. Just a lot of good things I'm happy about as well. I understand that the rest is just trivial and sometimes doesn't matter. But still it's nice to have the extras here and there.
I used to think nice guys did finish last, they sometimes do. But this time at least I know we finish period. While others will never get out of the starting gate. So I'm happy, I've done more in a quarter of my life than most people will do in 100 lifetimes. That says a lot. And I'm far from over. Now just a new chapter to follow. Who knows right? Maybe I'll find what I want, and change what I want for the better. Maybe I'll achieve more than I've ever wanted to or finish and start a whole new list of dreams and achievements. Maybe I'll find that one girl I'll fall in love with, ask her to marry me, have a family and have more adventures while I work hard and sacrifice for them to be happy. Only time will tell and only I can make that happen. It'll happen. I just know it. I'm like Jack Skellington, great at what I do, just waiting for someone to understand me. I'm like Link, hoping to save a Princess Zelda who will be by my side through the dark times. I'm like Sora, hoping Kairi will find me and our love will grow. I'm like Superman, always there to save the world, but hope to fly back home for a woman I'd always be myself around like Lois Lane. I'm En3rgy.... I'm me. I'm all those combined. I'm a keeper, and one day. Someone will see it. And when they do, oh they will know. And I'll spend the rest of my days proving them right.
Are you sure you are morbid enough? Have you twisted a cats head from its body and licked the blood off? Have you admitted yourself into an insane house just to get free drugs? Have you ever killed an animal and liked it? Have you ever dreamed about being with a horror movie person as a relationship? You think you have what it takes? Come and join this very awesome cult Morbid. The Darkest of the Abyss