Quand j'étais enfant et ado, mes parents m'inscrivaient à des sortes d'activités : louveteaux, soccer, etc. J'aimais ça, mais en même temps, je ne voulais jamais y aller. Je me sentais fatigué, tanné, craintif et anxieux ; je voulais rester chez moi et ne pas aller à mes activités. Ma mère me forçait toujours d'y aller, me répétant : « sur le coup, tu ne veux jamais y aller, mais à chaque fois que tu reviens, tu es toujours content d'y avoir été. » C'est là une leçon importante qu'elle m'enseignait : la différence entre la motivation et la volonté.
Au Diable "Game of Thrones" et au Diable tous vos divertissements asthénisants qui ne passeront pas plus à l'histoire que tous les autres. Je veux vivre ma vie pleinement. Et vous ? "Philosphy is a team sport." - Timothy Leary
« Je suis venu apporter un feu sur la terre, et comme je voudrais qu'il soit déjà allumé ! » - Luc 12:49
(Et pour l'amour de Sophia, interprétez ça de façon Gnostique (voire luciférienne et hermétique) SVP !)
Isn't it odd, and yet slightly amusing how much Top Journals is just people making "drama" by complaining that people are making drama? Or am I the only seeing it?
Because without naming names, Cult A did one thing, then Cult B mocked it by doing similar. Then everyone and Cult A got upset and irritated with Cult B, while Cult B just said LOL fuck it and carried on.
OR do I no longer understand the English language when I read it and internet humor?
Also I wonder if this is totally going to get flamed. Or ignored, most likely. I haven't pissed off enough people to be VF famous
I was thinking about how the acceptance of homosexuality has evolved within our society in recent years.
1) The stage of Sin. Homosexualy, for religions and moral reasons, was considered as a crime. It was punished.
2) The stage of illness. Crime evolved into mental illness, and people tried to make cures for homosexuality. Sometimes based on the medical model (as hormones were discovered) and sometimes based on psychological models, such as psychoanalysis.
3) The stage of identity. In the 1973, homosexuality was declassified as a mental disorder. It then became a "sexual orientation" and a genetic reality. Homosexuality was a question of "you you are" and "how you were born."
4) Stage of integration. Begin fighting for recognition and equal rights on various social levels. An exploration of the concept of love, sexual orientation, and different labels are made to account for different situations: homosexual is not enough, you also need bisexual, allosexual, pansexual, bi-curious, heteroflexible ... development of the kinsey scale and the melting down of boundaries.
5) Stage of acceptance. Today we can frequently hear people say: whoever you happen to fall in love with does not change who you are as a person. In other words, the mental construct of "sexual orientation" is no longer needed as an explanation or as a justification for amorous and sexual situations. Falling in love is a normal part of life and it doesn't need differential labels.
Of course, this developmental process is seen both on social and personal levels. For example, some religous groups are still stuck in the first and second stages. Some individual people are still stuck in the third stage, being walking talking stereotypes. I do belive that mainstream society as a whole is transitioning from 3 to 4 and slowly to 5.
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I wonder if this can be applied in other fields. The fight against racism? The legalization of marijuana? Non-christian (or non-monotheist) forms of spirituality and religions?
Moral of the day: do not trust the voices in your head including this one.
After reflection, I think the correct lesson of the day would be to make sure that the voices in my head are not tributary to my Will, but rather dispensaries. I.e. That my true Will be the master of my thoughts, that I not be dominated by them, whether cognition or emotion.
to know that I have an unhealthy obsession with collecting notebooks/journals/etc…
… and most of the time, they remain blank.
Something about those blank pages; something about the endless possibilities of the words and memories and stories and emotions that they can be filled with. Apart of me is almost afraid to touch these pages - afraid of tainting them with anything unworthy of their pale, virgin beauty.
It says you have Writer's anxiety. You really wanna write an awesome story, but you feel discouraged by your abilities because you think nothing you write will be remotely comparable to that of the great books you've read. It's one of the causes of Writer's Block. I had to deal with it too before I could start writing. And now my box full of notebooks is finally becoming a box full of manuscripts.
you think nothing you write will be remotely comparable to that of the great books you've read.More like being afraid that anything I write will never be comparable to how I feel in the moment of it's happening.And Dez... I love pens.
I have the same problem. I buy all these pretty gorgeous journals and notebooks. But when I go to write it's always in a cheap school type notebook. That way when I spaz out and rip it in half it doesn't matter what it looks like or what I'm wasting.
"So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...
I can be your whore
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your whore
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for..."
Disclaimer:
I'm going to get a lot of shit for this journal entry. So, prepare yourself, James. I know you're not going to like it. But it is through my written word and my written word alone that I am completely honest with myself. I wouldn't normally share this publicly, but... in a way, I'm so mentally exhausted from hiding how I truly feel.
I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I’ve truly experienced the feeling of “loneliness”. For the better part of my life I’ve been surrounded by those who truly care for me - who make it a part of their daily life to remind me just how much I mean to them. A true blessing, really. Everything I ever asked for in my childhood. However, I feel as though over time I’ve come to take advantage of this blessing.
I had never really stopped to appreciate what it meant to have those people in my life; to reflect for a moment on the true meaning of their words and actions when they felt the need to beckon my company. For years I just sort of drifted between the presence of loved ones, filling my life with social gatherings and aimless adventures to pass the days. Never once did I even have the CHANCE to be lonely.
Of course this is all completely contradicting to my introverted lifestyle. Yes I love to socialize and surround myself with people, but deep down I am and always have been an introspective, introverted shut-in. At least mentally. However, that’s where none of this makes sense.
In these recent days I’ve come to face a depression unlike any I’ve experienced. Not worse, just… different. An ache, a pull, a magnetic heaviness in the very core of myself from something I’ve never been pried away from. The term homesickness is exhausted - it’s been 5 months. I don’t look foreword to waiting at least a year for this to pass. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I know it won’t.
It is in these days that a feeling envelops me in an obsessive, mind-numbing experience that I’m completely unprepared for. “Lonely,” I would hear others say. “I’m lonely.” I would think to myself, always, “What does that mean? What does that feel like? To be ‘lonely’?” There was always a boyfriend. I was never single. There were always friends. I was never lonely. I would mistake this feeling for my anti-social, distant spurts I would find myself in - being mentally apart from a conversation, an event, an experience. Perhaps that was my subconscious attempt to experience this “loneliness” and know what it is like to truly appreciate the company of a good friend, a lover, and even a stranger with a story and a good drink.
But not today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow. I am beside myself in thinking that this is anything but lonely. Where I am surrounded by someone at all times - at work, at home, in the arms of my boyfriend - I am truly lonely. I am without. I am wanting. I am missing, and I’ve been ripped apart from everything I always took for granted.
I am lonely. In this room, in this house, in this city and in this state of being. Truly, and utterly, lonely.
Mood: Not drinking fast enough. Music: "Silence" by Delerium
Jenn, I always advise people to keep busy and happy, or at least to keep busy. Sometimes when you keep busy you forget that you are not happy. Best summer wishes.I can definitely see what you're saying, and I appreciate the advice. I can confirm that this "works", but I can't say that it "helps". Life is too short to fill it with things to make us forget how unhappy we truly are. Why not fill it with things that remind us everyday that we truly are happy?
I can only be me and love you as much as I always have and always will. If that isn't enough for you, for your own happiness, I can't do anything to change that. I offered you my heart, and it has since belonged only to you. I have been there for you through good, bad, and the very painful. I have helped you whenever you asked, and some times when you didn't, but I knew you needed it, and had too much pride to ask. I have loved you, forgiven you, and stood by you no matter what has happened.
It's a "sex" cult. Not too active, but a cult of that nature none the less. I joined the cult a few months back out of boredom, and later on to help a couple friends with staff duties. I made it very clear that it was the first cult I had ever joined that was sexual in nature, as that's just not my style, but I stuck around to help out with activity and what not.
I made several posts about how I was in a long term, serious relationship, so I wouldn't participate in some of the activities in there. I made it perfectly fucking clear. But, I understand that posting in a game thread "Fuck or Pass" is flirtatious and not how someone should act if they're in the type of relationship that I'm in. Regardless of others who do it. Regardless of it's innocence. Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't ACTUALLY fuck those guys. For fuck's sake.
He's pissed. I'm upset. It's not fucking worth this bullshit.
So now I'll just continue to sit here and just feel... idk. But it's shitty.
Coming home from work, I went to the groceries and got myself some Organic Sourdough Spelt bread. Upon closer inspection, there are strange markings: "Old Testament Wonderfood Ex 9:31,32 Ez 4:9"
A very strange thing happened to me when coming home from work today. I left the office, went in the elevator as usual, pressed L for Lobby ... but then, to my surprise, the elevator started going up. I felt confused ... moreso when it stopped at floor number 5. It just stopped; the doors wouldn't even open. Finding this situation to be rather comical -despite the uneasiness of being stuck in an elevator on the 5th floor- I said aloud, "Hail Eris!" ...and then the elevator slowly went back down to the lobby and opened its doors to let me out. I kid you not.
Indeed do many things come to pass.
I swear to God, if what happened to my Father happens to Javi I will watch this world burn.
I am not joking.
Taking Javi to the doctors because he might have had a heart attack.
This is a before hand warning, that this is a very emotional and raw journal entry. As such, no one has to read it. But I'm trying to vent.
As I'm sure just about everyone knows by now, Javi, My Love, has Hyperthyroidism.
Normally, this isn't the worst thing in the world. You're going to be stuck on meds for the rest of your life, which is of course disgusting (in the opinion of someone like me), but the condition itself is manageable. If you manage it, if you make sure it's not cancer, if you see your endocrinologist as soon as possible. It's not a really a big deal.
IF you DO those things.
If you aren't doing those things, you can die. You can damage your body and organs beyond repair, you could be walking around with a ticking time bomb of cancer. Your hormones go so crazy you become a completely different person. Your body eats itself alive. Your heart is always just one missed pill away from a heart attack or stroke. You are ran ragged by such an excess of T-3 and T-4 your metabolism is off the charts. Your entire body is being push past it's limits. Things start to not function right, or not function at all. This is happening to Javi.
Your entire life becomes this illness. This thing that is destroying you.
My entire life has become my boyfriend's disease. AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. MY entire quality of life is being impaired by this. BECAUSE HE WON'T GET IT TREATED! "Can't" get treated? Because he's not doing a GOD DAMN thing to save himself. His excuse is money. And yes, it is now an excuse.
Best case scenario he has Graves' Disease. Very possible he may have cancer of the thyroid. Which, by the way, spreads to other organs quickly because of the very nature of the endocrine system. You can see the tumor, it's very real and right there. He's verging on skeletal. His heart doesn't even sound like a grown adult human's anymore. I can't even sit here and list all the shit wrong with him even just this little sample makes me cry.
I researched his disease. I research low cost or no cost insurance or clinics. I go down to DPSS with him. I'm doing all these things and more, all while I have to deal with him determined he's just got no money. Not willing to help himself. Not willing anymore to even try.
And it's wrecking me, utterly.
I know he is the sick one, and maybe I sound selfish. But this is effecting so much of my every fucking day life. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore.
The entire dynamic of our relationship has changed, in some ways that I don't even want anyone to know.
Fuck.
I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm at a lose. This is just hurting me so much and there is not a GOD DAMN THING I can do about it. I can't make him understand he needs to get help no matter what, he needs to change everything in his life until he has this under control or he will have no life.
I think I'm watching the future I thought I had slowly dissolve each day.
He seems quite content to just let me sit here and watch him fall apart. I just cant do this. It's not that he's sick, it's that he won't do a fucking thing to help himself. Not a fucking thing. We're not even united in the common cause of treating this thing.
I get up everyday because I'm driven by this deranged desire to help him, save him. But really I just want to sleep, stay in bed. Dream about when things were better. When I actually had a boyfriend, and a beautiful relationship worth having with a wonderful man.
Before we were this fucking disease.
Who cares if you take meds? It's her opinion and she's already having a hard time without you trying to add a side of guilt. I take meds and even I know what she means and am not offended. Get off her dick about it already.
-astociyyih-, Please don't argue in someone else's very serious entry. If you want to do that, take it to an inbox. I'm saying this as respect to Silver. Eye-rolling jabs just doesn't belong here.Anyway, I don't think I could have written it better as Vlad suggested. {The first big ol' paragraph}
In case you haven't figured it out. You're a monkey on a ruined planet just like the rest of us. There are only two things left to do. To dance and to love.
Quand on regarde les projections du réchauffement climatique, ça devient évident qu'on est toast, et que la sixième excinction massive va se poursuivre... http://vimeo.com/41764194
I don't know why people get pissed off in the first place ><
. I hope things will get better between you two! 
Keep us updated....you tried everything you possibly could.
