Days, weeks, months... maybe a year. We hide in the dark, we hide our only alive feeling under high class poetry. Someone would think we are in love, but this game haunts me more than ripping your skin for once. We hide, you beautiful and perfect, me.. darkness can hide my shapeless self. You shared sheets with untouchable goddesses, wouldn't it be the worse to reach your hell with me? When light hits my face you will run. You wilk forget me. No matter if I know more than anyone how to touch you. I'm scared as I will shiver while you undress me under the anxiety of longing it for so long. When day comes you will see my amorph body but I will try to hide as soon as possible. But I still save every word you said, as we were deserting each other in sleepless nights.
I would start with that quote of Lagwagon, Let's Talk About Feelings but I guess this is a bit too obvious.
In my mind, I'm fighting all the time for the love of my two beloved men on earth, Vreth from Finntroll and Mikko Kotamäki from Swallow The Sun. My mind fan fic centers in all of us living a life full of metal between Espoo and Helsinki, sometimes going back to Falkenberg but it is all happiness.
My real life is struggling against depresion, anxiety, social phobia and loneliness. If you haven't seen me here for more than a week, I gotta say that as always, I'm not going through a good time. Sometimes I wish I was alone forever. Don't get me wrong, it's just that maybe you get involved with the wrong person, and that happened to me four fucking times. People are two faced and I'm not the exception to the rule. But some of them promise you things and then let the rest to break it down. Obviously, they hide in the "I didn't do anything. We'll find a way to work this out". The hell with that!
The title of this journal is BEGGARS cause I think I'm always begging for love. For just a little bit of attention and love. Like "Hey, I'm here! Could you just please note that I even breathe?"
In my mind, everything's perfect. In real life, put me to sleep.
Mood: Sick Music: Cathedral Walls (Swallow The Sun)
One of the things I love the most from being here is that I could find awesome people and I do enjoy talking to them but the thing is... One day, two days... and then they disappear like some black hole had dragged them down. Special mention to Sacrosanct Pariah and Bleeding Void who I speak with almost all the time. But it's a bit sad at some point like "hey, I would love to be your friend, don't go away" and sometimes it's not people you don't see online. Sometimes they are just like me, always checking if there's some new message. Guys, hey!
It's been two years and a half that I'm part of VF. I come and go but I appreciate all the friends I made along this time. Maybe today I can name my "dad" Ayenka. We shared a lot of life memories together. He is one of the best men I've ever met. I will also name my danish friend, Soulwhistle. You're just weirdly awesome! In third place I wanna thank thepyro, cause he was like my first crush in here lol and to finish this little journal, vevaren, you are so nice and sweet, I'm glad to see you better every day!
I hope I can name more of you soon. In VF you can find many weirdos asking you to get naked, but you can also find people with a great heart and ending up asking yourself... WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU ALL THIS TIME?