I take a lot of pictures of myself. For example my Facebook displays pictures very often.
Many people think I am one of those girls who know they are pretty and call themselves ugly so the other people will be like "oh no, but you are so beautiful"
I don't think I am.
And when I look at the mirror, I hate what I see.
But I take pictures of myself, so I can force myself to see who I am, and that very most likely I am not the disgusting monster I see reflected.
Lately, many people have noticed that I have marks on my body.
Yes, I am a self harmer.
But somehow, when I look at my scars, I am not disgusted by them. I think they are the most beautiful thing I have about me. They are unique.
Maybe one day, I will learn to see that pretty girl that others see.
And if you feel ugly, I assure you, you're not.
Someone out there probably thinks you're the prettiest thing there is in the world.
I never thought I'd meet another person whom looks at the scars they themselves had inflicted, as a good thing? It's a strange feeling isn't it? To appreciate what you've done to yourself? I know I wear my scars like badges so I have no shame about them whatsoever.
Why is it so difficult for me not to die out of stress???????
I have to work 6 days a week 11 hours a day because I need to pay for my living and at the same time be able to have some entertainment. And I refused to stay one more year in this country without having a decent vacation so I emptied my savings, bought a flight ticket to Denmark (where I will start my little Scandinavian trip this time), now I wonder if this all is worth the stress I'm living..... bahhhh yes it is! Of course it is.
Why couldn't I fall in love with a closer place like the states?
I hate when people come up with stuff like "omg but stop working so much". Sure, they live with their parents. Nothing against the lucky people who have a family, but they of course don't understand that I am 100% on my own. No one supports me for anything since a good time ago, and I never tell anyone my shit because I don't want to show vulnerability so I can believe myself that I am strong.
Because for me, it is hard to believe I am worth something.
And I fight everyday against myself.
I only needed to rant today. I have had a huge nervous breakdown a few hours ago, at work. How pathetic I feel having to lock myself in some fucking bathroom and cry my eyes out as quietly as possible so no one hears and then coming out, wipe my fucking mess of a face and put on a smile again.
I tried to talk to someone.
Then I realized, I trust no one.
I have never felt this lonely in my life. But it doesn't even hurts.
That's how numb I feel.