So, looking back it's almost a year ago since I posted a journal on here. It doesn't surprise me, I rarely use this site anymore and hardly ever respond to comments or messages, let alone feel the need to update my journal with my life story. But I actually think it's something I have an urge to do, even more so having read the last entry and realising how much has changed in the past year...
So, yes I passed my degree at the end of the summer which gave me a Masters in Global Criminology.
I decided that I liked living in the Netherlands so much so that I wanted to live here permanently, even after the degree had ended, but in order to do so, I needed a job...a good job. I also needed a job quick as the rent of my apartment was coming to an end and it was a case of booking the ferry back to the UK, or live on a friend's sofa for a few months until my money ran out and then booking the ferry.
Whether lady luck was on my side or I was just in the right place at the right time is still something I ponder every now and again, but I managed to land a job, a good job...quickly! Meaning my hopes of staying in the Netherlands just became real. I found a new place to live, started a new job and finished a Master's thesis all in the space of last summer. Now, to say that this was a stressful time would be an understatement; I must have truly wanted it badly, because the stress levels of that summer near enough killed me off. With all the shitty things which come with making such decisions: deposits, rental agents, tax, insurance, contracts, security checks, switching bank accounts, registering with the gemeente/ new doctor/ dentist blah blah. Ugh.
But I did it. And I'm glad I did it. Regardless of whether I reduced my life expectancy by about 10 years or not!
Looking back to this time last year, I suppose I could have only dreamed to be here now doing what i'm doing and living how I'm living. With a job which I like, working with people that I like, living in a city that I like, with an ever extending circle of friends who I have met mainly through gigs and the music scene here in the Netherlands, I think I can finally feel like I am "home" here.
The only thing which makes this whole reflective mood a bitter-sweet one is that this time last year I was looking forward to seeing a very special person. I would travel to Eindhoven to see him and spend weekends there. I used to get butterflies when I was on the train, smile like a fool whenever we'd text and feel completely and utterly comfortable in his company.
This special person was Selim.
Selim was someone who I had met in London the year or so before after The Devil's Blood played in Camden, and I knew from first meeting him that he was going to have some involvement in my life, or at least, I hoped our paths would somehow cross again, because he was THAT sort of spirit. It only took one meeting with him to know there was a deep-rooted spark somewhere. A spark of interest, intrigue, attraction, admiration and curiosity. I had no idea how or when though.
I am pleased to say our paths would cross again, in a more profound way than I could have ever imagined.
He made me laugh with silly humour or sayings, made me feel comforable in my own skin by just being himself: care-free, liberal-minded, not giving a fuck what others think (his house was like a perfect paradigm for a "do what thou wilt" ethos haha sex, drugs and rock n roll!). He made me contemplate and mentally explore my own philosophies on life, death and all that's in between. He enlightened me creatively by sharing his tastes in music, art, film and literature, as well as intellectually by telling me stories and sharing his experiences, or reciting things he had read or heard. He was also a passionate lover; he had this very wild, intoxicating fire to him, but he also was very intuitive and instinctual at the same time.
It is quite a powerful feeling to have so many levels of connection with a person and to be drawn to them across the spectrum of existence: physically, mentally, spiritually, sexually, emotionally, intellectually and creatively.
Selim made the transition between this world and the next last month.
He ended his life on March 4th.
I suppose with such a powerful spirit raging inside, it became too restless in this world of constant restraint. He needed to go. He wanted to go. And so he did.
I can't really verbalise how I felt when I heard. A little part of me, perhaps somewhere deep inside my brain, the "rational/ logical voice", knew this day would come eventually and that it wasn't really a matter of "if", but "when". And there was another little piece of me, perhaps in my "soul" or in the fibers of my skin, which knew it was for the best, it was the only way for such a spirit, and that being here on this earth was never going to fulfill him or allow him to be free. But there was also my heart; the "irrational/ emotive voice" which felt like it had been crushed, dropped to the bottom of my stomach and left aching and broken. I can truly say I think I know what it feels like to actually have your heart ache.
I was restless beyond anything I'd experienced before for the first few days. My eyes were puffed up and stung from the tears, my head was pounding from tension, lack of sleep and over-thinking. I couldn't focus on anything, work was impossible and the wallowing feeling of my own self-destruction/ neglect was overwhelming.
I gained a massive comfort from saying a proper good-bye to him at the funeral home. Seeing him, being able to sit with him for a while and hold his hand was comforting. The funeral was beautiful, I think he would have approved, apart from all the tears maybe! It was moving to see so many people there; family, friends, band members. The sun shone and the drinks went on til late.
I miss him so much. I think of him every day. I know it will become easier as time goes on, and that is one thing which is for certain: time goes on. My world came to a shattering halt, but the world...time and space, continues. It gives me comfort knowing that he chose this for himself, and that in the time he did spend on this earth, he touched so many people with some of the most beautiful, meaningful and inspiring music I have ever heard. And the music is immortal.
The big Selim-marked imprint which he has left on my life will never go away. The memories will stay forever. And for that I am truly thankful and grateful that I got to experience a little piece of such a special spirit.
I'm sorry for your loss. I never knew the guy personally, though I know people who were at some point in time ver close to him, but I'm sure the world has lost a great, if somewhat excentric thinker and a whole lot of creativity. Yet, I'm also positive time heals all wounds and you'll always have your intimate memories to reminisce by. And hope you'll do well and you thrive in the land of awful beer and arrogant fuckers.
I don't know if most of you know.. but my mother has cancer...
Id just like to let my vf friends that I am terribly sorry I haven't kept in touch.
Recently went to the doctors and found out that my mother isn't looking good at all.
Doctors say she doesn't have much time but things COULD turn around.. but its not a for sure thing.
So now, I say im sorry to those I haven't kept in contact with.. Dealing with a lot of stress at the moment..
So... again i'm not here much... some updates...
I got rhinobronchitis and i'm currently sick again, my health is poor, that doesn't suprise me.
I'm in a bunch of stressful situation, but there's no point on complaining... i got depressed again as result. It's so easy lately...
Also i've not been paid at work in a month and a half, debts increasing so i'm lucky if i get a meal every day, usually i get some leftovers at night at my mother's house, eating nothing but water or tea the rest of the day, when i'm not sick i'm doing some excersise every morning so i was starting to recover my old strenght. My computer at home died, so i only get on at the phone or at work... what else...
I guess that's all, also i have my first t-shirt produced, now aviable worldwide :P and i'm working already on the next ones.
Something have to turn right, and i can't stop moving... only the dead remain still...