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Ekibyougami
Over a year... Still, I hold that anger...
January 31, 2015, 01:58:am
Over a year since my last entry, some things, perhaps many, have changed. A lot of emotional stress has gone. I've lost friends, gained a couple more... Done things I shouldn't have but helped others in the process. I've given up the ghosts that haunted me, for something new. Something that took work, and after a year and a half, I can call her mine... The distance is poison for us, it makes us sick, and yearn for the cure... Ten days and she will be here... I love her, but I can't say that... She is trying not to love me, she's afraid... If I love her, she will run... We're wounded, both of us... She has the means to heal me, but... I don't know that I can do the same for her... She tells me I've treated her better than any man, and I intend to continue that. I'm not one to play light on affection for those I care about...

Work is hell. My health is heading downhill fast... Yeah, I know, look at me. I'm a martial artist that continues to amaze people. I'm deadly, fast, and aggressive, but I'm probably dying faster than most of you... My job, is the first reason. Being raised around what I do for a living now, is the second reason... I belong to the desert, less moisture, less mold... Another reason. I've been training more and more since a year ago, this is good. I hope...

Back in March, I found a dead spot. A moment of solace... I was clean in my mind, I could drink casually, without shutting down my emotions daily... This woman came back around may, and things were weird, but fine. In June, I fucked it all up. I was still spiteful, I didn't know, or care... That she still cared... It took me months to fix that, because her best friend would hold no secrets. It sounds like I would have held that secret, but her friend would rather tell her than I... Well it worked, she and I have something, but they aren't friends... I have guilt, this time... I do. I've done a lot of shit... Hearing her cry was somehow worse than any other woman... I was desperate to have her still, but all seemed lost... A couple months before I'd see her a ghost would appear, this ghost I saw from time to time as I was still friends with her... Come to find out, her goal was to keep me around. She felt she made a mistake, and she wanted us to be together again... How much I wanted that is indescribable... But two years too late... My best friend, a woman that could have any man in the world, whose beauty was captivating to so many I knew... A woman I once loved... And I told her no. I had a goal, for someone I believed I could trust, and love... And be loved back with that honesty I wanted... IT still hurts some, knowing she still wants this... But I have dealt with enough pain from her... We love each other, and make great friends, despite her "white" lies... I wish my girlfriend wasn't so jealous... They'd be good friends considering our similarities...

Today... Well, Wednesday... I had a rather unfortunate reminder... That ghost so white and pure that I'd burn it to see if it was more volatile than the rest... Pure Naphtha, Nitrocellulose maybe... Tonight was the moment I remembered how much I wanted to see that burning. I have the skill, means, and understanding of what it would take to ruin someones life so dearly... But I want more than sadistic pleasure, I'm passed that... I can garner that from any Masochistic sub I want... I've done it before... Of course, now I have someone... Where do I trickle this rage? How does one solve a decade old problem, without anothers pain, suffering, or fear? Truth be told, I don't know. I've lost this..... War? I don't know. Sun Tzu spoke of deception, so I assume this WAS a war. Worse than that, I've lost myself... I've done what I've been told to avoid... This primal part of me I was brought to express is throwing me in the direction of my petty thug cousins and uncles. I'm not as tribal, but personal... Charles Manson said: "You can do anything you want to me, doesn't that give me equal right?"...

Have you ever killed something you loved? Not likely. Pets... They get sick. It sucks, it hurts, and knowing you did it before nature always leaves questions... But you do it. I am by no means a sociopath, I have no intention to hurt anyone, harass anyone, or stalk anyone. I'm still happy, and I'm doing this to show that despite the evil, hate, and rage I hold inside, I am coping peacefully.

Mood: Whatever life offers...
Music: New Ghost Brigade

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