Nothing in life matters. It really doesn't. I've always been good at not caring about a lot of things. The only thing I can really ever keep coming back to is anger... I am good at it, but sometimes being good at it is bad... I can't help my thoughts. Hatred, anger, murder... It's always there. These thoughts just appear. Well, other thoughts bring them about, but where I want to take the anger out, is situational. Ever drive by a transient and wonder, "would anyone find out"?
I spent hours dwelling on this thought. It isn't healthy, it isn't normal. But it's always there. Look at someone you care about, someone you love. Could you look at them and think, "I will always love them, no matter what"?
Take that person, then try to find a reason to want to nail them to a cross, out of spite and anger. You wouldn't find a reason, because a normal person should not think that way. It's not "right". It's not right to wonder what their tears taste like. It's wrong to want to know the taste of their blood. It's inhuman to wonder what joy their suffering would bring...
I think these things. It's harder some days, and I sedate myself when I can... But when I can't concentrate on something, sedate myself, or let things rest in my mind... I want to tear through something living, and I want to feel the release of killing with my hands...
I guess it's a good thing I can control my body, even when my mind is torturing me...
Mood: I am death, incarnate... Worship me. Music: Ghost Brigade
Obsession/My mind hates me/Things I've been considering
November 15, 2013, 01:47:am
It doesn't matter if I have an interest, I still have this obsession. I'm not sure of the literal definition of obsession, but I'm positive it's impossible to describe the true feeling. Years, about ten... Ten years of this one person. I've gone years not speaking to her, but she still appears in my dreams. The amount of pain, sorrow, and hangovers I've dealt with from her. She is why I drink. She is why I do not sleep. She is why I've wanted to live in pain and refuse to die. It's stupid. The lies, the things I wasn't told, mostly what I wasn't told. She's good at that. I'm too good at being honest. I'm me, I'm passionate, I hate with as much passion as I love... Sadly, I prefer to hate, so when I love... It means something. I say she never cared, but that's spite and paranoia. Of course she cares, she wants to shield me from all my pain. Hilarious, to me... But then, I'm masochistic, almost as much as I am a Sadist. I have a desire to make her suffer, I want her to feel my pain, all of it. Years of this shit, all at once. I know what pain she's felt, and I want to kill that man... But I want to kill her fiance. It's all I think about. Jealousy? Yes, sure. But mostly pain. She deserves to suffer and know the one she loves will never be hers, to feel that it was possible, that life would grant her this happiness. But take it away, permanently. There is not a single way to truly describe despair. I should know. Guilt, she will feel it. She certainly does, I'm sure of it. But that's just... Not enough. In the end, who am I to say what she deserves? It's MY fault I care, I'm obsessed, and I am angry.
She was always the Yin to my Yang. The good girl, I was the criminal, violent and wild. The Christian, while I hated the religion, but it ever stood between us. I wanted a family, kids... She didn't. We spoke of these things, but it was never important in what we were truly saying. In the end, her suffering will lead her back to me. If she doesn't hate me, she needs my love. If he dies, she goes to another. I'm not sure why, but there's a part of me that says she doesn't deserve me, but I know I really don't deserve her. She deserves to be happy, to live the life she desires. I deserve exactly what I get, Kharma seems to remind me of this. I have other interests, but I am sure I don't deserve any of them. I guess that what obsession leads to is searching for another thing to obsess over. But no one truly wants someone to be obsessed, that's clingy and bothersome... I don't obsess that way, my mind simply destroys itself with logic that defies emotions and it leads me into insanity that causes relationships to end. I'm fucked. My mind hates me, it literally hates me. It tells me things I don't want to hear. It gives me ideas I don't want to tell people. But it's also brilliant. I excel at what I love to do, because my mind is violent, ever moving, always adapting, always countering. Imagine emotions fighting an enemy that specializes in fighting... It's not pretty.
I leave with this:
I never wanted to live, it just happened.
The only true god is death, it decides what we do, what we desire, and how we live.
How we live decides our death, all things move in circles.
If you can't learn to kill the things inside, they thrive. When they thrive, they become demons. When those demons thrive, they possess your being.
Love, mistrust, despair, and anger are all demons that wish to possess you.
It's not what people do to hurt you, it's what they do that you allow to hurt you. If it's not worth the pain, then they aren't worth it. I wish I could stop loving her, but it hasn't happened.
Blame doesn't work. She made me who I am, yes... Because without her, I was either going to prison or I'd be found dead. The fucked up shit I've seen, and done... Only she knows. But I can't blame her for this shit, it's MY fucked up mind. It's my emotional attachment I can't control. It's my regret for leaving her in the first place... It's my burden to bear, but it's heavy and I've almost reached the bottom...
Mood: Read it, guess, you'll be wrong. Music: Five Bolt Main - The Gift