I'm not a model person by any means, I understand that. I've been drinking again, big fucking surprise. Being an alcoholic is not not what I imagined at this point in my life, but fuck it, I'm a fuck up. That's what this entry is about.
I sit here, and I make comments about things that people do to feel better that piss me off. I do it a lot. Hypocrite? Yes, yes I fucking am. People don't deserve an escape from the reality they need to address and fix. I do it, everyone does. I hate drugs, I hate pills, I hate it when people rely on alcohol to feel better and especially when ones life is based on it. Even weed. Yes, the "innocent" weed. But here's the thing, I've done it. Not just booze, weed, pills too. Alcohol is a given, even though most people like my drunken ramblings. I hate it, it shows weakness. I hate being weak. When my ex left me, I had a back injury that was so severe it hurt to walk. I had started taking pills. Well, booze and pills helped a lot. Especially mixed. Xanax, Vicoden, Tramadol, Oxycodone, Norco, and Flexeril. And also a lot of booze. It didn't matter what I took, as long as I didn't fucking feel anything. I started smoking again, at that time. Why? It felt numbing. I thought, fuck it, why should I be in pain on both ends of the spectrum? I won't say I don't feel guilty for it, because I do.
I'm still in pain, I'm still a fuck up. I fuck up everything I do, every relationship, and all it does is fuck with me. Why do I feel guilt for it? Aside from the fact that it IS my fault. I guess a fear of happiness means I'll find a reason to question how long it will last. This makes me of course fuck up by questioning my partner until I drive them off. This is why I hate myself, this is why I have become so fucking self destructive. I want to feel pain, be sick, hate my life even more at that moment just because the short times I feel happy will mean that much more. Happy? More like content. Being happy means too much, I don't know I can handle it. Mostly because I've never had that for too long, and I am afraid of how it ends, knowing it will end. I suppose I end it, on accident, with that fear... I deserve to suffer.
I admit, I'm not often lonely. I really do have no issue being alone, left to my own devices. If I had my knife shop set up, I'd likely never leave it unless I had work or drank too much to be handling power tools and sharp things. Well, I'm always playing with sharp things, drunk or not. Anyway, I'm feeling lonely. As much as I enjoy being alone, I'm a Raven. I need a mate, someone who is solitary yet loyal and mine. I've realized I don't know many people that have the capacity to be devoted to anything longer than an hour. Then again, I don't know many people, being a solitary person and all. I've considered actually looking online, locally, but I'd feel like such a fucking idiot doing it. I wouldn't say it's degrading, but I have to wonder what a person is like to need to use a dating service/ad. Desperate? But what does that make me? I'd like to think I'm not desperate, and I suppose I could reasonably try harder with the few women I know... I just, well, I'm a pessimist. I figure, what's the point? I fuck up everything good, and when things go bad I turn spiteful and revel in anger and pain. Honestly, I can't believe I'm sober and writing this, my journal doesn't have a single sober post, as far as I remember...
tl;dr: Depressed, lonely, bored, and apparently sober... For now.
lol, I've done the online thing once or twice... But never through an actual you know, method of LOOKING/advertising. I just don't know that I could ever do it. I don't have much of an interest in going to shows. Makes me wonder if I'd be too fucking boring to keep someone around anyway, lol.
So, in the last two weeks my ex has made it apparent that she misses the sex, and miss me. A lot. She should know better than to feed my ego. I'm not surprised she misses the sex, from the sound of it the last couple guys she dated were boring rednecks who thought they were cool shit. I'm an odd, and very kinky, mate. So is she. So, I have to wonder, why bother with these guys that she wastes her time with when she knows I'm here? It's painfully obvious the one guy couldn't last five minutes, and the other was so boring she pointed out she missed the kinky shit OPENLY on Facebook. I mean, seriously?
That was amusing. The curious part of me wonders, and trying to get away from the arrogance, why would a girl who runs a martial arts school suddenly act shy and quiet when I go to shake her hand? Our school stopped in for an open sparring night at another local school, because we like to see the competition in action. She had no problem talking to me or my instructor but when I asked for her name and held my hand out to shake, she suddenly got shy and giggly. Same thing happened again when I thanked her for having us over. Mind you, she's a gorgeous hispanic girl I wouldn't mind sparring... Giggity?
Mood: Drinking. Or, was. And bloodthirsty. VIOLENCE! Music: None. Watching Ong Bak 2. VIOLENCE!
I've never spent a day without thinking of friends I've lost. Not just those who have escaped life, but those who meant so much, but I can't find. Those who deserved better from me. I think I'm having a panic attack again, and this is all I can do. The pain of remembering it all, years ago and up until now. The people who I cared so much about, I hurt the most. They are lost to me, and I can't change that. I'm finding this to be a moment of weakness, but for fucks sake, I've been holding this in for years. I hardly have anyone now, and it's my fault. I've closed myself off. But I'd gladly do anything to talk to them again. I have a cross carved, then burned into my skin for one. Another will never leave my mind for the sheer anger I felt for her father. Two more were such amazing friends, so very smart and caring they make me wish I'd had them around through the last five fucked up years. Tonight I just want to burn, bleed, drink, and hit anything I can. I have only two people left from those times, and one of them is my ex. I never want to see her, I fight the urge every night to kill her new boyfriend. She doesn't know half of what I think, what my mind screams. The other, I want to save. I love her so very much, along with her beautiful daughter. I want to take her away from her mother, from the life she's been living. The drugs, the people, and the synthetic happiness she finds. I'm powerless, yet so fucking powerful. I've made my point where it has needed to be made, the only other thing I can do is hope. I follow no lies of prayer, witchcraft, or wishes. I know all one can do is take action, stand up and show the truth that needs to be said, or hope the best for those who I can do nothing else for. If you read this far, I'm impressed.
For those who've passed on, I wish you well on your path. You've achieved something I fear I will never achieve, Peace. I get this one chance, and all I feel is anger, hatred, and regret.
Mood: Not sure, entirely. Music: Poisonblack - Love Controlled Despair
There's this amazingly gorgeous friend that I've had a thing for, for years. We hardly talk it seems, but when we do it's always great. We always flirt, she makes it obvious how much she finds me attractive, and I do the same to her. But there's this stupid side of me that is too afraid to ask her out. I mean, there's the logical side of me that says it's not a good time, seeing as I'm poor, not working, and still reasonably insane. The illogical side of me says she's out of my league, and wouldn't waste her time with me, especially because of some slight differences in music tastes. Also, looking at her exes, I'm not the kind of guy she'd like. I have no friends, she has many. There's also the chance that a student in our Kung Fu school may have dated her, I'm not sure yet but I have a rule about dating the ex of a friend.
So, I have to wonder, am I finding excuses to not ask her, or am I just scared? Mind you, there's not much I've ever been afraid of, especially when it comes to being honest. That's how I usually lose girlfriends, which is another reason why I think I shouldn't bother.
This frustrates me greatly.
Mood: Meh. Music: Zerospace - Send Me an Angel (Nothing she'd like, lol)
I usually AM drunk. I hate being sober. I swear, if I can't be happy with a woman, I may as well be happy with booze... Though, since I can't have either, I'm going to be angry. An turn green. And possibly smash things.
I hate you for hurting me
I hate you for always being there
I hate you because I can’t go free
I hate you because you’re inside my head…
I guess it’s just me
I guess it’s you
I just wish you could see
I didn’t mean this, certainly not for you…
But what do I believe?
All I know for sure is I care
You did, but decided to leave
All because I was scared
I was scared, and now I’m terrified
I hate me, I hate you
I wish this hate wasn’t true
I just can’t watch this anymore
I guess I’ll hit the floor.
I guess I’ll watch from there.
I hate you, I hate me
Why couldn’t I stop this?
I couldn’t stop myself
The thoughts I cant keep
Can I stop from doing it?
Can I fucking control myself?
These thoughts don’t stop
This pain won’t stop
This hate, it bleeds
The anger, it breeds
I didn’t want to be here again
Here I go again, here I go again
I’ve lost it all over again
I’m insane again, again I’m insane
I’m just not perfect, with all these blood stains…
Mood: Hurting, in more ways than one... Music: Coal Chamber - El Cu Cuy (Kill the man, become the Monster)
I thought I had learned a lot about life, love, and relationships in my short existence. I guess I was wrong. I can't stop thinking, analyzing, trying to understand why someone I've known for almost ten years, and loved so dearly would just leave me... I understand the way I was acting was wrong, but so were her actions. Everything was fine, until she decided to forget me and focus on her partying. While we were together I had never been so happy. I had never wanted to make someone happy like I did her. She meant more than most people ever have, and I had her, of course I did everything to not lose her. But I did, and now she's off with someone else, I'm sure. She does nothing but party, go to the river, and run off to the coast. Maybe I'm too simple a man, my ways to happiness are narrow, and I'm content with the little things. For her I'd gladly be social, I'd have loved to spend time with her friends and family. Apparently I couldn't. I tried, and that didn't work. I was proud to be with her, not just to say she was mine, but to say I had finally found happiness without emptying a bottle. Now I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed to be such a fool, to believe it would work, to believe I could be happy. Now that bottle is all that keeps the demon inside. I don't believe in such creatures, but a strong enough emotion, or lack of, is enough to be called a demon. Every part of me screams to let the person die, "Kill the man, become the monster." I guess the point of this was to understand that right or wrong, it means nothing. If that's not what they want, you mean nothing. Through much of my life I didn't give a fuck, I didn't try, and I honestly avoided all ideas of being with anyone... Now all I wanted was taken by someone who is acting like I used to. I guess she needs to mature? In the ridiculous, small part of my mind known as hope, I know she will come back... The part of my heart that's left, or maybe the imprint that was left from it, says I want to take her back...
The rest of me wonders whether I just want her to hurt, to burn inside, to know the sweetest dreams are nightmares, and if she came crawling back, would I make her beg for forgiveness before making her crawl away?
Mood: Read it, guess. Music: Gojira - L'enfant Sauvage album
Possibly you want both. You want her back, to have that feeling back, but you also want her to feel the pain she caused you. It takes a long time to get over that feeling. She does sound like she has a bit of growing up to do though. Then again, I have a kid, and I am kind of weird about these things, because I'm settled into the responsibilities I am to do, so it sounds childish to me. Just take a break, and be yourself, focus on you, and don't let it drive you to being the monster. You're better than that.
She has two kids... She was the only responsible one in her last relationship. I guess now she wants to fuck off like her ex did... I suppose she didn't see the side of me that actually wanted to help... I never had an issue with helping her with her kid, even offering to babysit if needed.I want her to feel the same way, both the pain and love... I have been a spiteful, evil person in the past... I wonder if I should forget it all...I'm better than that..? I've often wondered who I'm trying to be, the monster, or the one who plays human. More often than not, I find myself pretending to be nice... Those that know me, know how I actually think...
I don't want to sleep, because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to breathe, but I refuse to give up
The more it hurts, the more I want to burn inside
I want the flame to light what I will never hide
Breathe the fire, see the smoke, don't look
Don't be afraid, it was just my heart they took
I lost my own mind, I never had a faith in souls
It's just this body, empty shell, filled with holes
All that's left is the part that won't die,
All that's left is the Demon inside.
I'd rather not care or wonder why,
It chose this shell of mine to hide.
But where did the Angel come from?
Where was she when I was me?
When I gave it all and was left with none.
Is there anything left of me to see?