Nothing in life matters. It really doesn't. I've always been good at not caring about a lot of things. The only thing I can really ever keep coming back to is anger... I am good at it, but sometimes being good at it is bad... I can't help my thoughts. Hatred, anger, murder... It's always there. These thoughts just appear. Well, other thoughts bring them about, but where I want to take the anger out, is situational. Ever drive by a transient and wonder, "would anyone find out"?
I spent hours dwelling on this thought. It isn't healthy, it isn't normal. But it's always there. Look at someone you care about, someone you love. Could you look at them and think, "I will always love them, no matter what"?
Take that person, then try to find a reason to want to nail them to a cross, out of spite and anger. You wouldn't find a reason, because a normal person should not think that way. It's not "right". It's not right to wonder what their tears taste like. It's wrong to want to know the taste of their blood. It's inhuman to wonder what joy their suffering would bring...
I think these things. It's harder some days, and I sedate myself when I can... But when I can't concentrate on something, sedate myself, or let things rest in my mind... I want to tear through something living, and I want to feel the release of killing with my hands...
I guess it's a good thing I can control my body, even when my mind is torturing me...
Mood: I am death, incarnate... Worship me. Music: Ghost Brigade
Obsession/My mind hates me/Things I've been considering
November 15, 2013, 01:47:am
It doesn't matter if I have an interest, I still have this obsession. I'm not sure of the literal definition of obsession, but I'm positive it's impossible to describe the true feeling. Years, about ten... Ten years of this one person. I've gone years not speaking to her, but she still appears in my dreams. The amount of pain, sorrow, and hangovers I've dealt with from her. She is why I drink. She is why I do not sleep. She is why I've wanted to live in pain and refuse to die. It's stupid. The lies, the things I wasn't told, mostly what I wasn't told. She's good at that. I'm too good at being honest. I'm me, I'm passionate, I hate with as much passion as I love... Sadly, I prefer to hate, so when I love... It means something. I say she never cared, but that's spite and paranoia. Of course she cares, she wants to shield me from all my pain. Hilarious, to me... But then, I'm masochistic, almost as much as I am a Sadist. I have a desire to make her suffer, I want her to feel my pain, all of it. Years of this shit, all at once. I know what pain she's felt, and I want to kill that man... But I want to kill her fiance. It's all I think about. Jealousy? Yes, sure. But mostly pain. She deserves to suffer and know the one she loves will never be hers, to feel that it was possible, that life would grant her this happiness. But take it away, permanently. There is not a single way to truly describe despair. I should know. Guilt, she will feel it. She certainly does, I'm sure of it. But that's just... Not enough. In the end, who am I to say what she deserves? It's MY fault I care, I'm obsessed, and I am angry.
She was always the Yin to my Yang. The good girl, I was the criminal, violent and wild. The Christian, while I hated the religion, but it ever stood between us. I wanted a family, kids... She didn't. We spoke of these things, but it was never important in what we were truly saying. In the end, her suffering will lead her back to me. If she doesn't hate me, she needs my love. If he dies, she goes to another. I'm not sure why, but there's a part of me that says she doesn't deserve me, but I know I really don't deserve her. She deserves to be happy, to live the life she desires. I deserve exactly what I get, Kharma seems to remind me of this. I have other interests, but I am sure I don't deserve any of them. I guess that what obsession leads to is searching for another thing to obsess over. But no one truly wants someone to be obsessed, that's clingy and bothersome... I don't obsess that way, my mind simply destroys itself with logic that defies emotions and it leads me into insanity that causes relationships to end. I'm fucked. My mind hates me, it literally hates me. It tells me things I don't want to hear. It gives me ideas I don't want to tell people. But it's also brilliant. I excel at what I love to do, because my mind is violent, ever moving, always adapting, always countering. Imagine emotions fighting an enemy that specializes in fighting... It's not pretty.
I leave with this:
I never wanted to live, it just happened.
The only true god is death, it decides what we do, what we desire, and how we live.
How we live decides our death, all things move in circles.
If you can't learn to kill the things inside, they thrive. When they thrive, they become demons. When those demons thrive, they possess your being.
Love, mistrust, despair, and anger are all demons that wish to possess you.
It's not what people do to hurt you, it's what they do that you allow to hurt you. If it's not worth the pain, then they aren't worth it. I wish I could stop loving her, but it hasn't happened.
Blame doesn't work. She made me who I am, yes... Because without her, I was either going to prison or I'd be found dead. The fucked up shit I've seen, and done... Only she knows. But I can't blame her for this shit, it's MY fucked up mind. It's my emotional attachment I can't control. It's my regret for leaving her in the first place... It's my burden to bear, but it's heavy and I've almost reached the bottom...
Mood: Read it, guess, you'll be wrong. Music: Five Bolt Main - The Gift
I hate my life, I hate my job, I hate my friends, I hate my family, and I hate people. Especially stupid people. I don't understand it. I do everything with the intention of being simple and efficient. I don't buy on impulse. I don't freak out when a petty insect or arachnid is close to me, or on me. I don't understand smoking something that lasts a couple hours but stays in your body preventing you from passing drug tests for real jobs. Why do people waste money on sweets and crap to eat when they can't afford the cigarettes they will inevitably need later? Why does my family want me around them so fucking much? I moved in ACROSS THE DAMN STREET, and finally got my life on track only for them to want me to move to Cali with them, again. Do people not understand that I just want to die drunk, alone, bleeding out from an epic battle that I won.
Why is there so much stupid that I have to deal with? Why can't people do something as fucking simple as follow through with their plans, or anything I take their word on? Why should I make time for people who make no time for me, after flaking out? What the hell makes people so fucking self centered? I wish I had an actual full time job. Then I could literally just not fucking deal with it all. But then, as I've seen, that's not required, because some people are okay with not working at all, or even attempting to. There are dogs that have had more jobs....
There are people in this world that I want gone. Erased. Them and all memories regarding them. There are people that clearly should not breed, and I want to make sure it doesn't happen. And there are people that clearly need to be taught how to think in real life situations to solve problems as simple as need vs. want, or drugs vs. place to live.
I'm angry, spiteful, and hating everything but my beer and tequila right now. I know that no one gives a shit about this rant, but if I posted it anywhere else, people would know who and what I meant. None of this stuff is directed towards any of you, in any manner. You're all more responsible than I am...
I can't sleep. It's 4am and i took a sleeping pill two hours ago and i can't sleep. I feel so awful laying down in my bed at night. I can't help but think about how my life has gone. All the decisions I've made that have led me here to tonight. Am i really the sum of all I've experienced? It seems so tragic. I feel so sick to my stomach all the time. Every day feels so dark to me. When i'm awake i just wish i was asleep. Some days when i open my eyes in the morning i just feel like crying. I'm 25 years old. What have i done with my life? What happened? I used to think i was bettering myself by taking up guitar and taking up singing and doing all these other things and that i was really doing something good for myself back when i was 18 years old. I thought that if i did these things and got good that i would have some sort of self worth but instead I feel the exact opposite. I feel like such a worthless failure. I see everyone on facebook posting about how awesome and amazing their lives are and they seem so happy and things just seem to be working out so well for them. People are losing weight, people are looking so beautiful, people are falling in love, people are getting married, people are having kids, people are graduating college, people are scoring well paying jobs, ect ect. I'm glad for them, i really am happy that life is going so well for all of my friends but what about me? Why does my life seem like such shit? Why do i feel like such a loser? All of my peers are doing so much better than me. I'm overweight, i don't have a well paying job, i don't live on my own and i don't feel like i have much of a future. Things seem so bleak and i fucking hate myself for being the person that i am. I used to brush off that feeling of being so alone in all of this by telling myself, "things will get better just give it time" i used to do this when i was 15 years old but its 10 years later and things aren't better and things don't seem to be GETTING better. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm lonely. I have no idea what to do, who to turn to or how much longer i can take this.
What have i done to myself?
Mood: Awful Music: Chiodos - "To Trixie And Reptile, Thanks For Everything"
You're Gonna Carry That Weight...
October 22, 2013, 09:45:pm
It seems hard, especially if (like myself) your in one of those positions where you're not doing good- but you're not doing bad either. Every day drags on, you feel like you're going nowhere. Relax for a moment, and think. You're only twenty-five, my dear. At wort, you're still less than halfway through life. You have so far ahead of you still to go, so much more growing yet to do. Stop trying to view your life in terms of goals you set, or what youve "done with you life". One day at a time babe
You're Gonna Carry That Weight...
October 23, 2013, 02:17:pm
Any time brodel, we all gotta be reminded some times that the world is really a beautiful place full of wonderful people - however hard the haters try to make us accept the illusion of misery. They just want us to be sad, like them.
I'm not a model person by any means, I understand that. I've been drinking again, big fucking surprise. Being an alcoholic is not not what I imagined at this point in my life, but fuck it, I'm a fuck up. That's what this entry is about.
I sit here, and I make comments about things that people do to feel better that piss me off. I do it a lot. Hypocrite? Yes, yes I fucking am. People don't deserve an escape from the reality they need to address and fix. I do it, everyone does. I hate drugs, I hate pills, I hate it when people rely on alcohol to feel better and especially when ones life is based on it. Even weed. Yes, the "innocent" weed. But here's the thing, I've done it. Not just booze, weed, pills too. Alcohol is a given, even though most people like my drunken ramblings. I hate it, it shows weakness. I hate being weak. When my ex left me, I had a back injury that was so severe it hurt to walk. I had started taking pills. Well, booze and pills helped a lot. Especially mixed. Xanax, Vicoden, Tramadol, Oxycodone, Norco, and Flexeril. And also a lot of booze. It didn't matter what I took, as long as I didn't fucking feel anything. I started smoking again, at that time. Why? It felt numbing. I thought, fuck it, why should I be in pain on both ends of the spectrum? I won't say I don't feel guilty for it, because I do.
I'm still in pain, I'm still a fuck up. I fuck up everything I do, every relationship, and all it does is fuck with me. Why do I feel guilt for it? Aside from the fact that it IS my fault. I guess a fear of happiness means I'll find a reason to question how long it will last. This makes me of course fuck up by questioning my partner until I drive them off. This is why I hate myself, this is why I have become so fucking self destructive. I want to feel pain, be sick, hate my life even more at that moment just because the short times I feel happy will mean that much more. Happy? More like content. Being happy means too much, I don't know I can handle it. Mostly because I've never had that for too long, and I am afraid of how it ends, knowing it will end. I suppose I end it, on accident, with that fear... I deserve to suffer.
I admit, I'm not often lonely. I really do have no issue being alone, left to my own devices. If I had my knife shop set up, I'd likely never leave it unless I had work or drank too much to be handling power tools and sharp things. Well, I'm always playing with sharp things, drunk or not. Anyway, I'm feeling lonely. As much as I enjoy being alone, I'm a Raven. I need a mate, someone who is solitary yet loyal and mine. I've realized I don't know many people that have the capacity to be devoted to anything longer than an hour. Then again, I don't know many people, being a solitary person and all. I've considered actually looking online, locally, but I'd feel like such a fucking idiot doing it. I wouldn't say it's degrading, but I have to wonder what a person is like to need to use a dating service/ad. Desperate? But what does that make me? I'd like to think I'm not desperate, and I suppose I could reasonably try harder with the few women I know... I just, well, I'm a pessimist. I figure, what's the point? I fuck up everything good, and when things go bad I turn spiteful and revel in anger and pain. Honestly, I can't believe I'm sober and writing this, my journal doesn't have a single sober post, as far as I remember...
tl;dr: Depressed, lonely, bored, and apparently sober... For now.
Bleh, this shit again...
December 15, 2012, 11:58:pm
lol, I've done the online thing once or twice... But never through an actual you know, method of LOOKING/advertising. I just don't know that I could ever do it. I don't have much of an interest in going to shows. Makes me wonder if I'd be too fucking boring to keep someone around anyway, lol.