to know that I have an unhealthy obsession with collecting notebooks/journals/etc…
… and most of the time, they remain blank.
Something about those blank pages; something about the endless possibilities of the words and memories and stories and emotions that they can be filled with. Apart of me is almost afraid to touch these pages - afraid of tainting them with anything unworthy of their pale, virgin beauty.
It says you have Writer's anxiety. You really wanna write an awesome story, but you feel discouraged by your abilities because you think nothing you write will be remotely comparable to that of the great books you've read. It's one of the causes of Writer's Block. I had to deal with it too before I could start writing. And now my box full of notebooks is finally becoming a box full of manuscripts.
you think nothing you write will be remotely comparable to that of the great books you've read.More like being afraid that anything I write will never be comparable to how I feel in the moment of it's happening.And Dez... I love pens.
"So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...
I can be your whore
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your whore
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for..."
Disclaimer:
I'm going to get a lot of shit for this journal entry. So, prepare yourself, James. I know you're not going to like it. But it is through my written word and my written word alone that I am completely honest with myself. I wouldn't normally share this publicly, but... in a way, I'm so mentally exhausted from hiding how I truly feel.
I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I’ve truly experienced the feeling of “loneliness”. For the better part of my life I’ve been surrounded by those who truly care for me - who make it a part of their daily life to remind me just how much I mean to them. A true blessing, really. Everything I ever asked for in my childhood. However, I feel as though over time I’ve come to take advantage of this blessing.
I had never really stopped to appreciate what it meant to have those people in my life; to reflect for a moment on the true meaning of their words and actions when they felt the need to beckon my company. For years I just sort of drifted between the presence of loved ones, filling my life with social gatherings and aimless adventures to pass the days. Never once did I even have the CHANCE to be lonely.
Of course this is all completely contradicting to my introverted lifestyle. Yes I love to socialize and surround myself with people, but deep down I am and always have been an introspective, introverted shut-in. At least mentally. However, that’s where none of this makes sense.
In these recent days I’ve come to face a depression unlike any I’ve experienced. Not worse, just… different. An ache, a pull, a magnetic heaviness in the very core of myself from something I’ve never been pried away from. The term homesickness is exhausted - it’s been 5 months. I don’t look foreword to waiting at least a year for this to pass. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I know it won’t.
It is in these days that a feeling envelops me in an obsessive, mind-numbing experience that I’m completely unprepared for. “Lonely,” I would hear others say. “I’m lonely.” I would think to myself, always, “What does that mean? What does that feel like? To be ‘lonely’?” There was always a boyfriend. I was never single. There were always friends. I was never lonely. I would mistake this feeling for my anti-social, distant spurts I would find myself in - being mentally apart from a conversation, an event, an experience. Perhaps that was my subconscious attempt to experience this “loneliness” and know what it is like to truly appreciate the company of a good friend, a lover, and even a stranger with a story and a good drink.
But not today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow. I am beside myself in thinking that this is anything but lonely. Where I am surrounded by someone at all times - at work, at home, in the arms of my boyfriend - I am truly lonely. I am without. I am wanting. I am missing, and I’ve been ripped apart from everything I always took for granted.
I am lonely. In this room, in this house, in this city and in this state of being. Truly, and utterly, lonely.
Mood: Not drinking fast enough. Music: "Silence" by Delerium
Jenn, I always advise people to keep busy and happy, or at least to keep busy. Sometimes when you keep busy you forget that you are not happy. Best summer wishes.I can definitely see what you're saying, and I appreciate the advice. I can confirm that this "works", but I can't say that it "helps". Life is too short to fill it with things to make us forget how unhappy we truly are. Why not fill it with things that remind us everyday that we truly are happy?
I can only be me and love you as much as I always have and always will. If that isn't enough for you, for your own happiness, I can't do anything to change that. I offered you my heart, and it has since belonged only to you. I have been there for you through good, bad, and the very painful. I have helped you whenever you asked, and some times when you didn't, but I knew you needed it, and had too much pride to ask. I have loved you, forgiven you, and stood by you no matter what has happened.
It's a "sex" cult. Not too active, but a cult of that nature none the less. I joined the cult a few months back out of boredom, and later on to help a couple friends with staff duties. I made it very clear that it was the first cult I had ever joined that was sexual in nature, as that's just not my style, but I stuck around to help out with activity and what not.
I made several posts about how I was in a long term, serious relationship, so I wouldn't participate in some of the activities in there. I made it perfectly fucking clear. But, I understand that posting in a game thread "Fuck or Pass" is flirtatious and not how someone should act if they're in the type of relationship that I'm in. Regardless of others who do it. Regardless of it's innocence. Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't ACTUALLY fuck those guys. For fuck's sake.
He's pissed. I'm upset. It's not fucking worth this bullshit.
So now I'll just continue to sit here and just feel... idk. But it's shitty.
So we have one of these in my cult Fetish.
You can write anything you want.
It's 110% ANONYMOUS.
You can say whatever just be honest.
And PLEASE no "trolling"! (: Clicky
If you're online..
Please talk to me.
I can't stop crying..
I just...
I need him and it hurts so much that he's so far away..
He was right here yesterday and now he's gone..
I hate this fucking distance..
I'm so fucking alone and anxious..
Do you ever realize how fast time moves?
I just realized today that most of my anxiety comes from that realization.
I want time to slow the fuck down.
For example,
I've been in Florida this week and its gone so fast.
I'll be 17 this month and I already feel like I'm having a midlife crisis...
What's wrong with me?
Yeah time does fly. Yes you are young and you have decades and decades of life, Try and remember than you're only 17 and you could live till you're like... 70. That's over 50 years. Feel sorry for people in their 50's.
. I hope things will get better between you two! 
