Holy shit Im freaking out here. It seems the only way to help my little bandit is to have more money. But I dont have any and I dont know what the fuck to do. Im fighting a panic attack thats been threatening to consume me since 11 this morning. How the hell will we make it to the morning???
We'be both been denied for it because our current credit card is maxed out. We might have enough to take him to the vet tomorrow, but after that is hopeless. I might even have to consider givig him up for someone else to adopt. Someone who can afford it. I feel so miserable because I cant get him the help he needs. This is like so intense that I dont know how to cope.
It is intriguing how you can go from content to numb in a matter of seconds.
When we are growing in the womb, we are surround by fluid. Some are born in water and others born in a typical sterile environment. But I feel it is not uncommon to find solace in water. In my case it is my salvation.
As a child, I was born near the ocean. The ocean was my best friend and I always went. Pools and bathtubs were too. My mother could not keep me out of the water and she finally gave me lessons when I was three. I was always the first in and the last out. When I was in it, I felt like another person. Free and peaceful. Like nothing could harm me or touch me while I was under. I just let the water move me, not wanting to be in control for that brief moment.
As I grew, I used pools and the ocean as not just a past time, but as my personal time. To literally do nothing and feel weightless is what I love about it. But as I became and adult I noticed that I actually used this as a coping mechanism in my mind too. When anxiety or panic attacks happen, I'd let it run its course and sit, knees to my chest and just picture a porcelain white tube and me underneath the water. My eyes closed and laying there. It keeps me calm and brings me back from the places I'd rather not speak of.
But today I actually got into the tub again, which its been years since I have literally done it. I sat on the toilet and watched the water slowly rise. I got in and placed my back flat against cool bottom and submerged myself completely. All I wanted was that the quiet. That undeniable brain numbing quiet. I did not want to think or ponder. I just listened to my heart beat as it drummed powerfully in my ears. Feeling it pound against my rib cage begging for oxygen. And I laid there, coming up every so often until the water exposed my nose and just listened to the valves of my heart open and close. I needed that moment, just to stop the crying. The crying was for no purpose as I think about it now. For a reason that I should already know the outcome for. Yet, I still cry, because it feels like the only way my heart can figuratively yell.
There is nothing wrong, that I have not already dealt with. I just needed a moment of sheer peace. To feel like that little girl again who didn't have a worry.
Mood: Indifferent Music: The sound of my beer sloshing in its can
Very fit, toned
Long light brown hair
Dark brown eyes
Both ears pierced, cartilage on left. Nipples pierced. Tattoo of Cleopatra on her right shoulder blade. Roses on her left thigh. Leopard print on her right hip, just solid black.
Owner of a go-go night club, "Club Rouse". Drug lord.
Personality Powerful. Strong. Confident.
Rue is a force to be reckoned with. She is sheer will power, she is determined. Rue is a born leader, and ever since she was of age, she has set her path to be a leader.Granted her morals aren't always pure, but they always look out for number one. Isn't that what is important in life? Rue respects herself, and knows herself very well. Although she is good to herself, that doesn't mean she's ever really looking out for anyone else or their feelings. The only people she seems to care about are her dancers, and ironically, prostitutes. She tries to recruit young prostitutes to be go go dancers to try and get them off the streets. To her dancers, she's a mama bear if they are being harassed. She's quick to ban people and sick the security team on men who get too handsy or close to her dancers. Brave. Independent. Collected.
Rue was brought up by a single mom who struggled, a lot. It wasn't until she was older that she realized just how much her mom struggled, and why she had so many boyfriends. It was a hard pill for her to swallow, but it also taught her a very valuable lesson- money makes the world go round. Her mother never seemed to have enough to make their world turn, and she vowed to herself she would never struggle like she did. And she would never ever degrade herself by pimping herself out. Rue loved her mother, but felt as though her mother would never love herself because she was a prostitute. She tried her hardest to love her enough for the both of them, but the older she got, the more disappointed she became with her mothers "career" choices.
When Rue graduated from high school, she wanted to go off to college- she wanted to major in business. But, her mother became ill with Parkinson's. Being a devoted daughter, Rue stayed home and tried to care for her. Having to be with her mother all day, and her mother unable to work, it left Rue to find a third shift job. In her small town, no factories would hire a girl and that was the only thing open on third. Except for the local strip joint. It took a lot of thinking over and a lot of desperation for Rue to finally do it. She realized it wasn't as bad as prostitution. Men would pay lots of money, just to see her show off her body. Her body that she had every right to be proud of. It empowered her a bit and made her tap into a side of herself she didn't even know. For two years, Rue was a stripper to pay for her mother and her to live, and for her mother's medication. In their own way, they were happy.
Then, her mother was ripped away from her. An old John with a grudge that Rue never found out was, broke into their home while Rue was at work and shot her mother. When she found her mother dead in the floor of her room with a bullet hole in her head, Rue felt her soul die. Any sort of love and compassion the girl head died with her mother. Though her mother was beyond flawed, she had always been good to her and tried her hardest to give her the world. After the funeral, Rue sold their tiny house and took the money and left for a bigger town. With the money from the house, she paid rent for her own tiny, shitty apartment for months. From there, she got a job as a stripper at a bigger night club. Rue lived at the bare minimum, only spending money on her bills and food. Any additional money, she saved.
A few months into living there, a man approached her after her job. Although she held him at gunpoint, assuming he wanted to attack her, they ended up becoming friends. His name was Edgar, and he was a drug dealer. He wanted her to sell drugs to the other strippers. After a lot of discussion, she agreed. Together, they made a shit load of money. At the age of twenty-three, she opened up her own night club. There she made it possible for young girls to make it on their own without having to pimp themselves out, or be totally naked. It was profitable, and it was her kingdom. She now has an amazing penthouse flat, designer clothes, and just about anything she has ever wanted. She has a girlfriend, but doesn't really view her as that. She's more of regular ass than anything. WILL BE FINISHED LATER
Although she sells drugs, she doesn't use them very much. Drinks socially or when stressed.