I'm graduating on Friday, really excited for this I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow, getting gas in my car, and I'm gonna have fun! Not all of my family can make it to graduation, but that's ok. My Mom, Dad, and friend are coming. I have three extra tickets, but that's alright. OH!!! My brother wants to get me a graduation present, and it's a suit. I can't decide between these two. Please help!
Drop Cloth
Pole Position
These are expensive, so please base your decision on what you'd love to see me in. Or what I'd look best in.
One of the things you deal with is taking hits. You can only prepare to take whatever has been thrown at you before. But when someone comes up and hits you harder than you've ever been hit, all you can to is break down a little.
But that doesn't mean give up.
When I was younger I had a few of the Bionical toys. I never thought the weapons that came with the guys were matched correctly. So I'd mix and match. I did this so many times that I ended up building my own character out of six different guys. And life is sort of like that. You get broken down, but there are always other around to help you rebuild.
By now I may be that one guy being held up by his friends, but that's completely fine. Because with the help of my friends, I'm more adept to deal with situations. Recently I've taken a hit, but I also have gained a better relationship with my friends.
I'm rebuilding. It's slow, but I'm doing it with the help of my friends.
I love the fact that I have a friend that is making rebuild and love myself. Lately I've been finding less things to say that I don;t like, though I still have things I think. But I'm fixing it. With the help of my friends
I hope we can all use the help of our friends to rebuild after a hard hit. I know I needed this.
Mood: Up lifting Music: Watching Parks and Rec on Netflix
So My name is Mathew, and my friend Sophie has made me swear to start loving myself. And in the process of loving myself, I must name one thing a day that I like about myself. There's not much about myself that I enjoy other than my eyes or bellybutton, but she says I'm not allowed to list those because those are the only two things that I never complain about. So I guess I'll say this.
I like my cow lick. I enjoy the way it makes my hair go up in the front when it's short enough. It makes it easy for me to style my hair. It's not a big cow lick, but it's mine, and I love it.
She gave me a bunch of questions that I have to write down and answer to start to know myself, so that's not going on here. I'll write those down for her to see.
Can't quench my appetite for apathy
As I mark my skin with mementos of your memory
Such a pathetic design; failure was not hard to find
Along with it my sinful serenity
Just like you forever etched; a shade
Embodiment of what I wish would die
Repeated seductive lines to embrace
A blank page that can't be replaced
Vast land with one path frequently traced
The silence breeds restraint
Barriers to block a fools attempt
To fall prey to a killer's stare
Cloaked with words now reprieved
With the mistake to have ever cared
You will be my last reason to adopt
Symbolism of a heart's retreat
My practiced sin of serenity
Just playing on the street; living for the beat
Trying to sing a song with soul
But he's to weak to speak
And don't know where to start
With a heart worn like a weathered stone
No time like now seems more alluring
Guitar playing hard like rain pouring
Early morning mind shot by drinking
What was he thinking; just trying to break even
Feels overrun and tired and just like a wildfire
Little boy blue knows he ain't admired
But rock and roll never retired
And blues still make the lows seem higher
Don't feel the ground beneath his feet
But picks up speed and digs down deep
Trying to find what's in his soul
Lost like the will to seek a dark love once made of gold
Just playing on the street; living for the beat
Trying to sing a song with soul
But he's to weak to speak
And don't know where to start with a heart grown so cold
So warm him up with a passing smile
To brighten the day for at least a little while
Cause you're never too old or too wise
To sit back, relax, and just laugh at your life
And you can never be too angry or sad
To realize what small things you wish you had
There's nothing quite like a life trial
Overseen by the eyes of a child
To put yourself behind the screen
Defending what should and should not be seen
Don't feel the ground beneath his feet
But picks up speed and digs down deep
Trying to find what's in his soul
Hiding the pain seems to be a muse
But maybe a slight smile is the real goal
So I'm awake now, I feel pretty good. I ate some brownies, and they were delicious. I've been listening to Jumper by third eye blind, and one of the lyrics really stood out for me. It was
"The angry boy, a bit too insane. Icing over a secret pain."
It really makes me feel like I'm not alone. I didn't know how to apologize to my friend until I heard this song, and now I do. I'm extremely frustrated, my insanity has gone a bit too far, and it's all because of what I've been holding back from everyone. Ever since I was 14-years-old, I've been holding back a pain that has led me to resent loved ones. If there's even a sign that a friend or someone close to me will leave me, I just completely shut them out.... before they do it to me. I feel enlightened
Mood: I feel like everything is brighter Music: Jumper-Third Eye Blind
So, I've figured out, somehow, to get one of my best friends pissed the fuck off at me, leave my future open to a shit storm, have no plans with my life, my self esteem has dropped to just about empty, and my motivation is just not there. I want to go to work, I want to hang out with friends, I want to sit somewhere holding hands with my girlfriend that just doesn't exist. I don't have friends with open schedules to just hang out, nor do I have the gas or money to do so myself. I don't get enough hours at work to be able to just go when I want to. It all pretty much sucks.
So what now? I hang out with one friend frequently. We don't ever really do much, and he's been battling to get out of his house and live on his own. I'm trying to move in with him, but I'm 17, and I don't really have direction. I get really depressed sometimes, and there's nothing he can do about that. I'm just so sick of this, I want life to go back to when it was simple. I had friends, we hung out, we tried to do stuff, we played video games, went to the movies, or we just hung out for the hell of being around each other.
there's really nothing special in my life anymore. Nothing to guide me, or to motivate me into doing what I need to. I want to lay down, pull the blankets over my face and just sleep until I get to go back to work. The customers give me good company, sort of, and at least there I have something to do. I do diddly in school, jjust sit there and act bored. I don't even think I can go to my last class tomorrow, I might just want to leave early. so I can come home and sleep. Sleep just sounds so good right now, I think I'll take a nap.
I know I have said it before, but I only talk to two people on here and nobody ever contacts me so I think I will give this a week then I will delete it.
So tonight was senior awards night, and I was given an award for excellence in English. Well, it was awesome, you know, to get the award. What was awkward was my ex-girlfriend was there as well, and she got an award. I said, out loud, before they called her name "Oh wow, that's my ex. I saw her at prom, she looked great, I really missed out" and then once they called her name, she stood up, and was literally in the row right behind me,. She was sitting in the seat behind the one two seats to my left. Just in ear shot. So I had that awkwardness for me. Seeing as how I've never spoken to an ex girlfriend without a huge period of no talking, and then I go and say what I did. I think she's beautiful, all of my ex-girlfriends are. But she was a very special girlfriend. We had a lot of fun, she knew how to cook, I knew how to make her laugh, we had dates, and we had a great adventure. But I suck at the whole relationship thing, so it didn't last
So, here's another rant. It's been a long time coming. I'm with a group of people last night at Buffalo Wild Wings and slowly come to grip with the facts my ears are bleeding from stupidity. A.) If I was wasted, I might've thrown punches. One of the girls I was with, Janet, can barely fucking say anything without "y'know" somewhere in the sentence. I'm listening to more and more people speak in this manner. We all went to school, I'm assuming. That's probably a bad assumption, but whatever. We all have somewhat of an education to form complete sentences, right? Sure.
SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO CONSTANTLY REPEAT THE SAME PHRASE REPEATEDLY? I -DO- know. I'm NODDING MY HEAD. This means I'm actually SOMEWHAT listening to what you have to say without picturing murdering you slowly for your idiocy. I'm just noticing this massive trend in illiteracy. People now constantly use slang terminology. Do I use it? Sure. Do I abstain whenever possible? Absolutely. I find it loathe -some and incredibly ignorant when one uses it repeatedly. It just shows a lack of bloody education.
Moving on, she continues her order (for those who care, it was 10 spicy garlic wings), and invariably says "I'll take, y'know, 10 of the spicy garlic wings, those sound good y'know?" I'm at this point sighing inwardly. Jen orders the buffalo chicken salad and follows suit. "Y'know if the buffalo chicken salad is good? I might order that, y'know if it's good." DEAR GOD. I'm face-palming at this point. We all order, and Jason clearly sees signs of my frustration. "Scientist, what's up, dude?"
"Whelp, aside from the massive amounts of knowledge I've gained, nothing."
"What do you mean?"
"Apparently y'know is a commonality I don't understand."
Laughter ensues. I then begin explaining how it's a crutch word when people don't know what to say. It's like a thought-processing word. Uhm is also a crutch word. Do I say uhm? Guilty as charged. The night continues to progress, we all eat our food, and I seethe inwardly. I'm dropping people off, and massive amounts of drama ensues. I'm able to take a 3rd person perspective on things. What does this entail? Looking at situations for what they are - pure fucking comedy. A friend of mine thought it'd be a greaaaaaaaat idea to move in with a dope-fiend and start shooting up with him. What'd I do? The friendly thing; however, it was to little avail. Told her how it was going to turn out, but apparently I haven't been there (wait, wait, yes I have). That frustrated everyone, and I was slightly perturbed. I want what's best for the girl, but she's retarded.
Moving on, today breaks. I'm driving to the gym by said dope-fiend's house. There's two of my friends parked outside of it, two police officers going inside the apartment, and the two girls are cheering that the police are going inside. I park my car and just watch. I text them both asking what the fuck they're doing. "We're trying to help her see her actions." That's cool, send someone to jail. Brilliant. How is this a logical thought process? I don't know. People ask me why I don't watch television...This is why. My daily life is enough reality for me to stomach.
In summation, we're all retarded, and I'm included in this. I'm still writing off most of humanity.
Fragility lays under misinterpreted and unmarked words. Pouring out a river of uncertainty.
I find myself no man of war because none as such would fall upon their own sword.
Long since I've lost what stood relevant as a guide down a path of folly decisions and denied privilege.
Innocence spilled from invisible wound. Seemingly stricken absent of purpose.
Nothing would mask it's severity or intent but it's bounding likeness to determination.
With that mask I wear resistance. Toward unpracticed eyes of fondness led to worry.
Unseen efforts of stability steal counted hours. Enough so to rival the stars in the night.
Though they but follow in my footsteps. To lay sight upon such a tireless foe.
Pursued in light of their war chosen to defy own words left unmarked.
And so I shall mark them as to never be forgotten.
Wage war against thoughts of false opportunity and lay siege to desires left unknown.
I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow, getting gas in my car, and I'm gonna have fun! Not all of my family can make it to graduation, but that's ok. My Mom, Dad, and friend are coming. I have three extra tickets, but that's alright. OH!!! My brother wants to get me a graduation present, and it's a suit. I can't decide between these two. Please help!
