No one's listening to me anymore
which is actually the best feeling in the world
solitude I guess is finding comfort in yourself and it's been so long since I've felt that
so scared I guess of resulting loneliness that I just surround myself with the loudest noise ever
The loudest possible songs
the loudest people
the loudest idiotic ideals
the lousy gym
the financial aid office
the fucking "club"
I quit school and lost a internship because of money yeah but
fuck. if the peace and quiet didn't prevent me from checking into Bellevue
I don't know what did
(Actually I do their names are Josef, Veronica, Ivi, and Chris)
and maybe even Rene, Osasere, and Nathan, and Donicia
I don't know I often isolate myself from my friends
I even went as far as deleting my facebook
and a lot of the times I feel fucked up for it
and when I want to go back to the bosom of my friends it's always "where the fuck were you for two years". it's really sad. maybe i'm not supposed to have friends, it's awful hard to survive without though.
I don't know, it's a fucking stretch to say I give up a normal social life for the betterment of my sanity. but I mean this morning (and it is 4 in the morning) it kinda feels like that.
I should visit Maryland soon, I miss my Uncle, I did so much heartbreaking growing up this year. I just want to feel like a little girl again.
I miss Josef too, god I love the boy so much it hurts. I have commitment issues now, and the fact that he still has my heart across state lines is just....incredible.
I haven't seen either them in a whole year, it would be nice to see them before I turn 21 but I don't see my financial situation letting me do that anytime soon.
Yes I know it's been like forever since I did one of these so here it goes.
Bomb! it's 2014 and a ton of very exciting stuff has been going on.
First off I would like to share a piece of music I just composed today,
It's call Lenora's Snow a little instrumental improve I did to test out some new software.
Or maybe a couple months of craziness, I'm back on here. It's been a roller coaster. And I'm still dealing with some things but it's finally getting better for me. I miss the few ppl I've talked to on here. Not sure if y'all are still on but if you are, msg me ASAP. I need numbers. Got a new phone, lost all my numbers. Whoomp... Anywayz, guess I'll have to start this thing over since I lost about 70% of my friends list. Ehhh... Whatevz.
I've been having a very hard time with my memory for the last few weeks and so far its only getting worse. I'm having a very hard time remembering what a cult is about and what role plays I'm even doing.
If I'm staff in a cult its probably best that I know longer am because so far I can't do much to help with really anything more then inviting.
If I'm role playing with you somewhere please give me the link to the role play because I really can't remember what role plays I'm doing right now unless they have been responded to in the last few hours.
Nothings okay.... Wtf this is not right at all . lost and don't know what to do . I had no idea of what happened , I just know what I've heard . I walked away waiting ,got accused for things I did not do. Stars don't lie. Outside influences messing with heads. Believe what u wish . but I'm telling the truth. Don't kill a star so bright....for something so dark.... Waiting in hurt waiting and dying waiting for you to remember me and see
Hello all you lovely vfers out there.
It's been a while since we did one of these yes I know, A lot of changes have happened in the world of M2V.
Yes! it's true you can contact us via kik now if you so desire for tour updates ticket info and all.
So if you have Kik add March2Victory
Hey! I remember a time when this was one of the most played videos everyday.
Help get it back there, spread it around, share with friends post on FB, I ever heard its good for a early xmas present!
Wow... it's been a really long time since I've made an entry. Looking back on my old posts I was really a whiny little bitch. Gotta say things are way different now. I love my life and everything in it. Love the good but I also love the bad, for if I did not have the bad, the good wouldn't be so great. I've taken up a hobby or two since then and I've also gotten way more into gaming. I've acquired a few more guitars since then and I will be putting up pictures of them soon. A big thing I've gotten into is Gundam modeling. I don't really know why but I just love to build those models. I will be posting pictures of them as well.I've been through a couple bad relationships since then and it's really helped me learn to be a lot more independent. Sure nobody likes to be alone, but I don't NEED somebody there. I can be happy as a single guy. I also got a job.... finally. It's not really that great but y'know... a paycheck's a paycheck. You gotta do what you gotta do. Something else that's happened is my dad was in the hospital for a while. Originally it was for back surgery and he was going to be in and out and back on his feet again in no time. While he was recovering though he got an infection of E coli and we didn't know until it had gone septic. He almost died that night. Fortunately we got him to the hospital in time and he was fine. After that though he had to be put under heavy sedation so all his body's energy could be focused on fighting off the infection and was basically in a coma for about 2 months. When he had fought it off and could be woke up he didn't know how to talk or control his movement. We'd tell him to move his arm and he'd move a leg. Tell him to move his leg and just a toe would move. So he basically had to relearn everything related to motor skills. Lucky he picked it all back up along with his strength fairly quickly and he's gotten back to doing the things he loves. He goes to work every day now and he seems pretty happy. This has definitely been an interesting chapter of my life and has really helped define and refine me as a person. I've come a lot closer to god and I feel like I've become a better person.
Mood: Pretty happy Music: Infant Sorrow - I Am Jesus
Lavender fields forever
open field churches with horse priests and trailer park choir boys
CAUTION CHURCHES AHEAD!!!!
from the dead grey cities to the lively green towns and one light villages.
rule number one, never go nowhere without something to write on/with
rule number two, dont go places without something to write with
rule number three its better to carry something with you for years just so you have it one day when you think up something
rolling thru the sawgrass with a concrete dust colored and textured sand being tread on by laughing gulls and weeping oceans minute-man electrical poles stand on guard keeping society out of the Nationalistic park patroled by power tripping rangers Jim moans something about swimming off to the moon together as soon as the tide rises and I think that its the grandest idea known to man so grand in fact that either i need to go it alone or grab that sad lizard queen and half crazed blonde Oberstian and spend the ten bucks to escape out here for a week or so
oh father Isthmus why doth thou protest our company and keep thine self miles away?
You might have a wall, but weve graffitied it and painted it rainbow block and gemmed it and gilded it lillied it and diamond encrusted it every single inch of it is ours
even the forbidden zone that Cornelius is scared of because it encapsulates death
that black gooey-ness that is the belly of sharks bowels where he can shit you out and chew you up at the same time
the grim reaper isnt some phantom skeleton with a mystical scythe where he executes you instantly
the Reaper is what you need to fear
is an Aloupgarough
a psychotic motherfucker with a dulled chainsaw running off diesel and lubicated with coagulated blood
he screams gibberish insanities that resonate deeply throught your mind and soul.
he knows your not afraid of the dark anymore
so he makes you fear it again
you burnt this forbidden zone down to the ground many years ago
but it didnt die
how would you even kill death?
you walked out of that desert starving and thirsty
hollowed eyes and sand gritted teeth
but with a sense of hope restored in you
in your soul
for you are only a soul
filtered by your mind
distorted by your actions
it was a grand refreshing hope
the kind that made you smile
and laugh at simple hard knocks
the beautiful sense of the word
not the one coupled with faith that is lavender and butterflys on fake plastic rocks
or on hallmark cards
but the kind of hope and faith that dear old Mister Guthrie knew of
and the kind that youd feel if you had met the Messiah
if youd known what it meant to look into the eyes of the Christ
I look at thkis place and dream alittle dream of you
and how i really want
to fix you
to eat your smokestack-mill-railroad-factory-mud-silo-thorned-thistle-weed-hard-working-hard-rambling-blue-cancer away bfore you know its there
Ill metabolize it and wash it out withe some white lightning
and thats it
itd all be done and over with
its rather anti-climactic
but then we can go be beatniks again
or start even slower
we'll go be kids again
because maybe youre afraid of too much freedom right now
maybe you dont know what its like
to do whatever you want when you want to
to eat when youre hungry
to drink when you are dry
to sleep when youre tired
to wake when youre rested
and if this world dont kill us
we'd live till we die
we all only get to feel abou thirty full seconds of complete true love in our lives
i think im up to 24 and three quarters
but i can give you a solid six seconds more than i already have
because you can give infinitely
but you only get a little bit
and you only accept even less
sometimes the world puts you into the Forbidden zone
and i really want to drag you out of the 31st circle of hell
but i cant
you have to pull up your boots and strut out on your own
when youre ready
it may not seem like it but many years from now a day will come
when you will
strut out of hells hot lakes and naplam railroads
youll still be burned
youll still be scarred
but youll laugh and spit with me
at those that think about this place and claim they are a "tortured soul"
no ones soul is tortured
only our bodies
and sometimes our minds
but man oh man how i wish you could see this stuff I wish you were here man
then you really coud tell heaven from hell
I wish you were here when the battery died on a bridge above the uss lexington and we drifted in neutral down to a cement factory
I wish you were here when we walked 3 miles to get a new battery
and we spent another hour or two replacing the altenator
or when we first got the bay and jumped in the ocean at night and a pale dorsal fin swam by
and there was an uncertainty as to wether it were friend or foe
im still sure it was a mamal
or when we actually found green things growing in texas
or actual hills in texas and we went fifty miles out of the way to go through them
when i discovered beds of lavender flowers grew alongside the whole highway
I wish you were here when you said you wished i was there
i wished i was there everytime i said i wished you were here
I wish you were here most of all when they cursed me the day i was exactly like Neal Cassidy
they begged me to be him
and crucified me afterwards on a cog filled elctric diesel powered tower of bank statements
I wish you were here when i found jacks original words right next to that James Taylor album
when i looked out at the america floating passed my window and saw the sky and earth in one colour and there was no line on the horizon just one long opaque grey mirror of rainy misty fog and cotton fields
I wish you were here when I said I wanted to practice me backstroke, as I stood right next to the no swimming sign
I wish you were Here, when I spilled all of the pipe ash down my white shirt
when i hung 90% out a window over a bridge
when i said Father Isthmus is where the party is, because youdve got the hint
when instead of tearing down my wall , I just walked round to the otherside
when I found out they dont make absinthe coffee anymore so we could cry together
I wish you were here everytime I go round a bend or crest a hill or cross some rail road tracks
everytime i pick up my feet so they dont get wet when we drive over a bridge
everytime i say we dont need the GPS, because i wouldnt have to say so
when i saw the stained glass projections on the bishops face in the bayside cathedral
when i said hey lets go for a walk at 3am, when I said Vera Vera what has become of you?
when I lied saying i didnt know how to use a bayonet
when I lied again, saying i accepted the fact that i make death machines
when i popped out the smoke detector and filled a hotel room with glowstick and pipe smoke dumping the ash into an ice bucket
I just wish you were here man, cause man, like, youre cool to hangout with , you know?
and you get Jim,and Jack,and Johnny, so we'll drink Jim, Jack, and Johnny, talking bout Jim, Jack, and Johnny
this green fluffy stuff under my feet seems familiar but it cant possibly be grass, its too soft too lively to inviting to be the burnt harsh stiff strawlike golden yellowed manilla white sticks thats everywhere else