We all have our ups and downs. Currently, I'm on the downside of things at the moment. I want to get out of this town and I have since I got here. I would love to move to LA after I graduate in June but I'm kinda scared to because if things don't work out they way I would hope they would, I'm stranded there with no one to turn to and no way back 'home'. The story behind that goes a lot deeper but I can't really talk about it here, but it's stressing me out and scaring me more that you can imagine. Ie barely been eating lately which is somewhat of a plus [I've gained about 35-40 pounds since I moved back to NC. Something about this place makes people fat. Everyone I know that has moved here from another state has gained weight. But the down side of that is I'm starting to kind of enjoy the feeling of an empty stomach.. Getting an anorexic mind in a way and it sort of scares me.. The reason in typing this is because my friends have enough on their minds and I don't want to stress them out more than they already are. They mean the world to me. I needed to get it out. Oh well, I'm going to make an attempt at sleeping. I have to get up in three hours
Really think about it... Do any of the things around you REALLY exist? Are you REALLY reading this? Are the people and creatures around you REALLY there? Is it all just your imagination? Are you actually in a coma and dreaming all of this? Are you a lunatic in an asylum living a life in your mind to hide the real world from yourself? Why am I thinking of this? Damn I need sleep.
Buddhists will say that nothing in this is real, and that upon enlightenment you will realize this and be able to walk through walls. My thought has always been not if i was seeing something different but if everyone else was. Like I see my room or my school. School is teeming with people. Do those people see school? or are they not there? are they made up? Or are they real, but just not seeing what i'm seeing? I could see a teacher but the teacher sees a queen, or an assassin...
You impassion me to do the unthinkable
and bring me to unimagined heights
your innocence draws me in
and now my heart must fight
your kiss turns me on
and your softness invites me in
i gaze into your eyes
and there i visit your soul
i listen to your breath
and know ive made you whole
i touch you in new places
and take your sweetness into my mouth
i am completly in love with you
and my lips explore your body all the way up your chest and back down south
your beauty kills me
so i take things further
you are my lovely queen
and i am but your lover and a servant
i want nothing but to please you
because you my love will always be worth it.
I haven't left my house in two weeks besides going to the store a couple of times because of the fact that there is nothing to do in this little hick town I live in. I'd go hang out with friends but there lies the problem, I have none -.- okay, I do..kinda. None that are ever available to hang out. The people here suck. There's nothing but rednecks and wannabe 'gangsters', both of which I would rather shoot than talk to and they probably feel the same about me. I need to get out of this place but that takes money. Getting money requires a job. But no one here in the land of the bible thumpers will hire the strange little goth kid. Fuck the east coast. I want out.
Mood: Annoyed and chronically bored Music: VNV Nation - Illusion
i want to go see katie. to hold her and tell her that i love her...i cant do that though because of all thats been happening. idk why its so wrong for us to be together....her dad being a cop doesnt make it easy...but my dads a cop too. we are only two years apart idk why us hooking up is such a big deal!
So my girlfriendss dad called me the other day. he says he doesnt want me to have any contact with katie. he took her phone and computer away and tv and even took the door off of her bedroom. I havent talked to her for a few days now and its hkilling me. there are two things making it hard to talk to her. one that she is on lockdown with no communication with the outside world and two that her dad is a cop and i hooked up with katie sexually before age of consent. he says if he catches me even trying to talk to her he will bring the law into it not to mention my parents. idk what to do but i have to see her. i love her. any advice?
Mood: pissed....freaking out Music: Sick Of Sarah- Kick Back
i miss the days when i was younger. when i used to hang out with my best friend Cheyenne every second of everyday. she was like a sister to me. sense she moved away my life has changed so much. i want my friend back. i look at my little sister and her best friend and get sad because i miss Cheyenne. she was my last real friend. i wish shed move back and life would be normal again.....and now that my other friend heidi has a boyfriend ive been kicked to the curb...and things happened between katie and i too. i cant even tell you because ill start crying but lets just say we still love each other and we are still together but we wont see each other or talk for a couple months....or her dad will get the law involved and i will be charged with rape...she isnt of consenting age and i am. so im cornered
Mood: hopeless Music: Tegan And Sara- I Wont Be Left
i am going to ceder point tomarrow with my beautiful girlfriend Katie. We get to spend the whole day tomarrow. i love her so much and i am going to make it the best day ever for her. i will bu=y her ice cream and cotto9nh candy and we can ride rides and ill try and prob fail at winning things for her. i am so so excited
Mood: In Love Music: Light My Candle- RENT Soundtrack
my best friend went off on me yesterday out of nowhere. he sent a 7 page homophobic text about how i dont need to tell everyone im gay. i mindswell just wear a shirt that says "major dyke" and he just said a million mean things...even tho he was my best friend i cant see myself forgiving him
Mood: upset...but numb Music: Hollywood Undead- Coming Back Down
You are very beautiful and you have a beautiful girlfriend. She will help you through whatever your feeling and make everything seem better. Try not to think about him and focus on how happy you both make each other.
yesterday was katie and my seven months ^^ we went to the park with our other friends who are a couple and then went out for italian sodas. it was a really great day and i had alot of fun seeing her there and things all special like lol
ohkay so i have this friend Zach and ive known him sence freshman year. he is really a brother to me and weve been really close. well he was diagnosed with brain cancer...they could only remove 75% of it. idk what is going to happen to him. i dont believe in god but alot of people do so anyone who thinks it may work and have faith can u pray for him? god hates me because im gay so he wouldnt help me out (says the church i got kicked outof for being a lesbian)
Mood: .....all over the place Music: The Beatles- Hey Jude
Have him drink a lot of tea, natrual tea, without sugar. I have meat a few people that have had different forms of cancer, and for some reason sugar-less tea, natrual tea (the tea leaves) helps out a lot.
i am really proud of myself today! i am the only girl that does weighttraining with the guys team at my school and we do these killer workouts. im a feminist and belive im just as good as them btw but today every guy threw up but i didnt and i kept up the whole time. i love sprint training! thank god i like to run. I also have a higher mazimunm squat weight then two of the guys <3 im having an awsome day lol. how are you guys?
Mood: great but tired Music: Boyskout- Back To Bed <3