Writing about oneself is never easy but it should be...
It should be because you should know yourself, don't you think?
Really think about it for a minute:
You don't know everything you like/dislike
You have no control over your own body most of the time
Shit happens and you don't know why but don't try to figure it out
You let others define you; their actions, their ways...you make them your own
When you are being selfish, you're not doing it because of something you need
I suppose I could really go on for a while with this but I'm still mostly asleep.
anyway i just typed this whole giant journal entry lol and i just closed it like a noob xD it might've been private anyway. but yeah this girl she had (it was a movie) a mom who left the marriage/fam for another man. and she hated her for 3 years. it was a cool conflict where she herself is just in general a super cynical person (a writer) but the family dynamic was like out of whack almost. to me it was like why can't you just do it the right way and when you FALL IN LOVE YOU STAY COMMIYT BEVAUESE ITSA LIFETIME COMMITEMENT. i mean it was a lot mroe than that. because there wqas a cool mother daughter thing where like the mother loved teh daughter so much. but it was like betrayal.
(well the movie was called stuck in love because the dad literally never gave up. adn the whole movie the whole FREAKING movie he said she will be back. she's coming back. she's going to come back. thnnksgiving day they were a family again. I slept very well that night. all it took was three years of believing. three years of an empty bedside. Just believe guys. love is real.
current music:Tell 'em, go home 'cause I'ma go hard
I'ma go hard or I'ma go home
I haven't been there you know in so long
Mood:romance movies marathan day 3. get the tear ducts ready men.
Why.. Why can I only see the bad or worst in people and myself? I'm just so paranoid all the time like I'm ready to get hurt again... I let people in thinking oh maybe they're different then the next quietly fearing that they'll try to hurt me weather it's intentional or unintentional I just... I don't know anymore... I really need help or something... Or maybe just except the fact that I'm going to get hurt and let it happen... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
But as said before how could this darker cloud make me stronger now? But it's not just paranoia bothering me.. Not that you really care about me though since you're probably just reading this be because you're waiting for someone to respond or you're just bored... But oh well I'll get to speak my thoughts without any know judgement but anyways... My sister.. She saw the scars on my arm and yea.. You can imagine how that went... My ex boyfriend is trying to get back with me and he hurt me... Sorta my wrist is ok now but... Yea he tried to make me love him again and lol yea he didn't get what he wanted but yea coupled with my boyfriend that I'm currently dating being adorable and the best guy I've dated so far I just wish he were here... Cuz you see I met him here on vampire freaks I don't have a Skype or kik or anything... I keep thinking he's not real, he has a girlfriend where he actually lives he's gonna find someone better than me... He's gonna hurt me but I just keep running back into his arms figuratively obviously but yea... Don't really wanna leave my castle (his arms) I hate telling him what's bothering me because I feel like I'm being a nuisance I just don't wanna give him a reason to leave me or yea... Yea I know I sound clingy but I'm just trying at this... For the 5th fucking time yea I have baggage. Who the hell doesn't?! And if they say they do they're just bullshitting themselves. Just saying... Even you diary. You have baggage too but that's not even the start of my problems to sum up what I've left unsaid...
I'm stuck at a school where I get bullied constantly by boys and girls
Girls because I'm ugly stupid whatever and guys because I won't let them fuck me cuz here seems like they look at the girls like a piece of meat
My friends cutting herself for stupid reasons (legitly it's cuz her mom took her phone she still has an Internet connection -laptop iPad ect. And that's it that's why she's sad... -face palming)
Someone's spreading rumors about me at the school I'm going back to, shes saying that I hit on her apparently when I only THOUGHT. Of her as a friend now she's nothing to me... She made my sister cry, bringing up old memories of when she used to be bullied and shit and yea she almost told everyone my sisters secrets... Let's just say me and he had some..."words" and yea other shit to complain about... but hey I have to let out some. Steam before I explode.... And also...
I'm sorry for bringing all this up out of the blue (not like anyone's reading it) but I just needed to say it cuz I'm done with it falling on deaf ears... I never said any of this before because to me I feel like when I'm sad all my friends disappear well it won't matter because I'm so numb nowadays it feels like no ones there... A contradiction I know but it all only makes sense to me because I'm the only one reading it and all the "comments" aren't real... Yea i know im fucking crazy but that's just another reason no one likes a weirdo like me... So there ha go... The deep ponderings of my mind that I still haven't made a decision on what I want to do about them well... Some of them anyways yea diary I'd love to hear your thoughts for once but I probably won't so yea anyways bye...
Mood: -let's head fall on desk- Music: Keep myself alive by... Get Scared
1. Do you have a boyfriend? Yes, and I love him very much. 2. Are you in an open relationship? No, My love bug and I see each other exclusively. 3. How many piercings do you have/what kind? I have eight in total. I have my eyebrow, belly button and tongue pierced. Along with each ear lobe pierced twice and one the top of my ear. 4. Biggest fear? Thunder. 5.Do you plan on having children? No, My love bug wants one when we're older so we'll see what happens. 6. How many tattoos do you have? Seven. 7. Did your tattoos and piercings hurt? Some did, some didn't, simple as that. 8. Why won't you give out your kik/Skype/snapchat. Cos y'all mother fuckers are nasties. No body wants to see your dick. And yup, that's it.