I am dying and let me tell you why I am ok with that. I love life and I love to make people smile and laugh. I also love to help people in anyway I can. I may only be 21, but I have lived a happy life so far. I have a great boyfriend who has been here for me every step of the way and am amazing daughter who doesn't quite understand what's going on, but understands enough to know that mommy is sick and tries to help on every way possible. I have a loving family and great friends. I couldn't ask foe a better life. I am going to miss each and every one of when I do leave y'all and I know you're going to cry, but please for my sake don't. I am going to be just fine no matter where I end up at. My time on this earth with all of you has been well spent and well appreciated. I feel like I don't say this enough, but I love you guys. You are all amazing and beautiful in your own unique way and don't forget that. I'm not going to be around too much longer to tell you that, so remember it.
While you sleep I day dream about you & hope that I don't enter your mind because I don't want the imagine of you to be taken out of mine. You dream heavy & hard because it's the only time you're truly at ease, I often wonder if you are the sanguarian I been waiting for or perhaps a shiner with a fetish phase (& this will pass) then I'll be again tormented to go on the prowl of some other pure mind to corrupt.
But what I will promise you, now and until I am reborn again is this:
I will never change who I am (because you requested it of me) & never try to change you because I am obsessed with who you are tho I can't deny I want to know you better than you know yourself. You've always been a God & in blood you look so fukkin gorgeous that my asexuality is questioned. I want to be the one to crown you with thorns & roses, to shower you with violent affection & ruin you for other women. To be the darkness you feel cradled in & can't escape. I've bled for you & I've cried, you've made me wear my heart on my sleeve & burned it with cigarettes but here I am begging for more. Your perfect smile is the cure to any heartache & your coo's make me fall into a deep & eternal sleep. For you I'd wait in the backseat of a car like a bitch in heat until your oats are soiled & all you want is to leave welts on another pretty body, another beautiful face, I shall be the mannequin you destroy.
The mistress in me demands obedience but you aren't like the others I've had before, to you I am the whore & wear my scarlet letter proudly. With your name carved into my chest I vow that the label of your alter ego will be repeated in envy amongst any who know me, any who will or any who have. All the stars bow before you in both our skies, jealous of how we watch the world crumble so they have forbidden our touch even oceans apart.
There isn't a single gesture I wouldn't do, from getting down on my knees & bleeding mascara to standing erect & taking a belt with stiff lips & a dripping cunt that can tell you exactly how much I adore & worship you. At times I will need your jealousy for nourishment & your tears for shelter, your punishment for entertainment but know that I love you, and I have loved you a thousand times in a thousand different ways over many lifetimes. It has always been you, and always shall be. I recognized your giggle, your moans of ecstasy, sighs of frustration & most of all your voice. Your eyes are my haven & your songs are my home. I'll be the one to escort you to hell when the time has come, no one else will ever touch even a sliver of your soul the way I do. NO ONE.
I only breathe the air already in your lungs & see only the reflection in your eyes, all I've ever known is you & everything else was just a nightmare I was unable to wake up from. You are my God, my father, my brother & lover... You are my literal everything. You've seen all my faces & demons, you've seen all my dreams & felonies, you have carried me kicking & screaming through the dark so I would appreciate your pearl shimmer even on the brightest of days (with night as a constant reminder) you are the moon whenever it decides to Grace us with it's presence.
& lastly, even if you aren't mine, I am yours unconditionally, immortally
My Christopher Robin
All I thought that I needed to be happy was live but no I need more u need ur soal u need to keep it so ull forever be mine. I will steal your soal so ill be happy for a moment then ill cut u and let the blood drip out if u and taist it to c if ur what I need. U think I'm crazy .... Well think again I'm beyond the breaking point of crazy if u hurt me ill hurt you back. In the end who will do anything to be loved? Someone who's crazy.
I am not looking for sympathy in telling you this, but I figured my friends should know what's going on with me. If you know me then you know I have a serious heart condition and for those of you who don't know then let me explain. I have a hole in my heart that has been there since birth and it's starting to get bigger and slowly deteriorating itself. The doctors gave me about a year and a half to live when I was 18, but I'm 21 now and still kicking. Anyway, now that you're all caught up, I would like to tell you about my doctors visit this morning. The hole is increasing in size and at a very fast pace. It's causing severe chest pains and my heart to stop and the only way to fox this is to get a heart transplant, but the only thing about that it I'm pretty far down the list for o new heart and it doesn't look like I'm going to get a new one in time. For all of you who have offered me your hearts I appreciate it, but I'm going to have to decline. I was given this heart for a reason and I'm going to have to deal with it. Thank you all for the love and support I have gotten over the years, you guys are the best and I love you immensely.
Mood: Not quite sure Music: All time low- lost in stereo
I feel so alone tonight. Things are not looking good right now. I'm down and out and it doesn't look like I'll be getting a break here anytime soon. I have no one to talk to about my most worrisome problems and it sucks. They are suffocating me. Even if I wanted to talk about them to the people around me my demons won't let me, they are sitting on my lungs. I just want these feelings to go away. I'd rather be completely numb than deal with this. I can't even really turn to my go to way to deal with things. Not without everyone getting mad at me.
Mood: Alone without a hope Music: Escape The Fate- Celler Door