Dec 18, 2017, 10:37pm
That's all I have been the past 25 years. Alone. No one has ever cared for me. I write online because I prefer to hear the keys typing than to pick up a pencil and write it out. My handwriting is atrocious anyway and I can actually read this font. I know no one reads these things. I know no one cares. But I have to get it out lest it build up and implode inside of me. People are always going on about letting it go and writing it out. I want to say that I really hate the holidays. I hate them. My family doesn't give a FUCK about me. As long as they get their money for the child they lied and stole from me. They don't care if I'm homeless as long as they get paid. I know I can't kill myself no matter how badly I want to die. I already tried that on 2 separate occasions and look, here I am. I wish I could be like Padme at the end of Episode 3 and just lose the will to live and die. That would be so easy if things were like that now wouldn't it? I don't really have any friends. Oh sure, people will say they are but the moment you start talking about all the shit and awful fucking things that go on in your life they fucking disappear. How fucking convenient of them. They do it every time. I might as well not even exist to them. I think I have always known that no one has ever cared about me. Once they see my darkness. The mental illness caused by the neglect and abuse by both of my shitty parents and the rest of my fucking family they run. They don't know how to fucking deal. The world isn't fucking Disney. It's not all sunshine and fucking rainbows. It's death and destruction darkness and despair. I don't see the light. I'm in the dark, where I have always been. People say oh you're so young life gets better. No the fuck it doesn't you may think it does but that fleeting glimmer of happiness gets ripped away it leaves your fucking head spinning. Life doesn't get better. It hasn't for 25 fucking years. So you can take all your positive affirmations and shove it. I have been in and out of counseling for 22 years. I have been on and off meds for 18 years. It has done NOTHING to help me. I just want someone, ONE fucking person to care. To show me this world isn't pure shit. But that's asking too much. No one wants something that is fucking broken. They want something shiny and new and perfect. That, is something I will NEVER be. I will be this broken fucked up monster until I die. I really hope it's soon...
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