As a person who lives with, what is supposed to be, a disabling mental illness. I don't live my life within the borders given by modern psychiatrists. I don't succumb to the belief that someone who is "like me" necessarily needs medication. I don't feel 'insane' or crazy most of the time. Even though my actions apparently speak in a different direction.
For those of you who are not aware, I have a few different mental illnesses. (BPD 1, social anxiety, PTSD. (Long painful story) and what is now defined as borderline schizophrenia (because they couldn't classify it as full schizophrenia but have no idea what to lump me in to).
I know that it is possible to live a somewhat normal life even with all of this in my head. How do I know this? I have a few college degrees and TD under my belt. (I did not make my school or teachers aware of my 'mental status' out of fear that they would treat me differently. I didn't want extra help or excuses.
I worked for years in a level I trauma center/ER successfully as a clinic manager. I currently hold pretty high status at a very well known bank.
Ironically I teach hundreds of people per month how to do their jobs, how to keep themselves and their clients safe from Fraud. Even though the anxiety and fear almost cripples me as I get up in front to speak.
The point to this is, I have felt for so long that there was something wrong with me, that I should somehow be different. I think about how much farther I'd be in life if I didn't have this elephant holding me back. Trust me, procrastination is my middle name and mania/depression both do not play well with that side of me.
The other point is, I feel myself slipping. I feel like my mental state isn't quiet as stable as I would like to feel it is. This is the biggest reason why I abandoned my career choice (clinical med management). I felt that my mental state put patients at risk and I couldn't handle the constant fear that I'd just snap someday and stab people with needles or worse...)
Now, at my current job, I mainly sit to myself. I analys paperwork, phone calls, applications and general fraud related material. I also do all the mainframe code updates for Loan and lease processing.... so I'm not so concerned...but when I'm speaking to the crowds I get very agitated when people are clearly not paying attention. And I literally vomit before I have to go speak to these people because of the anxiety. I am contemplating taking the medication and just living the rest of my life as a zombie just to escape this. Some days I'd almost rather be dead than deal with half the feelings and thoughts that float through my brain. (Not suicidal thoughts or a cry for help just how I feel)
Whatever, I'm not even sure what the purpose of this rant is anymore...to clear my head maybe.