Living a double life...
Dec 28, 2016, 06:22pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
As a person who lives with, what is supposed to be, a disabling mental illness. I don't live my life within the borders given by modern psychiatrists. I don't succumb to the belief that someone who is "like me" necessarily needs medication. I don't feel 'insane' or crazy most of the time. Even though my actions apparently speak in a different direction.

For those of you who are not aware, I have a few different mental illnesses. (BPD 1, social anxiety, PTSD. (Long painful story) and what is now defined as borderline schizophrenia (because they couldn't classify it as full schizophrenia but have no idea what to lump me in to).

I know that it is possible to live a somewhat normal life even with all of this in my head. How do I know this? I have a few college degrees and TD under my belt. (I did not make my school or teachers aware of my 'mental status' out of fear that they would treat me differently. I didn't want extra help or excuses.

I worked for years in a level I trauma center/ER successfully as a clinic manager. I currently hold pretty high status at a very well known bank.

Ironically I teach hundreds of people per month how to do their jobs, how to keep themselves and their clients safe from Fraud. Even though the anxiety and fear almost cripples me as I get up in front to speak.

The point to this is, I have felt for so long that there was something wrong with me, that I should somehow be different. I think about how much farther I'd be in life if I didn't have this elephant holding me back. Trust me, procrastination is my middle name and mania/depression both do not play well with that side of me.

The other point is, I feel myself slipping. I feel like my mental state isn't quiet as stable as I would like to feel it is. This is the biggest reason why I abandoned my career choice (clinical med management). I felt that my mental state put patients at risk and I couldn't handle the constant fear that I'd just snap someday and stab people with needles or worse...)

Now, at my current job, I mainly sit to myself. I analys paperwork, phone calls, applications and general fraud related material. I also do all the mainframe code updates for Loan and lease processing.... so I'm not so concerned...but when I'm speaking to the crowds I get very agitated when people are clearly not paying attention. And I literally vomit before I have to go speak to these people because of the anxiety. shrug I am contemplating taking the medication and just living the rest of my life as a zombie just to escape this. Some days I'd almost rather be dead than deal with half the feelings and thoughts that float through my brain. (Not suicidal thoughts or a cry for help just how I feel)

Whatever, I'm not even sure what the purpose of this rant is anymore...to clear my head maybe.
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:34pm
Death
hugs
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:35pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
Thank you hugs
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:37pm
APetalintheBreeze
Whatever you decide just try to make the best decisions for you and your family.
There's nothing else I could ask you to do.
You have me if you want or need to talk. heart
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:37pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
Thanks petals glomp
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:39pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
I don't have the option to take a break until next year when I go on vacation. Unfortunately for me I am the sole support for 3 kids and myself.
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:42pm
APetalintheBreeze
Maybe you could train someone else up to do some of the talking/teaching to others then. It might be beneficial to have that in place rather than you doing it all since it causes you so much anxiety.
Sometimes we have to make our jobs work for us rather than the other way around.
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:46pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
I have BPD this I am well aware. I was misdiagnosed as a child with ADHD. I won't go into detail about how I know this is the correct diagnosis...but I agree, rants help me a lot sometimes and I feel this is the only place I can rant without having people look at me like I'm nuts (cause most of us here are pretty crazy anyway ;-) ) lol
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:47pm
APetalintheBreeze
Yeah. I think everyone on VF is their own special brand of fucked up. Makes for a good support group.
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:47pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
And petal, I cannot. I would have a long time ago if I could but that is a part of my job I am not allowed to deligate to others (it's about experience, education and status etc)
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:49pm
APetalintheBreeze
Sounds silly to me. Have you spoken to anyone about the possibility of doing so in the past?
Not trying to say that you don't know what is and isn't required of you, but sometimes people are more willing to work with you and bend stuff about than you think.
There's no reason, in my mind, that someone couldn't give the same training and speeches in your stead as long as you taught them everything they needed to know.
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Dec 28, 2016, 06:50pm
APetalintheBreeze
Then again. That's logical and sometimes workplaces are the most illogical environments.
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:09pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
I talked to my boss. The only way it would be possible is if I stepped down to my old position (about 20,000$/yr pay difference that I can't afford)
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:11pm
APetalintheBreeze
That's ridiculous and upsetting. Y
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:13pm
APetalintheBreeze
Well. In any case, my first comment still stands.
That sucks that you can't make things a little easier on yourself that way.
If you EVER want or need to talk to me, night or day, you got me. nod
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:15pm
Ferrum-Aeternum
Thanks petals pounce
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:15pm
APetalintheBreeze
You're welcome. glomp
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:18pm
warhammer432
Wow I never knew that you suffered from all of this, I suffer from anxiety, ADHD & I have a learning disabilty. I find it gery inspirational that despite all you suffer from that you've managed to be as successful as you are.
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:19pm
xOeX
It's all the snow... just send it to me and you'll feel betterhearts
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:21pm
NyxXV
hugs
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Dec 28, 2016, 07:29pm
Riz
Take up Tai Chi. Trust me as a PTSD and spontaneous rage sufferer it has changed my life utterly.
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