So here we go, needed to get some stuff off my chest..
You may do things when you're not yourself, and might regret those things later. As well as say stuff you don't really mean that harsh, but intend to mean it when you're really angry and upset.
The worst part is when you open your heart to someone you trust, in those upset times. And maybe say stuff in a very inappropriate way.
Moments later you think, oh well, I didn't really mean it to sound THAT harsh, I guess I was just upset, no big deal, I'm with friends.
So.. you don't bother with it, since that person you opened your wounded heart for, most certainly understands what you're going through.
For example, You might tell your best friend that you hate your partner if it's after an argue you've had, but inside out you love your partner over everything else, but just needed to let it out in that time of misery.
I'm no saint, I know I've said a lot of things in my life I've regretted later, and thought I'm an idiot.
But we're only humans. We do mistakes.
And the greatest of them when we're mentally vulnerable.
>But then you need to remember who I am.. If you know I used to be good, then I'm most certainly the same human being now, but it might be camouflaged by these tideous times and events.<
>I've said terrible things, but I've only tried to be true to myself, let my anger and hurt feelings out. You know for a fact I've talked about some people sometimes in a bad way, but you know I never hated them like that anyway, I was just being hurt and harsh..<
The worst thing when you open your heart for someone, is if they all of a sudden, shows what you've said, to the person it's about.
>Maybe I, from the beginning only needed someone to talk to? Open my heart to? Allow myself to be mad, to just let it pass and move on. (Exactly like you? Maybe I didn't have the friends you had.. Maybe mine were false..) Maybe I didn't intend it to be a big deal, since I really don't hate that person I've been talking about for real. Because If I did, I would go directly to that person and say it to their face, not go behind their back.<
It's a really different story with going behind someones back and talking badly about someone.. At least for me.. This is how I see it:
When you're talking behind someones back, you are trying to ruin for them, for real, talking shit about that person for everyone.. Spreading rumors, acting like a snake.
Talking badly about someone, you can just do when you're upset, without really meaning everything, and you do it with a small amount of people you trust. Because this is shit that does not leak out, sensitive shit. But in the end, it doesn't really matter, because you're speaking under the influence of a bad day or misunderstandings, and with people you trust.
ALL of this, is set to gamble when someone intentionally breaks that trust and let's shit leak out.. Because then all of a sudden, people might think you're trying to talk behind someone's back, when you from the behinning, only wanted someone to talk to, not to ruin anything for the person it's about.
You might just want to talk to someone on the ouside, with no intentions of others to know about it.
>It's a shame, things leak out, things you've said when you were sad and "not yourself", and then you don't even have the opportunity to defend yourself and tell them why you were upset from the beginning, because the person it's about, is sensitive, and takes it as you hate.. And doesn't want to hear from you ever again.<
Maybe you're not after gaining any friendship back or anything, maybe you just want to sort out all misunderstandings, so both of you can really move on, for real.
The truth has always been the most important thing in my life. And when you can't get yourself heard, it hurts like hell. Since you KNOW there is so much more around it than what it seems.
I'm not a person who easily shares things with others.. But this time, I was a wreck, I needed to talk, I felt hurt. And I for once, trusted in humans I thought were worth their weight in gold. But one after the other, they failed my trust, started to make a game out of it (maybe without intentions first) but it escatalted, to a game. A game of hurt.
And from what it first seemed to be, a talk about hurt feelings with someone you trusted, all of a sudden made you look like a lying piece of shit, without even the slightest chance to explain yourself.
The worst part in all this, is that those people who broke your trust, they too have said a fair amount of nasty things themselves.. But has only shared my parts of it with the person it's about.. And I'm too kind to do anything about it...
I think too much, worry too much. Trust too much.
In the end..
All of this, makes you look bad in some peoples eyes, and it's hard to take it away. They don't know better, they think you were trying to act like a snake, talk shit behind someone elses back.. When it really was about personal stuff with people you trusted. Things that were NOT meant to leak...
>The only thing I can hope for, is that they reflect over it.. And, If you've known me.. YOU KNOW ME. You know what I'm like as a person. NOT my mistakes during my worst periods, no no.. That's not the real me. That's me being not myself. <
>But my true self. If you've ever seen it, then you know the real me. And you know I never intended for things to excalate like this...<
>And maybe, someday, you'll give me a fair chance to explain myself, not because I need us to have contact/be friends etc, but because I deserve it. And you deserve it. Everybody deserves closure. <
We're only humans, we make mistakes.
And the greatest of them when we're mentally vulnerable.