Well more people offended, and less people that understand me.. that's fine, I'm definitely getting used to it.. I mean I think a little more than I used to, but I still don't think before I speak or post something a lot of the time. People need to understand that as much as I seem like a cunt, or a bitch or that I'm rude, inconsiderate, should be drowned, should be beat or injured in some way, and shit.. they don't realize that I do have feelings too, and no I definitely DO NOT think before I speak, and that I do actually feel bad about what I say sometimes, or that I realize how rude I was, or want to take something that was said back.. but hey even if I said sorry, people would still say shit about me, so why bother?
But heck, it's okai, I know who understands me, and understands my verbal issue, and those people I can say thank you to, because I'm glad they realize I'm not actually as heartless as I seem, and they understand that I don't think first, and they can forgive me for my rudeness, and the people who don't realize that I am stupid sometimes, and we all do it, well fuck you
In reality, the one person that should have been offended, wasn't because we talked, and she understood and took what I said with it's proper meaning, and not the rudeness in it.
Everyone needs to understand, that some people, like me, don't think first, and don't realize that our words aren't sensitive, and say it bluntly straight from our heads before filtering our thoughts..
Tis' okai though, I understand why people are negative, and think I'm a heartless cunt.. keep it that way if you want, obviously I'm not the close minded one.
Soooo, I really was thinking of making a blog, because just about everyone is doing it, and I think it is an amazing way to get your thoughts and feelings out there, and get feedback on how people interpret it, because I love feedback, and debates on thoughts hahahaha. So I think I will, I just don't know where the fuck to do it O.o
K, so, it's been over a year since I started my life again with my wonderful boyfriend, who to this day is still dazzling and amazing ♥
I guess I could say things were a bumpy road, I mean they really were, but the first year with someone is the most important of all, because that's when you've got to get the basics down, and that's when the mistakes that some of us idiots make can be forgiven a lot easier, I mean I don't want to make Devin sounds like a terrible person, because he's not, but when we first started "seeing" each other again, I instantly fell back in love with him, but we had our issues, I mean we spent everyday and night together, because when we were together, things were just happy, nothing was wrong, but I mean we did need our space, and it happened that he took comfort from a sleaze bag friend of mine who took advantage of the situation and his emotions at the time, and he cheated on me, I found out later, and I mean I was upset, like WHY would you do that to someone, why? I still personally don't understand, but I mean, I forgave him, did or would he do it again, oh fuck no. I also had that girl, and another friend who was apparently my bestfriend back stab me, and for like almost two months, these two "friends" tried breaking us apart, lying, playing head games, making up stories, and it got to a point where I said fuck you, get out of my life, I mean it's ridiculous what people do to hurt someone just to try and get their way, but no he wanted to be with me not them, and that's how things went.
After all this, his roommate who I was sort of previously with a year or so prior, got sick of me being around, and well pretty much he just got sick of hearing us have sex, because I have the vocal range of a fucking speaker.. like really hahahah, so I told him I'd move in just to help with the bills, which I liked, because I mean I was there all the time anyways, so I may as well pay the bills too hah, things were great at first, people visited and such, we had good times, then friends lied and betrayed us, and stole from us, and then accused me of lying about some slut, which in the end, I was right :P karma's a bitch, things all settled down, but eventually we had to move out, and it was really sad actually, like I miss our fucking apartment, it was big ♥ but RIP Lutz Apt.
We moved in with friends, bla bla, work, bla bla, changed jobs, bla Devin changed jobs, then Devin lost his job and became minimally depressed, and things went down hill, and I mean, I shouldn't have, but at one point I sought attention from someone else, I didn't have sex with him, but I appreciated the flattery, and liked being noticed, even though it was from an idiot who in the end is a betraying asshole that doesn't deserve the women he has [she should be mine >.> lol jk] but, I just flirted back, said a few provocative things, and sent a few provocative pictures, nothing bad though, like shirt and underwear cute pictures.. things were bad, I was scared, and in reality I wanted it to stop, I wanted Devin to find out, so I guess I subconsciously hinted at it, I got distant, I made signs, I didn't hide it well, and even just that little bit almost cost me my relationship, and the most amazing person in the world, and it would have been all my fault, but we worked things out, I don't talk to that guy anymore, and nor do I want to.
So, we moved again, and now we are currently moving out again soon haha but that's another story :P
We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on March 13th, .. like I said, the first year is when you really have to get everything on the table, I surely won't ever be unfaithful again, and neither will he, I mean had any of this happened like 2-3 years into the relationship, that's it, would have been done, but we make mistakes and we get forgiven, and we learn not to make those mistakes again. We still fight here and there, well I get emotional haha, but after the last couple arguments, things have really gotten better, I had a severe panic attack that I couldn't come out of for a good 40 minutes, and that was like the limit of my stress and I really couldn't take much more, it's not like I was dying, but it wasn't healthy, and we had a big talk, and now things are wonderful .. we've really gotten to know each other within the past year, and we've really learnt a lot about each other, and now I feel I can say we do understand each other on a way more personal in depth level.
I also got a job today at 6:30am will be my THIRD day, and it's amazing, I love the people, I love the work, I love the place, and omg I get to be near a huge window in the nice sunlight! I work at a gas station/ convenience store ♥
I really feel I've learnt a lot of life lessons this past year.. I mean not all just about my relationship, and love.. but really about myself, and the people around me, the people that really care, the people I can actually trust, and the people that will do anything at no cost to try and ruin my happiness, and after watching a youtuber's vlogs that I look up to a bit, I realized that she's totally right.. fuck what everyone else is doing, you don't need a huge career and shit to be happy, just be yourself, have fun, be fucking weird, let people criticize you for being the way you are, and just live for yourself.
There's still so much ahead in life to learn, but these years, especially this one, has really taught me a lot, and I plan to continue using these lessons to better myself as a person, as a girlfriend, as a friend, and as myself
To anyone that read this, and/or read these journals from the start, I appreciate you caring that much, I've deleted over three years worth of my life that I had written in these journals, and I wish I hadn't because there's so much in those stories and complaints and rants that really explain how I've grown and matured from who and what I used to be, trust me, I'm still me, I've just grown up and changed my tune.. it's not all about me, but my life is.
Thanks again to any of my friends who have followed my ridiculous rants and still reads my journals every once in a while.
Blaaa ramblings ^^
A special thanks goes to those back stabbing, ruthless, assholes Lucia and Morgan, you guys really put up a good fight, but you obviously didn't succeed because I'm still in first place I really do dislike you both still, but you helped me grow and learn how to really not let ignorant people try to ruin my happiness, because they aren't truly happy themselves.
I realized as of late that I really don't make these much anymore, I mean I always want to, but I don't want to seem like a whiner, or like everythigs soooo bad, because it's not, but sometimes I get knocked down, and sometimes I lose control, and well frankly sometimes my breathing patterns stop functioning, and in that moment of furious in and out breathing patterns, everything flashes, all the small arguments, all the love, how much things are really tearing me apart, but then you came to my rescue and sat with me, hugged me, held me so tightly, and in that moment I realized no matter what you do love me. We fight, I'm impulsive, blunt, sometimes rude, annoying, childish, worrisome, attention seeking, and sometimes I'm just plain unreasonable, but you're still here, and that means everything, I mean If you really wanted to leave, you could, but you're here, with me, you fall asleep beside me, and wake up next to me, and even in times of complete chaos, the littlest things can make a smile, and that smile is brighter than the sun baby.
Things have been rough this past week, tears everynight, fights, outburst of emotions, and you said you were gonna try, try to make things better, and you're the only one who's ever kept to their word. Today was amazing, among other things we spent the whole day together, gorgeous day, I decided to wear my cute flower leggings, little cut off shorts and my favorite bright yellow top, perfect for this weather, hand in hand walked to the mall, ou bought lunch for me ^^, we hung out with friends, went for a nice walk to look at cards :P even had fun opening packs and getting rare cards, everything was so much fun, even the little bus ride home <3 and I'm so happy that you enjoyed today as much as I did, and I'm so happy that you agreed to have more days like this to come. The little things, the smallest things, that most people brush off as nothing, are the most important things in life, holding hands, small kisses in public, lunch together, even silly things like your long talks about your cards, show me why I fell in love with you everyday, you're wonderful, intelligent, handsome beyond compare, your touch, your smell, yes with my shitty sense of smell, I can smell your scent ^^ your heart beat, gives me comfort and warmth, and I hope it never goes away. Now I don't want to seem like I know everything about people and human interactions, but in my world, my little hopeless romantic world of love, you're definitely the one <3, baby you're my friend, partner, and lover, and I hope you feel the same, I know you don't talk about your feelings much, but I can see it in your eyes, your smile, and I can feel it in your touch.
Love you Devin <2 you're the closest thing to perfection..
.:. There are things in this world, that I don't understand, like love, war, gravity or the lay of the land, but all of these remain mysteries, but one thing is for sure, you are worth living for ; Mood: Relaxed. Music: The Spill Canvas.
To drown Everything important to assure you forget about me.
January 19, 2012, 06:15:am
I don't have any particular reason to be posting a journal right now, aside from I guess I'm in just in one of those moods.
You know, one thing I've never openly said to anyone before, is that my past haunts me, all the time, like a disease... I mean I've grown well used to it, but it still stings to think that so many people took me for such a fool, and well maybe I was, but I knew it, even at the time, him, her, and the others, I knew I was bein used, I let it happen, and that what haunts me... It's not only going that I let it happen to myself, but that someone who told me day in and day out, after every fight "I love you" would take advantage of my kindness, I mean come on, you fucked up so much, and I didn't forgive you because I was lonely, but because I figured after a while you'd realize how much it tore me apart, and at one point I thought you did, but of course I was wrong, and I finally gave up.
So after everything that we went through, those three years of bullshit, we both move on.. Two years later, after everything ended, I pitied you, felt bad because everything was going to shit for you, I was the only person that wasn't in it to put you down, I held out my hand one last time, and you took it. I was there day I and day out for you, advice, help, or someone just to talk to, because I understood how fucked up you were/are and I still do, everything was great, I was happy with you in my life, as my friend, and that was the condition.. The only one, just leave our past behind. You understood, I agreed, and then one day, the I miss you came along, and the remaniscing, and it was okay, but you didn't stop, you pushed, I knew clearly what you were doing, trying to butter me up with compliments and all the chit chat thinking I'd come back to you.. After you called me a stalker, an obsessed bitch, everything and in the end look who was fuckin crawling back to me, AGAIN.. Because it was always you coming back to me, but I was alwas a fool to allow it. Not this time... You made a huge mistake, although I wouldnt have gotten back with you anyways, but you made the mistake of asking me to choose you over the boy I gave up once for you, the boy that grew up into an amazing man, that cards about me and loves me, and treats like gold, the way you never did.. Huh of course it was a no, what were you expecting... I still let it go, maybe if I turned you down bluntly a few times you'd get if, but it was to late. That's when my past gave me another chance, I was asked the same thing as I was asked two years ago, and this time I chose the right answer, the right person, not you, and even though I've told you why, and you clearly understand why, you ask as if I'm the bad guy. I still listen to our songs, all of them, every song I sang to myself that reminded me of you, but only to remind myself of why it's okai to let go of those who don't return the feelings, it reminds me of how I learnt to trust people better and not let people stomp all over me.
All thanks to you, I've grown up into a beautiful, strong person, not like the innocent littlegirl you destroyed, but better than her, and you're not even here to see it, I gave you the choice, you didn't mak the right decision this time,
If my past didn't haunt me like it does every so often, and I hadnt learnt from it all, I probably would have made the same mistake twice. Mood: Content Music: Dead&Divine - To The Moon And Back.
today at 6:30am will be my THIRD day, and it's amazing, I love the people, I love the work, I love the place, and omg I get to be near a huge window in the nice sunlight! I work at a gas station/ convenience store ♥