So I got a message today.. from someone who used to be a friend of mine. We haven't been friends for months because I no longer wanted association with people who talk to my rapist. She also posted it as her facebook status and then proceeded to make fun of me.
This is the message
Dear Mel, yea we r not friends for what ever stupid ass reason hat you came up with nd frankly i dont care... is it because ur still sore that i took john from u? nd yea i knew u were prego cos get this... i go to walmart ur mother works there she thought that we were still friends so she told me u were prego so... get off ur fucken high horse and im not a fucken lier because ur mother told me u can even ask her if she told me and if u think im a lier come say it to my face im not scared of u or ur lackeys i dont know the reason as to y we are not friends nd im sure its over stupid shit... dont forget that i helped u out when u had no fucking food nd i didnt have to do that but i felt bad for u beacuse "friends" help each other. nd really i had the same shit happen to me but im not a fucken bitch to the ppl that still talk to him yea it hurts nd scars u but thats no reason to punish ur "friends" i had it happen to me several times yea u hate the person that did it to u idk ne 1 that would be cool with that if it happened to them... b4 u pulled this stupid shit i would have still had ur back but now even through ur suiside bull i had ur back witch frankely is stupid to even do but hey not every one is the brightest bulb in the box but now that i think about it i guess u rele are that sore about the whole me taking john from u thing coz thats the only bad "blood" between us that i can think of nd i know u were sore i heard it in ur voice when he called u nd dumped u but o well nd yea i did find this on dorians site i got board nd surfed threw nd found ur post nd got nosey. nd the whole thing on ben rele bow many times has HE has ur back if i member right he saved ur life a couple of times so what he screwed ur grabben ur arm with them near but do u rele think he did it on purpos? i dont know what ur thinking nd i no longer care i hope ur baby doesnt turn out as crazy nd haten the world as much as u do... well u most likely dont have a job nd the father hell god only knows whats goen on with that so basicly ur mother will be paying for the baby because she is the one that is going to buy every thing for it. living wit some one nd having them pay for every thing sux its good that they r helping but it still sux. i have to say i hope its healthy nd have fun.
There are a few things I wish to point out about this. First off, her "man" John, and I broke up almost 5 years ago. I never cared then and I don't know. Secondly, how dare she throw the fact that my family struggled into my face. I never asked for her help, she offered it willingly. It embarrassed me to have help, it still does. Also, my suicidal urges, umm ok a few months back i was running all over town with 2 other people trying to hunt this girl down to save her because SHE was suicidal. We waited with her untill the ambulance came and then we had to go back and tell her fiance she was hospitalized and then she cried and wanted to come home because she felt she didn't need to be there. So yeah. As for my mom telling her I'm pregnant, I had already talked to my mom, and she said she hasn't said a word to anyone she knows I'm not actively friends with. So boo yah. And the stuff with the guy ben is again, concerning the guy who raped me. Which if anyone had bothered to hear my side of the freaking story, they might actually understand why I don't want any ties to these pathetic people. Now I've heard I'm being made fun of and whatnot on fb, pretty much because I was raped and stopped talking to people who are friends with my rapist.
How in the eff am I in the wrong here? And another thing, my child will have a damn good life because people like HER aren't in it! So i spent about an hour crying and I still feel like crap and I really should sleep but I can't fall asleep and I'm just in a crappy mood and don't know what to do. It sucks because I really feel the urge to cut and I know it's bad because I'm pregnant.. but still it's hard to fight. ='( Mood: pissed off. Music: backstabber- kesha
So in today's news and times of Mel's horrible fucked up life, It's a full day of pure hell and lovely sarcasm. Get ready bitches cuz this is a no hold's bar rant. Everything I'm thinking is going in here and I don't care anymore. But I have one request. Anyone who reads this, do not tell my mother. Frankly, I've got enough shit going on.. I don't need her breathing down my neck about how i feel when frankly, she knows next to nothing about me and can't even begin to make me feel better. She'd just have me locked up again and I'm not nearly crazy enough for that. I'm just upset and venting so chill the fuck out. Now then, without further adue, here's my bitch fit.
Let's start with some of the insults that have been bouncing around in my head. Somone told me the world would be better off without me. Well, yes they are right. It would. However, it would also be better without the people who make people like me. Rapists, child abusers, divorce bullshit, bullies, older siblings who suck fucking ass. Oh yea, I went there. My father was right when he came to see me in the hospital, but he missed a few things. He said I have issues with him, my mom and my step dad.. along with my good for nothing uncle. He missed my 3 older siblings. I've got loaddssss of problems with each of them. My sister has lessen though. I've really got little to none beef with her these days. So many years of fighting with her kinda dulled it out. In any case, moving onnn. Cuz really? I dont feel like fighting with my moronic siblings, love you guys if youre reading this. But you guys piss me off too much and I dont feel like fighting with you right now. Becky, you're excluded. Right. So moving on. The real reason behind this rant is to get out all the yucked up feelings. I can only blame myself really. But at the same time, i can't. It's hardly my fault that I'm so fucked up in the head. Believe me, if I could magically be better, I would. Darrell, if you are reading this, shut up. I didnt ask for your opinion. So.. I'm upset because someone has been constanty being a dick to me. Everytime I said "i love you" he'd return with "no you don't" or "lies" wow. really? way to be a jerk and throw my feelings in my face. as if i didnt already have enough problems. and anytime i wanted to touch him, hold his hand or something, he'd push me away and say "can't let your boy friend find out" um.. im single. been that way for like a month or so. or if i didnt want to touch him it's "oh? scared your boy friend will find out?" god forbid i put make up on! "you getting ready to see your boyfriend?" no you ass. i just dont like going outside without my eyeliner and shit. i feel naked without it anyone who knows me, knows that how i am. so shut your mouth fool. but really.. after several weeks of hearing this.. it has begun to wear me down to behind ice thin. its not even paper thin. its more like, you can see right thru it thin. he claimed he didnt know it was hurting me. well what the hell do you think im made of? steel or something!??! im a fucking human! i have feelings! believe it or not, there is a heart inside my body. as black as it may be. as twisted as i fucking appear, i do care about things! i do love things. i can't believe that someone i love, could be so brutal to me. that they could hurt me so much and not even know that im in pain. its sickening. the best part? i know i still love people. no matter how much i dont want to.. its just part of who i am and i fucking hate it! but jesus fucking christ. im so sick of everyone saying im heartless. i wasnt back then. but you know what? maybe i should be. maybe i should stop fucking caring. it'd be easier wouldnt it? let's see how many people would even fucking care if i just stopped giving a damn about them. i'm already half way there. im sick of people hurting me. im sick of being hurt. im fucking done. Im tired of never being good enough. Of not being able to express how I feel clearly. Well this is how I feel. Like shit. Like im fucking worthless. I destroy everyone I care for. I cant hold a relationship together if my life depended on it. Im so lost in darkness and misery and I just cant find it in me to care. I hate the sympathetic looks i get from people. Fuck you. I dont want your sympathy. You only know half the story. I hate most of the people I know. Most of them being my family. I resent them for not being there. For not protecting me. I was the baby. I was a child. My brother james told me that we all lived in the same house, yet Im the one who turned out fucked up. No. We never lived in the same house. we were worlds apart he was just too blind to see it. Im 15 years younger than the oldest and 7 years younger than the closest aged sibling. That's a heavy sense of time. They were older. They could leave. I couldnt. I was always there. Always being tugged around by my father because Im the baby. I'm still the baby. but you know what? I'm no longer weak. I no longer need my siblings protection because they never could protect me from the one thing that was more dangerous than anything else. Myself. Do you know how hateful it made me to have my own brother ask my mother IN FRONT OF ME why i am the way i am. hey asshole.. I WAS SITTING RIGHT FUCKING THERE! Judge me all you want for being so hostile, but Im sick of holding everything in. It's not fair. It's just not fucking fair! Why am I always being hurt? Why am I always the one that suffers? What the hell did I do that so bad that everything has to be this way? Am I being punished for being alive? Well most of the time I don't even wanna live. I'm sick of living in my siblings shadows. I can't be like them. Why doesnt anyone ever see that? Why dont they understand I just can't do it! Ok? I have no will power anymore. Im too tired. Im so very tired. Go ahead and talk shit all you want. I just cant find it in myself to care anymore I fuck up everything. I often wonder if my mom hates me because of how I am. Because of how weak I am. If she's just itching to have something bad happen to me so she doesnt have to take care of me. If that week I spent in the hospital was the happiest week of her life because I wasnt around to bother her. I wasnt here to burden her. This has gotten totally off the orginal reason I was writing this but oh well. Basic point is.. I'm a worthless fuck up and I hate myself. You can sit here and contest what I'm saying, but you can't make me change my mind. I'm a horrible person in my book. I hurt everyone I love. And I'm tired of being called heartless. and it not being true. So i'm done trying. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. I'm tired of crying. Of everything. Call it weak, but I give up. The world has offically kicked me so far into the dirt that I just don't even care to get back up. Congrats. You've won.
Heartlessly yours, Mella Mood: heartless. Music: love the way you lie-em &rihanna
{VERSE 1} I swear that I can go on forever again. please let me know that my one bad day will end. I will go down as your lover, your friend Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin
{Chorus} Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you
{Verse 2}
I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this
{Chorus} Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you
I'm Lost without you I'm Lost without you Mood: depressed Music: blink 182- i am lost without you
