A cycle, a circle Repetition of disgust A deep burning desire Keep trying, keep trying Oh how it hurts Wanting, needing, satisfaction Empty every time It never stops, never dies Every time you look in those eyes You see them failing Pathetic, hopeless, worthless Comparing yourself to everyone else They're perfect, they're perfect And I'm trying, and I'm failing I'm never happy When I look in those eyes Staring back at me From the mirror That I hate
Just a little trigger and I have a tiny panic attack inside. I'm sure you mean well, and I have nothing to worry about, but you have to understand... I've been trained to assume the worst. After you've repeated and relived the same horror story so many times you start to guess the ending and brace for impact. It's never any less scary, it never hurts less. All the cards are set up; it would be so easy for you to do the worst. I probably wouldn't even know. I'm trying to keep calm and be strong for you. I'm convincing myself that history WILL NOT repeat itself.
So I'm on vampirefreaks pretty much every day and I look through profile quite often. I don't always talk to those that I look at but I do look at everyone's that I speak to. Though there are many many people on vf and I obviously don't know them all, I do recognize plenty of people when I go through profiles and I'm fairly good at recognizing those I see or who have spoken to me. I've been thinking about how VF has become sort of an online home to me and I feel as though whenever I look at someones profile or speak to them I'm getting to know one of my many neighbors. This doesn't mean that I LIKE all of my neighborhood dwellers but I do try to peer into the lives of many types of people. That being said, don't be afraid to stop by and drop a comment. I might think you're annoying or disagree with your views but they're also a chance that I might be interested in learning more about you and your life. Just thought I'd share that sentiment. Anyone else feel like that about their fellow Vampire Freaks? Mood: Thoughtful
I'm trying to hold my head high but things keep feeling worse and worse. The stress is piling on. I sat in a chair, hugging my knees, crying in school today. I'm just not happy with my life. I don't even know where to begin to fix it. All I can think about is dropping out of college and moving away. I know it would be a huge mistake but god I hate feeling like this. Maybe I'm just destined to always be an "emo" kid. No matter how happy I should be I'm just meant to feel hurt and lost. I really don't know. I need help. I need help that I cant find and don't know where to look for it.
There's traces of you everywhere and it hurts... Not that anyone reading this would know what specifically that means, that is how I feel. Sometimes how I feel like it would be easier to die but I lack the courage to go through with it.
Lastly, anyone who reads this, please spare me the pseudo-inspirational shit. I don't want to hear "Hang in there it will get better" or whatever. Just let me sulk. Mood: Terrible
