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x_SilentScreams_x's Journal
[[Silent Screams && Violent Dreams]]
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The Comeback Queen.
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June 19, 2008, 03:28:pm
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I need a new direction
Will somebody take me there?
Who cares about perfection?
Cause nobody needs to care
Damn the ones who put you down
Only to turn their story right around
When your famous, that's when they'll want to know
When your famous, that's when you'll
Show them you're not about to lower your barrier
Show them you're not about to let them win
Show them you'd happily stick it to the fame & fortune
If only you had had enough
Of showing them just how much you don't give a stuff
So go on, rock this city - The Comeback Queen.
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It's no wonder
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May 12, 2008, 04:03:pm
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I'm a pessimistic twat. I'm so stupid sometimes too and I hate it. I mean like today, everything was going fine until just a second ago. I'm not going to say what's went wrong because I'll sound stupid and it is stupid because it's only a little thing to most people but to me it was something pretty damn big. It was...
Today has been pretty good but this has brought me right back down again, I don't feel happy anymore just a sense of loss and stupidity, and guilt and confusion over what's went wrong. I don't know why i overreact to these sorts of things i really don't. I mean, if it was something bigger i'd maybe understand why I'd think this way but it's not. It's something small and they're on my computer except THAT video which i stupidly deleted before for the sake of another which probably WONT be used at all and i feel so stupid for doing it. I tried to see if i put it on the computer but i didnt and i dont know why i didnt but i hope that in time i'll forget about the god damn video but i know there will always be something at the back of my mind telling me how stupid i was and how pathetic i am for trying something which then took place of that video.
i know i said i wouldnt say the problem but there, i just did. sort of. its like the computer all over again, except then i knew somehow there would be a way to get everything back and it was only a small problem but i think this one isnt erasable and it wont go away because theres nobody to fix it. it doesn't matter what i do, the smallest of things always drag me down more and more.
i mean, i really want to speak to adele but ive been so freaking scared of picking up my phone just for one stupid text but i keep stopping myself because im scared. even though i have no reason to be i keep putting things off and the more i do that the worse i feel and the worse the situation gets. i hate this. i hate how i deal with things and psychology isnt helping. it makes me blame myself for how i think even though i know i cant help it. im confused and i should be happy because i've left school now but i feel more left out than ever and my memory has gotten so bad recently its unbelievable but i guess it might be stress but i dont want to admit to that because then it makes it a problem that is real and im scared.
i know im rambling now and i know nobody actually cares because noone ever does and i just type these thoughts as fast as i can to get them out and it doesnt matter how hard i try they keep picking away at me until i just cant deal with it anymore. i wish i had courage if only for five mninutes so i could get my phone and text adele to talk. but then i get scared and i dont want to be scared all the time. im actually terrified about uni but im too scared to tell anyone about it because they'll just think im being stupid.
but everyone else can cope with everyday life - why cant i? i mean, im even scared about having to get my own shopping and buy my own clothes because i dont know what i like i jsut eat whats there and i have no idea about handling my money and i havent really bothered to find out and im scared about buying things in shops because people will be judging me for it and i really dont know if i can do it.
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Bahaha
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March 30, 2008, 06:04:pm
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I couldn't get anymore bored. You know what I wanna do?
Sit up all night, on the laptop. Talking away to whoever is online. But I know if I stay downstairs, parents will hear me go upstairs. But I also know that if I go upstairs, taking the laptop with me, parents will hear the stupid darn fan noise and/or me typing! I can't win, can I?
I'm watching HSM2, this really is bad. Seeing as it's a recording on sky+ I don't HAVE to watch it but there is nothing on TV and I want to. Gahh.
Save me?
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I haven't blogged in a while.
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March 23, 2008, 07:33:pm
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It sucks. I start to get frustrated easily when I don't write about things, you know that?
Don't know if anyone else is the same, probably. But I just get everything in my head and I really should just write it all out. Usually tends to be by journal on here, or bebo, or a random myspace bulletin. But then it looks like I'm asking for attention when I'm really not feeling happy :/
So I try not to do that because I don't want people to feel bad.
I started reading this book last night. Something called 'Dead Gorgeous' by Malorie Blackman. I got it a couple of years ago as a birthday present from my auntie and uncle. Infact, they gave me like 3 in one go. But neither book interested me but last night I couldn't sleep so thought the best thing to do was to read. As there was no other book available that I hadn't read out of these three I picked this one. I don't know why but it seems ok and I might even finish it, who knows! Depends where the plot goes I suppose, if it's the sort love thing (apparently its about this girl in a hotel who is the only one who can see this guy who is actually a ghost) then I won't bother reading it because it'll bore me. That's the thing I dislike about books, it takes me ages til I find a good enough book. I'll spend ages in a shop looking around trying to find one that catches my eye, and it's rare that I find one quickly. I sometimes pick up a book, thing it sounds ok and when I get home I can't actually be bothered to read it. That happened with 'Red Tears' by whoever wrote it. It took me a few good months til I got around to reading that! But when I did I realised it was actually rather good. I was in a bit of a rough patch and feeling really down, and I was finding it hard to sleep. Scott has suggested I read before bed instead of just going up straight after some TV/computer. So I did, and I guess it helped. Because I read the book every night and had it finished pretty quickly. I related to the way the character felt a great deal, even though in the story she was a self-harmer and I've never self-harmed. The way the writer decribed the way she felt about things - about school stuff, friends, family...it sort of mirrored how I felt about myself back then when I was reading it. Weird, really weird. The reason I didn't read it when I first bought it was because the very first page had the word 'blood' on it. How stupid is that? From that I knew it was actually about a girl who self-harmed. Although I guessed that from reviews from people on the first couple of pages?
Anyway, minus the self-harming and it could've been written about me. In a way I hate that, because it makes me feel bad. And right now it isn't so true because I'm ok right now. Just ok. Not fantastic, not really down, just ok. Just bouncing along.
So anyway, it was a good book. And its books like that that really mean something to me. That make me think 'I would LOVE to be able to do that someday' and I hope someday I will. Maybe not for others to read, but just me. I kind of wish I'll have the time to sit and and just type what comes to me. Because sometims its all I ever want.
Sometimes I just want to forget everything, get on the computer and type. But I can't. Life's not that simple.
I feel so guilty and I know why. This deserves a break...
My friends are meeting up tomorrow for lunch and stuff. I was talking to one of them tonight and it made me feel bad. Truth is, I hate saying the truth because the truth makes me realise something I don't like and don't have the courage to change just yet. I don't have money. The money I do have I need to keep to buy Elliot Minors single bundle, £4. And their album, around £10. That's all I got. I can't afford to go out and eat somewhere. Especially when I'll feel really out of place. I always do when I'm out. Even with my family I'm always feeling out of place. It's stupid. Everyone else has changed and a couple of them, if I'm honest, have changed into people I'm not sure I want to know. I'll talk to try and be civil but if I had a choice I wouldn't. Does that sound bad? Probably does. But I can't help how I feel about things. I have this big issue about eating in public. I know people won't get it because at school I'll eat crisps or something at break. That's fine, there aren't a lot of people around. But believe it or not I'm standing there every bite thinking 'Don't drop anything...don't mess up...just be calm' No kidding. I know, it's stupid. When I'm out eating a meal it's worse. I'm ok when I'm out with family, because I'm used to them and they know me. But out with people my own age it's just awkward. I'm not sure if it's because of past experiences and people making a huge fuss about my eating habits. Or lack of eating. Like Kindrogen - P7, Dalguise - S2, Kindrogen - S3/4. All places where I've felt really out of place when it comes to eating. Kindrogen (both) - I didn't always like a lot of the food, which I was expecting because I'm kind of a fussy eater. But when it came to meal times and it was something I didn't like, I would leave it. But people would comment and tell me to eat it, that I should it, why aren't you eating it? And when there was finally something I didn't mind eating it was yayy, look staceys eating, oh do you actually like this? have some more, you need to eat. As if I wasn't big enough!! Dalguise - first night was ok. Although you're always safe with potato things and mini milks :/ The rest of the nights there was nothing. So I had nothing. I'd get asked 'Do you want us to make something?' and I'd just say no, which was fine with me, seriously. But they just kept going on about it, saying why not try this, do you want a sandwich, is there anything?! I just wanted to be left alone. I would have quite happily stayed in the room while everyone else went to eat, and just have the chocolate I'd taken with me. Seriously. But I guess it wasn't a great idea and on the last morning, because I'd have pretty much no decent food all weekend I was feeling really light-headed. I think it was due to lack of salt looking back, because if I dont have enough salt then I do talk funny turns. I didn't know that back then, I wish I did. So the damn old grump of a woman who was there shouted at me and tried to force me to go cycling. But I just couldn't I had no energy, I nearly collapsed trying to walk and everything was a blur. So everyone left to go cycling or zipwire or whatever and I stayed at the room. Then I was made to go sit on a bench outside the food area with her until everyone came back. Yes I cried, because I felt really bad, and embarrassed and stupid. She practically told me I was faking it to get out of the cycling but I was too upset to care. I actually wouldn't've minded goign cycling if I'm honest. It was the zipwire I didn't want to do. What made Dalguise worse is that I was put in a team full of people I didn't really talk to or get on with and the rest of my friends had at least ONE person out of our group in theirs. I don't think anyone ever knew how left out I felt. I guess the teachers thought 'Oh this will be a good idea to get stacey to come out of her shell a little more' Instead it did the opposite. It kinda ruined my time there when I know it could've been pretty good. The time I had to spend the first afternoon kayaking was horrible, I just kept crying to myself and wished I was back home. But knowing there was nowhere to escape to made it even worse. I have no idea why I'm writing this. I guess it's time it came out.
Back to the food thing, I don't like going out to eat with friends or whatever because theres always some problem and the problem is usually me. I don't like being made fun off because I don't like a lot of things other people do. I've had enough of that today without tomorrow adding to it. Although I know my friends would probably be fine. I just don't want to meet up and everyone else want to go to this place, and me not to and not like wherever they want to go, is that understandable? I guess I should explain this to the one who was talking to me before but I feel stupid enough. Today sucked, even though it was good my sister was home for the weekend. I ended up having to make my own dinner and feeling really bad. All because my mom decided to roast the potatoes in the oven and I HATE them done in the oven, they're just yuck. So all I would've had was chicken, peas and carrots. Great dinner, huh? Not really, so I said no to that and my mum kinda made me feel bad because she'd made enough for four. Not my fault you didn't tell me what you had done with the potatoes. It was just my dad and sister laughing which got to me, thinking it was funny I had nothing to have. It wasn't to me. It made me feel left out in my own home. Again. So I ended up having this cupasoup which was REALLY quite disgusting. But I had to eat, well sort of drink, it because otherwise there would've been another comment on how I didn't like it either.
I think I have to go now. It's half eleven, I should be in bed, my mum wanted me off the laptop like over an hour ago, and if she knew I was still on, she'd kill me.
I'm going to go, then find my DS, and play Sims.
Night
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Mood: Reminiscent
Music: nothing
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March 11, 2008, 05:41:am
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i just dunno whats up with me. i feel groggy like you do when you gotta cold but i dont have a cold :/
itsl ike a jdfjaioe feeling in my stomach and whenever i swallow its all eww and i feel kinda sick. i dunno whether its lack of sleep and its just taking its toll or what but its really buggin me 
to make things worse i gotta talk to my guidance teacher about graphics and im really scared about it because i know im gonna feel so useless after it.
i feel like saying i just give up and i wont bother doing it if thats what they want because it kinda feels that way. my teacher doesnt believe in me, i dont really know what im doing so ive kinda lost belief in myself too. i know i oculd do it, ive just had ait rough and my lack of confidence doesnt help. i dunno if my meeting yesterdat helped because ive been sitting thinking about what scott told adele infront of my and i kind of keep trying to convince myself im not THAT bad but i just keep coming back to the same thing.
i have no idea which gets me down sometimes because it means i cant do stuff or buy much stuff and my parents make me feel so stupid everytime they mention it. ive tried telling my mum she just didnt listen so everythings just screwed up i find it hard enough to be a customer let alone be the actual worker. like the other day, i went into a shop to buy butter - just butter. and there was this guy in my year at school and i couldnt even say hi to him. just handed it over, gave the money said 'thanks' and then left. i cant even speak to people in my own year let alone adutls i dont even know. i know i keep putting it off but its better to avoid it than having to deal with the anxiety because i hate showing how i feel infront of strangers, and i always feels sick so chances are i would have to get out. but you cant run out of a shop halfway through your work and thats another thing that bothers me. is that i cant escape if i need to. and noone wants a coward working for them so why even bother going for it?
just let everyone else get on with it. i think im gonna have to try and explain to adele how stuff makes me feel because i told her about saturday and why i didnt go but she says i probably shouldve but i know i couldnt have because i just wouldnt have felt good and out of place and just want to go. because i feel like that when its just my friends but i dont like to say that because it sounds so horirble. i dunno whether its the kind of person i am or am always gonna be because my mum constantly reminds me of my childhood. and how i always preferred being on my own, and how i rarely had people over because i liked spending time on my own. but i dunno whether that was just the bullying or whether i really dont mix well with others but i hope its not because it means i'll probably stay this way and i'd hate that to happen. argh this sounds so stupid.
there were people on tv this morning who have lost EVERYTHING. a thunderbolt hit their house and it went on fire and they lost everything, like family photos, to toys and everything. how can i be so stupid in thinking my problems are a big deal when theyve just lost everything theyve ever known? i had a panic attack mainly cause of stress but when i thought i'd lost everything off my computer i panicked when it was just so stupid. but i dunno whether it jsut set me off. anyway im gonna go now i dunno whether to drink water or anything because i hate the way im feeling but i udnno how to clear it
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