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xXxLustdarknessxXx's Journal
Where will I start?
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Poetry xD :O
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December 01, 2008, 02:13:am
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It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be,
I was deciding what was right,
I didn't think I'd find my way,
In fact I was lost in the darkness that took me away
And now I stand here
Stand here in front of something golden
He reached his hand out to me,
A smile played upon his face,
I took his hand in mine,
And from the darkness he took me.
But my heart was still torn to shreds
My soul still lost,
He held me,
Held me so close to him,
I cried for the very first time in a long time,
Feeling safe he whispered
Whispered with a voice of an angel
"Everything's going to be alright"
I took from my ribcage
My broken tattered heart
And with it I carved his name into it,
Handed it to him
And whispered to him in my sadness,
Take it....
Keep it...
It's yours now...
Do as you please with it
And in his embrace he took my heart
Put it in his hand
And from his pocket he pulled out a needle and some thread
One piece at a time he stitched
Day by day he worked away at my tattered heart
Till not one piece was broken
He took from his ribcage his own heart splitting his and mine in half
Stitching one half of his to mine
And one half of mine to his
Protecting it from harm,
He gave me back half of my heart and half of his and in his he carved my name
And spoke amongst a soft kiss upon my tender lips
Take my heart protect it well
It's yours now
Keep it
I want you to have it
Soon a sadness grew into a happiness,
I wonder sometimes how I ever got here,
I pinch myself and wonder if I am dreaming,
His smile brings me to smile,
His laughter brings my own,
My soul combined to his now
What is his
Now is mine
His breathing moves along with mine
Our words full of positivity
For no negative omen can break through our barrier
For love conquers all
We are one as two
Combined forever.
My heart I don't want back,
Never will I accept it,
For it's his now...
His and his alone.
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Eyes on fire - Blue foundation
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November 26, 2008, 11:46:pm
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I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour
I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace
I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze
And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
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The Mask
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November 25, 2008, 11:28:pm
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As life continues to go on the world is in a repeat of the history from the past to now in the present. War after war is being fought. We wonder why nothing is being done about it while it continues to destroy us emotionally and physically. I’m not talking just the war between different countries and states but the war within common families, friends and our certain enemies. We continue to hate. Continue to think negative upon other people but do we take a minute or two to think why we hate or dislike this person? Are some reasons really worth it? Is it worth hating them over?
Hate is a powerful word but do we really understand the true meaning of the word hate? Is it just the negativity towards other people? No. It’s not just that it’s to a point where you don’t even want to think about this person or be around them it’s to a point where you are so angry with them that each time you see their face you want to beat them up or take them down maybe go yell at them a bit. Just completely ignore them not as a person but something that no longer exists.
So once again take a minute just to think back on all the times you said you hated someone or to now when you hate someone and ask yourself. Why? Is the purpose worth what it is doing? Are your friendships your relationships or you’re family really worth losing over it? Every day, something goes wrong everyday something negative happens it’s just the way life is. No one knows when or how it will exactly happen but it does. There is a time a place a moment a minute and hour or maybe a week it will go on for. For all we know it can go on for months to years this one emotion we use.
I would like to describe to you a few methods of hatred we are over exaggerating about.
Friendship: Ever find yourself ignoring your friend for doing something by accident or maybe using something of yours because they could not find theirs. Maybe borrowing something and forgetting to give it back or some other simple reason. Getting mad at them to the point we’re you both aren’t even talking or more than you both maybe a group of you stop talking. Do you ever wonder just why it has to be this way over something so simple? Well if you think about it’s really a waste of time. Why you ask? Well what does it obtain? What is it really doing for any of you but part you and cause guilt maybe sadness within the people whom do it? So next time you’re going to get bad a friend just think before you do. Is this situation worth fighting over?
Family: Alright so here is major one. Ever get this irritated feeling within you a feeling of annoyance and a lack of patients listening to your annoying mom or dad yell at you telling you what to do something over and over or telling you not to do this or that. Well really their there to look out for us they know what reality is like and I’ll let you know this. It isn’t easy and it’s never going to get easy. Money won’t always come from mommy and daddy eventually you will need a job, to buy your own house to pay bills to pay rent, hydro etc. Nothing just comes to you. Nothing shows up in a golden bag that says “Hello you just won a free life.” I want piercings I want tattoos I want this I want that well now in days the society has its own dress code if you dress this way or you’re hair is dyed that way. You’re body is covered in tattoo’s and piercings no company will trust you but maybe a clothing shop or a tattoo and piercing place. So don’t be getting down on your parents because they won’t let you do certain things they took care of you till now. Put yourself in their shoes.
Enemy of another friend: Okay so your buddy hates this new kid at school but he really doesn’t know the guy to well yet he wants to hate him or make fun of him because well he’s new and new kids get picked on right? Wrong. You are yourselves and you’re own person you do what you want not what some group leader or member tells you to do because if you keep following other people you will never truly be happy it will always be you hiding behind a mask.
Ah, now we get to the mask of hatred, some people in fact not just some but many people use this mask to hide mixed emotions within their hearts. They use it to hide an emotion that can be both physical and emotional and that emotion is pain. Yet pain isn’t the only thing that this person could be hiding it could be regret, sadness or even guilt. Heck it can be any emotion we want it to be that we are hiding. Maybe for attention or maybe for a darker reason that is unknown to us or possible fear of being as we are because of the common media.
I can understand because I wasn’t much different. I myself held up the mask in fear of being myself well because everyone already seen me as the dark type. I got called many names in high school that I didn’t want to be called. Yet comes the saying “everything happens for a reason” Which is true because well it brought me where I am today as it should bring you.... And my life has never been easy.
I am not trying to tell you how to run your life or how to be because if I was I would be a hypocrite. We are ourselves we do what we want and be how we wish to be. Yet we shouldn’t let others stop us being as we are because what is the point of being a lie or lying to yourself about who you are when you could be yourself .So you could be happy as yourself?
So once again I say.. Don’t let hate take over what is so precious to you... Don’t let it destroy those whom are close to you for keep what means to you close to you. Friends are like diamonds they are so beautiful so vibrant yet they are rare.
Time will go by when we will realize just how much friendship may mean to us in the future. Not just friendship but a talk with this person or a meeting of that person. For all you know they could be the very people that will come and help pick you up of your weak knees. When or if you end up with nothing, so take this to mind “The more friends we have in truth is better to have than the more friends we have in a lie for friends of truth never fade away yet a friend of a lie slowly dies away”
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Love Vs Heart Break
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November 25, 2008, 11:28:pm
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“I found myself going through many different types of relationships from the common cheater to the heart breaker to the abuser. I can’t say I have seen it all nor can I say I have seen most of it but I have seen an extant of it. I have shed tears to those I thought were real... I have lost what I thought was my everything, my dreams and my beliefs I’ve had them all run from my hands down between my fingers. My very life has shattered down upon me more than once...”
Love is a gift yet at the same time it can be a curse. It works both ends of good and evil. It’s the strongest form of trust, the thing that gives us comfort. It’s what makes us smile and put that warm feeling within our hearts. It gives us life, faith and hope. Love has brought many things for this society. It has brought the smile on so many faces.” I never used to think love was something beautiful. In fact I was stuck on believing it was all fake, for most of my life I awaited heartache welcomed it and knew it was going to come my way, but now that has changed. Now that I have opened my eyes to the world around me I see just how much love there is to see”
If you think about it, it is all around us, all around you. Whether it be from a friend, a close relative a passer by having sympathy for your pain. No matter who you are or what you are, you are in fact loved. Because love is everywhere in everyone and it’s what bringing us together. Yet I suppose at the same time it’s bringing us apart. We look at the common relationship to this day and most is all about the beauty of the other. What has happened to common personalities? It’s like no one seems to care about what matters most. Their looking for wealth for good looks and for someone they can show of and make friends over. Or maybe we all are controlled by our sex drives and all we want the other for is a nice turn on or some sexual activity.
Love isn’t anywhere near what it used to be but to those few who follow that path of looking to someone’s personality will be more lucky to keep a relationship than those that look towards looks. “Now I am not the most beautiful person in the world. In fact I never used to find myself pretty. I would look at myself and wonder why I was so ugly. I used to starve myself because of my weight hoping maybe someone would notice I had lost some weigh but the jokes continued and then all my friends had found relationships but me because I was ugly to them an emo that never spoke as they would say. It wasn’t just that but the conversations behind my back that drove me off my edge. I thought I had nothing in fact I felt alone like there was no one in this world that could help me no one that could give me what I wanted, no one that would love someone as ugly as me.”
This is where I had gone wrong though because you see although we may be but one person if we find the ability to be patients we can obtain anything we wish to obtain. It may take longer for others but eventually it will come to you. Eventually you will find what you were looking for because just because you look or act this way or that way doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone. If you constantly live in fear and envy of others in love you will have a harder time finding the one that you will love. Take that step that one step you want to take and grab a hold of her or him. Talk to them and become friends but hiding you’re feelings for so long can make it so it’s too late.
See we all walk down the road of loneliness we all wonder when true love will come our way or when we will have that romantic first kiss and be held in another’s arms. We wonder when we will hear those three words that can me so much yet so little. “I love you” or another three “I need you” It’s amazing by just saying those two lines just how much they can mean and just how much you can show the person you love just how much you love them.
Speaking of love I thought I’d like to show you just how big of a chance you have for finding true love because you see there is millions of people in this world now think of yourself but one spec of sand on a beach full of millions of other specs of sand. Now about 2 thousand or more people will love your personality and about the same for your looks so there is 4 thousand people right there you just have to have patient’s and wait for the right one out of those 4 thousand find you.
So if you ever feel alone know someone out there is thinking about you someone out there loves you and always will there be someone out there that will love you because if there was no such thing as love we would already be dead cause it’s what we live on. Even if it is from a simple object we own. You see love is very unique in its own little way. Unique yet we fear it most of the time. Fear what it will do to us if we go down the wrong path or find the wrong person. We fear it destroying us and taking away everything we hold in our hands. We fear what we like to call heartbreak.
Or maybe it’s not just heartbreak but loving someone we cannot have or loving someone that loves someone else. Which I know hurts a lot but when we see this we want to take from that person what they have. Why? Well because they have we want and when we want it we take it. Humans are really greedy and envies people and a lot of them are very competitive causing them not to stop till they have obtained what it is they want. Or maybe they have something but want more so they go out to find more and with this it ends in heart break, trouble or the loss of what was once the trust of the two individuals.
It’s like a war between two or in some situations more than just that. We fight about the stupidest of things and take from each other for the stupidest of reasons. Yet there is a point where it really crosses the line when someone takes a life of another because of jealousy. Like sure I would understand you would be mad if your husband or wife, girlfriend of boyfriend cheated on you but would it be worth slaughtering them over? Is it really worth taking a life and ruining your whole reputation with the world, probably ending up in a cell instead of just moving on and moving out or going to a different house or kicking that person out of their house? Like come on think common sense.. Think forgiveness. Not death and revenge. What does it do but cause more problems?
You hear about it on the news you see it in person you hear it from people you just know it has happened to someone whether it be an online blog a phone call or the news channel but for those whom do it... Do they have any heart? To see someone’s dying look in their very eyes....To watch them plea for them to stop....As each second of their life is taken away from them...Each breath becomes their last...Or maybe they survive and end up in a hospital running on machines cause they are to beat up to speak or even move. And people get off on this stuff... They enjoy it? Do they? I can’t see how anyone could it’s disgusting and very unethical.
Yet one thing that really ticks me off would be killing a loved one in front of a child because they had done something wrong to their lover. How do you think that child is going to grow up? Knowing his/her father/mother killed one another right in front of her/his eyes. Watching mommy or daddy screaming while the other argues and fights, physically or emotionally think of what they are putting that child through. Think what that child is being taught. Being shown...And having to grow up with. Another thing would be a mother father abusing their own child. Now correct me if I am wrong but aren’t you supposed to love your child. Not abuse you’re child?
“Now I know how it is to be abused emotionally. Because when I was little my parents used to fight nonstop all the time and it would never quit as much as I wanted it to or tried to run away my parents continued to argue right in front of me. They would throw shit and break cups and plates in anger. Swear at each other nonstop and yell about me right in front of me thinking I was too stupid to realize what they were saying but I knew I heard and understood every word coming from their mouths. When I tried to get away they would stop me.. They wouldn’t let me go which resorting in me waiting and watching them scream at one another for a long time...I lived like this up till I was 13 years old. By than my parents had divorced and my dad had gone on his recovery to stop drinking and doing drugs. From there it was a lot easier I suppose. A lot better than before”
Anyways enough of that, do you ever find yourself thinking you aren’t good enough for the one you love? Like they deserve better than you? Well I would like you to listen for a second because I want to tell you what the one you think deserves better thinks. You see their probably looking to you like you are the best thing that has ever happened to them not wanting you to do as you say by letting them go for someone better. And by letting them go does it hurt you? If you love someone you should stay with them because they could possibly be that love of your life. It’s almost like the saying “Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.” Seriously give yourself some credit. Just because you may not have the perfect looks or the perfect personality doesn’t mean you are not worthy enough for the one you love because the one you love probably loves you more than you can imagine.
So don’t give up hope because you aren’t the coolest of the bunch it’s not what matters on the outside but what matters on the inside. A picture holds 1000 words they would say. Yet the heart holds more than you can imagine.
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To be Ourselves
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November 25, 2008, 11:18:pm
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Alright so we are all different and not one of us is the same for there is always something off that we have that no one else has or can do yet it seems everyone is trying to be like this person or that person and it’s not as we should be. Why well those who act like someone else aren’t truly happy there is always something missing within their life’s and that something missing is the ability to be one’s self. You know those kids that are so “cool” And how they continuously bug people or make fun of people for being from them. Well I will let you know something. You’re stronger than them and if you are one of them you should really open your eyes to the reality around you. By taking off that mask you hide behind to just being yourselves. Taking the criticism thrown upon you, you become stronger and stronger and it will help for when you get older.
Labels are but labels that the media has given us. The label is not what maters it’s the person that is on the inside that does. So many people are missing what matters. So many people are looking to the way people dress to the size and shape of that person. Yet no one is seeing the person for who they are on the inside. It’s like a one glance thing. If they don’t look the way you want them to, they’re not worth talking to in fact they are worth making fun of. Come on people what are your problems cant you see just how badly this is hurting the individual that you are putting this upon? Do you ever stop to think if what you’re about to say or do to this person is worth it?
Telling people their emo because their depressed but do you ever think to stop and maybe ask what’s wrong instead of calling them a cry baby or telling them to go kill themselves... Do you ever think that the reason they are so sad could be so powerful that those words would be all it would take for them to end their life... Ever think maybe that person is so weak so upset so lonely that all they really want is a friend...Maybe someone to listen? Of course not we have to be cool and to be cool we make fun of the weak. But guess what, you’re not cool you’re not cool at all in fact your making a fool out of yourselves in front of a crowd of people.
I admit I am what everyone would call an emo, goth, geek, bookworm, fatty whatever they can think off I have been called it over and over all through high school and it has driven me insane to the point of where I attempted suicide and could have died over it. I began to cut myself first for attention and now for pleasure. Does this make me emo? No it’s called a masochist it’s someone that finds pleasure out of pain it may be weird but hey everyone’s different. But I used to be that kid that pretended to smile at everything, I used to be that kid that would cry when no one was looking the one that just wanted the bullying to end. But it continued and still does but I know now to live with it realizing I am better than them for I am not afraid to be who I am while they are.
So while they are in constant fear of losing their reputation we are living up to ours. While they have to live under constant guilt and karma we are living up to our own better positivity. So to all those who go through this hold your head up and be strong. Be yourself and ignore those who can’t. To all those who are the bully. What are you doing? Is it worth it? Is it worth being a liar? Is it worth hurting and driving many people off the edge? Is it worth killing someone on the inside... You’re ruining peoples lives. Is it really worth it?
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