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whisper17's Journal
My life...
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speechless...
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April 01, 2008, 06:46:pm
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Why does life have to be so GOD DAMN UNFAIR!!!!! Finally I found a girl of my dreams, a girl which kiss takes my breath away, a girl whose smile warms my heart, a girl that I fell in love on the first sight. Even I think that I don't deserve her, but she prove me otherwise, and for 4 days I was truly happy, from the bottom of my heart, but like always it is to perfect to be true. Today her dad called me and said that he will brake my arms and legs if I don't stop seeing her, he even threatened my family if I don't stop. It was a bit of a shock for me because I was expecting a call from my angel and not her dad... Minutes after that I ran out from the house, raging, my blood boiled but at the same time I was crying, in that moment only one thing was crossing my mind: what kind of hell is my angel going through. I know that I will never give up on her and even if her dad has to come to me, punch me million times, brake every single fucking bone in my body I will survive just to see her smile once again, just to hold her in my arms and kiss her lips, for that I am prepared to give my every ounce of strength and energy that goes through my body. Now I just think about her and how does she feels right now, is she hurt? Is she crying? Is she sad??? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS!!!!!!! Her dad thinks he can threaten me? He thinks he can scare me? He thinks that I will give up just because someone yelled at me? WELL GUESS WHAT, I AM NOT SCARED, I AM JUST ANGERED, AND IF YOU WANT COME AND GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course now I'm thinking about how will this situation develop in further and for now I found two solutions:
1) she will be forced to leave me and once again I will be crushed.
2) she will stay with me overcome hers dad will to leave me.
Now I don't know what to do, I feel like I have enough energy to climb Mount Everest, swim the great oceans but in the same time I feel so weak, like I'm worthless. Adrenalin is pumping through my vanes but tears dropping down from my face. I fear that I will love my angel, but on the same time I hope that she will stay with me.
Maybe I'm just overreacting but lets say that for the first time in my life I'm scared, scared to lose the person I love...
One last thing that goes to her dad: I don't care if you are 6 foot tall, have arms from steel, have guns and you aren't afraid to use them, I don't care if you can beat the living shit out of me; hurt my angel and you will face me, and I swear the god you will have to kill me or break my arms and legs to stop me.
Even if you rip out my arms, even if you rip out my legs, even if you brake every bone in me I WONT GIVE UP ON MY ANGEL!!!!!
Mood: raging and in the same moment crying
Music: Demons and Wizard - Blood on my hands
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New pages in my life
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March 05, 2008, 05:20:am
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Well, long time I haven't wrote anything in my journal but I want to change that, I want to share my thoughts with others or maybe just with my best friends(Skybreaker and TheEskhaton). After my broke up I was thinking what did I do wrong? Didn't I gave everything from myself to make her happy? And after so many thoughts I realized that I just wasn't fit to be her boyfriend. One month has passed from that day, one month I was trying to rebuild myself, and finally, with help of my friends, I managed to get the grip of myself again. Now I am happy again, and I started to listen to my old music again, but now I'm mixing two genres of music, but what the fuck do I care, I like it and that's it! After all this one thing will never change, I will always push myself to the limits, I will always get up and fight this life back. Now after I set pieces of my soul back again I have to help my best friends once again. Until now I was helping them, but not the way I can, I wasn't giving 100% of myself but now I feel ready to help them. It's time to start brainstorming again and to discover every single ending in every situation, and I'm good at that. Not just long ago I helped my best friend to rid off the addict of playing games whole the time and socialize a bit more with other people, to meet new girls and to have some other fun in life other than playing games. That was cleared but once again I will have to help him, because tho heads are thinking better then just one. My other best friend(TheEskhaton) also has a problem that needs to be solved. It's similar with the problem that my best friend(skybreaker) had but it is more complicated in his way. But it isn't impossible to solve it, and I always look for new challenges so I am glad that once again I can be useful to someone. Once again I found a reason to live, but now I won't give up so easily, no, I will fight, and I will stay strong. Like a phoenix I can fall and stumble but I always rise again, more brighter and more determined to live.
I will finish this side of journal for now and I expect to write more soon, maybe even longer ones or shorter it doesn't matter, I just want to write my feelings somewhere and this is the right place to do. Just one last thing...I always say how do I find some meaning in lyrics of songs, and I think I will listen to what this song is saying...
Mood: Happy at last
Music: John Bon Jovi-Have a nice day
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Slipping away...six feets under the ground...
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January 27, 2008, 04:59:am
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Sadness is just a state of mind, it has no form on his own but is manifested throught tears and bad feeling that is ripping you from inside. Pain is just an reminder to that sadness, and until you don't forget that state of mind it will always stay present, hiding deep inside your brain, waiting for a moment of doubt to come out and inflict more damage to you. Some people are trying to forget sadness throught inflicting pain to them, but over the time they start to seek new ways of harming them self, if that goes too far it can be deadly, because sadness didn't left, it is just growing inside of you, riping you, crushing you from inside and even if it seems that there is no sadness anymore after we harm ourself, sadness is still here, because our mind didn't forget the strong feeling of sadness, it is just burried under the scars, it is getting larger and under our very own nose, it is killing us...Sadness became a usual thing to my life, my whole life is just one large black room and I'm trying to find a switch to turn on the light... I thought I did it, that I turned on the light and it showed me that life can be nice, that I can be happy, and I almost forgot that feeling of being sad, smile and happiness took that place...But like so many times before I was wrong, after being happy for around three months after I was so happy, once again life showed me how wrong I was. Two things held me happy, held me away from my sadness and my pain, those two people are my girlfriend and my best friend Ratko(Skybreaker). They were my reason to live, my reason to get up in the morning and face every obsticle that is in my way... But now everything points to that that I will lose my girlfriend, and I don't want that. I'm afraid again, it looks like I'm reaching my hand out to her but she is slipping away, and with her goes that light, my reason to get up and live. After around three and a half year that forsaken feeling got back, that feeling of being burden to everyone, that feeling of being alone, it is hunting me in my dreams, it is hunting me every single moment when I stay alone... I thought that it will never show up again but now when my soul is breaking down and my body wounded it got out again and from the feeling that I feel right now it is worse than before and it is scaring me like hell... Now when I look to my whole life, it is a failure... I'm just a burden to everyone, and if I died maybe two people would be sad, my best friend and my mom... I hate to watch someone who is in pain over me and that keeps me from doing more harm to myself but I'm wounded now and my scars aren't healing, they are bleeding heavily... Everything seems like my clock is ticking very fast and midnight is very close...one last look at the night and everything will disappear... My sadness, my pain, my tormented soul... I really don't know what will I do but suicidal feeling in me is getting larger and larger... farewell for now...
Mood: In between of life and death
Music: no music, just thoughts
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random :)
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January 22, 2008, 05:09:am
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Well yesterday some idiotic scientist told that it would be the most depressive day in this year, but guess what, it wasn't! At least for me, I was happy the whole day...well not the whole day...My best friend is in some bad mood and I don't like when he is like that, I tried to cheer him up but I don't have any idea how to do that  I just hope that he is going to get better soon...
And so, random facts of my life What to say more...My parents are pushing me to pass this grade with A, it's not so hard for me but I don't want to study -.- and if I don't study I can't use my computer so I have to study, fuck -.-'
So long for now ppl, I would tell you to enjoy this life but I can't because I hate it, stupid life... Without my girlfriend it would be just one great pit of misery and sadness full with pain...
Mood: Mostly happy
Music: Nightwish-I wish I had an angel (and I do:))
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