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thedemonpages's Journal
The Demon Pages (series of text) and Personal Journal
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I Who Am
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April 04, 2008, 12:44:am
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I Who Am
I am a writer, a painter, a graffiti artist, a singer, a stoner, a drug user and abuser, a skater, a computer freak, an asshole, a lover, a hopeless romantic, the worst guy you ever met, the best friend you ever had, the guy you hate more then anything, I am nothing like my parents, I am alive but in the most dead of ways and I am who I am and I am proud to say that I am no one worth mentioning. My family are not the ones who helped me grow, that is credited to a group of friends I had who were there for me every day until I moved to the mainland. You may want details but you wont get as much as you had liked from this paper. This paper is about who I am, not about who the friends were that helped shaped me or my parents who showed me how not to be as a person or even the whores upon whores I have had for lovers. Who I am is a broken soul who exists among darkness where my emotions are based upon sadness and pain as well as thriving on loss so that I never have to hope to gain. By living in darkness, I don’t seek answers in the light. By my depression I have no reason to want to be happy because happiness only drives me to hate life even more and that is the spark that will send me into the warm welcome arms of every other teenager who committed suicide because no one seems to understand. I thrive on feelings of self-hate and pain because these are the emotions I know best. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the bright sides and I can stand the light, its not like I’m a vampire though I have been known to bite but I avoid those things because the most amazing of these things is something I know very well but hate more then anything. The thing I hate that seems to be the prime climax of anyone’s life that is worth living is Love. Not just love mind you as “love” is only the determination to get into the pants of that little slut you find so damn attractive and her ‘excellent personality’ is merely your excuse to say you ‘love’ her when really you just care for her just a bite more then usual and care even more when her clothes are tossed on your bedroom floor. True Love is something I understand because I have felt true love and I still feel it to this very day. I feel it for 3 people. The first was Carly who she killed herself because she believed no one truly cared about her, even me. The second was a young woman from my school who I still see now and then and the third is another who I have removed from my life forever. Don’t ask questions and don’t seek details on that one because those belong only in my memories where soon enough I will force them so far back in my mind that I will never ever have to think of any of them aside from Carly who is the constant reminder that not even true love is enough to save a life. I don’t sleep a lot and I suffer a lot of flashbacks that have been known to send me into seizures which have been known to cause amnesia which has led to some very awkward moments. I can be a funny guy then a complete dick within a moment and just because I look at you, doesn’t me I acknowledge you. I look at the world through a dark filter and I can watch you die and smile about it just as you finish the punch line to your poor excuse of a joke. I don’t care anymore then I should. I don’t refer to women as women but rather I like to just think of them all as little sluts and whores because after so many relationships and one-night stands I have come to learn that no little bitch is worth the trust because I can garauntee you she already has her mind and body set on another asshole which she will make sure to tell you and rub it in your face and I can promise you this, the last time you kissed her she kissed him first. Don’t get me wrong though, there are women out there and the few I have met I have thrown far back in my mind so as to forget which should be easy since I haven’t met a damn women yet since them. This is who I am. I drown out the miserable shit you call ‘reality’ with loud music and I avoid the slaves you call my ‘peers’ with amazing skill and I beat the bell to the ring as I stand outside and watch the smoke from my lips drift away and with it I hope it takes the last hopeless strand of my soul so it can fly away then fade away as it dissipates into something I can never replace. I hate the government and hate the country we live in and hate the president with a passion. The upcoming election will be nothing more then a show between a slut and a jackass while the other candidates sit there un-noticed. Like our entire political system is nothing more then a bullshit popularity race. Well fuck a system that needs the nations most popular little fuck to ‘run’ it when really the little fuck you call ‘president’ is nothing more then a puppet for the internal government that are called the presidents ‘aids’. Fuck the system, fuck the nation, fuck the government, fuck war, fuck all these special little school systems cant you just be happy with public school system? I hate so many things about this world that it makes me sick. I don’t believe in god because god is nothing more then a fictional character made in a fictional piece of literature and then used to control people with the spooky notion that if they do something wrong they will suffer in eternal pain in the burning pits of hell. FUCK THAT. Religion is merely a mass crowd control system when you think about it. So therefore I don’t have a religion but instead I believe in nature because nature is the only thing that has a reason to lie to me, because its unpredictable.
So now do you see it?
I made it loud and clear for you,
Even gave you some points of view
In the hopes I could help you
Understand who I am
Because I who am
Is merely
Who you see Me as
But it doesn’t matter
Because at least I
Truly understand I who am
Who I am.
And Who am I?
You tell me
Get the picture?
Mood: bored/lonely
Music: Bullet For My Valentine - 4 Words(to choke upon)
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blahhh
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March 06, 2008, 04:56:pm
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so im chillin on a lap tap in my science class...dying for a cig but whatever. I gotta pee but i just went like 10 minutes ago so thats just dumb. wd;lkjad;lkadjfa;dlkfja;flkjfkl im SO FUCKING BOREDDDDDDDDDDDD
i wants illegal drugs in mah system but my only drugs is at home oh fuck! dude its time to leave...sweeetttttt
Mood: bored
Music: none
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Lyric Time
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March 02, 2008, 04:34:pm
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My Fall Into Your Darkness
if i could do it all
i would take more then just the fall
i would plunge into darkness
if i meant i could have an existence
with you
but im just falling down
falling and falling
falling until i find an answer
falling
just falling until my answer
wont you tell me
just tell me something
something anything
at all
cuz until im done falling
im just wishing and dying for you
give me an aswer
to why
to why
to why
cuz im slowly suffocating
the world is slowly fading
the darkness becomes so thick
that instead of falling
im drowning in it
drowning
falling
drowning
falling
now heres my calling
for death
come take me
and fill me with your icy breath
freeze my lungs
watch them collapse
it will only remind me of how you take my breath
away
away
you stop my heart
but then my mind tears it apart
so forgive me
forgive me
for the darkness of which im a part
this haunting shadow
that must turn you away
just ignore me baby
walk towards the light
Mood: bored
Music: ZEROMANCER
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TDP: The Lost Soul [Chapter Introduction]
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March 02, 2008, 04:24:pm
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A lost soul is one who can never truly find where they belong or accept where they belong so they detach from the worlds and travels amongst us as simply Numb Emotionless Loners. However the specific soul we are discussing is a soul more torn then lost. It has neither accepted or rejected where it belongs and instead of detaching he simply shadows the worlds and walks amongst them without ever truly revealing himself. Even during the times in which it will openly attack to others before pushing them so far away he merely becomes a blur of a memory that never truly existed. This soul is truly undeserving and will never be truly understood until those who want to understand take the risk to see through the world as our soul does. During one point in time this soul was stuck between freedom and happiness. The Dark Freedom can be explained as more of a path or road that this soul travels through worlds on. Where he is unnoticed yet is in plain site and where he uses his strength to attack and detach from souls. The happiness at this time was a true life with cherishable freinds and a true love at its side. It can never accept that the happiness is whats meant for it and why would it? It's simply the nature of the soul and it is what makes it the lost torn soul that it is. In the ancient text it claims that "these souls are the ones with the most power. Such powerful emotions that are usually considered pathetic are what these souls thrive on and use to manipulate those around it. This is soul can also fit in the description of a shape-shifter. However instead of shifting its shape it can shift its general attitude and habits to fit into the masses and peers it lingers upon. Twisting minds to play with them and study them and how to fully know every possible way to bend someone. A creature quite genious in a most sick and dark way." Now that you have the general idea of this creature how about you get the nerve to see just what kind of a existence it is for our soul and maybe then you can understand atleast a bit about it.
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