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sexyvampire000's Journal
I am a robot with emotions.
No matter how i try,i cant erase your voice from my head.
i cut my heart out and my blood is just the pain thats left only in me.
All Around Me - Flyleaf
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My latest journal
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August 20, 2008, 01:46:am
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It's been a while since I posted last time.
My life was such a mess.I was so busy to fix it.
after my birthday,on february 27 I moved out.
But many things happened to my life and I couldn't stop drinking and smoking.
drinking hard became my hobbit.
My best friend and I ran to many bars and drunk hard.
always drinking and crying,screaming and fighting.
many scars left in my body and heart.
I was such a blank.but i couldn't stop drinking.
I've saved a lot of money when I worked in my town for 2 years.
but I spent it all on drinking.
and besides I had to break up with my bf and that made it worse.
I had to go back to my parents place for recovery.
Now I work at the place where I used to work.
I have new bf.
I met him in the end of june.
he used to come to my workplace to get some food.
he is my friend's friend.so I had a chance to talk to him.
I got his number and email address.so we kept chatting and we decided to hang out.
I went to his place and drunk.
talked till morning.
i was like OMG.
because we have so much in common.
we love slipknot and limp bizkit and britney spears at the same time.
and we love chucky's( child play) movie and Freddy VS jason.
we love cheese cakes and no chocolate cakes.
we love piercings and tats and love talking about what we want to get next.
Btw his name is Tetsu.20yr old and japanese.And it's second time to have japanese bf!
we met many times,over 20 times.
we had fight too but we made up next day.
on his 20th birthday August 2,i bought him a big cheese cake and celebrated his birthday.
and a few days later,he was on long holidays from college,
so he had to go back to Tokyo to meet his family.
( he is from Kanagawa/tokyo prefecture. )
so I've not seen him for very long.
but he is coming back in a week!!
right after he left,I have been on very hard diet.
and I'm getting sick.
when I was living in sapporo by myself,I got pretty fat from drinking and eating so much.
so i try to lose a lot of weights and to be skinny.
tetsu doesnt like skinny girls but now im so afraid of eating.
I was on a diet for surprising him.
but now i can't stop it.Cant eat at all.
in morning I woke up,i walk when i have still energy.
and i dont eat breakfast or lunch,but i take vitamin meds.
and before i go to work,i eat brown rice bread and drink green tea.
that's how i live now.
and lost some weights already.but i know i'm sick.cuz i cant sleep.
and i get very angry easily and i can't control my feelings.
i even cut myself from stress.
I want to try eating my favorite food but i cant..
I'm afraid,,, and im dying to be super skinny. and i don't know why because i used to think skinny girls arent sexy at all.
but now im obsesed with no eating.
well..im gonna stop here.....
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This user is fake
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June 26, 2008, 09:00:am
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http://vampirefreaks.com/BabyAya
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You need to go. *poem*
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May 30, 2008, 02:24:am
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I don't remember when exactly I fell asleep
I woke up and I was in your arms.
You smiled at me and you said " Good morning"
All of the pain was gone with my tears dropping.
But I can't cover up the emptiness you left.
My room after you left was so cold
was so warm when I was in your arms more than to be wrapped in a blanket.
My tear is scared of dropping down and it's hard to breathe.
hard to breathe..hard to breathe... hard to breathe..
Hey when are you gonna be back home just like before?
It might take many years and more and seasons pass us by
and while we're far apart,I wish we could dream of each other.
and then I'd realize that how much I wanted to be with you.
If I was still with you here now,my scar would ingrain this pain deeply and it'd punch my heart away.
Now you should bye bye me.
If it's time to be apart,don't kiss me on my foehead just like before.
hey it's time for you to leave,don't turn your arm around my shoulder
or everything about you would never leave me alone.
Time never stop.You need to go.
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I'll go to the states.
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May 29, 2008, 03:28:am
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I am not sure " when " but hopefully next year or in a very very near future.
Right now I'm at my parents place.
I still have home in sapporo but I came and stay here for a while because I have to work at the food store where I used to work for 2 years.
and I hope to earn a lot of money and after 2 months later,I'll move back to sapporo and then work at the same store in sapporo.
My plan on life is speeding up
I study English hard and I'll get TOEIC test on july.
It's very important test and if I get passed,It's easy for me to get visa to go and work in america. but i am not sure how it works so i need to learn more.
I don't know yet ..where i will go and when I will leave Japan.
But I want to go to place where there aren't many Japanese speakers.
And I don't want to go to English school to study Language because I have thoughts that " I don't want to spend money on learning language"
When I was more younger,I sent letter to acting school in hollywood and they gave me information on this school.
And I've always wanted to go to acting/music school in california.
I'd love to find cheap and good school
so It sounds like very stupid that I'm looking for those schools in cali
because it's must be pretty costy place.especially in los angels.
But at least it's my dream and it's still.
I want to find what I really want in my life.
But I just need to get out of here.
Life in Japan drives me crazy,I guess many people want to come and live in Japan.Like ..my friends in different countries told me they really like Japan and want to live in Japan.
Japan is cool but at the same time it's hard.
I moved to sapporo and that was what i wanted to do.
But now it's very stressful.
On the day I moved in,something bad happened
I ran to the bars and got drunk.that was all i had to do to avoid a big depression.
My best friend Maya had a long vacation from school.we were always together
went out every night and spent all of money.we got sick in the end.
Now it's out of the subject of this journal lol
well..
I really don't know which part of america I'll go.
and maybe not america
because canada is also part of this plan.
I wanna get out of here. seriously.
I need some different air and not in Japan...
My plan at the moment is
Get Visa,find job in america and roommates
Because homestay is more costy.
So i want to find someone to share room.
Anyway wish me luck.
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Things can be changed
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May 28, 2008, 02:06:am
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And people can be changed too.
I broke up with Craig.
I'll miss him for sure.
Now I don't want to talk about it but just wanted to write here that
I'm not with him anymore.
I still like him though.
He is leaving Japan on august.He'll go to university and then after that,He'll join army.
and that means,we can't meet for 10 or more years.
I've been thinking about it.
and his friend's ex girlfriend told me many things.
that didn't change my mind.
That made me think about our relationship.
That's true that I don't want a short relationship.
So I thought that I should leave him before it's too late.
It's possible for him to find someone else after he left Japan.
He's pretty nice guy.He has done many things for me.
I've had so much fun memories with him and I appriciated then all.
I just couldn't be good enough for him.
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