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psychotica's Journal
on my way to final goodbyes
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Can you see me when I am running?
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August 25, 2008, 06:53:pm
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Did I fall or was I pushed?
And where’s the blood?
I have shared a 100 changes
Gave away a 1000 oppurtunities
To rise above yourself
But there it is again
And there you go again
You are trying to drain me
A meaningless attempt
To gain the power of me
It is yourself you're suffocating
What is the purpose anyway?
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect
Is it all a game
Is is your way to feel
To feel you're not going insane
After all that happened
How can you still feel you've wun
You judge me on what you see,
How you twist reality
And still convince yourself
You are strong
But it is you you are deluting
So quick to point the finger
When you're the source of your condition
But as you put me there
I find I care less and less
About the words you are spreading
Fighting you every step of the way
There was a time for silence
And it long since passed
I can't be blamed for your self-punishment
I am sure you still don't see
Just twist your words how it suits you
Your fake sanity is not healing you
So if you're treated badly now, I'd scarcely be surprised
You're seen for what you really are, it's time you realized
Mood: Still slightly intrigued
Music: Otep - Milk of regret
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Really now?
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August 25, 2008, 05:29:pm
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I think about it a lot and today it came up again. Isn't it funny
how some people think decisions in other peoples lives are more
based around them, then they truly are? How some people have that
kind of ego? But in truth they only are happy while putting someone
else down, and that makes them feel like they are worth more? I thought
about it today again and I can not really grasp that kind of thinking.
How you can build your self esteem on other people's misery, agony or
some other feelings like that.
What is that kind of apetite for destruction? What is the purpose, what
is the meaning? Why do people think it means something and how do they
ever think they truly accomplished something by doing so? Is it some
self obsessed narcicism? Someone once told as it comes to self esteem:
Why are you so busy with how other people think about you? 80% of the
time you spend on that, they are not thinking about you anyways. That also
can be used by those people. Someone elses world doesnt spin around
entirely around you. You are not the center of the universe.
And perhaps that is the key. They want to be the center of that universe,
they want someone else to complete them, and give them what they lack and
should build up themselves. And they would try to hurt people to get what
they want. I am kinda fed up with those people and there are a lot of them
out there. It's not worth putting my energy into, I have better things to
do then worry about people who nulify my feelings. Who look down on me,
when I am much more then they comprehend. Ah well I know at least I am
truthful and their attempts to bring me down will not leave me scattered,
at least not for a long time, it doesnt impress me.
No the only thing that really keeps me busy is the why. It's why, I don't
get. I am sure it's just to based on the fact they want to take what they
think they deserve, even if they are not worth those things to begin with.
And something has to do with the fact they have appearantly so litle going
on their lives, that they need to keep themselves busy with the live of others.
"See that person does this and this, and since it is not similar to how I would
do it, it surely means I am better." And another why is why so many people let
them get away with it. Not much people stand up to them, leave them be because
they are tired of the constant debate.
Energy suckers they are. Lovers of the control drama's. Draining you for their
own benefit. And I think some people are just basically addicted to them, others
are just to drained to fight. There are about a million reasons. But a control
drama only stops when you stop giving them the personal attention they need. Sure,
by writing this down it might look like I am feeding my personal energy vampires,
by giving them this attention. But that is not true, this is just a rant, or
even just a train of thought about those energy vampires in general. As it comes
to my personal ones... The weapon of knowledge of what they are trying to do
helps a lot in cases like that. Sure not always, but self protection is the key
for people thinking just about self-preservation without ever wanting to taste
some coincedeinces. And on that note, I suggest more people read the Celestine Prophecy.
Mood: Intrigued and thoughtful
Music: Tv is on.
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Straitjacket {Alanis Morrisette}
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August 25, 2008, 07:56:am
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Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect
This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket
Talking with you’s like talking to a sive that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening
Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me
This shit’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket
Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent
Mood: Pissed off
Music: See blog ;)
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Little update...
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August 21, 2008, 08:00:pm
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Although I am slowly but surely am feeling better, I am not becoming more self confident. I don't feel sexy or passionate, beautiful or gorgeous. I don't feel wanted, I don't feel desired. I am feeling low still and taking a lot as rejection, Compliments I hardly feel like people mean them. I don't believe it more. Yep I am shamefully saying I am having my head hanging low as it comes to appearance and myself as a person. Perhaps I am depressed or it is just the weather. I don't know...
But I am harsher to myself then I need to be, almost as if I am punishing myself. This is making it harder to enjoy the good stuff and I just plain worry too much. I can not tell a lot about some of the good stuff, since I want to tell people first personal. But even now I fear fucking things up. I am loved I know I am, but I am having a hard time reaching it, perhaps I feel I do not deserve it, I don't have the answers. All I know is that I am restless, and if I don't calm down, set my priorities straight, I might kill my own dreams, the one thing I do not want to do. Cause even though my self confidence is bad, my life is making a turn for the good. Where is the wall, I need to break it down and enjoy it all once more, without a spark of self-inflicted doubt about myself bringing it to the ground. I long for the joy of a smile, and the constant remembrance of someone standing by me no matter what, something I am already getting. That and a bit of patience will surely heal.
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If I played it safe, would it save me?
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August 20, 2008, 04:21:pm
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I've got to burn this weight out of my mind
Running through my veins until I disappear
I want to let it rest
But you make me feel
Like I need to watch my back
How can someone like you
Slip through the cracks
of my mind
I don't trust you
It's creeping in
It's creeping
It's beeing pushed aside
I am surely losing my mind
This is just a bruise
This is just the mirror meant to show the truth
I am not sure
Is this a game to be played
The dust in your eyes
Settling on the wind
But this is me
Standing before you
And this is me
Not needing answers from you
I figured it out long time ago
All you see is less then me
But I'm not willing to be denied
Do you think of me when I'm no where near
When you shut your mouth tell me what you hear
How should I feel
When I can see
You are fighting the urge
To haunt what I love
Do you think I am insane
You are wasting precious time
I am allowed to fall
But you are not competition
I am not stepping aside for you
I am surely not losing ground
Raising my smile to the sky
Safety in numbers, you thought I'd washed away,
But I'm still waiting for the rain...
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Today.....
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August 07, 2008, 09:15:am
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Is the birthday of my lovely dearest sweetheart, my boyfriend, FreakyJoost. So go to his profile and send him birthday wishes or get a spanking by me! I love you, babe, now give me another smile. 
 Hot! Myspace Comments
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I desire...
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August 04, 2008, 07:22:pm
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I desire those touches with your big hands so gently
I desire just a soft touch in my neck
I dream of us laying on the bed, you leaning softly over me
I dream of us kissing so softly, passionatly
I desire the big embrace with wich you hold me tight
I desire those soft cuddles for we go to bed
I like it when you touch me like no one else can
I like it when you make me curl, twist and moan
I desire those silent moments we only understand
I desire our conversations deep and meaningful
I smile when we goof of, all those silly things
I smile about how our sex can make me feel beautiful
I desire our those moments I hold as memories
I desire that thoughts of our future touches my heart
I love the big smile on your face so many times
I love you and all you are and want to be for me
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All the world is a judge
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August 04, 2008, 01:57:pm
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But that doesn't compare
To what I do to myself when you're not there
Sometimes I wish to understand
What it is that keeps me scared
Is the past outside my reach
Is the answer within my hands
Soft punches that feels like blows
Who is feeding into a frenzy
I try to heal my mind
But I keep on spinning
Failure is kicking me down
While all I need is the strenght
To rise up above it all
I kiss the ground but I can hardly breathe,
As you scrape me from the pavement once again.
And I am sorry
And I am so sorry
Sorry I have not healed just yet
For being damaged goods
For all the things they put me through
With wich you are now dealing
My hands are bleeding the dust
I try to put back on my past
To keep it on the shelf, not to touch
One little things pulls me inside out
But yes I am still fighting
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
Please believe I have no doubts
I have issues to work through
And I got lost in between
Restoring trust
Between the old and the new me
And all those sane things in my life
I still fear of losing
Cause I love so much
Yes in my heart I do love you
I need patience, need to believe
Just need someone to hold me now
I dream of a world without shadows and I dream of a day without pain
I long for perpetual motion and I dream of living again
Mood: Confused, fearing, strong
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Swandive {Ani DiFranco}
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August 04, 2008, 11:51:am
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cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed
i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown
and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
and i've got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
'cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better thing to do than survive
i've got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i've got a vision of blue sky and dry land
i'm cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned
and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown...
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