Getting a new family member tomorrow ^-^ little puppy staffy bitch. We had to get Harley put to sleep at 5 months old for a congenital skin condition so as a little play mate for Zeus we are getting baby Cinder brindle bitch 10 weeks old ^-^ can't wait yeah x
YAY I have sciatica in my lower back, arse and legs! Yay my doctor won't give me any medication for it due to me overdosing on codine just before new Year.
yay I was in hopsital due to a kidney infection, chest infection, flu and a fever.
Yay I had 3 positive pregnancy tests and a negative blood test at the hospital too (I am NOT pregnant)
YAY my sterilization operation must've gone really well 4 years ago.
Yay life is so shit
Yay mother has decided to start interfering and suffocating me and my boys yet again
Yay I need to fucking move house
Yay I am so fucking happy (insert sarcasm)
Yay the doctor took me of my medication and replaced it with an even shitter one.
I am in love (again) with the man that has done nothing but fuck me about for 13 years.
This time it feels different. I know I've said this in the past but really this does feel different this time.
To understand what I mean I'll delve a little deeper.
We met at a friends house party when I was 17, we hit it off and we started dating. I was heavily into the drug scene at this time so we used to get high and go out drinking etc..
We were always a kinky couple, plus the fact that his cock is AMAZING! (I do love the cock) it was pretty good.
Anyways, he was there for me when my great grandma died, a shoulder to cry on.
We were together for 2 years, then I had an arguement with the parents and got thrown out of the house. I moved in with his sister Tami till I got the money together for my own place. Then nothing, no word from him, not seeing him, nothing. After getting on the bus one day after work he was on it. I asked him to come back to the flat to talk. I cried, he was seeing another girl Adelle. It hurt and really upset me. I told him I loved him. He said he felt the same but couldn't go through it all with me. We drifted.
I found myself roaming around having failed relationship after failed relationship, I found Anthony (the kids dad) and fell in love with him (not as much as I loved Neil) had the boys, left him because he was abusive.
Then I happened to log onto myspace one day when I was around 26 and seen a message that shocked me. It was Neil, he came round for a drink, we spoke, I cried, got upset. Found out he had a little boy. We became a couple again, secretly, hiding it from my parents. Then one night my parents heard us having sex as the bedroom window was open (haha) they broke into my house, my step dad broke his nose, my mum attacked me. Neil left the house (I don't blame him) and about an hour later my step dad was offering to take him out for a pint the following day!! (strange man)
That Christmas I planned on giving him my house key as a present (in a means to move in with me and the boys) but I never seen him for a couple of months so I got hurt again.
Things moved on, life went on, then I found out he was in jail. He messaged me on facebook randomly out the blue (I was in another relationship by now which I really didn't want to be in) and we met up for a coffee. I went to his place, we spoke, we had a cuddle, I cried, he got upset and said he felt awful for the years of shit he put me through etc....
When I ended my relationship with the other guy, I met Neil in town for a cuppa and a catch up (never meaning for anything to happen) and we spoke, I told him I still loved him but I was broken. He said that he couldn't get me out his mind. We started dating again (well he was on a 7am to 7pm curfew so our form of 'dating' was me going to his house and watching movies and having snuggles).
it went on like that for a little while, then I found out he was seeing someone else. her name was Kay. he removed me from facebook and wouldn't talk to me, so I thought fuck it. This was only this year. I found some guy on a dating site (nothing sexual) and he came round for a chat (james) and found out he knew Neil. James came round for a bit and hung out, then through him I made the most amazing friends ever. Dan, Jack, Anth, Dave, Lee, and the rest I can't think of at this present moment in time. I was partying with the guys, having fun, actually forgetting about Neil for a while.
Whilst partying with the guys one night I get a phone call from Neil, we were all drunk and full of cocaine, we went to Neils house. I kinda stayed in the kitchen as I felt really awkward, he came out to talk, I got upset, he was still seeing Kay but that night we had sex. he told me he would always love me.
I spoke to him on occasion, asking how he was and I hoped life was going ok for him etc.. I went out for my birthday, got wasted, he text me, I got upset, he came round my house and planted the biggest bombshell ever. He got Kay pregnant. This hurt me deeply, when we were together we were planning on saving up to get my tubes untied and to try for a baby. We were planning on getting married, then I found out he got engaged to Kay 6 weeks after I found out he cheated on me with her.
Anyways, I left him alone, I picked up the pieces of my heart (not for the first time) and focused on my boys, taking them out, having fun, playing computer games, watching movies etc...
Then a couple of months ago I got an email. He split up with Kay, he moved back to his mums house. For once, I actually felt like he regretted doing what he done to me, he seemed very remorseful. We met up for a coffee. He actually cried, he said he didn't realize how much I was there for him and how much I stood by him until now.
It's weird, we meet up once a week, have food, talk and snuggle on the sofa. The whole reason that it is different this time is because I'm the one NOT doing the running. He's doing the chasing, he's the one that has to prove his love to me.
We exchange messages on facebook every day, he tells me he was stupid and he's so glad I forgave him and he's gonna make it up to me, even dedicated a song to me. (this is his form of romance and I thinki it's quite sweet lol)
I guess it just feels weird being told of someone that's hurt you so much in the past how much they love you. I can feel myself falling hard for him again but I am trying and struggling to keep my emotions in check. It's difficult, and I do love him with every ounce of my being.
I just hope that 'this' time things will be different, they certainly feel a LOT different than previous times. it is really hard to explain.
This is one message from him.
i'm extremely sorry for the way i was today i really don't want anyone seeing me this way, but if i need a shoulder it's you i need baby and i'm sorry for this cos it hurts me to let you see me this way. i know these are just words but i've hurt u so much and you've always been there for me like no-one else ever has and for this I PROMISE THINGS WILL COME GOOD i know it's gonna take ages but you've got my heart and i don't ever want to give anybody that again, but I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT CLARE it's just gonna take a while cos i don't know where i am with myself and you can see this so i don't want to be dependant or depended on cos i don't know how to deal with that now. please believe me when i say my heart my soul my mind and especially my handsome chappie are yours but please bear with me gorgeous. yours forever ....Neil :-)xXx
he has never ever spoke to me like that before, EVER!
Anyways, enough of my drivel. I love him, I'd walk to the end of the world and back again for him. I just hope that this time round I don't get hurt.
I guess I can be called 'alternative', I guess I can be called 'a freak' but for all of those people who label people like myself, they need to realize that it is the people like 'us' who give up our seats on the bus for the elderly, it's people like 'us' who will open the door for when you wish to get past with the pushchair, it's people like us who always say please and thank you. Don't judge, don't discriminate, just accept. That is all we ask.
So one guess who is back on the scene. Came creeping back into my life on his hands and knees begging. it's funny though, I've met him after the heart ache he caused and even though I still love him dearly, sometimes so much it hurts, I met him and for the first time in 13 years I actually thought to myself 'why do I still have feelings for you?'
So now I'm at the predicament. Do I continue on with this and try again (for the umpteenth time) or do I let him go and never love anyone as much I love him!
Decisions, decisions!
This song kinda sums it all up
Lyrics
If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude, It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you. So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger?
Oh, I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, But I was wrong. I was wrong. If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie, Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used, But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger?
And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger?
You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger?
brindle bitch 10 weeks old ^-^ can't wait yeah 
