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mergaf2001's Journal
Ian's journal
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Thoughts and feelings
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November 09, 2008, 11:50:am
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“Thoughts and feelings”
I lay here all alone in my room thinking of how my life should be. I should be out there making and living and I’m not. All my friends from school went to college and I stayed here in my home town. All I can see is nothing but boredom. When I say I should get off my ass and do something about it and then worry about if I’ll make something or not, I mean that’s what life is about, finding your place in it. and I don’t think I have found my place yet. I’ve lived in this town for 27 years and I have gained and lost friends. Now I hardly have any friends in real life. I have friends I care about and love online than where I am right now. I wish some were here then I’d have something better to do but they either live in Cali., PA, AZ, NH, Ind., u name it but probably when some of u read this, some of u will know who you are. I also hate being single. Half of you know me too well and the other half know me somewhat, but I want to explore my limits and have fun. I’m not having fun here. I also want to find someone for once that I will want to be in a long term relationship. Some know how I feel and some don’t, but I don’t say because its better to actually see what happens. That's all I can do and so I just want out of this nightmare I feel I’m in. I’ve helped my gram for 2 years going on 3, so its about time to move. I believe I'll know when I have decided to go and if I do then I think I’ll be happier than I am now. I love some of you as very best friends and then others I could love but can’t tell because you can’t tell how it is online, until you meet and see what actually happens with a person in my book. I just want out and I want someone to make me happy rather than me being lonely for so long and everything, so I think to find them or have them be able to find me, I have to get out of here and go somewhere I can be happy. If some of you don’t want that then sorry I want that because I just dislike it here. Morely, I have nothing going on here in my life right now and want someday to actually able to sit down and settle right there and be happy, even if its by myself or with someone, it doesn't bother me. Either way, I think I’ll have done something right in my life so I guess we'll see what happens soon. I have a few things I may look into here if not, I may just wake up one morning grab whatever I need and just go and see where the road leads me. If its to the right place I want to be, I’ll have a new life there and settle in and make new friends and find a job. I really hope I can do that because I don’t want to lay here, just playing on the PC and wasting time laying around when I’m still young. We only live once, and I believe that is to have fun. That’s why I live my life with no regrets and if you're asking why I use that quote, it is because if you don’t live your life to the fullest then what’s the point if being alive? If you are so closed up and not willing to go out into the living world and be someone, (some of you don’t want to be someone or don’t know what you want to be yet, and some of you just hate life period so you just want to die). I think the people that want to die are a waste of flesh in a human body because in the end, they could be someone even if they don’t want to be or try. We all try, we fail, yeah, that’s life so go live it while you can. That’s what I’m going to do. I don't care about what some of you think and some, I do care, for the simple fact that you are my friends. I never neglect my friends. I cherish some people and some I just don’t get along with. That’s how I feel right now.
Mood: sleepy
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"specail person"
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March 23, 2008, 09:25:pm
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Yeah I know its life to love, feel, hate, hurt, be happy, angry, etc. but when u get close to people no matter weather its 3 days to months that u’ve known them ur just drown to them for some odd reason and u don’t know why but the past week I found someone that could have been something idk maybe the future will tell but that person made me smile so much , laugh my head off, made me have goose bumps, made all my pain my sorrow go away and everything and I’m just thinking of that person while I lay here crying and listening to night wish, which is a good band by the way I hope I’ll let u read this if u message me bye mail or my address but hope to hear from u soon but everything in life does revolve around some type of thing or person because if it didn’t we’d be either dead, depressed and everything but when u find that person u think that’s everything and when u have to let go of that person it feels like a part of u left when they go but that’s life for u even if they are friends, family, close friends, or girl friend or boy friend, or a loved one but weather they move or die or relationship type and everything its hard when those type leave u and u either never get to actually get to say ur good bye ur final far well to that person but u know they are either up there listening to u now talk about them or either somewhere in the world they can here u but all u here is a noise in ur ear but u don’t know who is talking about u weather its good or bad but some if u really care so much for a person maybe in time they both will come together and actually be one with each other for longing them in each others arms and then smiling at them and then kissing passionately and then be off ur marry way but sometimes u can’t because u miss that person so much or u just want them so bad but that’s life all u can do is wait and see what happens in life for that special person u desire it may not be her or him and it maybe her or him but all u can do is wait and see because u can’t see the future u need to live it breath it and see from ur stand point of view and see ur own life to then end and once u happy and everything don’t let it go embraces it and don’t be afraid if u do then it will not work out once ur afraid and everything then either one the person will feel like something’s wrong and may not but its all about how u honestly feel towards that person but hey its life u have to live it to feel hurt and pain if u couldn’t feel it then that’s got to suck for whoever can’t but yeah that’s my story.
Mood: content
Music: none
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dream i had
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December 28, 2007, 05:24:pm
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“Christmas dreams”
I lay here on Christmas Eve, half awake, half asleep. Thinking and dreaming as I fall asleep. It feels like the next morning where I wake up and then get ready for Christmas and everything. I go out and see that certain family members have shown up and I say "Merry Christmas" to them all, then go up stairs to grab a bite of breakfast. I go back in my room, eat, then bring my plate up and finish getting ready to join everyone in the living room, to open presents. I sit down in the chair and then people start passing presents around, but this time it was not passed to me, it was handed to me by someone I felt like I knew but I could not make out the face. All I could see was the glare of her eyes and hearing her say "here u go" and then sits next to me while I open it. I see its angel with a bell on it saying "I love u" from i dont know because I can’t see the name. I look at her and see her smile at me and I say "thank you" and hug her. Then for some reason I grab something behind the chair I sat in and give her a present as I try to think of what I got her for a gift. She opens it and it’s a big picture of us together kissing, as a momentum moment in our lives. Then I get more presents but she goes and gets them for me. I open them and they're more pictures of us at Fourth of July that my mom took of us. I ask myself "why am I getting pictures of us and not clothing, a hat or a game? It's showing me that in time I’ll see who those pictures are of but every time I looked at her I could not get who it was but it is someone I know very closely. I hope as time passes by I’ll know but I guess all I can do is be confused by this dream and where it leads to, but as I finish my last present I get woken up by my cousins saying "wake up, time to open presents." I got up and thought it was real when it wasn’t. I go out, look in the living room and don’t see anybody except the certain people that came for Christmas. I go back in my room, tell them I’ll be out in a second and so I say to myself "that was a weird dream" but I hope someday I can have that for real and see those pictures I saw come true. That is my wish upon this year; is next year I hope to myself I find that person in that picture.
Mood: sad, depressed, lonely. etc.
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