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Deeper Than I Can Even Understand
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July 20, 2009, 09:43:pm
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this is what it does to you
sometimes i think so deeply i forget who i am, why i'm here, and wonder why everything is the way it is. infinity frustrates me. death frustrates me. i'm not a frustrated person. I always forgive. But it kills me that I can never forget. It eats me up inside, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. The memories. The monster. That fucking monster pulls on my heart and tangles in my brain and makes me do bad things. The feelings. The smoke. The cutthroat smoke is bottled up inside me ready to explode. Inhale exhale, it's all I can do. all i think about even. Such slippery friends slide away and my little hands have trouble holding on. Sometimes I look at them with such new eyes, and I can’t remember who they are anymore. theres a fire in my head burning every ghost of sanity. i'm so confused. i'm never confused. foul creatures gnaw at my wit and try my patience. my bones soften. they are weak. my trembling knees accentuate my susceptible core. my hollow eyes. the threadbare words of pain and desolation are entangled in the web of cursed lyrics. they float through my mind, taunting the feelings i've become so distant to. staining them with lies of lust and force. i am damned.
i'm hating this
"You're a robot," he says. "You're a mindless drone. A puppet." Oh, how he wants me to speak my mind. And I, being the deepest thinker, sit in silence. My mind so empty I can hear his words echo in my skull. I am so lost. I search for words, only to find a hole where all my thoughts were drained. My poor head. Worn down by cuel thoughts and negative opinions. How could he do this to me? I freeze. I mutter. He becomes restless. I become numb. Why is this happening to me? I have lost a sense of perception. My eyes stare, yet I see nothing. My heart pounds, yet I feel nothing. My brain screams the answers to my questions, but abused ears only hear so much. Hurt by the world around them, they trust nothing. What has come over me? I'm suffocating myself. He told me to let go, but I won't ever let go. No, not for him. Letting things go means letting things in, and that makes me vulnerable. I spent years building these walls inside my mind, and no boy will ever make me tear down my only defense.
He left me. I hold myself in fear that I may just fall apart. I tell myself to think. to speak. to be heard. I can't do this. I'm a mindless drone, I should feel no pain. Shut me down, I'm done here. You humans twisted my wires and pressed all my buttons. Find my switch before I self-destruct.
Anxiety
I've lost my ability to find the truth and sincerity in people's hearts. I wish I never learned to look past what everyone else sees. I wish I have never felt this undesirable feeling. The one I get when I stare in a mirror too long and wonder who I am. What makes me, me? Maybe I'm someone else. Maybe this is a dream. Too many questions. I feel so small and I can't seem to see anything. Nothing is real. It's such a raw feeling, I wish to have never of felt it. I've thought myself out of reality, and into something new. Things are no longer real or unreal. Here or there. I'm not sure what they are. People seem so different now. I could never trust them. It's not a bad thing. They are only humans. All different thoughts. I know what I want, and I don't know what they want. How can I trust those I don't know. I don't know anyone. You assume they think like you do, but they don't. You don't think like me. I don't think like you. We all try to relate and find ourselves in everyone else, but we never will. This is scaring me. I'm a little girl. This is too much to handle. I'm forcing ideas on myself that I can't find answers too. Never ending anxiety that one day I'll find an answer, and everything will turn to nothing. My voice will die and everything will dissapear. A question driving me crazy with an answer I'm scared I will find. What is this life we live on earth? What is inside me that makes me feel like this? A soul? What a commercial illusion. Don't tell me you understand, I'll never believe it. Tell me your just as lost as I am.
Mood: blank
Music: manchester orchestra
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