Hi guys! It's been a miserable couple of weeks for my friend and I due to finals and people, so we decided to try to distract ourselves with these two websites.
you should check us out, we'll have more posted as our frustrations grow, and subscribe. Thanks!
Obviously everyone likes to win, but I usually am not competitive except for my passion of debate. There I don't have to listen to stupid ad hominem attacks nor do I have to listen to badly-researched, ignorant personal beliefs. Instead, we lay out the whole world and beat each other down with the politics and ontology of various experts.
Doesn't sound that much fun, but I've been debating for 5 years now. Though I'm still a baby because I'm a freshmen in college, my partner and I just won the ADA National Championship for JV division....which means that next year, we'll be in Varsity and kicking ass. Soooooo much effort got put into preparing for this. We missed our spring breaks, we're super behind on class work, AND we're probably 2 weeks behind on sleep....but I think it's worth it.
Winning nationals is always a good feeling. Mood: Excited
I got into Harvard, I go to Vanderbilt. I'm on a full ride scholarship others would kill for. So why is it that I can't understand anything? I get all of the chances in the world and I never see them until they're gone. I end up hurting others when I just want to help them. Really there seems to be no real value in everything I know. Why can't someone teach me? I feel like I let my world down today. So remind me again why we value the things we do?
I ruin honesty. I choose not to believe in the things worth believing in. I really am just constantly surrounded by my own fears. It's painful to be here but maybe it's where I'm meant to be.
Those times I lapse into denial are really just awful times for me. It always happens right before something important too, and I always end up getting screwed over. This time though, it's a little better and I was able to catch myself. Thankfully I'm not insane, but the fact I'm still unstable makes it difficult for me to comprehend everything that's going on. Every time this happens I start wanting people to lie to me. I don't know why. It's just.....a need. Like a little game where I know I'll get hurt. It helps remind me that the world is still there, and I haven't lost everything yet. Plus if I can't feel pain then things REALLY get scary. I expect everyone to betray me eventually, and the longer they make me wait for the backstabbing to happen, the more uneasy I feel. What an awful way for me to see people though. I really should learn to trust again. It's all his fault. Being ignorant was fine. Loving through ignorance was fine too. Now everything's just a joke. Honestly, it's been so long and this is still going. Someone should give him an award. I've been fucked over royally. Mood: Distressed
Though I'm perfectly content with the life I have now, I feel that this perfection is almost fake. Vanderbilt offers so much of what society idealizes, and it has so much of what I want most: intelligence, civility, culture, power (yes, I am power-hungry, and I damn well want to rule the world). I always think back about how lucky I am to have been accepted at all, and on top of that, given such a prestigious scholarship, but lately it feels as though I'm missing a part of myself.
The problem is that there was always a dichotomous nature to how I behaved, and without both sides, I feel dull and boring. It was obvious from the first day I would never be the classic "Vanderbilt girl" since I'm not a white, southern beauty, but at the same time, I wasn't that desperate to want to become one. What's frustrating is that the edgier side of me is being completely bored to death with the high-society, posh scene. While I appreciate frats and well-groomed guys and gals as much as the next person, I miss seeing people in torn jeans and messy hair. Also, a piercing and tattoo here and there wouldn't hurt either! I almost feel like I'm being forced into a cookie-cutter outcome where the paycheck is fucking enormous but the trade-off is spontaneity and intensity. I miss having a little bit of the "darker-side" to balance out so much "Perfection".
I must sound spoiled, whining about something others would kill for, but I guess I'm just never satisfied (wow I sound high-maintanence. this is why nobody dates me eh? haha).
Still, what can I do? This oppression is going to drive me to do something insane and I'll probably regret it, but I realize that there's not a lot of room for mistakes here, so it's stressing me out doubly now. Grrrr Mood: Worn-out
