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graelston's Journal
im so high right now, it should be illegal
"Who lives longer: the man who takes heroin for two years and dies, or the man who lives on roast beef, water and potatoes till ninety-five? One passes his twenty-four months in eternity. All the years of the beef-eater are lived only in time." -- Aldous Huxley
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can't.
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October 15, 2008, 02:22:am
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cant find a job.
cant find a roommate.
cant keep friends.
cant make new ones.
cant make enough money.
cant find happieness.
cant regain what i've lost.
cant talk to the one person i need to most.
cant find love.
cant win at life.
cant be happy.
cant understand why.
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mistake
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October 06, 2008, 03:02:pm
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i was driving to work this morning, and i re-stumbled across a realization-
my whole life has been a mistake.
my whole life has been mistake, after mistake, after mistake.
my mother mistakenly got pregnant with me, and mistakenly didnt have an abortion- her mother had recently died, and she wanted to be able to try and re-create what she had lost.
she married my father only to give me a father. she's told me on more than one occassion that she only married hime because she didnt want me to be "one of those kids". she's in a marriage she doesnt even particularly want to be in, because of me. she's even told me about an instance when i was 3, when she packed up all our stuff, and drove us around for hours. she mistakenly asked me whether or not ":we should leave daddy?"
being 3, i said yes. so the past 17 years, and 2 more kids later, she's still with him, and it's still my fault.
everything i do, i do wrong. it's mistake after mistake, after mistake.
friends i've chosen [dont get me wrong- i have a few good ones], jobs i've taken, wrong decison after another, after another, after another. mistakes i've made in relationships; my ability to be a friend when i need you, but the second you need me, i drop everything. run away. i depend on people, but the second someone needs to depend on me, i turn tail and run.
if i had "mistakenly" gotten into a horrific accident on the way to work today, and hadnt survived, i would have been okay with that.
i suppose im what you would call "passively suicidal".
if i die, great. if i dont, i'll just suffer till i do.
dont get me wrong, i dont plan on taking my own life, but if i were to get into somekind of accident-
i'd be okay with that.
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October 03, 2008, 01:19:pm
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days like today make me wish i'd gotten into a 10 car pile-up on my way to work and died instantly
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claws
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September 30, 2008, 12:31:pm
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i woke up this morning, and my hands were filled with fluid and pain.
i wish arthritis didnt strike until a minimum age of 59.
i dread the day i wake up, and my hands are bent into swollen claws, like my
aunt linda's. her joints are so swollen and misshapen, each joint is at least as big around as my thumbs. gnarled, grisly things.
unable to make a full grip around a coffee cup.
unable to light a cigarette.
days where it's so bad, you cant even zip up your own pants.
if it ever gets that bad, they better have come up with bionic hands.
cuz i'll be cutting those fuckers off.
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