Thinking sucks major balls when you're in my head.
April 19, 2012, 10:43:pm
Do you really want to know how much I hate myself when I start thinking?
I hate myself so much that I think I'm just a worthless piece of shit that is doomed to wander this tiny corner of New York state with no real purpose in life. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade. The facade of me being the calm and collected person that you guys know as Baldy. I cover up my own feelings so much so that even I don't know what I'm feeling. I hate feeling like that. I hate not being able to tell if what I'm feeling when I meet someone new is genuine or not.
I want to be able to tell everyone that I'm around on a daily basis that I'm not okay. I want to be able to express what I really am. But until I figure out who I am, and what I'm supposed to be....that won't happen anytime soon.
............I guess I just need to get out of New York for a while. Or at least out of this part of New York. Mood: Down Music: Make it stop(Septembers children) - Rise Against
Why do we make ourselves vulnerable to people who we know are going to screw us over in the end?
One would think that after 19 relationships, I would be more careful about who I let close to me. I can't keep doing this shit. The stress it's causing me is actually starting to physically hurt me. No wonder people kill themselves...to get rid of the stress. If someone can come talk to me and get me to have a renewed outlook on life...I'll give them whatever they want, provided it doesn't include anything sharp. Mood: Blah.
This is something that hasn't happened to me in quite a while. Me being awake at 6:45 am, unable to sleep. I think that the last time this happened, I was living in Oswego trying to get to sleep on a school night. Now that I'm graduated...I find that it is much easier to go to sleep after being up for 16 hours. But when I've been up for less than 12, it's a bit hard for me to go to sleep.
So here I sit, waiting for the wall of sleep to hit me so i can get some sleep, so i don't go to work like a zombie. If anyone that is still up wants to talk to me....feel free to chat away.
