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darkrula's Journal
oh, journals have names?
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy ...
My journal. All the things i cant tell people when talking to them + all the shit going down in my life.
I also post my lyrics here. So yea :D
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wowm long time no journal entry.
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July 12, 2008, 12:01:am
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hm, so my last entry was in march 02.
man, that was a long time ago.
A lot has happened since then, like... a lot a lot.
I had a boyfriend for a little bit. unfortunately, he was one of my mates, and when i realised i still like someone else, we distanced, im so stupid. I was the one who ended it, and i felt like shit.
Then, eventually, we started having these little annoying fights. He was the on in control, and i felt like shit.
It made me so angry at how much he had moved on, i was nothing anymore.
however, somehow, we left it on a good note. Hes now gone for a while, and i wont be able to talk to him for ages, but the last conversation we had wasnt a bad one, and im happy about that.
i now, currently, like no one. its a weird feeling, im so used to having a bunch of emotions for someone, or having this weird warm and close feeling for some people. now i feel distanced with everyone.
I dont hang around people as much. I know ill eventually be rejected by them. I recently broke down, and had 68395436098 parts of me screaming in my mind. this was about a week ago, it was also theday i told myself God dosnt exist, because if he did, i wouldnt be here.
I hated everyone and their bullshit. i felt close to no one. i have friends, but in a sense, i dont feel them at all. i might as well say i dont have friends, because all the people i felt for, are living in the past.
Ive been on search for someone special, i want to have that happy ending. I know the type of guy i want, but i know all too well he cant exist. Ive talked to my counsellor, he knows who im in search for, and he thinks its a smart idea for me. I dont want to be with anyone my own age anymore, no guys with the maturity of my age. Im more mature than all the shit they throw at me. Im sick of them using the "l" word on me. Please, dont bother, dont use that word unless your sure its true. PLEASE.
the nonsense people my age do.
where not quite adults, and we're not quite children. at the moment we're all like stupid tools, with out stereotypes, and false love.
i wish i could go back. Im so bored with life, so sick of looking at people and thinking, where did everyone go.
Im in a continous haze, where nothing seems real, and everything seems like a dream.
Im longing for an adventure, but adventures dont happen! i have to make them up. But, im thinking, maybe i should go on a student exchange for a year?
Its been messing with my head, if i go for a year, its free, how great, but ill be missing a year with my mates, and ill have to be kept down. Ill miss the deb, assuring id even to the deb, and ill see people i care about in my year level, just causally pass me by, and forget me. ill soon be "zoe clare" "who? OH! yeah, i remember her."
i dont want that
im scared of that
im so scared of life after school.
But im also scared OF school.
oh man, i sound like a whimp.
The screaming voices in my head have thrown so much shit out at me, like why did everyone grow up, why am i so different, why am i the only one i know who still dreams, and imagines things, and why am i by myself? why am i alone? and why do i notice the shit in this world more than anyone else?
Does God exist? Is there really hell and heaven? a voice inside me kept telling me yes, it was gut feeling that brought me back to being christian, but in tha whole time of not being sure, and giving up the "christian" name, it made me realise a whole lot more about myself.
I hate that word still. "christian" i hate that stereotype. that judgemental stereotype. its not what "christian" is supposed to be about at all, people soild the word christian. srsly.
But all well. I know the meaning. and rightnow, im all on my own, so i dont care what anybody else thinks. Ive become so much more indapendant. im not going to confine in everyone. im not going to show anything on the outside, and im going to be zoe. the person who cares for so many, but isnt cared by anyone else.
at least, not the way i care about them. they will never know the feeling, and now, not even i get that feeling for someone.
My friends now are all fictional, my book characters, my manga characters.
maybe, thats who ill ever have. maybe im meant to be alone for the rest of my life. maybe i was meant to write stories for everyone elses enjoyment, and live a life of solitude?
i dont want that. i mean, i want to write stories, but what about that band? what about that boy?
i guess, i cant get everything i want.
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Oh dear.
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March 02, 2008, 12:38:am
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kay, so im not as angry anymore now. Which is good because i litrally thought i was about to snap.
But life still isnt treating me so good rightnow.
ive been acting happy al year so far, telling people im good nd shit. But idno, im not.
Im starting to accept all the bad things that have happened so far this year, which is good i guess.
Just hopefully nothing else would hit me.
If things keep going like this, i might just survive this year.. just XD
All this has started up because of me liking guys, Like liking liking XD
Its so stupid!
After seeing my counsellor i realised how fucked up i really am. I dont like the idea of having so many friends. I miss having only two close mates at school, and not being really close with anyone else.
it was simple, and i liked it. Its what ive been used to for ages. And although i hate being bullied and put down, now i realise that it was a good thing. I was different, and thats why they did it. And id rather people give me shit for being someone i am, than people like me for someone im not.
I like not being friends with everyone, and i actually miss it.
But i cant go back now, because now that ive become closer to all these amazing people, i cant pull apart from them.
haha
im toooooo weird i think.
last year shouldve been the best year for me ever because i wasnt getting bullied, and people started to like me.
But no, it was not.
:/
oh well
thats life i guess.
cant always get what you want
but i guess sooner or later i will grow up
and ill be dying alone.
then ill be wishing i was back in this position.
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February 02, 2008, 05:29:am
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update on whats going down
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so much
yesterdya was my birthday
but i spent most of that night up thinking
i hardly sleep anymore, my minds is always wondering off places, i think so deep into things
and sometimes i just make up my own world, its as i im dreaming, but im awake. just thinking up amazing things where the one i want mosts wants me back.
silly yea? haha.
things are getting harder, i desperately want this to be a good year for me, this is gonna be MY year. but so far its seemed to have already been pulled to peices, things have already changed s much. i cant deal with change, not when it involves the people who are so so important to me. i cant stand another one leaving me. i just cant do it.
i cant be close to another guy again, its too hard. i tried moving on and that lead to more troubles. and i cant deal with getting to attached to another person, there are 3 people in my life who i guess i cant even imagine living life without, its just impossible, and i dont have room for another one, it would tear be up even moreso.
i cant believe what just went down, i was screwed over again. ive become so angry, ive been bottling it all for 15 years (15 since yesterday  ) and its lead me to this, where i just dont know about anything, im not sure if im going to fogive him, i usually forgive people, and move on, but i dont think i can do it this time, i cant let people think they can fuck me over again and again and get away with it. i wont be subjected to being 'weak'.
i wont cry
i wont run
i wont die
the end.
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