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chumpz's Journal
Satanic Butterfly
Queen of the Rants...dont waste those 3 minutes of your life reading my petty contributions
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Self Vent
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October 22, 2008, 06:10:am
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hhhmmmmm I dunno but for some random reason tonight, just felt like writing...although not really sure what about...
Except to say I'm alive - still out there, still breathing and thinking need to come back into vf in a big way. When I stopped it...felt like a part of me was missing. Not there. Not whole.
Keep swinging in and out of depression. Some days are awesome and others...well are just plain terrible. Most notable when I'm out with a bunch of people that I know. Does that sound weird or what? Like when I go out to a party or have coffee with a group of people, I feel like the loneliest person there. I can't explain it. Would almost perfer my own isolation then to be put through that. The only way I can try to put words it to, is perhaps they're just terrible reminders. Reminders of who I am or what I used to be.
I'm just in a period of my life where I feel people are so fake. Me probably being the biggest of them all. I mean you be kind to them, listen to them and what's going on in their lives. But are you ever really listening to a single damned word they're saying? In a single conversation I ask a person a lot of questions, probably not to hear them but so I don't have to hear myself! I sit there and look and them and compare. To me it feels like everyone's got it going. Got some sort of balance or awesome attribute. I wish I was them in one way or another. My confidence is shot and has been for a long time. Not sure whenever it happened...probably when I moved to Australia and became a no body.
Went from being that straight A student, confident, sexy, goal ambitious to well...its opposite. A lot of things could explain that I suppose age and more wisdom being one of them. I used to look at life as so wonderful, so beautiful, so alive. But now...well, I think reality sort of set it. Life aint' so great - its hard and a struggle. I wake up every morning wondering why. Why do I bother? Why do I bother getting up, why do I bother getting dressed, why do I bother getting out there and facing life? I just don't see a point...There is just going to be more struggle and more stress the further I carry it out
You could probably say I'm one of the more fortunate people alive. I'm white (not to sound racist but frankly yes it has a lot of opportunities others don't get), I'm well eduacated, healthy, have a loving family that supports me, and some great experiences from having traveled all over the world. But no. We don't think of these things do we. We think of what we're not or what we don't have. We're not thankful enough. Just a combination of these things alone should make me jump for joy, spin around, all that shit. Gah, it makes me feel like a terrible person. A terrible human being. Thousands, no sorry, MILLIONS of people would literally die for what I have. Yet I could practically just throw it all in their face because I'm selfish.
For this I hate myself.
Mood: Selfish
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...
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August 07, 2008, 09:55:am
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fuck
im lost
im fading
im hurting
who the hell am I kidding
im gone
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Bagel and...?
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May 26, 2008, 08:56:am
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Mmm this morning, like most mornings I woke up to a craving for a toasted bagel. Only this time I was feeling a little adventurous...today I contemplated to try something different instead of just the usual cream cheese. Seeing that there was an avacado starting to really ripen in my fruit bowl, I decided to whack it on my little doughy delight. One word - wow. Maybe not the most creative experiment but definitely a pleasure to the tastebuds
How do you like your bagel?
Mood: hungry
Music: simply red
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Love through a different perspective
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April 03, 2008, 10:43:am
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Tonight, as I usually do, I was watching a late night movie. This evening's selection was the 2004 version of "Employee of the Month" starring Matt Matt Dillan and Christina Applegate.
One word to describe it -
Brilliant
What starts off to be a pretty average script, spins into an amazing web of intricate plotlines. Now I'm not wanting to ruin the ending here, but I will say this. The way things wrapped up was done better then Xmas gift wrapping at Nordstrom 
Anyways, thats besides the reason why I'm posting this journal. I would like to comment on a particular dialogue in the movie that caught my attention. It was the interaction between David (Matt Dillan) and his friend, Jack, whilst they were sitting in a seedy strip club.
It goes a little something like this:
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JACK: Love is like Bigfoot, it’s a myth people like to believe in. Turns up to be bullshit against scientific scrutiny. Love is a con that women came up with to try to explain the chemical reactions in men’s brains that make us physiologically unable to stay with them forever. Fact, men and women’s brains are different. The perfect example, I’m banging a chick and I deliver the payload. What happens?
Answer: roll over and fall asleep. See man’s brain shoots him a natural tranquilizer when he gets off. Tryptophan (sedative). So he can’t help but roll over and fall asleep. Chicks hate us more in many ways. Why? Because, when they cum they want to chit chat, cuddle, feng shui the god damn living room. Why? Oxytocin. It’s a bonding chemical It’s a natural stimulant, gets them high as a Japanese kite. You know what the fucked up part is, the longer they stay with the same guy, the more secure they feel.
The more secure. The more their brain squirts. The more their brain squirts, the more of a habit they have. Its natures way of getting chicks hooked on their to their own snatch match.
Love is just a chick’s menstrual hallucination brought on by a tragic side effect of nature’s natural selection. That’s why not now nor will you ever be in love. Bigfoot.
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Haha while on one hand I found it to be quite vulgar, on the other hand I found it to be quite hilarious. Those who have seen the movie will notice that I did elimate parts of David's script to make sure I got all (or pretty close to) of Jack's rant.
Now.
The question I pose to you lovely readers out there - Im assuming will be far and few between, but I could be surprised - is WHAT do you think of this statement? Do you believe that Jack is telling the honest to God truth (in a completely digusting yet refreshing manner) OR do you really believe in love?
While I'm still evaluating my opinion on the matter, I'd be interested to hear what you think.
All I can say is that for now is that I'm seeing love through a different perspective.
Mood: Contemplative
Music: Beethoven's 5th Symphony
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