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christinaxcomatose's Journal
The Sins of Christina Black
The Sins of Christina Black is a movie about BDSM, apparently...
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November 20, 2008, 05:50:pm
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Live, love, loose, carry on.
Breathing underwater
Is supposed to feel better than this...
(I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've lied.)
Hate the sin, not the sinner.
I am the angel you sanctify in your bed...
I fall to the floor.
And you desecrated me.
She's born to mesmerize.
Anyways...
I collapsed 2x this week. It was so weird.
Like, first time, it was the morning, I was brushing my hair, getting ready for school. And I started seeing black spots, and felt myself falling... And then I found myself on the floor twenty minutes later.
Same thing today, except I was not brushing my hair. I was standing in my room.
And now I'm going back to the doctor's to tell them this is happening and to see what's wrong with me.
Poopy.
Probably stress-related. It'd suck if it turned out I had cancer or AIDS or something.
Well I doubt it's AIDS because I was tested yesterday, and I was tested a few weeks before that (That's what happens when you sleep with an admitted blood fetishist. You get tested for AIDS, a lot.) and it came back negative. I guess it's still likely, cause that shit can hide in your body for a while before it shows up in tests.
But I think it's stress-related.
I hope it's stress-related...
D=
Mood: none
Music: Sexplosion! -- My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
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Heartbroken...
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November 19, 2008, 06:21:pm
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November 18, 2008, 03:59:pm
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chrissiblackx (3:05:59 PM): Oh, and I still have your book. Since I know how important it is to you, if you want me to bring it to you or come get it, tell me when. If you want to avoid contact, then I'll just stick it in the mail. Either way, tell me what to do with it?
goateemcyeti (3:06:23 PM): No, hun. I'm not avoiding you. What's wrong?
Auto Response from chrissiblackx (3:06:23 PM): I might have to go back to the hospital D=
goateemcyeti (3:06:35 PM): Wait, why do you have to go to the hospital? O_O
chrissiblackx (3:06:47 PM): I've been in and out of the hospital for the last week...
goateemcyeti (3:07:01 PM): Hun! What's wrong? Are you okay?
chrissiblackx (3:07:18 PM): Obviously not, if i've been in and out of the hospital.
goateemcyeti (3:07:43 PM): I meant are you okay "now"?
chrissiblackx (3:07:46 PM): For starters: Did I leave my inhaler at your house? I left you emails, messages, ect trying to ask... But you never replied...
chrissiblackx (3:08:06 PM): Again, obviously not, if I'm thinking about going back to the hospital...
goateemcyeti (3:08:20 PM): Oh, no. You left a Hello Kitty Alarm Clock, a Hello kitty compact thing, and a tiara.
goateemcyeti (3:08:27 PM): No inhaler from what I've seen.
chrissiblackx (3:08:31 PM): Alright
goateemcyeti (3:08:37 PM): What hospital are you going to?
goateemcyeti (3:08:41 PM): Can I visit you?
chrissiblackx (3:09:30 PM): Milford... But I don't know if I want to go. It's honestly not worth it. The prescription I'd be put on is really fucking me up. Like, it's either I'm asthmatic, or I'm mildly suicidal.
chrissiblackx (3:09:55 PM): I think I'm going to take the asthma over the side effects of the drug.
goateemcyeti (3:10:01 PM): How long are you going to be there?
chrissiblackx (3:10:12 PM): Well, if i go, probably overnight again. But I don't know if I want to.
goateemcyeti (3:10:19 PM): Milford General?
chrissiblackx (3:10:39 PM): Yeah. But again, I probably will not go. I guess it depends on how i am in a few hours.
chrissiblackx (3:10:43 PM): Anyways
goateemcyeti (3:11:05 PM): No, hun. I'm not ignoring you. I've just been trying to catch up.
goateemcyeti (3:11:16 PM): I still don't have a job, and I've been freaking out lately.
chrissiblackx (3:11:18 PM): Rather then explain it to you, I wrote a blog about it on my myspace. So if you want to know, read that i guess.
chrissiblackx (3:11:23 PM): Yeah I actually have to talk to you.
goateemcyeti (3:11:28 PM): Okay.
chrissiblackx (3:11:48 PM): Sunday night, I had a friend tell me "Add amanda c... on facebook."
chrissiblackx (3:11:56 PM): So I did.
chrissiblackx (3:11:57 PM): And
chrissiblackx (3:12:05 PM): Thanks for telling me you had a girlfriend.
goateemcyeti (3:12:30 PM): That was not even a week ago. It's happened within this week.
chrissiblackx (3:12:36 PM): Look.
chrissiblackx (3:12:42 PM): I'm not really happy about this.
chrissiblackx (3:13:05 PM): I actually wrote you a long message in an offline IM which you obv. did not get... Hence, why I said "If you want to avoid all contact..."
chrissiblackx (3:14:08 PM): Or, you're getting it now, cause you're unresponsive.
goateemcyeti (3:14:26 PM): No, sorry I was reading your blog.
goateemcyeti (3:14:34 PM): I haven't gotten it.
chrissiblackx (3:14:53 PM): But, among other things, i really wish you good luck. Your girlfriend has a lot of issues. Everything that you clamied you did not want, you're getting.
chrissiblackx (3:15:31 PM): I know a bunch of people who know her, they do not have nice things to say about her. So I'm just a little taken aback. Why do you say one thing, and do the other..?
goateemcyeti (3:16:57 PM): I did what I did because I have a lot of mutual friends in common with her as well, and when we hang out I just felt comfortable. Not that I didn't with you, but at the same time, when we talked I was getting scared.
chrissiblackx (3:17:12 PM): Scared of what?
goateemcyeti (3:17:16 PM): We started talking about the whole blood letting idea, and it scared me a little.
chrissiblackx (3:17:20 PM): ...?
goateemcyeti (3:18:16 PM): I don't like feeling like that. To be honest, I get really scared that I'm going to lose someone when I get into blood letting with them, so in turn I push them away before it happens.
goateemcyeti (3:18:24 PM): Most of my donors never speak to me again.
chrissiblackx (3:18:32 PM): Lance, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
chrissiblackx (3:18:34 PM): Really.
chrissiblackx (3:18:46 PM): I would hope that you would have enough faith in me to trust that I say what I meant.
goateemcyeti (3:19:05 PM): I disagree. I don't like having a relationship with my donors becuase if I lose them, then I'm hooked again, and in a really bad state.
chrissiblackx (3:19:13 PM): Lance.
chrissiblackx (3:19:23 PM): The first night I met you, you told me you had a blood fetish.
chrissiblackx (3:19:42 PM): If you were going to scare me away, it would have been then, not months down the line.
goateemcyeti (3:20:14 PM): Look, Christina, this is something that I have to deal with. The things that people say to me, and what happens to me isn't what anyone can predict.
goateemcyeti (3:20:24 PM): no one really understands that.
chrissiblackx (3:20:32 PM): I'm sorry you've involved yourself with people like that.
chrissiblackx (3:20:34 PM): I really am.
goateemcyeti (3:20:47 PM): and I'm sorry that you're paying for sins of others in my past, but still.
chrissiblackx (3:20:51 PM): But I can honestly say that I am not like that.
chrissiblackx (3:21:20 PM): And I think it sucks that, right now, you have someone who's so completely right for you in every way, but you're throwing away because you're afraid.
chrissiblackx (3:22:09 PM): I can't really stress it anymore -- Lance, your bloodletting doesn't scare me. You, as a person, don't scare me. I'm not going to leave you because of some weird little kink you have.
goateemcyeti (3:22:19 PM): ...
goateemcyeti (3:22:32 PM): I'm sorry. I just need some time to think.
chrissiblackx (3:22:37 PM): There's no way else to put it.
goateemcyeti (3:22:42 PM): No, I know.
chrissiblackx (3:22:43 PM): Just
chrissiblackx (3:23:29 PM): Understand that much. You've said some weird things -- and I obviously thought nothing of them. I just feel really sorry for you. Because I know that you're making a big mistake in letting someone like me go.
goateemcyeti (3:25:30 PM): Look, I'm going to go work on some stuff. I need to think, and re-assess my mind. If you go to the hospital tonight, tell me. I'm going to be there for you. If not, then I'll try and talk to you later... I just... need to think. Just know that I react horribly to things sometimes, and no one really knows why.
chrissiblackx (3:25:43 PM): I know that you react horribly to things.
goateemcyeti (3:25:55 PM): I need to get my mind straght and figure out what I need to do.
goateemcyeti (3:26:09 PM): I'll talk to you soon, hopefully.
goateemcyeti (3:26:19 PM): Just.... be okay.
chrissiblackx (3:26:20 PM): I'm not giving you an ultimatum, by the way. I don't want you to think that -- Don't ever think that i'm forcing you to make a choice.
goateemcyeti (3:26:28 PM): I know, I know.
goateemcyeti (3:26:50 PM): If you were, you would've wored yourself differently, but ultimatums are the worst for me.
goateemcyeti (3:27:50 PM): I always take the other option at an ulitmatum because I think that people who really care would never do that to you. Which is why I knew you weren't doing that. I know you care, and I don't want you to think tht Idon't care either.
goateemcyeti (3:28:00 PM): it's just... difficult.
chrissiblackx (3:29:26 PM): Just really, I can't stress this enough. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not. I'm probably one of the only people in your life who will be there, unconditionally. I'm not going to go away because of how you act/react in a blood-letting situation -- That's stupid! You've told me all about it. I know what I'm getting myself into! And if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have pushed for info about it in conversations, ect. I just really hope you make the right choice in whatever you do... Because honestly, I don't think that girl is right for you... Everything I've heard and know, you're getting yourself into everything you don't want to have. So it's just... Weird to me, I guess, that you'd do that.
chrissiblackx (3:31:11 PM): So... Just think. And then call me if you want. But please, don't be afraid of me leaving? Because I'm not going anywhere. I promise you that much.
goateemcyeti (3:31:41 PM): Alright. and promise me that you'll let me know if you're going to the hospital. Okay?
chrissiblackx (3:32:06 PM): I don't think I'm going to go.
chrissiblackx (3:33:34 PM): I know why I'm feeling like this -- I was on a prescription and stopped it myself. Saturday night I had a breakdown of sorts... a side-effect of the medication...And then by monday, fifth day in a row without sleep, i made the descision that I can't be on something that does that to me. I'd rather die an asthmatic than an addict.
chrissiblackx (3:35:19 PM): And, if I do go back into the ER, I'm going to get a longer, stronger prescription. And it's not something I think I can handle. Like, this entire time I've been on this medicine, as I said, I've been mildly suicidal, and have come much closer to relapsing than I have in a really long time. So, like I said, better to die an asthmatic than an addict.
chrissiblackx (3:37:32 PM): So I guess that's it! Anyways, I'll talk to you later. Think, and then get back to me. Please, by the end of the night?
"and I'm sorry that you're paying for sins of others in my past, but still."
You shouldn't apologize to me.
Apologize to yourself. I'm not the one paying for anyone's sins... You are.
By allowing someone like me to slip through the cracks of your fingers.
AND JESUS CHRIST!!
The first night I met him, we were making out, and I told him flatly, "Uh, I'm not going to have sex with you, cause I'm on my period."
His response?
"It's okay!! I have a blood fetish! I'll even put on my fangs!!"
IF I WAS GOING TO GET SCARED AWAY, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THEN, NOT 2 MONTHS LATER!
dklas;zada!
REALLY!
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November 18, 2008, 03:02:pm
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After giving it some thought, and after being off the prednisone, i decided that I actually feel bad for what i said to Lance. Well it's not that I feel bad about what I said, because I meant it -- Every last word. But I think it was the way I said it. I was really mean and nasty. I think I could have been a little nicer.
But the question is, should I have been nice at all? I'm conflicted. The better part of me is saying no, you did the right thing in saying what you said the way you did -- It got the point across, it did make me feel better. But I did not say what I say in an attempt to hurt him. I am not a bitch in that way. I wanted to tell him how I felt. And I did that, but I probably did end up hurting him in the process.
Part of me says I should have been nicer. Not really nice. Just a little less nasty. Because I was. And that's not who I am. I suppose now my fear is that he thinks that I'm something I'm not -- a cold, nasty, bitch.
I think that in the long run, I did the right thing for myself. Because I said the things I said for MYSELF -- no one else.
And at the end of the day, it's not going to matter how nice I was to someone who hurt me. What's going to matter is how I feel about myself. And I feel okay.
I really feel okay.
And I have another conflict. I have a book of his that he said was really, really important to him. And I want to make sure he gets it back -- It'll clear my conscience. I don't want him to think that I'm a nasty bitch who holds shit captive out of spite.
But I don't know if I should:
1) Go to his house and just give it to him
2) Put it in the mail and call it a day
You see, with choice 2, I'm bound to be labeled a cold, impersonal bitch I think.
But I don't know if he wants to see me, so choice 1 is a tad iffy. HOWEVER I would be able to get my stuff back.
D=
idk. I'll wait until Friday and if I don't hear from him by then, I guess I'll call him and ask when/how he wants it back.
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November 18, 2008, 03:04:am
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I wish I could be sad and depressed about what happened with Lance. Because then I could use it to inspire awesome poetry.
But i have to be a stupid independent woman who's like, "WHATEVER." And moves on with life.
Gahh I wish I was screwed up.
=D
Who am I kidding? It's awesome knowing that I'm strong enough to live and let live.
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