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chrissiejacobs's Journal
chrissiejacobs journal
this is just a sad little journal, or personal on-line diary, for me of my feelings and events at this sad time in my life
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A New Little Puppy, Sheba (Two)
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September 05, 2008, 10:54:am
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My partner john has choosen a new lovely little six week old white Boxer puppy that we went to see yesterday evening and he is having her but the woman wants to keep her with her mom for another week as she is only just onto eating food and off her mom..s milk but we can have her next thursday, i know john will love her, we will love her, and she will help take off the sadness of having sheba put down on wednesday but we are still sad and we still miss sheba alot and she will not be forgotten as she ment so much to both of us and especially to john so she will always be remembered with love
Mood: sad
Music: marilyn manson
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More Sadness As Poor Sheba Put To Sleep Yesterday
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September 04, 2008, 06:54:am
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More sadness for us, even more so john, although i feel very sad as well as john..s pet Boxer dog Sheba who was thirteen went down so quickly with her health in the last few weeks and over the last couple of days that we had to have her put to sleep yesterday evening and although it was for the best how she was yesterday it just feels so sad now she has really gone, she was a lovely dog with a lovely nature and this is just a little tribute to her, R.I.P. sheba as she was a lovely pet. i am going to try to put up the last photos on john..s camera of her either today or tomorrow as they were taken over the last few days and are literally the last photos of her. i know the actual words of the song are not appropriate but i suppose as in the title of marilyn manson..s song it was her "Last Day On Earth" yesterday but it was done with the best dignity and as nicely as can be at the PDSA so in tribute to them they gave her the nicest less stressfull finish she could have and it was the best thing for her how she was yesterday but it still just feels so sad
Mood: sad
Music: marilyn manson
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Really No More Hope
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August 20, 2008, 04:57:am
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i am sorry this blog is so sad and miserable as usual but i really do feel unwell yesterday and today and i have gone as far as i can in trying to find out anymore from the NHS as i have phoned the consultant surgeons secretory on monday morning to see if my partner john could be told more for me as i am too scared to go but she has not even bothered to reply to the message on her message machine and there is nothing i can do under legal aid with a solicitor and i am too scared to go any farther in case the threat to force treatment on me comes up again and i really feel too unwell now to face that threat again and it seems they are determined not to give alittle and tell john or speak to me on the phone so i can know in proper terms what they think this might be as they will hardly tell me anything and i am so scared of just a threat instead and i really feel too unwell now to try anymore but i know that i have done all that i can to know in proper terms and it has all been against so now i feel really unwell and i cannot even know what they think it might be except what i have found out by accident and if it had been their choice i would not even have know this much
Mood: sad and stressed
Music: marilyn manson
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The Only Real Help Now Is a Human Rights Organisation
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August 18, 2008, 01:40:pm
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The only real help in terms of advice now is a human rights organisation as i see this as an issue now of pretecting my human rights and i also see the keeping of my own information from me as a human rights issue
Mood: sad and stressed
Music: marilyn manson
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More Terrible Stress As It Looks As If Legal Aid Does Not Cover It
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August 18, 2008, 12:44:pm
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it looks like more terrible stress as it looks as if after all this that legal aid does not cover this so it does not look like much hope still and i do not know where i am in terms of this fear but it does look as if i can stay now as long as i hide away in terms of anyone from social services or the mental health team seeing me or knowing where i am and only being with friends i can trust not to go against my wishes and to harm me by trying to get anything forced upon me against my wishes as i must fight at all costs and in all terms to have this human right if this is now all i have left in this life and i do now feel all hope to access this information about my own medical condition is finished in realistic terms
Mood: sad and stressed
Music: marilyn manson
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We Have Decided To Fight On And Have Contacted A Solicitor
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August 18, 2008, 11:31:am
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We have decided to fight on as i have spoken to john who is going to support me and i am going to try to see if i can get my own information decently through a solicitor and maybe make a complaint now as i have said all along that i do not want to be nasty and make a complaint but it now seems the actions of the NHS are going to force me into a complaint as i do need this information as the stress of not knowing is terrible and i cannot face a threat to get it so they have now forced me into making a complaint by their actions and this is the only decent way i have left now to access my own information without threat or a fear of this threat
Mood: sad and stressed
Music: marilyn manson
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I Can No Longer Live In This Fear Worse Than Death
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August 18, 2008, 07:44:am
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i can no longer live in this fear worse than death of having treatment forced on me against my wishes and i can no longer believe that may not happen to me and i now feel too unwell to face this fear as i feel so unwell anyway and this fear is so terrifying that i feel now i have no choices but to not be with john who i love and to live my life on the streets in Dublin at the wishes of others who will not let me have my wishes to live my life here with john as i fear they could attempt to force their wishes onto me at any time and i now feel too unwell to live each day and night with this fear anymore, and i do not believe i can pretect myself from this and to pretect my wishes other than to live on the streets of Dublin with nothing or to stay here and live with a fear that i feel too unwell now to live with anymore, and my deepest and worst regrets are ever going to the G.P. when i found the lump and felt unwell with other symptoms as i was more innocent then in terms of thinking i had done what was right and all i have got in return is information withheld and threats and the situation i am now in and which now seems impossible for me all round and noone seems to care what this fear and the stress of not knowing if this is suspected cancer of the Larynx in proper terms is doing to me because i am just worthless, maybe evil, in their eyes because of what mom has said and because of this i deserve nothing in this life but being told nothing in proper honest terms and instead fear and nothing decent for me, and what does this say for the mentallity of the people who believe what mom has said without question and who have this sort of indecent prejudice
Mood: sad and stressed
Music: marilyn manson
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We Are Going To See How i Can Pretect My Rights
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August 16, 2008, 12:57:pm
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i have had a talk with john my partner and we are going to see a solicitor on monday and see how i can pretect my rights to live and if needs be die how i wish and to pretect my rights to make these choices without fear of anyone wishing to harm me by trying to go against my wishes and force theirs onto me for whatever reason because to live and die as i choose must be my rights without fear as long as i do not choose to harm anyone elses life and i must pretect these rights now as they mean more than life itself to me and i must have my rights to live out my life with john in peace if this is what i want as this harms noone elses life and they must do no more harm to mine as i have suffered enough at the hands of social services and others who have tried to impose their wishes on my life and i just want to live out my life in peace and suffer at their hands no more
Mood: sad
Music: marilyn manson
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Her Evil Words of Hate Have Driven Me From The City i Love
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August 16, 2008, 06:33:am
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My mom..s evil words of hate that she has choosen to have social services put on the records against me have finally driven me to go on the ferry again this coming monday to Dublin to leave the city of Birmingham in a fear that means this time i can never come back and i have to live a life with nothing on the streets of Dublin because this is better than the fear of a life if i stay here as i am effectively treated worse than a criminal and a real mass murderer would have more human rights than me and i can no longer live in a life of fear of being controlled and forced to do anything against my own wishes and this fear has taken over my life so much that i can find no comfort from it now except in some absinthe and to find some comfort in marilyn manson and his music to relieve the fear for a little while but i know of nothing else i can do now to help protect myself from her evil words so i can have my free wishes and my human rights without this fear and i know of all these who have judged me john my partner does regret what he did in helping me to loose the bedsit i liked so much in the way that he did it as i do believe he knows what it did to me and i do believe he regrets judging me not to give me my free choice and the way that was done but sadly we cannot get that bedsit back and we cannot undo what was done but if he could get me that bedsit back or we could go back and he could undo what was done then i do believe that he would want me to have what was my choice and he would listen to me now and care about me and he is the only person in my life that would and he is the person like marilyn manson who said he would have listened on the "Bowling For Columbine" video when perphaps noone ever did and now john like marilyn manson is my hero who has listened but because of the fear of the others who would impose their wishes onto me at all costs and at a cost i could not live with and they would not give a shit for me in all this so now i cannot be with john who i love because if i do have the worst and i do have cancer of the Larynx and i do feel so much more unwell these last few days but i know that i would not be allowed my peace to choose to have no treatment and to live out my life peacefull with john which would be so good to have that choice without this fear but so many would not allow me to do this and to respect this as my choice so i have to live out my life on the streets in Dublin as i feel too unwell now to live anymore in this fear
Mood: sad
Music: marilyn manson
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Absinthe And Manson Are My Only Comforts Now
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August 15, 2008, 06:51:am
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it all just seems too late for me now as all my hopes in this life are gone, absinthe and marilyn manson are the only things that can comfort me now, i am sick of this life that treats me like a worthless shit and judges me as something evil for things my mom has said but at lest i know in my heart these things are not true and i am misjudged as a person just like poor manson is misjudged
Mood: sad
Music: marilyn manson
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