I feel so lost, i mean... no one ever could understand. And that one person who did, i fell inlove with. My best friend James. He knew what i felt. Could speak what I was thinking. We dont have to say a word to feel the others emotions and I look into his eyes and know what he's feeling. His mask is so intracate, yet i can see through it and it upsets him. Our emotions just chase the others. in circles we go. I love him! how do i even get him?! im so in over my head. </3 Mood: manic Music: Snow Whites Poison Bite
I wish i was better. wish i could feel. im constantly numb, only anger shows. and that blade is calimg again. I miss her. James is tearing me apart. he really confusing. its " I love you" one second and "get away" the next. Marching band is going well. Im much more focused. school work is nothing on my mind right now. I hate 1 of my teachers. Things dont make sense.
I need some awsome dubstep and techno to listen so sooo if ya got anything good... comment with names of groups and songs!
Im so bored right now. trying to distract myself from the pain of being alone, still.... I hate it. im thinking of running away but im not sure how that would work... thats really IF-y... im not sure. i do know that i need to get out of the house and party my ass off for once. i need to get high or drunk, just feel free. Not sure how that will work either. THings just really suck in my head and i push them away to be happy (not good)
I wish i could have my own style and be myself. i dont have money for the clothes i want. :[ just ruin everything! ive lost weight and its hard to find clothes that fit. My hair grew like 3 inches... wich for me is a lot. I enjoy odd things and try not to fit in but im finding more people like me so its hard. i want more peircings but mom wont let me get any.
Im stressed and its really pushing me twords a relapse. cutting sounds so good but now i can get to a point that i dont need it. its weird, not being able to see red on my arm or feeling that constant pain of my body healing it. i know i sound crazy but all other cutters know how i feel. weither it be cutting from depression, out of anger, or just to feel. ive been in ALL places so i know, but ive also had 6 years of therapy. its taken me long enough to use it...
I worry about my Destiny. i love her so much. i wish she could just see what she needs to work on and get better. shell be 18 in a year... CRAZY! but i love her, she tought me how to feel again. how to love wiht nothing to give and arms wide open. how to feel, to smile,to not care. she helped me so much, i got so far... INSANE! i miss her... if i could go back i would. thats when i want to cut the most, when i cant have what i want. i miss the feeling of her arms around me, her smile, how she sang to me, shes perfect. She protected me from myself, wich was exactly what i needed. Ive been so busy trying to distract myself from her... i cant do it much longer. i just wanna be with her.
my nights are becomming sleeples again. maybe i just have too much energy, maybe i worry, maybe i stress.... i wish there was someone with all the answers... psycology is interesting.... never ends, like outer space. theres so much i want to do but cant. theres not enough time in the world to help me. i would like to get back to writing but i dont have words for what i feel or think. even peotry is difficlut for me right now... maybe its just writers block (i hope). i really need to do somehting, anyone wanna take me out? really....
Still trying to start a band. - drummers, singers, guitarists, bassists, writers needed. im on colorado so try not to amke things difficult. i have studio time. its just sitting there. so... lets rise to the top and be then next fall out boy!
i love you all. thanks for reading my randomness... answers, comments, messages would be nice! <3
Well, im back. ive been back for a few months. i thought i was better. but ive relapsed. nothing feels different. people still hate me. im ALWAYS alone. nothing makes sense. i forgot what it was like to be in love... and she showed me. then.... we were torn apart. and i remembered. dustin... i love him so very much. i wish i could tell him. but hes shut me out. nothing matters anymore. i was so lost in depression that i forgot what happiness was, now i know, i dont like it. something isnt right. i was so happy... its odd. its like love fixes me. the second that i know someone can love me the way i need, everything changes. im happy, i take better care of myself, i smile, depression just... disapears. im still searching for love. its so hard to. no wantgs to take me, ive been scared too much. i need someone who can thinkk for me when im not emotionaly stable to do so. they need to be able to hold me. thats all i want. to be held. someone to surport me. everyone has problems. i feel that if i can help the person i love with theirs, theyll be able to help with mine. i dont want much. hell, i dont care if we live under a bridge...as long as im loved and your happy, thats all that matters. im so worn out. nothing makes sense. i feel like suicide again. i dont want to be that way... i just want love. but its so bad, because ive been hated all my life. by classmates and ive been ignored. i feel like my fight isnt enough. i need help breaking through. i wanna be able to go out and not get depressed when i see a coupl eholding hands. its so bad that i get depressed when my mom holds hands with her wife. theres that intamacy i need... with this odd surport. i cant figure it out. so world, please forgive me. i need your help. im slowly killing myself. i just want to be loved. i want.... something... i need it. how often do you people ever understand anyways? nothing matters now.
