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chained_and_caned's Journal
My little contribution to nothint!!
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Life with a Mental Disease
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March 18, 2008, 12:13:am
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One of the hardest things to have to deal with in life has to be living with a mental disease like Bi-polar disorder. It's part of my life and it is hell. It's part of who I am and I accept that but that doesn't make things any easier. One moment I'm on top of the world, I feel like I could accomplish anything. Nothing is bothering me, I seriously couldn't be happier, it doesn't exist. A moment later I feel the rage building up inside of me, someone might have shut the door to hard and instantly it's to full blown anger. All I want to do is to hurt. I don't care if they have done anything wrong, and I don't care about them. The only thing running through my mind fuck everyone and how bad I may have hurt them. Who gives a shit if I verbally stabbed them in the heart and ripped it out. Then the reality sets in. I realize the pain I have caused others, and it's too much for me to take. Normally I am a kind and caring person and to see that pain in the eyes of someone I care about is enough to rip me to shreds. I'm at rock bottom, curled up in the corner, knees close to my chest, wailing at the top of my lungs. Replaying the wrong I've done to others unable to believe what I did. Then the voices start, just as a whisper at first, telling me I'm worthless and I don't deserve to live. It gets louder and louder and it takes everything I have not to reach for the razor that would so easily get rid of the pain. The razor that has not harmed me in an entire year but I still can't bear to toss out. It's my safety net, it will always be there for me. It starts to pass and the voices leave me, then the in comes paranoia. At first I'm just paranoid about what I am going to do next, am I going to hurt someone els? I keep to myself and say very little, it seems safer that way. A couple days pass and the paranoia has reached a new level. My mind is twisting and manipulating everything, I am suspicious of everyone. Everyone is out to get me. The funny thing is, in a week it will be as if it never happened, well at least for me. But the things I did will take time to heal for those who fell victim. I don't mean to do the things I do but it is something I have little control over, try as I might it always happens again. I take my meds, and I go to therapy. I'm to smart for therapy so it does little for me. My meds help a lot but they eventually stop working, and I'm suddenly at square one. The thing that sucks the most is that most don't understand. They view me as a bitch or desperate for attention. If I wanted attention I would do something goofy. Then the people who do accept it and can deal with it get used to my meds doing what they are supposed to do and have to learn what to do all over again when they become ineffective. This is just a microscopic tid bit of what being bi-polar brings to my life. It's a vicious and never ending cycle.
Mood: Dealing with meds not working
Music: none
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My Beautiful Flower
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February 20, 2008, 01:37:pm
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A Flower I spotted far away
One so marvelous it holds my eyes
making my sight useless to anything els
Stunning and flawless
Bright and colorfull
A Flower you pray will never fade away
My Flower I can not touch nor smell
though I know its petals are like ribbons of silk
and its sent is seductively sweet.
The sight of my Flower opening to the warm morning sun
is a sight kept from my eyes
Although my Flower is far and out of my reach
I call it my own
It is I who waters it with the love of my heart
each and every day.
Day to day I find myself wondering
'Am I giving my Flower everything she needs?'
There has to be something more
my rare, beautiful Flower needs, deserves
to blossom into what we could be.
For now I'll keep searching
and showering her with my love
In hopes that my Flower will not wither away.
Poem dedicated to my princess.
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Love
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January 30, 2008, 11:13:pm
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It's amazing when you find the person you think you want to be with for the rest of your life. The one you could see yourself having kids with. The person that makes you smile just thinking about them. The first couple months, your so infatuated that you don't mind the little things that might drive you up the wall in the months to come. It seems like all you want to do is spend ever moment with them, and learn everything you can about each other. What's grander than that?
When life throws some mean curve balls at you, really puts your relationship to the test. Two things will happen, you'll forget all the things that brought you together in the first place and go your separate ways; or you end up on top. You know you have really got someone good when can get through the difficult times and still be able to look your lover in the eye and tell them you love them and mean it with ever last bit of your soul.
I have never loved anyone like I love Jeremy. In the beginning it was the normal puppy love, were none of your feeling have a deep and true foundation. In every relationship I have ever been in, as time when on, the feelings I once felt for that person slowly diminished...until now. I can honestly say that I love him more now, after over 8 months, than I did when we first got together. This relationship was slammed with hardships from the very beginning. A lot of the crap we went through was harder than most the problems I had ever faced up to that point. Some how we made it, and it's only made us stronger. He is the type of person that when we got together, it literally changed my life. I know that no matter what happens we can make it. I only wish everyone was as lucky as me.
Mood: Happy
Music: none
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Wisdom Teeth
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December 22, 2007, 06:04:pm
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Well yesterday i had my wisdom teeth surgically extracted. I was really worried about it cus i have never even had stitches before. Everything went really well. I only have two stitches and I'm hardly in any pain. waking up after the operation was the best high of my life just wish it lasted longer. lol
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