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byte's Journal
I hate journals.
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Porcelain Doll
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January 07, 2008, 11:17:am
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Porcelain doll doesn't smile until
Crimson bleeds over her lips so still.
Even then, her glassy eyes spell
Hollowness, emptiness, shallow hell.
Beneath her curls, beneath the lace
Beneath her smile on painted face.
When she would laugh, or scream, or cry
Not a a tear drips from her eye.
Never does laughter escape from within
Or cries of fear when terror sets in.
No, the porcelain doll will sit and stare
With perfect skin and perfect hair.
Her soul is as empty as her gaze
And she sits in timeless haze.
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solve-ation
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December 18, 2007, 02:22:pm
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Now, let's ignore my problems.
I'll glue on a smile for you.
<3
Mood: Over it.
Music: The Used
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Damn it!
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December 17, 2007, 08:38:pm
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I'm fucking pissed right now. SO pissed I'm crying. Fuck it.
Why the fuck am I pissed? Damn it. I had such a brilliant day, net came back, I ditched work, I made s few friends, and yet...
I'm pissed. I know why I'm pissed. I'm lying to myself, wearing a mask so I don't have to look and see what I am.
I am a monster, truly. I fucking hate everything about me. Everything. Why can't I change? Why can't I control myself?
Sure, I've been through some shit. But everyone goes through shit. And I'm the one who's too fucking weak to deal with it. How many times have I tried to give up, now? I'm honestly losing count. I don't mean to sound emo, cause gawd knows I can't stand those attention-seeking kids. But really, what's the point? If everything I do is going to lead to more stress, why am I still walking down this road? Why didn't I give up four years ago, that night that I made the ultimatum, and lost my first love? Or again, when I collapsed in public, surrounded by people who love me, because I was so stressed out about life? Or yet again, when I made the biggest mistake of my life and let the biggest asshole ever think he was worth a half a shit?
Why can't I go back and take Brian's hand again? Nobody- and I mean NOBODY- has ever loved me like he did. He was everything I needed. But I was never attracted to him. AM I a lesbian? As stupid as it sounds, I think I might just be. I mean... Everything about guys is sexually a turnoff for me. I love kissing them , gawdknows. But anything beyond that just sickens me, unfortunately for all of my ex boyfriends. All of my girlfriends and I have ended things on good terms, simply realizing it wasn't love. All of my hetero-endeavours have ended very, very messily, with 'I hate you's and 'I never want to see you again's. And my FWB back home... being away from him made me realize what an ass he is. I really don't know why I fell for him, other than my alternative being the guy who ended up fucking my whole life up. Why didn't I say yes when Tony told me he liked me? He is a sweet guy, who obviously cares. Tim, as callow as he was, was a little sweet when he wasn't coming on so strong. Why not Kairi, who I definately had a crush on when I first met her? She needs someone, anyway, and I could have been there for her. Then the one girl who I've always been in love with, Janelle, who is so wonderful I don't know what to do.
Why can't love be easy?
I'm fed up with everything, and if I can hold on through the holidays, I'll be fine.
But can I hold on that long without a single friend to talk to?
-sigh-
Happy early birthday, Cody. Wish I could be there to celebrate with you. <333
Until next time.
[Lizard]
Mood: FUCKING. PISSED.
Music: MSI
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