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biohazard_911's Journal
The forgotten chapters
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To a friend
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August 01, 2008, 12:33:am
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I never ment you any harm. I never ment for the pain to grow like this. We both hurt each other, we both said our part...but i cant let u go. Ive seen to much, ive been through to much. I cant let u go! You are my only fucking survival method salem, u keep me strong...fuck u made me strong. I cant lose that, not now. You made me realize who the fuck i am, u taught me so much. Weather u believe me or not Ill STILL kill for u. ill STILL die for u. You ment everything to me, and i busted my ass for u. to prove myslef to u.....i guess all thats left is....im sorry and i know things will never be the same....and for the first time the words will come from my mouth.....i fucking love u!
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fuck it
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July 02, 2008, 12:34:am
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Im closing up again...the one person i opend up to, in a really long time, decides he'd like to leave for a few days........imagine that....like i said it a previous journal....theres no fucking point anymore. Thank you for being there when u were...but its completely erased now.....
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Lost
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June 29, 2008, 12:20:am
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I've decided to give up on guys and girls...im done dateing in general. You spend so much time getting to know somebody, for them to throw u away when you're heart has already bound the ties. Because i wouldnt have sex with him...he decided to throw me away and spred my business around like a fucking baby...even though he's 25.
I dont get it anymore...people always ask me why Im so hard on myself, why i put myslef throuhg so much hell. Well its kinda hard not to when the only reason people ever talk to you is because they think ill fuck them or something along those lines..when im always being tossed to the side for the next best thing which is always a ditz and yet extreamly pretty.....maybe i should dumb down......
all self evaluation does is get me even more depressed.....what a bitch.
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questions
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June 08, 2008, 01:43:am
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"I guess i like it when we play (the way u drag me down) i guess i like it when u hate me (the way u drag me down) and i cant fce myself in a mirror (im left alone with all my pain) and i disgrace myself in the mirror (im left alone with my shame)"
Have you ever found yourself going back to the same person who makes u feel like shit, even though u have another person who is willin to give u the world and more? Ive found myslef doing this for the past 3 years. Back and forth with the ex only to be let down....then i meet somebody who is willing to give me so much and i go right back to the fucker who treats me bad. Simply for the fact that when im not with him....i feel worse than when i am with him. We've broke up so many times, and thats when everything seems to come crashing down.
The utter fact that i might really love him freaks me out because i dont want to anymore. I see so many things in him that remind me of everything i said i would never want in my life..he reminds me of my dad (something i dont want in my life for those who dont know). We've been through so much that its hard to let him go...so many suicide attempts so many deaths and so much family bullshit! He held me when i was sick and made sure i was asleep before he let go. He staied up untill 4 in the morning after we watched Texas chainsaw mas. the begining just because i was scared and he wanted to make sure i went to sleep ok....what happend to that?
Despite how much shit i talk about him...he was never like this before. We used to be idolized by our friends...the perfect balance between friendship and love....maybe it just took this long for the jelousy of each others life style to kick in...or maybe we both started to spirel into depression and neither one of could catch the other........maybe we just emotionaly died?
"I met a girl who hated the world, she used her body to sell her soul every town theyd break her and theyd tear out her heart and leave her in pain i never found out how she survived all the sadness she kept inside i never found out how she could lie with a smile on her face and the scratches shed hide"
Both quotes from Seether.
Mood: ....not sure
Music: Seether
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piece of shit
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June 04, 2008, 11:22:pm
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You wanna call me a a fuckn whore bitch. Youre the only fuckn person ive ever had sex with, the only person ive ever done anything sexual with.....did u or did u not fuck a fuckn fat ass ugly bitch while we were dateing! how many fuckn times have u been around the block and back. YOUR A FUCKN WHORE!!!! I dont give a shit how much u claim to love me anymore more,,,,,,drinking and music have always come first no matter how much i needed ur broke ass. news flash....ur not going ANYWHERE hell u cant even afford to go down the fuckn street if u wanted to. How many times did i buy ur shit, how many times did i pay for ur gas how many times did i pay for ur mutha fuckn food even if it ws my fuckn b day?! Your a fuckn piece of shit who doesnt know how to treat a girl who doenst fuck around. sorry im not ur rocker slut, sorry i value more in life than the fuckn bottel bitch fuckn u IM DONE u wanna be whore go for it i hope u get aids u fuckn piece of shit!
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RANT
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June 03, 2008, 11:38:pm
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Fuck u JAMES FUCKN OSBORN!!! Youd rather drink ur life away than see ur fuckn gf, or even do something productive...fine go for it...but i wont be around to watch ur lame ass fall to ground and burn to ashes. You dont know how to treat me, your so caught up in your "rock star" mentlity you forgot who saved your life in the first fuckn place. I haven seen u in almost a month and ur fine with that because u can party more. FUCK U....youre going to end up like my fuckn dad. alone, worthless and full of guilt.
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change?
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May 28, 2008, 01:24:am
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Im done giving my heart to people....all it does is leave me sitting alone woundering why i ment nothing. How can somebody tell u they love u....and then fuck around with other girls not even a few weeks later. Now how the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel!? Why the fuck do i put myself in these fuckn situations over and over again? I wish i was a heartless bitch, to the point where nobody could break through my walls...no instead im the weak one who is left in the debris of all the memories. Im sick of this cycle, im sick of being me!
I think its time to do some self contruction and rebuild from the gound up. Im not going to let myself get hurt anymore....it doesnt get me anything, and it doesnt get me anywhere.
I hope she was a good fuck, she cost u your best friend.
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Fade away
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January 21, 2008, 04:32:pm
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All these walls and broken tears will never cure my pain.
Slit wrists, broken dreams, you lied to me.
You promised me forever, promised me a new life.
Now I'm left here all alone with no where to go.
This light is fading, everything is dim.
Darkness is taking over.
I can't go through this again.
This pain will kill me.
Bloody handprints smear and stain.
My heart and soul devoured.
So take this knife and push it in.
Break the skin.
Don't leave me wounded, leave me dead.
Take the guilt away, take my pain.
This love will cause me to go insane.
These razor blades are my addiction.
My only escape.
This substance is my new best friend.
Death isn't new to me, it's something I defend.
So bring it slowly, not to quick.
I want to feel the pain escape, as my soul fades away
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.....
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January 07, 2008, 11:28:am
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I told myself i was over him,that he couldnt make me cry anymore,couldnt hurt me, couldnt phase me.....yet me not being able to talk to him hurts to. We were close friends for so long, and all of a sudden....one day....he just said he didnt want to talk to me anymore. He always said i was weak,that i cant let go of things.....this is his was of testing me. This is how he wants me to prove to him im strong. The only person who could calm me down,help me solve my problems and taught me something about myself....is gone, and i wont be able to get him back......even though it hurts, even though it makes me want to cry, i know i have to get over this. He doesnt matter, a few months isnt anything in the big picture. He helped me find myself and im greatful for that....i have to respect his wishes, i have to be strong.
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