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bigblackboxx's Journal
my life is brilliant, my love is pure
As the days crawl by, life screams circles around me. The hands of Tempation pulling me every which way. For such a long time, I have just let them lead me... sheepishly following, wherever it is that they chose to go. Filling me with dreams, taunting me with happiness and love. Only to pull me away just when things seemed to be turning out right. I am a dreamer, i am a lover, and i am a lost soul. I have been in search of a reason... a purpose... for so very long. And it always seems to elude me. My heart has become so heavy, but my love has remained pure. Nothing will ever change that about me. I won't let it. There are many things in this life that i struggle to understand, but i try not to dwell. They say things happen for a reason... I have always laughed at this statement. But maybe its not such a fallicy... maybe they do... i really cant say for sure. All I do no, is that right now... I'm happy, I'm smiling... I'm looking forward to tomorrow... the next day... the rest of my life. I don't know quite what awaits me. I have no crystal ball. I have myself, my health, and the opportunity to have a beautiful life. Maybe not perfect, but nothing ever is. Perfection is something to strive for, but an unreachable goal. No one ever seems to realize this... I do though. I understand, accept, and embrace this. It's all what you make of it. Im trying... to open a new chapter in my life. Not to close the rest, but to continue on... and build upon all that I have already done. Accomplishments and failures alike, they are all part of this life we lead. Sometimes I forget this, and i fall... so very far... but when I least expect it... someone holds out there hand, and pulls me free.. back to reality, back to life. Sometimes a complete stranger, sometimes a very dear friend. It matters not.. the who. It just matters why... and WHY is because life really can be beautiul. People really do care, and will go out of there way to change your perspective, when you need it the most. So many thoughts swirling in this head of mine, they never cease. I dont know everything, and never will. What i do know though, is my life is brillaint, and my love... it is pure. xXx Casey
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We aim to remember what we choose to forget.
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September 05, 2008, 07:29:pm
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I want my money back. I'm down here drowning in your fat. You got me on my knees praying for everything you lack. I ain't afraid of you. I'm just a victim of your fears. You cower in your tower praying that I'll disappear, I got another plan, one that requires me to stand. On the stage or in the street, don't need no microphone or beat. And when you hear this song, if you ain't dead then sing along. Bang and strum to these here drums til you get where you belong.
I got a list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! You wanna be somebody? See somebody? Try and free somebody? I gotta list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! Hand to mouth!
I wrote a song for you today while I was sitting in my room. I jumped up on my bed today and played it on a broom. I didn't think that it would be a song that you would hear, but when I played it in my head, I made you reappear. I wrote a video for it and I acted out each part. Then I took your picture out and taped it to my heart. I've taped you to my heart dear girl, I've taped you to my heart and if you pull away from me you'll tear my life apart..
I got a list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! You wanna be somebody? See somebody? Try and free somebody? I gotta list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! Hand to mouth!
Ecstacy, suffering, Echinacea, bufferin. We aim to remember what we choose to forget. God's just a baby and her diaper is wet.
Call the police! I'm strapped to the teeth and liable to disregard your every belief. Call on the law! I'm fixin' to draw a line between what is and seems and call up a brawl. Call'em up now! 'cause it's about to go pow! I'm standing on the threshold of the ups and the downs. Call up a truce! 'cause I'm about to bust loose. Protect ya neck,'cause, son, I'm breaking out of my noose.
I got a list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! You wanna be somebody? See somebody? Try and free somebody? I gotta list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I ball my fist and you're gonna know where I stand. We're living hand to mouth! Hand to mouth!
Mood: Restless
Music: [silence]
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mirrored perspective
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August 21, 2008, 03:46:am
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How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me.
Its like a book elegantly bound but in a language that you can't read, just yet.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
You reject my advances and desperate plea. I won't let you let me down so easily. So easily
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, love. You gotta spend some time with me,
and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
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Circles
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May 10, 2008, 07:03:pm
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Tha Producer:
Take my hand lets go,
Somewhere we can rest our souls.
We'll sit where it's warm,
You say look we're here alone.
Chorus:
I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.
I'm scattered through this life.
If this is life I'll say good bye.
She's gone like an angel,
With wings let me burn tonight.
Chorus
I was running in circles
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.
Johnny 3:
I see me writin on this paper.
Prayin for some savior.
Wishin intake her and save her.
In a world so, so godless and thoughtless,
I don't know how we wrought this,
All the love that you brought us.
It feels like I'm killin myself.
Just wheelin myself.
Just to pray for some help.
I'd give it all just to have, have your eternity.
Cause it's all that assures me.
It's worth all that hurts me.
I'd give you my heart,
And let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.
On that day that day,
The day I walked away in December.
I will always remember.
I'll regret it forever.
I remember brown eyes,
So sad and blue skies.
Turned to darkness and night.
I'm so sick of the fight.
I won't breathe unless you breathe,
Won't bleed unless you bleed.
Won't be unless you be,
'Till I'm gone and I can sleep.
Chorus
I was running in circles
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.
Tha Producer:
I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself).
I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself)
=(
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Wake me up when we get there?
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April 14, 2008, 10:38:am
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Another day, another week, another month gone by. I lose track of time so easily these days. Time just kinda... passing by. I'm just drifting along, trying not to get snagged on too much shit along the way.
Sleep Eat Work Sleep Eat Work Sleep Eat Work Sleep Eat Work
END
xXx
Casey
Mood: Zombeh
Music: Low hum of the fan in the window.
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Thing In A Jar
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April 11, 2008, 08:36:am
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outside rainbows ...
monster's mouth ...
strangers still ...
split into two people
laughing and smoldering
we turn into children ...
with donkey tails and ears
the puppeteer's pretty one hangs in the doorway ...
i'm your thing in a jar ...
... all illuminated
at night the moon meets the stars ...
... and we are all illuminated
i have a rage but its not aging ...
... all illuminated
it's just all illuminated ...
... all illuminated
i thought i heard a song in your voice ... ... but i was wrong i thought i heard your song in my head ...
... but it was my own
i once held it in my hand for awhile ...
... but now it's gone
i held it to the sky and now it's gone ...
i thought i heard your song in my head ...
... but it was my own
i'm your thing in a jar ...
... all illuminated
at night the moon eats the stars ...
... and we are all illuminated
i have a rage but it's not aging ...
... all illuminated
it's just all illuminated ...
... all illuminated
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Even Deeper
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April 11, 2008, 04:37:am
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I woke up today
To find myself in the place
With a trail of my footprints
From where I ran away
Seems everything I've heard just might be true
You know me? Well you think you do...
Sometimes I have everything
Yet I wish I felt SOMETHING!
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome....
It runs even deeper.
In a dream
I'm a different me. A perfect you
We fit perfectly.
For once in my life I feel complete.
And i still want to ruin it...
Afraid to look
It's clear as day
This plan has long been under way
I hear them call
I cannot stay
The voice inviting me away
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I CAN overcome
It runs even deeper...
NAH NAH NAH NA NA NAH NAH NAH NA NA
Everything that matters is gone
(EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS IS GONE!)
All the hands of hope have withdrawn (EVERYTHING!)
Could you try to help me hang on?
It runs...
I've strayed.
I won't crack.
On my way and I can't turn back.
I don't care
I'm on track.
On my way and I can't turn back.
Ive stayed
On this track
Gone too far and I can't go back
I've stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't go back...
Ive stayed
On this track
Gone too far and I can't go back
Ive stayed
On this track
Lost my way
can't go back
Ive stayed
On this track
Gone too far and I can't go back
I've stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't go back
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I am a dreamer...
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April 09, 2008, 09:29:pm
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dreaming of a day
I can fall asleep holding her in my arms.
dreaming of a day
I can wake up, and she is still there with me.
dreaming of a day
that I don't have to dream... for it to be true.
dreaming
of
you...
I am a dreamer...
Goodnight tonight
xXx
Casey
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Day by day..
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April 09, 2008, 03:20:am
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-sighs-
Another day come and gone. Feelings and thoughts still lurking, lingering... Can't seem to shut them out, make them go away.
I love/loved her so much. I truly did, and still do. A piece of my heart will belong to her forever.
I think what is hurting me the most still, is that I just cannot understand WHAT happened. What changed... what pushed things over the edge.
The time we spent together was so amazing, so beautiful. And I will always cherish those memories, and a part of me will always wish that there could have been more.
Maybe the feelings just were not mutual, maybe she was just being kind towards me, maybe she got scared, maybe something better came along. I really cannot say.
Been almost 2 weeks now since we quit talking. Some days have been so very hard, others... I have been somewhat able to keep my mind occupied with other thoughts, other things.
Somedays tho, it is so very hard. I just start thinking about her, how much I miss her, and it overcomes me again. The hurt, the feeling of such great loss and heartache.
Nothing I can do now tho, but try to move on. And I am, I'm trying so very hard. Time heals they say, well thats about all I have anymore. Time...
My dear friends, continue... to try to console me, and keep me from dwelling. And again, i must thank them for thier kindness and compassion.
I dont know what i would do without them.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope with that new day, comes healing, and hope...
Goodnite tonight, goodnight my dear friends, new and old alike. May you prosper in life and love. My thoughts are with you all.
xXx
Casey
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sedation
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April 07, 2008, 11:02:am
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The hours crawl by, and I fall into a daze. Neither awake nor sleeping. I see the world moving along its course around me, as I sit motionless, thinking, dreaming, attempting to escape this reality.
Cannot take my mind off of things, cannot rest, cannot find peace. Cannot find solace, not in my music, not in my writing, not in sleep, not in anything that can normally distract me from my thoughts.
So much going on in this damn head of mine, and this heart. The feelings grow, almost out of control, and then fall, to a slow rumble, only to take a frantic dive just when things are seeming to calm down. I've grown accustom to this roller-coaster ride, but it still catches me off guard from time to time. Like the course changes every time around, always keeping me guessing.
The past haunts me, both the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. Some memories, so sweet, I could get lost in them forever and never look back. Others filled with such hurt, that reliving them is like a nightmare from which I can never wake.
Beauty is a strange thing, i find both happiness and sadness to be both so beautiful. You cannot have one without the other. Sometimes its very easy to forget that... I try not to... I try to remember that you can't have it all one way or the other, perfection is a fallacy... a myth. Something you should always strive for, but only as a means to better yourself or whatever it is you are trying to accomplish.
But without the pain, and heartache, one would never really realize how good things can be. You must understand how bad things really can be, before you can truly understand and enjoy the good things in life. You must experience loss, and failure, before you can accomplish greatness.
Sometimes tho, i get lost in that sadness, in that hurt, the failure, and devistation. Consumed by it, trapped if you will. It's a fine line to walk, and easy to falter. And sometimes, things beyond your control happen, that may just push you off that line. This is where i find myself, or should i say... lose myself. Hanging on the brink of utter oblivion, grip failing, and cries that either go unnoticed, or cannot be consoled. Screams that I can no longer drown out with loud music, or mindless chit chat.
Sometimes... it takes so much more, to bring me back. Not even to UP, just to level ground, back to ground zero. So much more than I can ask of anyone, and possibly much more than most could even give. And as of late, I'm beginning to think quite possibly more than ANY one can give.
I feel horrible to know that when i get like this, it saddens others around me... that they suffer seeing me suffer. It only hurts me more, and them... when they realize that they are not the one that can help, that I am out of reach, that they cannot come down far enough to help me climb out of this mess.
What am I to do tho? There is no switch to flick, no button to push, no simple solution to the equation. No easy answer or cheat sheet to guide. All I have is time....
Fleeting time, ticking away... tick, tick tick.... i lose more and more of it with every passing moment. My time here, escaping, that final destination growing closer and closer.
And I stand alone. People come and go from my life, some meaning more than others. Some giving me so much, others... taking far more than I ever bargained for.
Every once in a while tho, I get a taste of greatness. Of that purity which I so long for. Someone special will come along and turn my world upside down, take me somewhere I never even dreamed to exist, and really set a new definition of perfection for me.
Sometimes it lasts but only for a moment, just a tease. Other times It stays for a while, letting me relish within, taking in all the beauty and wonder, teaching me, and helping me grow as a person.
But always, it goes... just as abruptly as it came. Usually with no warning, and very rarely with any explanation at all.
-sighs- I'm rambling I know, my mind wants to go in 1,000 directions. So hard to focus.
I feel like i have so much to learn about life, and love, and everything inbetween. But its soooooo hard to do alone. So many people tell me... be happy with yourself, before you try to be happy with another. I've struggled to try and understand this thought, to try and practice it... to no avail.
I've come to the conclusion, it will not work for me. I am not happy alone, I have moments of happiness, but not enough, not lasting. I'm not enough on my own to make that work. I NEED someone to share my life with to be whole. I NEED someone to spoil and cherish and love, and to be spoiled and cherished and loved by them. I NEED that to be happy, to make everything else worthwhile.
Waking up day after day, by myself... takes its toll. Watching life pass me by, as others find love, and live... is killing me ever so slowly. I don't just WANT that, i fucking need it. I need someone to call my own, and for someone to call me there own. I need to be claimed.
I sit alone on this throne of my kingdom. Next to me sits no one...
How long, just how long can this madness go on, before I lose it, before I truly give up hope, and give in. I really cannot say. The anticipation grows... exponentially.... as does this feeling of helplessness.
I dont know what to do anymore. And I have no idea what to say. Maybe someday i will understand.... just maybe. Until then, I will try to hang on...
Goodnite tonight, goodnite my friends. And please remember, if you have someone special in your life, someone whom you are able to share all your joys and pains with. Cherish them, respect them, LOVE them... and hold onto it at all costs... you may never get that chance again. Don't waste it!!!
xXx
Casey
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Thankyou
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April 05, 2008, 06:18:am
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Just sitting here thinking about all the shit that has been going on in my life these past couple months, and more so... the last couple days.
Things have been rough for me. I still don't even have a grasp as to what exactly did or is happening. I just know that I hit a wall, and had to make a choice. Neither looked very promising, but a decision had to be made.
Been dwelling over it for... a little while now. I just couldnt make up my mind. I couldnt take a step in either direction. Really just felt like sitting down, and giving up... and to be honest still kind of do.
Life can be so draining sometimes, all the heartache and misfortunes one must deal with. And they always seem to come at the most inopportune times possible. Blindside you, the moment you look away, or let your guard down.
Well, I took a step, maybe two... small ones... in a direction from my standstill. In doing so, I may never get some of the answers or closure that I seek, or maybe even the chance to salvage something I thought lost. But sometimes that is a sacrifice one must make... to continue, to move on, and to continue living.
Because I wasnt living. Not by any standard that I would consider healthy or acceptable. Spending my days waiting by the phone or computer... for a call or a message that never comes. Spilling your heart out to receive not even a simple yes or a no, fuck even a maybe or a eat shit and die.
Just waiting, wondering, begging, pleading, crying, screaming.... falling to fucking pieces. It's no way to live, and is not sustainable. And it chips away at what little sanity I still posses.
I couldn't have done it alone tho. Made that step... I have grown too weak and weary already, too saturated with defeat and sadness to even make up my fucking mind.
But someone lent a shoulder, and an open ear. Basically a stranger, took the time to sit and listen, to help me dissect and evaluate what I perceived to be happening around me. And to help me make that choice, and gave me a swift kick in the ass to make a move.
I am still very much struggling, to keep on that path... to try and continue in the direction I chose... because on so many levels, I still feel like i really had no choice at all. Sit down and give up, or move on, without even getting to say goodbye. Really not fucking fair to me anyway I look at it, but I guess thats just the way it goes sometimes. Sometimes ya just dont get a choice, or an explanation. Sometimes things just fucking happen and you have to deal with it and move on.
Thats such a hard concept for me to wrap my head around I guess. I hate not being able to choose. I dont like doing things just because they HAVE to be done. Maybe thats childish, i dont know. But it kills me when I arrive to that point. Every fucking time.
There have been a few people, that have seen, and somewhat understand the things of which I now speak. A few that have seen my growing misery, and reached out to try and lend a helping hand, in what ever way they could. I want to thank you all for doing so. It does not make things hurt any less, but it definitely gives me a glimpse of hope, even if just a little. It really floors me that some people will take the time, to sit and listen, and actually try to help, when there is nothing in it for them. Nothing at all... Selfless actions, just to try and ease someones pain and woes.
One person in particular, I owe my deepest thanks to. You have helped me so much these last few days. So sooooooo much, I don't even think you realize, and maybe never will. These words surely cannot convey the gratitude I wish to express to you. Nothing I say possibly could.
I just want to say thankyou. For everything. For attempting to console me when you saw I was suffering. For lending me that shoulder on which to cry. For listening, and helping me try to understand something I couldnt make any sense of. For caring, and being a true friend.
True friends come so few and far between in this life. And you have been that for me, and continue to be.
Thankyou Ani
xXx
Casey
04-05-08
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