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anUncertainEnd's Journal
Afraid to tell you everything.....
So here's the little bit I can tell you.
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Tricking myself...
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November 17, 2008, 01:54:pm
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I'm starting to not feel so down-trodden anymore. My load has increased a bit, but things aren't so glum. 
I'm trying to learn the Rosary. My great grandmother always prayed the Rosary & was buried w/hers. She tried to teach me when I was little, but my interest in other things meant it was lost to me. And besides, I couldn't understand it then anyway. I look at it as a form of meditation if nothing else. However my great grandmother was the best example of a human being I've ever encountered so I'll folllow her lead.
She wasn't one of those people that just did good to do good; she was a light. You could see it in her eyes & her smile. SHe was a good person & it could be seen by anyone. Felt even when you entered the room, to people even outside the family.
So I'm learning that now because it would have made her happy to know that she's the reason I've been inspired to find enlightenment. Her birthday is tomorrow.
IT's also benefiting me in that I'm sleeping much sounder now that I've been praying & meditating on it before bed.
I cut my hair off! All of it! I've never had my hair short before in my life, but I'm suprisingly happy with it. It started falling out about a year ago & I decided it'd be best to cut it off, else I end up looking like the crypt keeper. lol
It's helping me to change my state o fmind. It may sound silly, but I'm feeling better & more like a new person every day.
Its' funny the effects a persons mind can have...
Mood: content
Music: only the buzz of the heater
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The Devils Labyrinth
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October 20, 2008, 12:28:pm
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A new journal entry seemed appropriate since my last one was forever ago.
My soul isn't quite so light anymore.
I have been doing my best to be the best little girl possible..
I skipped out on work again last night, knowing that I'm my last leg & that if I lose my job I'l be very disgusted with myself... 6 years I've been there. I missed the night before too, so I figured I'd make the point worth my while.
I just need something more fulfilling...
I used to love my job, as meesly as it was, I felt like I was working my way forward...
Then I suddenly found myself feeling very dis-satisfied, so I stepped down to spend more time with my kids, as I thoguht that might give me a sense of fulfillment. You know, the proud mother routine???
So it's been almost 2 years, and despite my drifting through my workdays enjoying the mundane, pressure free tasks I'm assigned, I find myself feeling less & less compitent. I was sure that my prior feelings of incompetency were a result of my never-ending pressures, but I see now that must not have been the cause. I've basically responsibilty free now, & wishing I had more.
I fill my time now with reading & delving into the theological aspects of the world, looking for some type of satisfaction...
I suppose that since I can't seem to find the answers to my own life, I could be just be picking up answers for everything else as I go, as if that will satisfy my need ...
Anway, so there it is: The lastest from my news room.
I want to go to school. So far that's the only feesible option that I have come up with that would possibly make me feel any better about myself, any more useful & fulfilled.
However, I'm unsure as to when would be the best time to set out n that journey. trent just started preschool, & Alex will soon be 2...the same dilema all over again.
I also wish this place was filled with equal parts adults & tweens. It's so hard to find someone that can have a deep conversation anymore...
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*sigh*
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May 06, 2008, 07:25:am
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For anyone that's interested, I feel like I've reached a good place.
Spiritually, that is.
Nothing else is going right in my life right now, but
if a person can feel the wieght of their soul, mine is at it's lightest.
Despite the fact that I feel like my brain is constantly constricted, or under pressure...
Sometimes the pressure is realeased, and I act out these spuratic little thoughts & impulses, and there's relief....
but only temporarily.
I started writing the other day in my new journal. I filled up the first 5 pages immediately.
It came easily.
But then there was this sudden rush of jumbled mess that I couldn't make sense of, or keep up with, so I had to stop.
Like when the dam breaks, and the water rushes through.
It had such force behind it...
So I'm unsure as to the point of this entry, other than to satisfy my impulse.
Mood: odd
Music: none
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I wonder...
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April 15, 2008, 01:04:am
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Death seems so magical.
How many poor, lost people dream of death?
Hope for death?
A release from the turmoils of life?
As glamorous as they imagine it to be, it's actualllty so natural.
Maybe they'v replayed it a million times in their head.
Perhaps they haven't ever seen the light in someones' eyes fade right before they're eyes.
How un-glamorous it is.
The light exstinguished...
I apologize if this seems to be your typical, melancholy journal of a self-destructive teenager.
It is not.
My first feeling was saddness.
My first thought was that I was happy for her. She had gone willingly...
As for the rest, I was amazed by the look of the unexpected.
Their look of wonder....
the look of suprise that had overcome their face until the very end.
Even after death.
I can only hope that I too, experience the same wonder & suprise as they did in my own passing.
PS. Don't be mistaken. I'm in no hurry.
Mood: contemplative
Music: NIN- The Big Come Down
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Things to Know
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April 02, 2008, 06:27:pm
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~Hello...
I'm a somewhat unusual person.
I like dark things, creepy things, and pretty things too...
I love music, and I love my babies.
I find the uman mind ver interesting:so religion is something that fascinates me.
I've played the violin for almost 12 years now...
Call me dorky, but I like roleplaying games.
Tim Burton films mean alot to me.
Some of my best memories are of sitting up late at night to watch them with my Daddy B.
That's all for now I suppose...
Mood: content
Music: Sweeney Todd soundtrack
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