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acidxrainbows's Journal
Erm. Yes. My "journal"...
This'd be where I write whatever the hell I want?
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Grandmother
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September 02, 2008, 07:01:pm
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Such an ill-fitting end
you don’t even remember my name.
All of your smeared memories
like ink on paper, almost unreadable now.
Growing more unclear as the days tick by.
Why didn’t I spend more time with you
when I still could?
I could’ve gotten to know you so much better.
But life doesn’t give second chances.
A thousand regrets flow through my mind.
Strangers walk on your floor, sleep in your bed
but it is not their home. Not their memories.
it’s mine, memories of cupcakes, birthdays, of all
being a family.
Together.
Christmas tress and fireworks and just being there.
The strangers are still there,
oblivious to this tragedy,
the small explosion of your mind.
So many memories of you, us, them, we.
But memories can’t bring you back.
Mood: Headachey.
Music: Devilicious--Angelspit
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Perfect.
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September 02, 2008, 07:00:pm
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the roar of an angel
calling out for perfection
ravaged, nought but skin
just a whisper
over lace white bones
is that a face?
or a grinning ivory skull?
is the angel perfect?
or a perverse imposter
of the woman I knew?
is she even here anymore?
or just a whisper in my ear
a brush through the maples at night
a chill wind in June
-although-
i can feel her sometimes
yelling screeching screaming
screaming in my ears now
while the rest of the world is silent
perfectperfectperfectperfect
be perfect feel perfect touch perfect
taste perfect smell perfect
BE
perfect.
Mood: Regular.
Music: Silencio.
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Choices. (I did write this one.)
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September 02, 2008, 06:53:pm
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And I said, “What’s the point?
I’m worthless, no reason.
Nothing about me’s right
Any day year or season.
There’s no point in me
Might as well disappear
End all and everything
Done with pain and fear.”
And as I held the pills in my hand
A realization came to me.
What if my purpose is
just something I’m yet to see?
Maybe I’ve got a reason
If I end it, I’ll never know
I guess I’ll keep on going
I’ll keep running this show.
I put them down
And made a choice
That I would make a reason
I would have a voice.
I said the words
And made them count.
I said the words
without a doubt.
Now I’m making a point.
Having a voice.
Creating a purpose.
I made my choice.
Mood: Asi-asi.
Music: Afraid of Me--Twiztid
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No Lies, Just Love--Bright Eyes
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August 22, 2008, 10:54:pm
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It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
that I bought those pills
I thought I would need
and I wrote a letter to my family
said it's not your fault
and you've been good to me
just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon
and I've heard that music
echo through the house
where my grandmother drank
by herself
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
not this fucking wreck
that's taken it's place
so please forgive what I have done
no you can't stay mad at the setting sun
cause we all get tired I mean eventually
and there's nothing left to do but sleep
but spring came bearing sunlight
those persuasive rays
so I gave myself a few more days
my salvation it came, quite suddenly
when Justin spoke very plainly
he said "Of course it's your decision,
but just so you know,
if you decide to leave,
soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
who has yet to be born
my brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
cause it's cold out here
and it'll be quite a shock
to breathe this air
to discover loss
so I'd like to make some changes
before you arrive
so when your new eyes meet mine
they won't see no lies
just love.
just love.
I will be pure,
No, no, I know I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold-
like snow- like gold--
Because we all know what it feels like, I thought I'd post this. We all feel like the ground is not ours to walk upon.
Because it helped me quite a bit. No lies, just love is my new motto.
If we all adopted this phrase, would life be better?
Mood: content, thoughtful.
Music: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun--Emilie Autumn
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Just open your eyes.
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June 07, 2008, 08:45:pm
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After reading a story about a 13-year-old girl who committed suicide in what the media called a "emo suicide cult" I got to thinking. I'm not here to debate the emo subculture, commercial versus true emo, suicide cults, etc.
But we hear stories like this a lot. What's wrong in our lives that 13-year-old girls and younger are committing suicide, starving themselves, etc.?
My answer is that they are not realizing the truth--that even in the darkest of times, life is beautiful. Yeah, gas prices are crazy, your hair is frizzy, one of your friends is mad at you, and your dog is sick. And it sucks. Or maybe your grandma just died and your boyfriend isn't returning your calls and someone stole your purse. But as a whole, life is...beautiful. Trees are green, the air is fresh, flowers are blooming. There are wonderful people in the world. Food is good. Music is beautiful. See what I mean?
I am in no way saying we have to be happy all of the time. Hells no, I'm not. But just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. Just think about it sometime. ♥
Mood: Quite contented.
Music: Moonlight Sonata--Beethoven
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Violent Consumerism.
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May 26, 2008, 12:49:pm
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I've been thinking (I know, I know, not again.) about our culture and consumerism. My dad went to Macedonia recently, and he said that the Macedonian people's opinion of us was "Americans live to work, while we work to live." Shouldn't we all work to live? I recently cleaned my room (I know, surprising, eh?) and threw out a LOT of stuff. I feel lighter, freer. Using the idea from the book The Gospel According To Larry by Janet Tashijan, (the main character has only 75 items in his possession or some thing like that) I tried to rid myself of random things. You know what? It was hard. I still have loads of CRAP that I don't need but can't bear to throw away. But I did get rid of a lot. Which brings me to the POINT (finally) of this. We, as the "civilized world" have forgotten what it's like to go somewhere and do things without spending money. When's the last time you went on a walk without a destination, without buying anything? When's the last time you picked berries from a tree and ate them right then? When's the last time you just sat in your living room and TALKED with somebody? When's the last time you talked with somebody without discussing possessions and prices and money? We're all guilty of this. Now, I'm not saying throw out all your stuff and only own 75 possessions. I think I fit that quota in socks alone, to be honest. But sometime, just sit down and think. Do our lives have to revolve around moneymoneymoneybuybuybuyspendspendspend? I don't think they should.
Mood: Content
Music: Dominant--Emilie Autumn
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Today...
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May 18, 2008, 01:02:am
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I've learnt something lately.
Today's a good day to be alive.
In fact, I've been making a list of things to live for. Reasons why it's so good to be here. Because it seems that lately, I've been spending too much time wishing I wasn't. And it sucks.
I have, and I know other people have, been spending so much time being sad. Maybe you can't help it, I couldn't. I still sometimes can't. But being happy is such a beautiful feeling, not something that I think we always understand the beauty of till we haven't had it in a while. Just appreciating the sun in your windows, smiling for no reason, throwing your arms up in the air and just loving the very air you're breathing.
I guess you could say I've gotten a new outlook on life. Because in the words of Robert Frost, I can sum up everything I've learnt about life in three words: it goes on.
Life just hit me in the face.
Today is a good day to be alive.
And it's a pity it's taken me so long to see that.
:]
Mood: Content.
Music: Mary Magdalan + The Echoing Green
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Damn.
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March 12, 2008, 08:37:pm
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So apparently I stretched a tendon in my knee...
again.
The nurse told me not to go on any walks for a while,
but it was such a gorgeous day out I did anyway.
Now my knee is throbbing, even with ice on it.
Do I regret walking with Carly and Caleb?
Not abit. :]
Mood: Happy.
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Today sucks.
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March 04, 2008, 05:59:pm
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I'm sick.
I'm dizzy.
And to top it all off...
I walk like a drunk person.
Wait, that part's fun.
But the rest isn't.
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Juno.
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January 27, 2008, 09:11:pm
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So today I saw Juno, and that was one of THEMOST freaking amazing movies I've seen in a while. Why was it amazing? Let thee count the ways:
1. Ellen Page is an amazing actress.
2. The lines were funny and witty.
3. The characters were very orignal.
4. Juno was cool, and had neat shoes. =P
5. The music was perfect for the movie.
6. It had a wicked ending, if unexpected.
7. It brought light to an issue usually kept in the dark and made it funny.
8. It wasn't a morality tale about getting pregnant, having abortions, divorces, or adoption.
9. It made me happy.
10. It was deffy worth my ten bucks to see it.
Mood: Happy!
Music: Silence is so freaking loud.
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