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_Evalca_'s Journal
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Dry contacts scrape against my eye lids
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November 21, 2008, 12:52:am
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I'm listening to songs that I made this year, last year, what year?
I'm losing everything of value.
Who says I'll ever see my best friend again?
But she'll of course see her boy friend again.
I want to write something meaningful that can and will explain what I've been lamenting about for the past few months.
I don't want to go to sleep.
I feel like I'm sleeping good, then I wake up, shower, and puke when I brush my teeth.
All bile.
I want to hang out with someone who will make me laugh and make me forget that I hate my life.
Isn't it hard to concentrate on something when your stomach is aching, wanting food but... feeling sick after.
Have you ever ate something, felt full, but still felt hungry? Like at any moment you were going to blow chunks and crawl into a corner and decompose?
Have you ever felt tired after 7-8 hours of sleep? I mean, this sleep is good. Good REM sleep.
But I still sleep through classes.
My heart still sags when I walk through the halls.
What will be so different two years from now?
A new boy?
A new place?
Less hormones?
More drugs?
I want to fucking do something violent, sexy, bold.
I hate thinking about how it will go.
You know, when I get to Missoula and I tell him off.
I hate thinking about that.
Because even if I managed see him, would I really yell at him?
Would I really resist him?
It doesn't even matter
because he isn't there anymore.
Mood: something blurry and heavy.
Music: the great playlist of Angela Nicole.
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Far away, absent minded, careless
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November 16, 2008, 11:36:pm
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I am inattentive.
Maybe I've never looked at things very closely.
I want to call him.
The feeling is not very strong.
But it's still there.
My head telling me that I need to confirm he's ignoring me.
That everything will be alright if he just tells me that he's ignoring me.
That it's all his fault that I feel shitty because he's telling me that he's ignoring me by ignoring me.
I want an answer that I can accept.
I keep on being told, in my head and by a select few (less than or equal to three people), that he ran away. That we're over.
I can hardly accept that answer.
But it makes so much sense, though.
He told me that he was not good for me.
That we should not have done what we did.
That he was a womanizer.
That, in a very nice and cryptic way, he told me that he was going to ignore me.
I never thought that the words "Let me get a hold of you on my own" had a double meaning, which would be: "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't really talk to you anymore."
I know that he is not ready for my serious feelings, the he is not ready to settle down. He is fucking terrified of me, I understand that.
I don't want to accept it.
My mind will not accept anything, really.
Move on from this man you loved, find someone new, go on a couple of dates, browse.
It seems like the only logical conclusion.
But I can't
I shan't
accept it.
That's what growing up is for... our level of acceptance and understanding of what is really going on...
Ignorance is immaturity.
Sometimes I think I could be something.
It's hard to think about the future like this, so wrapped up in the past.
Maybe hoping the past will repeat itself for you, one more time.
Hope is naivety.
Sometimes I wish I could fall over
and get back up again.
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emm.
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November 07, 2008, 12:55:am
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my dog is getting put down tomorrow.
so.
i'm rather sad.
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Music
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October 20, 2008, 01:03:am
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Follow the leader
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October 19, 2008, 02:00:pm
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I wish we could fall over like leaves in the fall
we turn beautiful colors
and slowly die.
When our time has come
we float down to the frozen ground below
and decompose into the earth.
I wish I could control my dreams about lovers
and force myself to wake up smiling, happy
instead of waking up filled with lust
and hints of moans left on my lips.
I wish we could pretend it was a dream
and feign that the pain we felt was frivolous and
ultimately not real.
I wish we could find each other lying on our backs
naked
and wanting the same things.
I wish I could forget how it felt to be against you
emotionally
physically
or mentally.
I wish we could erase those years
only for the sake of abolishing this pain that's ripping
through my body every moment
of every night.
But all the same
I do not wish anything at all to change
For I would not be the same person
without those moments in time
no matter how awful
or glorious
they were.
Mood: Fantastic with a V
Music: Something humming
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